Tea, toast and chocolate continuing support thread

[Am36butfeel66]

This is a continuing support thread that has evolved from a thread I started called " think I need meds again but don't know if I should". I really should learn how to link properly..sorry..:)

It is open to anyone that wants to chat about living with depression. I was worried that people who read my original thread would feel that it had become exclusive and I didnt want people to think they couldn't join in.

About me...I am a single mom with a 3.8 yr old dd, who drives me mad! Am living again with ddgran (my aging mother) who helps in the driving mad situation too! :)

Have had depression since my late teens, and have been on and off meds during this time. At the moment I am off meds and getting therapy, but always the thought I should restart meds is ever present. I struggle every day with depression but have found that sharing my daily grind here a help.

So if you want to join my daily moan, groan, virtual tea toast and chocolate feel free..

Hope you find me Chocattack ... (she makes great bread...but unlike me likes it with peanut butter!.. While I prefer nutella :) )

Oh I am clever...I've just worked out how to link!....

old thread This is my last thread if you want a but of background :)

So another weekend day with no nursery for dd is here. Yesterday wasn't too bad apart from dd complaining of a sore tummy again...hopefully drs on thurs may shed some light on this.

Ddgran out for lunch today which is great, except she will come home all tired and end up being grumpy as she is tired!! I would like to take dd out for a picnic but the thought of it fills me with dread (she won't pee in public toilets,....etc...). But at least I have the sense of wanting to go out...surely that is better than wanting to stay in bed all day?..

Have to get out of bed now I suppose, we go to church soon which is a fairly unstressful place as dd loves the creche, and I don't have to talk to anyone if I don't want to. Then I will decide after that about the picnic....

Tune in later to hear how the day went....

Chocattack, how are you today? When does your mum arrive? Is she a good ddgran and supportive, or not? Any tears today? Hope you ok and have found my here ok. Do you think we should paint this thread or use wallpaper? :)

Toast ready... with two one sugar on the table :)

Hi, unfortunately I'm not feeling that chatty but I just wanted to say hi or something. Things feeling a bit surreal, maybe because mum arrives tomorrow and she's agreed to have dd and take her to nursery so I've got the day and night to myself. Been thinking of things to do, and am trying to pluck up courage to attend a Mind support group. I've got mixed feelings about dd not staying with me, relief that someone else will be doing all the hard work but at the same time worried that without the distraction I might feel worse. No more tears for me, but then I haven't been to work!

Did you and dd go on your picnic? How's that tummy behaving?

Hi chocattack, sorry you not good at the moment. You have been through a lot recently with the counselling...and potential lack of counselling..so you are just reacting to that which is understandable.

Great that dd is having her gran for a while. Dont stress yourself about doing something with your free time..but maybe even a walk to a coffee shop where you can sit and watch the world go by with out having to worry about getting the next meal ready for dd would be good for you.

Watch some tv which doesn't involve cbeebies...:)

The weather looks like it should be nice over the next few days, so you should try and get some sun on your face if you can.
I find it hard to get out and about with my dd as it is often less stressful to stay in rather than going out, but it is great when she is at nursery and I have the day to myself...I end up wandering round the shops, or going for a walk on the beach..which are things I would find a lot more complicated and not as enjoyable when dd is with me. So take the chance while you have it to have a bit of 'me' time.

Your dd will have a great time being spoilt I am sure by her gran. Also it is good for her too to spend time with other people. So you shouldn't worry about her.

I saw my consultant today who says need more tests..either ct scan or MRI, and may need more surgery!!...I certainly don't want that!..I would rather try and learn to cope with the chronic pain and nausea than have more abdominal surgery!...not after the complications I got as a result of my gall bladder op in Jan!!.. So I will have to wait and see what scans say and take it from there.

My bread bin is empty again....would you mind sending me another one? Please?...:)...the last ine was yummy.

Hope time with your mum goes well.

Oh dear what the consultant said doesn't sound good. I'm sad that you've got all this physical pain going on too alongside the depression. You seem to be coping so well. And here's me in the best physical health I have been for a while and yet feeling so crap in the head and drowning. Don't know what that's about. Sigh.

Since DD has gone I've been for a very long walk in the sunshine. Tried to go to the support group but when I got there bottled it and didn't go in. Unfortunately coffee shops are a no-go for me as I get self conscious and then my anxiety escalates. I can cope with libraries so mainly I spend time there. Shops can be a bit hit and miss too if there's lots of people so I tend to avoid them unless I really can't. Gosh just writing this has made me realise how much avoidance I do (buses are another one).

