Tea, toast and chocolate continuing support thread

[Am36butfeel66]

This is a continuing support thread that has evolved from a thread I started called " think I need meds again but don't know if I should". I really should learn how to link properly..sorry..:)

It is open to anyone that wants to chat about living with depression. I was worried that people who read my original thread would feel that it had become exclusive and I didnt want people to think they couldn't join in.

About me...I am a single mom with a 3.8 yr old dd, who drives me mad! Am living again with ddgran (my aging mother) who helps in the driving mad situation too! :)

Have had depression since my late teens, and have been on and off meds during this time. At the moment I am off meds and getting therapy, but always the thought I should restart meds is ever present. I struggle every day with depression but have found that sharing my daily grind here a help.

So if you want to join my daily moan, groan, virtual tea toast and chocolate feel free..

Hope you find me Chocattack ... (she makes great bread...but unlike me likes it with peanut butter!.. While I prefer nutella :) )

No you're not being negative. That was my thought exactly! The fact is by the time I get to that point I'm not actually thinking anymore.

Just working today. And found out this evening dd is coming home Saturday. Gulp! Will try not to think about it too much.

Ice-cream?! Sounds like it was warmer where you are than here! I had to buy a hot chocolate this afternoon. Seriously though, good for you. Enjoy your couple days off. Are you any closer to returning back to work? Have you found out if you need further op?

Well you have a few days left at least before dd comes home. try and make the most of it and don't worry about her coming home until sat.

Yes today was much nicer weather..the weekend wasn't that great but by the looks of it the next few days could be ok here. For once we will have better weather here than in London!..makes a change....

I am so torn about work....I am getting to the realisation that I am going to be left with on going pain and nausea, so part of me thinks I should try and learn how to live and work with it....while the other half of me hopes that the drs may come up with something to do that will cure me? My consultant is off on holiday at the moment, so I haven't heard what he has decided to do with me yet. I will contact his secretary the end of next week if I haven't heard anything by then.

Hope work ok for you tomorrow. You off on fri? Planning on watching the wedding?

Ongoing pain and nausea doesn't sound good. Really hope your consultant can work miracles . Fingers crossed for his return then.

It's still cold here today . I just had to go fetch my fleece bath robe I'm so cold. Where's the heat gone? I daren't even look at the forecast for the weekend. I've had an ok day, more anxiety but manageable (apart from the pins and needles in my hands - I want to chop them off!). Just drained, but otherwise psyche in good shape! Get up to much on your dd-free day?

Work today, work tomorrow then day off!! No I won't be watching the wedding. I'm not a huge wedding fan especially when I don't know the bride or groom. Each to their own .

Oh I love a good wedding! [cgrin] I have even bought dd a little flag to wave at the tv!! How sad is that!! [csmile]. I'm not a huge royalist but I am a sucker for a fairytale...keep hoping that one day I will have my own fairytale ending?...I know I'm delusional again [csmile]. My own wedding was lovely..it was just a shame about the man I married...[cgrin]

Why have your hands for pins and needles? You hyperventilating? Or have you got a trapped nerve?

It was great to pack dd off to nursery today...I headed off shopping then to a nearby town to buy dd a cardigan that would go with her red/blue outfits I had got her for nursery...I had forgotten at the time of buying them that all of dd's cardigans and jackets are pink! I know that the pink cardie would look fine, but I just couldn't do it.....I shall hang my head in shame now for putting my OCD in dd looking nice onto her....[cblush].

Glad that your day was better than yesterday.

Shrieks OMG at the fact I'm conversing with someone who'll be watching the wedding!!!!!

Lucky I've been having a few 's else I might not be quite so forgiving [cgrin] (see i'm getting into the spirit of things!). Ah well I guess there won't be another one for a while. Blimey though, I'm shocked. Just shows you don't know who you're talking to on the www [cwink]. In fact might need another just to get over it! Maybe something stronger, lol [cgrin]. Please tell me you're not going to watch it wearing your wedding dress! Though I am impressed at your dedication for making sure dd has correct garb to wear to nursery. Says "Must be a better mummy, must be a better mummy, must be a better mummy, must be a better mummy, must be a better mummy, must be a better mummy, must be a better mummy, must be a better mummy..." to self. I've no idea whether my dd was dressed appropriately for nursery today. Hmmm. She's on ddgran watch so "not my problem, guv"!

