I fucking hate mental illness

[luckywinner]

Sorry for the title, I am just so sick of feeling anxious, down, worthless, insecure, sad. I want to be free. I want to have fun. I want to run around the park with dc like a complete loon. I want to be able to let go. That's all really. Just wanted to yell. I have had enough. And I am now at the point where I know suicide won't free me. So I am stuck with this. I feel like I am destined to be frightened for the rest of my life.

Luckywinner. U are so right about the thinking it through thing. If u can alter your view of it and not give the thoughts any value, it really does calm you down. Everytime the feelings threaten me I'm trying to sit it out, physically slump and not pay then any attention iyswim. It does work. I actually smiled at myself today as I was sitting in the garden, sun blazing down. And I thought "life WILL be good again".

Does anyone else live with the constant fear that it's going to return. The fear of the illness is so bad and I know that once it starts with me it goes away like a train and theres no way of stopping it.

ohhappyday - if you fear it it will return for sure! Try to unthink it. Let it have no relevance to your life. When it comes - kick back and let it happen. It is fear creating fear - we can do this - we really can

Mine also comes and goes, its really really bad today, i feel like im being crushed by a ten ton weight, ive got a chest infection and a splitting headache and honestly wish i could curl up and die, fucking fuckity fuck fuck fuck, aaaaargggh

bittersweet - i had far too many appalling days then yesterday it eased slightlyl and today it was the foundation of my day but I managed to ride it out without too much trauma. You really do not want to curl up and die - you just want it to stop. it will stop. you can help it stop. Please just let it wash over you, let it happen and then it has to dissipate. It has to. Don't tense against it. It really does work. it is your mind controlling your body. Try to make the symptoms worse. you can't. They have a limit. I tell myself this all teh time and it does work. It really does. I am not saying I am free of it -sadly far, far from it, but you need to rationalise it and don't give it any respect. Anxiety is caused by your fear of it. Lose your fear of it and it has to go. Slowly - over time - but it will. I promise

Bittersweeet - same here even down to the chest infection and splitting headache and just said to my friend tonight "I'm so tired of my life" and I am - the struggle goes on doesn't it.

Itsmyturn - not quite sure I go with what you are saying - it sounds like CBT and if it works for you then fine, but when I am at my worst I can't "let it wash over me" - this stuff about rationalising and not giving it any respect .........hmm. Its usually people who have never had depression who say things like this, and I know you are suffering, so again whatever works for someone I wouldn't knock it.

I have found it useful for me to let everything go except child care and food provision and crawl back into bed when I can if that's what I want, without feeling guity about it. For me, when down, it was the one place my brain would give me some peace of mind.

I also find meds have helped me a great deal - but I've been all round the houses before settling once again on paraxatine. It's worth keeping your own list of what meds you've been on, and their effects, good and bad - believe it or not the Paris system which Tees, Esk and Wear Valleys MH Foundation Trust uses, does not seem to have this facitility.

[PS have been very busy - could someone PM me and let me know how BP is getting on? ]

Wishing you all a peaceful night and a tranquil day to come. and bed for me.

Thanks for the advice and reply itsmyturn. :-)

Hope you are all having better day x

The title about sums it up for me.

Have suffered depression since a teen but nothing like the last two years. I suppose I am in the best place I have been in those two years, right now, but I could weep so often and my coping ability is severely affected. Just functioning is monumental a lot of the time and the thought of actually achieving anything that would move me forward in life seems insurmountable.

Lottie, your 'I hate list' resonates so much. I used to have the ability to mask my depression with being cheerful and funny and in a way I liked that despite the underlying issues. But now I rarely laugh, get anxious, find myself backing away from areas of life that I just used to just embrace.

And the isolation is paralysing, I spoke to my Mum about and aspect of it and she said 'I don't want to even think about that', and I could have cried because if I had broken my leg she would be able to handle that and offer support.

Sometimes it is like walking the wrong way up an escalator and just not getting any where. I just want to get off. So tired.

ItsMyTurn, mornings are hard for me too, I suffer chronic nightmares and I have to work really hard at being OK for the kids. Last week was appalling and did think 'I just can't do this anymore', my soul hasn't got the energy.

I am lucky that I keep on and on believing that I will get through it and find a plateaux, but it's hard and I wouldn't wish it on any one

So sorry for all of you but glad I am not alone.

its my turn thanks for the advice i know you are right and im giving this pig of a thing to much attention will try to let it wash over me.

Having utterly crappy stressed few days.

Wish I knew what was normal feelings and what was illness its not fair and none of us deserve this

Yeah, went to quite a good course in the Spring about managing bi-polar, and that was our main question - what is normal and how can I tell whether I am currently "normal" or not.

