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Original poster

to feel that my husband needs to buck up and get out of his depression?

106 replies

monkies · 03/08/2011 00:21

My hubby has long suffered from bi-polar manic depression (we've been together for 14 years) and I have always supported him and we've got through the 2 yearly bouts with patience, talking and support. I had our first child in February and these past months have been the happiest I have ever known (it took 6 years and a lot of stressful interventions for me to get pregnant). However, I feel that my husband is determined to spoil it. I have reluctantly returned to work full time, 5 days a week - yuk! because I have to in order to pay the bills / mortgage etc. I have put a really brave face on and have just got on with it even though it breaks my heart to leave them all every day. My hubby works full time as well and baby is cared for by my mum at the mo (which we are all happy with). Recently, and at every opportunity, my husband tells me how low he is feeling and how he can't shake it etc... I love him very much but I am tempted to just tell him to get a grip because we are all working hard and compromising and I can't take his sadness at the moment. Am I being selfish and should I try to find the compassion and patience I have always had for him or am I right to be using all of my energy for keeping it together and enjoying our child?

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe80nappies · 03/08/2011 00:37

I also agree that counselling would be a good idea, I found it hugely helpful.

GetOrfMoiSamsungFridgeFreezer · 03/08/2011 00:38

fabby - you are very straight talking yourself, so am sure you wouldn't mind my being straight talkig to you, but seriously, you are not being helpful. No not everyone can snap out of severe mental illness, it is a nightmare (and I say that as someone diagnosed with bipolar) but it is NOT black and white. You cannot blame the OP for being exasperated by her DH.

Sometimes people do need to know that they need to pull their finger out and I don't blame the OP for thinking that when there is a baby to consider.

FabbyChic · 03/08/2011 00:39

Thumbwitch, Id be supportive if she asked for help with depression which is a subject very close to my heart.

I also post on relationships and am supportive there this is AIBU.

It warrants a specific response.

This post warranted the response it got because depression is a killer, more die from depression than any other mental illness through suicide.

Counselling is no good if the depression is born of a chemical imbalance only medication will work.

GetOrfMoiSamsungFridgeFreezer · 03/08/2011 00:40

fabby x post. You made the effort and sorted yourself out - so you can now function with meds. Good on you. However lots of people with depression will NOT look at help in the way you have, perhaps the OPs husband is one of those. And if so he needs to buck up. There is no crime in saying that.

FabbyChic · 03/08/2011 00:40

Oh and Im a moderator on a mental health forum, and I also man the Live Support.

Just because I have not posted a response kissing the OPs ass does not mean I am not caring.

Birdsgottafly · 03/08/2011 00:42

Its early days, you are knackered when you return to work.

You have been with him for 14 years, you must have loved him?

Can you find it within you to get him support elsewhere then.
I take it you don't want your marriage to end?
He may fall further if you aren't supportive, what then?
You need counselling perhaps?

I don't think that you need people who are unsympathetic/understanding of MH to give some of the responses that you will get. There is a big 'lock em up' brigade on MN, perhaps post in MH not AIBU?

Empusa · 03/08/2011 00:43

Fabby I understand you have suffered with depression, me too, 13 years and counting.

Have you ever had to live with someone else who is suffering?
Have you had to be their sole source of support?
Have you done this while under pressure yourself?

Because under those circumstances only a saint wouldn't feel frustrated and want to force a change.

Remember the OP has had 14 years of being supportive, and is now under stress, surely she's allowed to blow off stress?

JarethTheGoblinKing · 03/08/2011 00:45

Is he on any meds and/or having counselling?

YANBU though,

Original poster
monkies · 03/08/2011 00:45

Thanks again. If it came over that I do not love and deeply care for my husband then I said it wrong.
i know how bad the depression can get and it is just that I have always been able to be strong for him and we have got through it together. I am feel really terrible that it appears that this seems as though I don't care about him. I guess I was wondering if the birth had bought it on. your comments have made me 'get a grip' and see that I should and can be stronger than this.

I will talk to him about counselling. Thank you for all of your advice. I am sure we'll work it out. it is just had to deal with at the moment.

OP posts:
imogengladheart · 03/08/2011 00:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GetOrfMoiSamsungFridgeFreezer · 03/08/2011 00:47

Good posts from thumbwitch and empusa.

Fabby - you are to be credited with being able to recover from severe depression. But you are very black and white in mn sometimes.

imogengladheart · 03/08/2011 00:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Empusa · 03/08/2011 00:48

Should add in for perspective, I'm going through this right now. Whilst struggling with own depression.

It is hell on earth.

Birdsgottafly · 03/08/2011 00:49

OP you only have so much to give and a DC takes alot, so yes, you are being overstreched, look for all the support that you can, for all of you.

GetOrfMoiSamsungFridgeFreezer · 03/08/2011 00:49

Bloody hell OP - please don't think you need to get a grip. Your feelings are absolutely valid, it must be very hard for you. Yes you have to deal with it, but you also have a lot on your plate, you possibly want to concentrate on looking after your baby, not your husnabd.