Just one more day before dd return for me (yep trying to block it out with [cgrin]). Oh well, it's about time I stood on own two feet again. I'm a grown woman FFS. Oops maybe need more . Think of it as early celebratory drink(s) for the happy couple (I hear it's a morning wedding so best to get the drinks in now [cwink]). Enjoy!

[cgrin] I am heading quickly to the shower so that I wont have to sit in pjs all day....as I don't intend to leave the tv for a second [cgrin]......

Have bought dd some neew DVDs do entertain her in another room hopefully...

I am not wearing my wedding dress...as unfortunately have not been invited to the wedding, but I may put on a little perfume for the occasion & maybe a clean pair of jeans?..?..

Hope that you enjoy all the wonderful tv coverage as I know you secretly are excited about it all [cgrin].

Am36, have you left the tv yet?!

Oh this will make you laugh, my dd's nursery enacted the wedding and dd got to play Kate [rolls around floor laughing]! Apparently she watched the wedding yesterday but luckily with ddgran so I managed to avoid all but a glimpse on the news. (Is it safe to turn the tv on yet? [cgrin])

Well dd is back and I'd forgotten how exhausting it is. I'm ready for bed already and haven't done anything for me yet today. We did go to the park this afternoon which was nice and it wasn't too busy so I wasn't too stressed. I'm hoping for a quiet, tantrum-free (her, not me!) day tomorrow to break me back in gently. So far I'm bearing up though.

Any excitement?

P.S. More bread making it's way over [cwink].

If I was you I would keep the tv off until Sept?..[cgrin]. as I have just watched the wedding highlights again tonight in sky...and loving it!..I dare say it will be repeated lots, so if you want to avoid it I would sell your tv and buy a bigger bread maker, as I am loving the bread you send...but need more [cgrin].

Very impressed with your dd and the wedding...do you have to bow to her now that she is a Duchess? I tried to get my dd to watch it but she wasn't that impressed really...she did want to know why there was a forest in the Abbey as we don't have them in our church!...and she did get a bit scared when they prayed to the Holy Ghost...I had to try and explain to her the trinity but what 3.8 yr old would understand that [csmile]... I thnk she thought a ghost was going to appear out of the tv! It was quite funny!!

You better not have a tantrum tomorrow or you won't get a sweet...or a sticker!!..I filled the sweet box up yesterday so the selection is pretty good..so you wouldnt want to miss out!...but your dd could have some instead [csmile].

My tummy is really playing up today...don't think it liked the 3cans of pear mangers last night!...but I did at the time though!..so I can safely say I have a knackered liver that doesn't cope with alcohol at the moment!..hopefully it should get better I hope. I haven't drunk much for a few years, but it would be crap if I couldn't drink anymore if I wanted to!

I called in to say hi at work today with dd, but unfortunately my manager was there so I didn't stay long. She was her usual unsympathetic self wanted to know if I had my returning to work line with me!...she then said I would be getting a letter for occ health for an app..to which I replied that I was surprised that I hadn't heard from them already as I have been off over 9 weeks. She then asked what my dr had said..I told her that I had already spoken to her about that, but she had forgotten!...and then remembered when I told her again!... Aaarrrggghhh!..

Well I'm off to la la land now...although sleep has been crap this last week, I fall asleep ok, but wake from about 4am tossing and turning!..good olde depression...don't you just love it [chmm]

Thanks for bread...Italian ice cream with honeycomb winging it's way to you x

I've read but can't reply (properly) .
I'm in a state, drinking hot chocolate (better than [hmmm]), eating peanut butter on toast, then it's zopiclone and bed for me. I can't take any more today. Back tomorrow x

even

Big hugs Chocattack. Hope hot chocolate helps along with Zopi. Am here if you want a chat x

Hot choc and zopi helped though it seemed to take too long to fall asleep (i remember seeing the clock when it was 11pm). I was home alone last night, and again tonight (dd with ddgran again because yesterday I got upset and went for a walk. I took my journal with me and sat in woodland. Unfortunately I was so beyond myself I was writing pages and pages of nothingness really but was trying to get myself out of my thoughts, eventually I wrote to the end of the book and my pen was running out and it was a couple of hours later and I realised I couldn't move. Cutting a very long story short my brother/SIL had to come and get me in the car . I didn't want to be 'rescued' but had to allow myself to be else would probably still be there.

It's been a better day today though still tired despite not waking up until midday. I saw dd this afternoon but otherwise I've been taking it nice and slow.

Meant to say thanks for the ice cream. That wouldn't be Co-op's truly irresistable (spelling?) range par chance? Also your dd's response to the wedding made me laugh even yesterday, especially the bit about the holy ghost .

