Think I need meds again, but don't know if I should..

[Am36butfeel66]

Hi, I know I am heading down the slippery slope again of depression but I really don't know if I should go back on meds again. I have lived/suffered with depression for nearly 20 yrs now, and for approx 14 of those yrs was on meds, ending up with high dose venlafaxine, olanzapine, and carbamazepine in combination. Until that was that I became pregnant unexpectedly and had to go cold turkey and stop them as they were all toxic to the baby. My dd is now 3.5 and I have been off all meds since. I honestly feel that for me that being on the meds was nearly as bad as being off them due to the side effects, the zombie feelings, etc....
Prob is that I say I am heading down the slope of depression, but to be honest, I always feel depressed and have done for so long. The anxiety, fear, withdrawal from life etc that we face. But I have been able to keep down a job as a nurse and while in work I can function really well, but when I get home I just coccon myself.
The reason I am writing is that I am off sick at mo due to having surgery which developed complications needing further surgery and two more weeks in hospital, and I know that I won't be back at work for a couple of months yet. But I am not coping at home. I am a single mom living with my own mom which isn't ideal, but unavoidable, and I am finding it hard to cope with my dd. I just feel like I don't like her at times. She is a beautiful child, who everyone says is lovely, polite, and good fun, but I really struggle to like her. I know this is most likely my depression causing this but is medication the way to go? The side effects are always worse on me than depression, and I always get the awful withdrawal reaction even when weaned off them slowly by psychiatrists. My dd is happy and people say is well adjusted, so I don't think my depression is effecting her, as I try and do as much with her and cuddle her etc even though I find it hard. I just want to run away, I'm not suicidal thankfully as have been there in the past, but I just want to curl in a ball and ignore the world. I know when you don't like yourself it is hard to like someone else, which is why I feel this way about my dd, I just feel numb to her...but going on meds may only make me more numb as they have done in the past? Sori 4 the ramble x

I can't offer useful advice but wanted you to know someone was here.....
Would it be ignorant to ask if you have been offered counselling/therapy? Along with the meds?

And have there been any developments in AD's in the last 4 yrs that might make a slight difference to the horrible Zombie feeling?

Not really useful but I hope you find an answer, depression really is crap on every level, but you are amazing to recognise the impact on your DD and work so hard to protect her.

Take care.

Thanks for replying, I have had counselling/therapy in the past thru the NHS but did not find it helpful at all, but I did find a really good private counsellor who I saw for approx two years before until my dd was about 4months. I know I could contact her again, but I can't afford to pay for her at the mo, and as she is private she cannot prescribe me any meds anyway. My gp will only send me back to the psychiatrist, but the service they have in this part of the country is awful! They dont give you any time to talk, they just prescribe and send you on yournway, but I don't know if meds is the right way to go?
I have tried to protect dd, but every day it gets harder especially as I can't escape t go to work. She goes to a nursery 4days a week which she loves, but I dread the days that she is here. I also have to walk on egg shells with my mother who likes to be the wonderful spoiling granny who doesn't like to upset dd, so she won't discipline her the way I do, the prob is that I end up being the bad guy and she is always supergran! I cannot talk to my mum about this as in the past she gets all defensive and says I can do all the looking after of my dd and she will do nothing, but I need my mum to help so that I can work, etc..so I just end up saying nothing and biting my Tongue with mum. Being 36 and living back with your mum isn't The way to be!

Hi am36 - your little girl is obviously a pre-schooler. Has this lack of attachment always been there since she was born, or has it sort of worsened over the years. Have you always lived with your mom. I am wondering if your daughter's primary attachment is with your mother, rather than you because of your depression. I do understand depression by the way - I have 2 major episodes in my life, both needing 3 months inpatient on psych ward. The last one was last Easter and I'm still not recovered - many fluctuations etc and am on meds but don't know if they help or not. Don't think anyone realy understands the human brain and how it works do they - maybe in a 100 yrs time they will!

No you are not in the best place to be still living with your mom but at the moment it is probably better than living alone.