Empusa · 03/08/2011 00:51

Another thing, something someone told me a long time ago, if you burn yourself out looking after him then you'll be no help anyway.

Better to look after you, so you can continue to support him.

GetOrfMoiSamsungFridgeFreezer · 03/08/2011 00:52

Likewise, empusa, just found out that DP is on citalopram (and has been for months) which explains a lot of his behaviour, combined with my coming off meds because they were not helping. Two people depressed at the same time = a rather strange home environment.

Empusa · 03/08/2011 00:53

GetOrf, I know this is mad, but I almost burst into tears knowing I'm not the only one struggling with this. It's beyond strange.

RufusTFirefly · 03/08/2011 00:59

Monkies, if your DH is having two episodes a year, it seems obvious to me that his bipolar illness is not well controlled, and that this could be addressed. Is he under the care of a psychiatrist? If not he should be referred asap; if he is, does he have a CPN who might help? I've been in remission from bipolar II for eight years but have just had an additional med prescribed for depression that came out of nowhere and am being investigated for thyroid disease. So whatever meds your DH is on may need tweaking. If he's not on meds then he's a bloody fool.

He and you should not have to suffer like this and I can well understand that you no longer have the energy to be as supportive as you'd like, now that you have a baby. Any harshness you feel arises out of sheer exhaustion, I reckon. You have a lot on your plate.

And with respect to those who have suggested it, counselling at this point would be no use at all. It's useful adjunctive therapy once the depression has lifted enough for it to be possible, but will not touch the sides of a severe bipolar depression.

Original poster
monkies · 03/08/2011 00:59

Birdsgottafly- thanks - will do.

Empusa, and Getorf..., Thanks also.
I can't imagine how hard it must be for you if you are also suffering yourselves.
This is the first time I have been on MN - I've found it really useful.
Hope things get better for you guys.

OP posts:
Original poster
monkies · 03/08/2011 01:04

Rufus, I am scared of the whole world of meds after some he took in the 90s made him suicidal. Since then we have hunkered down and pushed through the bouts which are generally every two years (not twice yearly). So far, that has involved just making it through the day at work then sickness, anxiety, panic etc in the early morning and a lot of phone calls during the day. We are both scared of what the meds did in the past and also do not want him to a)become dependent on chemicals to adjust the brain and b) risk further upsetting the balance. A few people have suggested meds on here but he has avoided them until now.

OP posts:
Triggles · 03/08/2011 01:06

I've been dealing with DH's depression for the last couple years (I'd say it got much worse after the death of his father 2 years ago) and while I understand it's not a "pull it together, get a grip" type of thing, at the same time, I've been pushing DH to understand that he is responsible for making the effort to help himself, as well as getting help.

That means that I am happy to support him (albeit that doesn't always mean things are great, but we struggle through) as long as:

  • he is taking his medication as prescribed
  • he is honest with me, and if he ever feels suicidal or has suicidal ideas, he speaks to me and/or counsellor immediately
  • he takes care of himself (eating regularly, going to bed and getting sleep) as these things can really affect your mental state
  • he gets regular exercise - meaning going for walks (such as walking the dog) or going with us as a family for a walk each day (again, this can be a tremendous boost for the mental state, as well as keeping him from closeting himself indoors)
  • he gets outside help (he's spoken to GP, and now counsellor from Relate, and is getting organised to meet with a group)
  • he makes an effort to help himself (try to stop and think before blowing up over things, or if someone tells him he's being unreasonable stop and listen for a moment, try to make an effort to look at things from a positive side more)
  • do not take anger or frustration out on me and most importantly the kids - I do not want them to be frightened by him shouting or upset in any way by this if at all possible.

I don't think any of this is unreasonable. It's mainly "take care of yourself, be reasonable, get help" to be fair. And if he reaches a point where he's not willing to try to get better, then I would have to re-evaluate things based on what's best for the everyone, but especially the children's well-being.

But being perfectly honest, there are days when I could just scream "get a grip". I don't, but I want to. It's exhausting sometimes.

TheFrogs · 03/08/2011 01:10

Depression is an illness like any other, and I salute any person with depression who asks for help because ime most dont. They are too ashamed, scared of rejection, scared of being told to pull themselves together! The worst thing you can ever do is to tell a depressed person to pull themself together because they cant.

GetOrfMoiSamsungFridgeFreezer · 03/08/2011 01:10

Oh I am sorry Empusa - it's bloody horrible isn't it. I have been on meds for years, came to the (possible erroneous) conclusion that meds are NOT helping me, so have weaned off them, to find that DP has been on them for 6 months and hasn't been able to tell me. So he is on citalopram when I have made my mind up that ssris are poison. It has been very very hard. I hope you're OK Sad.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 03/08/2011 01:12

I think Fabby explained things quite well actually, (you are very black and white about things though) ...