Back to work tomorrow so hopefully no more tears . Definitely trying to make the most of 'me' time. I'm looking forward to going for a walk in the park later this evening - I don't go late with dd because it messes her bedtime routine and then she becomes child from hell!

Alas sorry no bread today. If I survive work tomorrow then machine will go on in evening - just in time for a midnight snack . Will send some then.

Hope you've been enjoying the sunshine.

Well done for going out of the house! That was great.

Please try and stop being so hard on yourself. Living with depression is hard enough without you making it harder for yourself. Try and recognise the good things you have done each day...actually getting out of bed when you have depression is a hard thing, and you did that today even though yesterday you didn't think you would. You even made it for a walk.

In some ways living with a physical problem when having depression is actually not as bad as it could be, because at least people understand a physical problem..they can see the scars and the blood results etc... So you get more support than if you were off sick with depression alone. People generally understand physical pain rather than mental. So don't worry about me. I'm doing ok...would be better if my boss at work was a different person though...but that's not going to happen so I just have to get on with it.

Weather here near the coast wasnt as warm today as it could be as a sea mist kept coming and then it was really cold! But hopefully over the next few days the sun should shine and I'll make the most of it. Ddgran has a nice back garden which dd loves to play in.

Did you manage another walk tonight? Don't forget my bread btw :)

I hope bread made it over! It was very late by the time it had finished baking (didn't stop me from having huge slab though, lol!).

I've had a really good two days so I'm sat here hoping that this is the beginning of the end. Very different to times in the past 4 months when I've had good days. I've been feeling quite motivated and even did my CV and registration form for my work (since I'm officially on the 'at risk' register I can join the list of people looking for internal vacancies). I have been 'on form' at work so busy trying to make up for the (crap) start to the year now. Maybe I'm just excited about the prospect of maybe finding another job?

DD is still with her gran (yeah!!!!!!). I'm so happy to have the house to myself. Shame she has to come back really, oooh maybe I won't let her! The weather is the icing on the cake - I'm in hot heaven! I'm off for an ice cream now - can I tempt you?

Any plans for the long weekend? Hope you enjoy whatever you get up to.

The bread is yummy thanks [busmile].. dd wants some too, but I have hidden it as there is not much left.

I am so glad that you feeling a bit more positive...it's wonderful what a bit of sun and child free time can do!.. Maybe you should look into your dd going to stay with her gran more regularly to give you a break? It has certainly helped you this time [busmile].

The weather here yesterday was cooler again due to sea mist with temps of 18 or so but felt cooler...but hopefully then sun may break through the mist today. Dd wants to make buns, and have a picnic but at the moment I am feeling sore, queasy and have a headache so all I want to do is wallow...but I will go and raid my medicine bag and see what else I can take to make me feel better. I felt good yesterday, but ate duck and pancakes last night so I think the fat in that has set my tummy off [busad].

No other plans for us for the weekend..will just take it as it comes and see how I feel...dd's favourite uncle may come up a day to see dd and I hope he does as she loves him so much..but he has a habit of letting us down, so I now never tell dd he might be coming until I actually see him riding into the drive on his motorbike so that she doesn't get upset. He is the only real male contact that she has, so I like to see him come. But we will just have to see if he comes or not...

It's great that you are being proactive about work...let's hope that something turns up and you get a mo secure job that you like doing [busmile].

Well I'm off now to medicate myself..hopefully I will feel more human in an hr or two and then I can take dd out...

Yah feeling good on the same day! How was today? Did you find some drugs to get you out the house? My day good though not as good as last 2 days. I slept until nearly midday so that has thrown my body clock a bit.

I'm still in child-free heaven (wish it could be chore-free too but can't have it all I guess!) though I did spend a few hours with dd this afternoon. I'd love for her to stay away more often as she loves it as much as I do but unfortunately gran lives abroad most of the year.

What is it with uncles?! My bro is the same! My dd adores him too I think because he is her only male contact. We'll see him and my nieces tomorrow, and dd is all excited because she knows it's choc eggs time!! I bet I won't get any though. But will buy myself some one next week .