I'm sure you are right that it is your depression that is causing your reaction to your daughter, as when we are depressed we want someone to look after us not have to look after someone else. Can't help thinking though that the dynamic between you, your mother, and your daughter has something to do with your feelings about your child.

Hi nananina, My dd is attached to me very well, in fact my mum has commented how much she sees how attached dd is to me, particularly as I have depression. I have overheard my mum talking to others about me and saying it that dd is bonded with me, and knows that I am her mum and my mum is granny.
I lived away from home for over 10 yrs and was married, but when my dd's father left before the little blue line appeared on the pregnancy test, I moved back on with my mum as my father had died a few yrs previous and mum needed company. Now as I only get £5 a wk support from dd's father and no contact from him, I have to stay with mum as I would never be able to work, pay child care, and rent etc... I get tax credits but work shifts so I need my mum to look after dd when the nursery isn't open etc.. I would love to live away from mum, and if I left work I am sure I would get all the financial support I need to live on my own with dd, but I want to work, and I need to work too. Nursing isn't a highly paid job, and I have to balance not working so much that my dd never sees me, so at the mo I work 25hr to get a balance.
I just feel that I want to run away so much at times and hide. I have had a lot of physical probs recently which I know hasn't helped with depression, but I find it hard at times to like my dd, especially when she is acting up!

I can relate to how you feel, defo. I'm ok at work, can function etc. I'm ok some days but I often want to cocoon myself when I get ho e. Right now locked myself in the bedroom ds knocking on door wanting to come in. Ds is 5 dd is6 and have a bipolar dp who needs a lot of his own time away from stressful kids. I just want to stop the world and get off!

It must be so hard living with your mum. You're in a bit of a catch 22

Btw like you're user name. Im 41 and feel 100!

My ex husband (not dd's dad) had schizophrenia, so I know exactly how hard it is to live with someone who has mental health probs while having mental probs too, but he had become an ex long before dd came along. It must be really hard for you with 2 kids and a dp who also has probes so I can def relate to wanting the world t stop and let you off!
Have texted my old private counsellor today and she is going to meet me for coffee some day soon for a chat. I won't be able to afford proper counselling at the mo, but maybe voicing things with her may help me to see the wood thru the trees.
I don't recommend being back with a parent at my age, especially as the parent stil treats me like a 13 yr old, but don't see at the mo I have an option.

I can completely relate Am36. Don't have any answers I'm afraid though. Been on and off various ads for approx. 15 years and I usually end up coming off them because I don't feel like they're making a difference and I hate having to keep taking increasing doses. A couple of months back re-started (and stopped after a few weeks because side-effects were making me worse) and yet now the daily grind is almost making me reconsider. Generally (rightly or wrongly) I'll only resort to ads if I'm feeling suicidal or self-harm out of control.

Hope you manage to figure it out. It's tough isn't it.

Yes chocattack it is really hard, It is comforting to know that I am not the only one who has long term depression and battles with meds too. I know they are good, but for years the psychiatrists every time I visited them kept increasing my dosages to the point I was rattling in the morning having taking them all, then feeling numb constantly, and not sleeping due to excessive night sweats and horrible day sweats if I did the slightest activity. Coming off them for me personally was awful, I had really mad withdrawal effects, so I just don't know if going back on is worth it? I know I am depressed at the mo, and that the probs I have liking dd is most likely due to this. I have no patience with her, and get wound up so easily when she is being naughty which I know only makes things worse, but im not sure that meds would improve my patience?...
Oh bother, I seem to be rambling on this thread so much at times, sori, I'm finding it hard to articulate what is going on in my head succinctly.

Ramble away! Blimey your experience of psychiatrists took me back! I've only ever seen one and vowed never again as I decided pill-pusher . (Hope I don't get shot for saying that!). I think only you'll know whether going back on them is right for you. If you're anything like me you'll probably keep changing your mind too! As for your dd, I was/am experiencing similar with mine and she was the reason why I returned to my gp (no patience, shouting a lot, leaving her to her own devices etc). Did meds improve your patience before?