We didn't really come up with any answers, butsharing our puzzlement with each other helped us all.

just off to bed but have had totally shit day anxiety wise. managed to look after my great nephew this morning and chatted to my niece about how i was feelign - she was flabberghasted! Had no idea so at least I am Ok to outward appearances. Went to counsello this avo - what a relief! she tells me that it is all perfectly normal and that I shoud allow myself to feel like this after what i have been through _and I really have been through some utter trauma . Now i feel like these feelings are justified. she has given me strength and even though i am riddled with anxiety - it feels normal not horrifying (mind you I have had two wines . Tomoorrw will undoubtedly feel shit but I am startting ti understand it a bit more. night all

Agree with you midnightservant, my bed is the one place that gives me a little respite when I am really feeling shite. I am fortunate cus my kids are grown with their own families. Used to pick up gr/chdrn from school but haven't been able to do that for a couple of years - miss it so much. I am retired so can get under my blanket/duvet if I feel the need, though my CPN says I shouldn't "give in" to this - so I try not to, but on a really bad day I get up mid morning and allows myself to go back under the duvet about 4.

I honestly don't know how you youg mums cope - my heart goes out to you. I can barely cope with me, let alone young children, although I have heard some MNs with MH problems say it is the children that keep you going.

Anyway none of us deserve this and hoping for better times ahead.........

Good night all....and hope tomorrow is just a teeny weeny bit better (though a lot better would be wonderful)

Morning everyone, how did the night go? I am still sat in bed next to dd who is poorly and is playing on dh's ipad. I am keeping her company is the excuse I am giving myself so I can stay in bed a bit longer. I am listening to Chris Evans on the radio and he is so cheerful and upbeat. I want to be like that. How do you get to be like that?

Does anyone ever ask themselves 'what is the point?'. Because I really don't know what it is. I think about things I would like to do when the children are at school, and make my life more meaningful, then I think what the hell is the point. That is what is getting me down. Because I can see a path of recovery ahead of me but I just don't want to go that way because I think what is the point.

I've got loads of stuff to sort out today, like a hen night, some stuff for school (stupidly I am class rep), and I really don't care about any of it. I want it to be falling asleep time again, when I am not aware of how I am feeling.

Lucky, I had a trying night and difficult start but focussing on being 'normal' for the DC's sometimes gets me half way there and I have to make sure I have contact with people as even though I think I like my own company, i seem to spiral quicker on my own. (I work on my own from home which can be isolating)

I had a horrible experience in the Gym yesterday with some women I know which was reminiscent of school bullying type scenarios and got panicky and anxious, I apologised to one in case I was responsible for a misunderstanding but it triggers so much self doubt and the insecurities that are linked with my depression.

I don't know how to advise you to help trigger a sense of seeing the point as it were. I always just used to see it despite everything and was commented on a s being positive and highly self motivated. But now..... I have flashes of it and think 'OH god this is me, I'm back' but it is so fragile that I get easily knocked and every time I plan something life seems to bulldozer through my ideas.
And despite having been so 'strong and independent' I have fantasies about someone taking over everything for a while (couple of years ) and just following a path.

I think sadly some people like Chris Evans are just born that way and have had the start and support to nurture that quality, and some are not. Like asthma. I can fight physical ailments and pain but MH, jesus...

I try to 'eat the elephant one spoon at a time' but the bastard has been known to sprout another leg!

mitzy I am curious to know how you eat an elephant with a spoon, even a five-legged one . (I presume it's a) dead and b) cooked.) And where do you keep it? Have you perhaps got a very large fridge?

On a more serious note, way to go LuckyWinner"? You are organising a hen night and are class rep? I'm impressed. Like NanaNina* at my worst (eg most of last year) I can barely organise myself.

Also like NanaNina, my kids are grown. But they are still living at home aged 22(DS) and nearly 20 (DD). Luckily we have a large house, and luckily they are both in work.

Love to all
x

Wow! Check out that bolding. What's more, it was totally accidental.

lucky thanks so much for your post this morning - I wasnt
that great when you posted so couldn't muster a reply. The point is that you are worth it. Your kids are worth it. Your family are worth it. You may not see it at the moment but eventually the fog will lift and you will be able to enjoy more things and have a lot more good days. As for Chris Evans I love his show too but you never know whats going on under the surface of other people. When I tell people about my illness most cannot believe it as I have a naturally cheerful outlook. Theres a great book written by Tim Cantopher (i heard him on Jeremy Vine show) called depressive illness the curse of the strong. It describes many of us to a tee i.e. caring, articulate, above average intelligence, motivated etc. I'm feeling a good bit better a source of my stress has been solved - however thats only putting a plaster on a great big gaping wound - as soon as I get stressed I panic thinking I'm on a downward slope - up my meds - phone the doc etc.
I know this is no way to live and I will try to use some of my tools.

That Tim Cantopher book is excellent ohhappyday

thanks kizzie x