Thankfully the tablets helped, and by 12pm I had made a picnic and we all headed out. Ended up on the beach, which was initially cold, but then the sun finally came out and the weather was lovely until it was time to head home for dinner. Dd loved it, and was on her best behaviour [busmile]

The weather for here tomorrow is very different ... Could be 13 degrees and cloudy!..I will need to find my jumper again [bugrin].. bet you arer forecast wall to wall sunshine? My other dbro lives near high Wycombe, and theynare forecast 27 for tomorrow....it's not fair...they mustbhave to pay higher taxes than me to get all that sunshine [busmile]. At least my burnt nose will be able to recover....I had dd plastered in suncream, and I did my body...but forgot my face!!...pretty stupid really!!...now my face is covered in sun spots with a bright red nose..I look like a teenage rudolph!! [buhmm]

Hope you have a good day tomorrow. My bros bike has died (typical!!) so he won't be up!....!..

Don't eat too much chocolate

As predicted I got no eggs yesterday so thanks for slipping me the mini eggs! Back to the sh*t for me unfortunately last couple days (hence my silence). Only online now because I can't sleep. Quite frustrated. Anxiety high yesterday and today been desperate to stuff myself with pills. Is that what being by yourself does? Dd is having fantastic time, makes me realise what a crappy time she has been having last few months with me. Oh well, I can't do anything about what's gone .

Your picnic sounds lovely. I'm seeing dd tomorrow so maybe if I can pull self together might be able to manage something. It was sunshine all day here today so fingers crossed...

Hope Easter was a happy one .

I didn't get any eggs either. I bought my dd and ddgran one, but forgot to get myself one...so I made do with the mini eggs I got in the way out of church instead... My tummy probably couldn't have coped with all that chocolate anyway [busmile].

I'm sorry you having a bad few days [busad], are you worried or anxious about anything in particular? Maybe you have had too much time to sit and think? I find that my mood is affected by not doing anything at times..I need structure and work to keep me going and to stop my thoughts flooding my brain.

Your dd is having a good time and that is lovely, but I am sure she is missing you. I know that because of my depression I may not be the kind of mother that dd deserves..but observers like ddgran have commented that dd does not seem to be suffering from the times when I don't function well. Ddgran is not saying this is make me feel better as she wouldn't be that supportive at times with my health so she isn't just saying that to make me feel better.

You are doing the best you can with your dd...and she wouldn't want to live without you in her life. She only has one mum..and you are it....yes we have good times and long periods of bad times...but we are human... not robots!...

I am sure that even in your darkest days you manage to feed and clothe your dd and make sure she is safe...that is a lot more than some mothers do!!...do not feel bad about your parenting and how depression affects that ( I am talking to myself here too!..), you are who you are....do not look back as it in this case is not helpful...it will only drive you mad!..you just have to try and when you have good days to make the most of them and give your dd those memories.

I have managed to take my dd out a bit over the last few days as feeling ok-ish mentally, but I know that the black hole feeling could return at any minute..but at least I did stuff with her when I could. Dd is learning that life has ups and downs, and she is learning to adapt to those too. She has great fun at nursery, which makes up for the times when I can't face playing with her I think.

What I would say is even in your darkest days try and hug your dd and tell her that you love her (even though that day you may not), I force myself to do this on down days. I then feel that my dd knows that I do love her, and that my retreating into my shell that day is not because of her. I make sure she has toys to play with independently, and DVDs to watch, and she then seems happy. I can then wallow while I need to so to speak knowing that she feels secure and happy.

When I am down the hug that I give my dd is a hard one to do as I don't feel any way huggie...but I put on an act for her that I love her. It is hard sometimes, especially as I have to put on this act a lot!..dd doesn't know that I don't feel the love...she just reacts to the hug that she gets and loves it.

I hope that today is a better say for you. We have no plans here, although ddgran has mentioned heading to look at a new sofa..which we don't need!..so we may go out later. No sun here again...though feels a little warmer than the 13 degrees yesterday.....maybe a high of 14 toady?...[buconfused]

I want to be a robot! Why can't I be a robot? Robots rarely f*ck up.

Think you're right about the hugs. Dd been telling gran that I don't love her so had to make a point today of telling her I do. She doesn't want to come home. I'm glad she doesn't as really couldn't cope with her right now but sad that she doesn't want to. She isn't missing me - she won't even speak to me on the phone. I am keeping busy with lots of walking, sleeping and chores - it's ok when I'm doing stuff but when I stop that's when my head is flooded. I think nightmares triggered the anxiety - woke up really edgy and it didn't really improve (unless I was walking, but can't walk forever). Keep telling myself must try harder. Maybe should adopt as my mantra. Along with don't be scared of black holes. Fear is a dangerous. I'm sick of being stuck, it's relentless. I really wish it would f*ck off, not for a couple of days, or a few months or years but FOREVER. This is why I get so frustrated because just feels like no matter what I do or however many drugs I take it doesn't get any better in the grand scheme of things. I could have 40 more years of this! I don't think I can do it. If I knew from the very beginning it would be like this for years and years I don't think I would have fought so hard. I feel cheated. Everyone said it would get better but temporarily better isn't doing it for me .