Well chocattack (love the name!) your description of your probs sound just like mine. I have no patience, get irritated easily, end up getting really tense when she doesn't listen to me, etc.., worse for me is that in life I tend to be a perfectionist type person, and knowing that I am not looking after my dd the way I think I should really gets to me. I want to be the kind of parent that loves playing games with her, that takes her out lots to do fun stuff, to paint, cook, muck around with her, but I just can't do it. I do try of course, we had an outing to her fav coffee shop today which she loved, but I was totally stressed the whole time about it for no reason. We have baked together, planted seeds, coloured in, and I've played with her and her toys, but you could easily count the number of times I have done this with her. I prefer to watch tv and hibernate, while she plays with her toys. When she is having one of her teenage days as I call them where she does the opposite of what I say I find it really hard to like her, and get really annoyed. But then dd can have days where she is great, and plays away happily and listens to me. I know I am a better parent when I am able to work, and she gets t go to nursery, but due to the recent physical health probs I won't b back at work for a while which doesn't help. My mum keeps saying that dd is bored and that is why she acts up, but at mo I want to hibernate, and taking dd out and about is soo hard, especially as I am recovering from 2 recent operations, and also that mentally I want to withdraw. I just feel I am a crap mum and dd would be better without me. I don't have many friends as I have pushed them all away during really depressed times, and as an single parent don't have much support, except from my mum...isn't always helpful at all!

Am36, am I looking into a virtual mirror?! I partially ditched the perfectionist bit of me (still have moments though!) and that has made me more forgiving of myself and lowered my expectations of others. I really feel for you not being able to work at the moment. Right now, I live for the days when my dd goes to nursery. I don't think I could cope with her if it was just me and her all the time. Hats off to all the SAHMs - I go to work for a rest! I think all kids act up when they're bored. My dd certainly does. I'm relieved the weather is getting better as I find it easier to get outside with my dd (once I'm finally out of bed - that can take anything up to 2 hours). We just have to force ourselves sometimes though not denying there are days when it's taken all strength and 7 hours to fetch milk from the local shop! Feeling like a crap mum is just that. Feelings. You're not, I'm not. But being a single parent is lonely.

Thanks choca for reply. My dd has been awake for over 2 hrs and I have given haper her breakfast, but I am back in bed now!..I really should get up, no nursery here today as it is a holiday here so dd will be here all day! So far she is in s good mood playing between her room and my bed, but the thought of the rest of the day fills me with dread. I am back on antibiotics again and feeling lousy, but I know if I could get us out and about today it would benefit her, but leave me stressed out and knackered...but maybe it is better that than me shouting at her as her behaviour deteriorates due to boredom?.....decisions decisions.... It was much easier before the last two months of being physically ill as before I did try and take dd out every day she wasnt at nursery, if even for a starbugs as she calls it (Starbucks)!.. But now all I want to do is watch tv and be a hermit....
Saw my old counsellor yesterday and she has offered to see me to do a new therapy on me at a reduced cost as she knows I need support and cannot afford her full fee, which is great! ... So I think I may hold off on antidepres meds for now and see... Mind you by the end of a day at home with dd I may have changed my mind! Lol.... I just wish sometimes that a man would appear at my door on a White charger and whip me into his arms and say "I am here now to look after you....."... I know.. I am delusional now too! Lol ..x

Hi Am36 didn't catch you before today (rough couple of days for me) but great news about your old counsellor. What 'new' therapy is she going to try? Hopefully this will help keep you ad free (but no shame if it doesn't). Did you manage to get out with your dd? I got out today (mine was beginning to bounce off the walls being trapped indoors so long!) and had her walking over 3 miles. Hopefully I've worn her out so much she'll have a lie in tomorrow (pleeease).
Any luck with the man on a white charger?! You've got more energy than me, lol!

Hi Choca, you ok? Are you feeling better today having been out? I couldn't face going out on thurs, but dd was in one of her good moods and played happily round the house without getting bored so that was ok. She did bounce off the walls today though, even though I baked with her this am, which was pretty tough as I just wanted to lie in bed and interact with no one, but I forced myself to try and do something constructive with her.
My man must have got the wrong address because he hasn't appeared yet!...maybe his horse need a rest somewhere first before he came? ...:)

My counsellor is going to try a therapy called lifespan integration. I had one session before and it was very weird but I am willing to give anything at go at the mo.
Life is pretty tough, and I am getting more and more frustrated with my dd at times as she acts up with me, making me dislike her even more at times. I know that being depressed isn't helping my relationship with her at all.
The man on the white charger better hurry up!

Hi Am36, I'm doing ok, could be (has been) worse! Outside is definitely the place to be but didn't quite manage it today . Mainly because dd decided to wake 7am. Grrrrr. So morning spent in a blur, struggling to stay awake (annoyingly I'm wide awake now). I did manage to play cards with dd today though and that was fun - she's a complete cheat! Don't know if I should be teaching her not to, though let's be honest it's easier to get on in life with cheating skills . Well done for managing to bake (all that washing up is enough to put me off it even though I love eating cakes!).

I hadn't heard of lifespan integration (thank goodness for google) it sounds interesting though. When will your therapy start? I'm still considering what to do. Sometimes I'm in sort of a denial (like I'm supposed to see my gp again this week but don't think I'll bother because I'm doing ok (on and off)), and at other times I'm in self-destruct mode and actually don't want anyone to help me even though I probably need it.

Hope things are less tough for you today.

Hi Choca, my dd is waking earlier and earlier too now so I can definitely empathise with the early starts. I am really grumpy in the mornings and find it hard to communicate to my very happy morning person dd until at least 12pm! We are off to nursery soon when I get out of bed and it will be great to be dd-free for a few hour! I hate weekends now so much as it ends up in a battle between me, dd ddgran and discipline!
Maybe you should keep your app with dr as it good to talk??.....I am seeing mine later today about my physical probs but may mention to her about mental probs too but haven't decided yet...there is only so much you can discuss in a 5 min app! :)
Well I'm off, going to buy some hay today for mans horse....if he ever show up! .

Hi Am36, it's great 'chatting' like this - means I have a reason for logging on ;-). How was your dd free day? I had my first one of the week today and even though it meant having to go to work I actually had a rather good day.(So good I'm sat here with my glass of wine on MN!). My dd had a good day too so when I went to collect her from nursery we were BOTH happy. Result! How was your appt? Did you find 30secs time whilst there to mention your mh probs? Perhaps your recent problems are due to the physical probs. And because you are not at work you're feeling "out of routine" being just 'mum'. I've decided to postpone my gp appt but will still see my counsellor this week.

Hi Choca, I didn't mention mh probs to gp as she was more concerned with getting me sorted with physical ones and by the end of that I was tired and very sore from being poked and prodded, so like you will see counsellor on thurs and start that again and take it from there.

Free day on mon was shorter than expected as dd was really acting up after breakfast and wouldn't come and get washed etc (been having real probs recently with her ignoring my instructions and playing up as if it is a game to her), so I warned her twice that if she didn't come and get washed she wouldn't go to nursery (she loves her nursery), so....she didn't come and subsequently she had to stay home until lunchtime when I then brought her there after telling her frequently in between her stropes about why she couldn't go to nursery at her normal time. (I have tried different ways of tackling dd's behaviour and so far none of them faze her, so I hope that this may work as she was so gutted she couldn't go to nursery)....meant that I had her with me in the house with my ddgran not happy that I have upset her darlinggd!... But today she was home and was in great form all day, with no tantrums..so maybe it worked?....watch this space!...
Glad you had a good day too, wouldn't it be great if they were all like that? How do SAHM do it? They deserve medals!...
Pass me a glass of please? :) but only if it is White!..
You working again this week?
I will be interested to hear tomorrow on the budget whether there are anymore changes to tax credits!...more chocolate and alcohol may be required.