Will go calm down. Tomorrow...

You don't want to be a robot...if you cry on a robot it will only rust, and then your arm would get stuck in one place forever..making the ability to drink impossible...plus you couldn't eat chocolate or peanut butter covered hot toast ever again!..your tv would be stuck on cbeebies as you couldn't reach your remote, and you could never scratch that itchy spot.... [busmile].

Life is tough..no one ever said it wouldn't be. And is expectionally tough when you add depression to the mix. But we carry on in the hope that things will improve....your dd will not be young for long, and soon she will be a friend to you and not a drain on your energy...then she will find a man (woman or hippy commune..[busmile]) and leave. Then our lives will take on a different path. We will have time to go out in the evening...and enjoy not having to be at home to have clean clothes and food ready for our dd's...we can join adult classes and learn life drawing, stain glass window making or brick laying?.. .. who knows what men we will find at those classes?...?

I am feeling quite insane today...but I just hope that my ramblings have maybe brought a tiny twitch of a smile to your mouth?...even a tiny bit?..

I am sorry that you are having a horrible time at the moment. Do not feel bad that your dd is enjoying herself and doesn't want to come home... that is only natural..I know when I was little and I was sent away while my parents went away on holiday etc that I never wanted to go home!..I enjoyed the excitement of being in someone else's house, doing new things etc..and my parents didn't have depression. So it may not be because of your depression that your dd is happy with her gran...she is just have a different sort of fun.

When I was in hospital in feb for two weeks, I didn't see my dd at all, as I was so sick she wasn't allowed to visit, and then she got chicken pox and couldn't visit me as she was sick...but she rarely spoke to me on the phone..she was too busy playing...she didn't seem to miss me at all...but as soon as I was home and normalcy had resumed in the house she would cling to me at times and seemed to be worried that I would go again. But at the time I was away...she didn't seem to care I wasn't there. Which was actually a good thing because it would have been worse if she was pinning every day.

Long term depression sucks..people who haven't experienced it really have no idea...it is like a chronic pain that never really goes away...it keeps gnawing at us all day long. In some ways we have to learn to adapt out lives to acknowledge the down days, and enjoy the good. With the hope that one day it might change...we can't say we will be like this forever as we don't know...

We could meet a supportive man someday (although he would have to stop me in tescos and tell me he is my man as that is the only way I might meet him [busmile]!! ) or tablets may help to lift us a bit in to the first wrung of the ladder out of the hole?

Have you started your tablets again? Do you think it might be a good idea?

Hadn't have fought so hard to stay alive for all these years...you wouldn't have given birth to your dd...she wouldn't exsist, and she needs you as much as you need her.

I dont have much practical advice really..just wanted you to know that I understand how you feel..and I am listening, and here for you.

Hi im new at this and thought id have a go. Not really sure what to say. I have too gorls 2 and 4. I have suffered depression on and off for years. Its worst again the past 3 days. I had it undercontrol now i dont. I feel like the worlds worst mother/friend/person at mo. want to lock myself away. the usual stuff. sometimes i think im losing my mind othertimes i seem normal.
lynda xxx

Just dropping in to say hi. Have got recurrent depressive disorder which got very bad after having DD. Am on medication and having CBT but taking one day at a time.
My DH has put up with a lot and I get social anxiety from time to time. I find it very hard to enjoy big occasions.
Nice to see there are people here who understand!

hey kendoddsdadsdog your definately not alone. CBT is really good but you have to be in a reasonable place in order to make it work. It can be really hard when hit rock bottom cause of negative cycles. Anxiety is hard to deal woth too, its horrible i use to go out and have panic attacks.

Welcome new friends

Firstly, what do you prefer to drink? I'm a white with one, and Chocattack pretends to take it with one also...but it is secretly two! [busmile].

I am generally a social misfit as I can spout for ages on this, but ask me to make a profer phone call to someone and I get into a complete state!...strangely though I can make calls and function in work, but I can't when I go home...