Yes, yes, white wine all the way for me! Though probably I shouldn't have done. Today wasn't a yesterday . Your dd sounds familiar. I spoke to my hv about mine ("behavioural issues") and she reassured me that she's probably acting up for attention and that as I get better and have more patience / energy / less anger etc things will settle down. I hope she's right. I cringe at the amount of shouting going on (me, not her). As for upset dgd - that's mums for you! Mine's the same and that's on the end of a phone. Yet she'd be the first to complain about kids of today not behaving/disrespecting parents blah blah!

One more work day for me. I should be pleased but the thought of being home alone in charge of dd feels more daunting right now. Sigh. But onwards and upwards...

I am utterly convinced that we are living mirrored lives! I could be writing exactly what you do! I am completely stressed at the thought of a day at home with dd, as I know I will end up getting annoyed and stressed out with her.

My very unhelpful ddgran likes to tell me that my dd's behaviour is most likely linked to my illness too. Coments like that make me feel worse!

What happened today to give :( ?

Need or I have some banana muffins left over from baking the other day?....they arent mouldy yet... :)

Mirrored lives indeed but strangely comforting . My mantra is kids are resilient. I have wine (yesterday's left-overs) and definitely won't be having anymore. What gave today? Nothing particular. The moon I think. Maybe yesterday's wine - believe it or not I don't actually drink so when I do it affects me. I shouldn't but I had to open a bottle to make a risotto - part of my plan to make/eat something nutricious! I saw counsellor today and I was difficult - basically shutting down because I know my sessions are finishing. Just experiencing the drip, drip of negativity (that feeling that it's the same old, same old) yet being aware of it and trying to counteract it if that makes sense. Utterly exhausting mentally...

I'll take the virtual muffins for now. Thanks!

How many sessions have you got left? I understand the negativity feeling only to well, sometimes feels what is the point in trying to make things better when you know that they not last long?....
I see my counsellor later. So will see how that goes.

I don't drink really either, if I do it would be a cider :) , but it doesn't agree with me at all any more but i stil do it. Think my liver over the years of meds and gall bladder probs is giving up in me. Gone are the days of enjoying a bottle of wine :(... Although prob because I have no social life really doesn't help!

Risotto sounds lovely, I've never done one. I bought Jamie Os 30 min meal book, and there is one in that with mushrooms that I might try. Prob is I can't be bothered to get the ingredients and make it..too much effort involved!

I have a work night out tomorrow, and knowing me I will pull out at the last minute as I usually do! I haven't been at work since end Jan and know when I go out I will be asked by everyone how I am etc..but one part doesn't mind that, while the other wants to hibernate and not have to say a thing...and not go! ... I never really enjoy going out as I get so caught up in my own anxieties and stresses...(how I look, what to eat, what to say, worried what people think, try to be fun when I dont feel it, attempting to be interesting, when all I really want is to retreat to my bed...). I am a sad case I know, and have many hang ups, but hay ho....joys of long term depression...no friends! :(

Now that I have totally stressed myself I'm off to try and start the day. Dd lying beside me watching tv munching dry cheerios, her banana skin slicking to the duvet cover..yuk.. ddgran will be waking up soon to moan that we are still in bed, so must try and probably fail to be up before she makes a comment.

Just popped by to say hi. I saw your message yesterday but was unable to post a reply - I'm everything at once right now. How did your session go? I've got one more left. Did you go to your work night out? I haven't had a night out since last summer! One day...

Sorry Am36, but I was hoping I would be feeling less negative tonight. I don't want to go off on a moaner (especially on your thread ) so think I might just give up until another day. I don't know why I'm feeling this unconnected but it happens. Tomorrow is another day. Hope your weekend ok.

This thread is for both of us to vent now so don't worry about what you say or don't say... You can be a complete moaning Minnie and I will be here to listen. Can't guarantee I will have any sound advice, but I will be here with , , and :)

My session on thurs was ok, she (counsellor) didn't do a full lifespan thing, we just talked about life in general at the moment and looking at practical things to do to help me discipline (not scream at DD). it was great to have someone to talk to, and more important listen!. She has been my counsellor on and off for about 6 yrs so she knows my background which is great..she understands me. (she is actually the first counsellor or MH person who I think has actually understood me to be honest.) I haven't seen her for over a year..mostly due to finances, but I know at the moment I need to see someone, and as she has offered to see me at a reduced cost I am taking the opportunity while I have it.
Next session is Fri so she wil probably do the proper lifespan integration (li) then.

I went to the nite out, it was tough but I survived it:). It's horrible that this depression means that you can't even enjoy nights out...they are more a challenge than a joy :(
I by the end of the night was exhausted, and also very sad as I realised that I was very alone. Some of the friends I work with have had social things, like out for coffee, out for meals etc and I was never invited, and that upset me as I realised how isolated I have become. I know that if they thought I would want to go out they would have asked me to join, but probably I when it came to it would chicken out anyway and not go. It is completely unreasonable I know to feel like that...why get upset that you aren't included when you wouldn't go anyway, and past invites have been declined so why would they bother asking?!...I suppose my brave self would like to go, but my depressed self wouldn't venture out the door. I'm jealous of people that can have a 'normal' life I suppose...I would love to be sociable and have loads of friends, but that in reality isn't the case due to depression.

Oh I'm rambling again...you must stop me! :)

I understand completely how feeling unconnected is...you just want to get into that foetal position and let the world carry on without you?
Did anything happen in particular to make you go down? Or like me was it just the weekend with dd at home and no work to keep yout mind on other things?
I hope that today you wake up and feel a bit more connected, but if you dont..you don't..just get through the day the best way you can.

and ready for you now....how do you take it?
I'm a milk with one (meant to be sweetener...but usually sugar) person, like tea, but before my last operation loved skinny caramel latte, but can't face it at the moment.
I love buttery toast with jam or marmalade.. Just let me know your preference so I can make yours the right way. :)

It was nice of you to reply to my pitiful attempt at a message . And for the offering of an ear. I guess I'm just not very good at making use of ears. I bore myself with circular thoughts in my head that I can't bear sometimes to even acknowledge them out loud. That feeling of being bored of suffering for so long that you believe everyone around you is bored too of it and so you don't even try to articulate it. I just wish "it" would just eff off and give me a break! It's exhausting. Like you and the night out. Congrats by the way on actually going through with it.

You actually inspired me to go out (with my dd though) to a nearish neighbour for a small house gathering this evening. I nearly didn't go, probably if I didn't have my daughter I wouldn't have, but my dd was there when the neighbour chanced upon us in the street and invited us (she has a dd too) and my dd got all excited at the idea of going round to play with the neighbours dd. I feel so guilty about her limited social life (minimal other than nursery) that I couldn't let her down by saying we couldn't go (I mean what excuse did I have?). So after a horrendous start to the day (out of bed and downstairs after 1pm, after fighting the I-want-to-take-lots-of-pills-and-block-everything-out-and-go-to-sleep-for-a-wee-bit-so-I-can-have-a-rest urge) in the early evening we went off. Fortunately, my anxiety levels are quite low at the moment so it wasn't too much of a struggle meeting new people etc. But unfortunately, I've been drinking again after I had told myself I wouldn't. I just find it really hard to say no when someone is waving a bottle around!! The guests were all lovely, and I think I may even have convinced the host that I'd be a good friend - that's if I can keep the depression out of it. Although we originally met a couple years ago we've only met a handful of times since. Usually I've just been too depressed to engage and have backed out of activities so to be honest I was surprised she even asked me tonight.

I spent much time in my youf (don't I sound old!) having this whole trauma. I used to go through stages in my early 20s when I'd practically force myself to go out when invited because I knew that if I kept saying no all the time people would stop asking. I remember going to really dodgy nightclubs with awful music drinking more and more until I'd eventually go off on one and have to leave!

Blimey look who is rambling now, lol! Enough already... Here's to tomorrow and getting 'through the day the best way I can' (I love this thank you .)

P.S. I'm a tea with milk and one two sugars. I'm trying to get back down to one again though as I have a really sweet tooth but I'm not succeeding right now. I'm not a huge toast fan but when I do I like it with smooth peanut butter.