If you have read my original thread I have had depression since my late teens and have had lots of drugs and therapy over the years. At the moment I am medication free and having private therapy...my therapist is trying out Lifespan Integration with me and so far it seems to be helping a bit.

I am a good listener and sometimes have good advice, but generally I just ramble on :) ... Feel free to ramble with me x

Oh my bunny smile doesn't work anymore!.... How about this one instead [csmile]

Lynda CBT has been excellent, some sessions have helped me to get things into perspective. But some days it's very hard work and I revert to type!
Am36 mines an Earl Grey or a Camomile and any biscuit will do! I'm fine in a professional setting , confident and resourceful but behind closed doors it's different. The worst thing is paranoia - thinking people won't like me if they know the real person.

The path of least resistance. That's what I want. And I'll admit I'm throwing my toys out the pram for not getting what I want! Thanks for listening. I know you understand. I wish you didn't. I wish nobody understood. You did make me smile (and cry, well maybe I made myself cry). Don't know quite exactly why it all seems so desperate but basically it boils down to me being wrong.

No I've not re-started meds. And no I don't think it would be a good idea. I feel like I'm being pressurised into taking them by not being giving a viable alternative. If they had helped me in the past I might be more willing but at best I was so exhausted that quality of life was non-existent and at worse they were just access to something else for me to harm myself with. I'm pretty good at that without the additional 'help' . So I'm avoiding gp again. I didn't go and see her last week, couldn't get my head sorted with all the things I'm suppossed to say/ask. Haven't got round to writing it out either. The IAPT process is upsetting me. Because I'd had a good couple of days at the time of last session he'd said it's a good time for me to write my safety plan. Then he sent me the forms in the post expecting me to complete it by myself! I haven't. I mean if I'm motivated enough to complete a safety plan I'd be developing a decent suicide plan! Or is it just me? (Btw I'm not suicidal).

Need a so just off out for some milk. Will get you some chocolate too to thank you for your ramblings .

I agree with the paranoia Ken ..it is awful!...I am constantly analysing every situation in my life and getting myself all worked up about how people see me etc..I then end up a complete anxiety heap in corner...

People who have what I call 'normal' lives really have no idea of how hard it is to live with this illness..wouldn't it be lovely if we all could pull ourselves together as those well meaning people want?....but then on the positive side, because we have experienced it we have this wonderful ability to reach out to others in similar circumstances with complete empathy which is so helpful to us all especially when we are at the bottom of that black hole with no ladder to pull us out.

Lynda have you any idea what has pulled you down recently?

Hi Choca, chocolate would be lovely thanks. I've been really grumpy all day and snappy with dd so maybe chocolate would help my endorphins..?

What is a safety plan? I've never been asked to do one of those?

If you are like me I am really good at making lists of things that I need to do, but I have absolutely no motivation to actually do any of the tasks on my my list!...I then have a complete drop in mood as I realise that I haven't down anything....which makes me do even less....
I have several forms and plans that bed down, but no energy, drive or strength to tackle any of them.

I haven't a suicide plan anymore....just a constant I what to run away plan instead....

Hello Lynda and Ken (sorry I missed you before). Looks like I did something right today - just bought a pack of 4 Cadbury's caramels! Hope you like (you too Am36) . It is hitting the right spot for me and the tea is warming me up. It's gone cold here today.

I have never (until now) been asked to do a safety plan either. It's basically supposed to contain things to help prevent acting on suicidal impulses. Like removing things from the house that I could use, writing a contact list of names / numbers of people I will ring if I am about to, write down what I'd tell a friend who was contemplating suicide (and then take my own advice) etc. I can see the idea of them but I'm curious as to whether they work in the real world.

Oh cadburys caramel are my all time favourite!! Yum yum [cgrin]

Oh so that's what a safety plan is..sounds ok, but problem is that when you are suicidal the last thing you would want to do it listen to your own advice?..?... Or maybe I am just being negative. Mind you the last time I felt suicidal it was the thought of my dd finding me dead that stopped me..so maybe if I had that thought written down it may help if I was suicidal again?

Dd goes back to nursery tomorrow and I am so glad!...it has been a long 5 days..she is there the next two days an then off again for another 4!... I wish I felt well enough physically to work again as I know that being around the house all the time isn't helping my mood.

Did you do anything today Choca?

I moaned groaned, avoided dd in the morning, but then this afternoon felt a bit of energy so took dd for a walk to local shop for an ice cream...she enjoyed it..it knackered me, but I felt good that I did something with her today.