Well here's hoping for another decent night's sleep. Has sleep been better for you? I think I hate the waking early and tossing/turning more than the not falling to sleep. x

Hi, it was good that you were able to get your brain thoughts down on paper yesterday. Did anything happen to make you so down yesterday? Or was it a combination of the last few weeks?

We all need to be rescued sometimes..life is too hard to do alone, so it was good that you had people there who gave you practical support of getting you home safe.

Is your mum able to keep dd for a while longer for you? You are bound to be tired with all the nervous and stress energy you have been burning up. Lie down when you can and try watching tv to let your brain shut off for a while. Although if you are like me your attention span is affected?..mine is crap!

I had a better sleep last night..must have got 6 hrs straight through which was brilliant. But I did have to take lots of meds too make that happen! Today has been ok, the sun is still shining here, and although quite windy, we spent alot of the day in the garden with me sun bathing and dd trying unsucessfully to get me to play with her. No nursery again tomorrow...so the thought of another long day with dd is hard, but I'm sure it will be fine.

Ice cream isnt co- op it is from a wee Italian shop near me, and is yummy!!..bug chunks of honeycomb!!!

Hope your day tomorrow is better.

chocolate and mini eggs posted [cgrin]

Hi All
Liked the name of the group! very cosy and warm and wanted to join in! I'm new to Mums net, just out of bed! can't sleep becuse of anxiety and can't tell any one other than my partner who is great, but I feel I am driving him mad with my woos. Keep trying to pluck up courage to see GP for counselling, did it for a bit years ago, but was over so quick then it all started again. Love my two girls and want to go to groups but soo anxious. Just feel so sad and tearful.

Hi veep1

Glad you joined . Fancy some chocolate or is it a bit early for you?...would a be better?

Anxiety is a horrible thing, it has stopped me from doing so much in my life. So I understand completely how you feel. My mum (ddgran) says that if I didn't have something to worry about I would probably worry about the lack of something to worry about! .

I am having counselling ATM and I find it really helpful to have someone to unburden to. I have been with this counsellor for nearly 6 years now, although I have had long periods when I didn't see her. She is a private trained counsellor, but thankfully does not charge me very much at all anymore, which is great as I couldn't afford it!..

I have had NHS psychiatric help in the past, but I never clicked with the psychologists, psychoanalysts, or psychiatrists, and agree that the therapy they offered was too short. I know I am very lucky to have found someone who I gel with now, who understands me and helps me...she is pretty tough with me too I must add!! .

Are there any local support groups for anxiety and depression near you that you could join? I know it would be really hard to go to that first meeting, but you would be in a room with people who completely understand you....talking with people who understand is always a great help as you realise you areent the only person to struggle to live?....

I'm off now to drag myself and dd out of bed....wish she was going to nursery today as I need a break..but will have to try and make the most of it. She is such a happy wee thing thankfully and doesn't seem to be affected by my mental health at all. Which is a good job!

Hope today ok for us all- chocolate, ice cream and pringles ready for those that need...including of course , and anything that takes your fancy..

Hi Am 36
Thank you for your lovely message, chocolate and coffee would hit the spot nicely! Sorry not sure how I work the icons?? it does feel nice to be understood. I find it really hard to be honest about it all and incrediably hard to speak about it.
Happy to hear you are getting on well in counselling, thanks for the tip about groups I have never thought about that, will look into this.
It has been helpful just to read about everyones experiences, thank you and best wishes to you all. xxx

Hi veep1, I'm relatively new to Mumsnet too (January) so still getting to grips with it. Anxiety is crap isn't it? I would second Am36 on the groups. I attended one a number of years ago and found it invaluable but unfortunately funding was withdrawn and the group folded. I've now found a few run by MIND but I haven't yet plucked up the courage to attend . So yes that first meeting is hard. Do you think you will pluck up the courage to see your gp about counselling again?

Hi Am36, hopefully your dd day was fine. It's so hard when we don't have the energy. I feel I should be floating on clouds I've had so little childcaring responsibilities the last week or so, yet I'm not. Today was better, despite a rubbish nights sleep (racing thoughts again but I think because of Sunday's practice I was better equipped to deal with it!). Yes Sunday was triggered - combination of emotional inadequacy and bad anger management on my part [sigh].

So what's bothering your sleep? Is it the physical pain or the depression (or combination of the two?). I'm guessing it's a combination else you'd say diazepam and/or sleeping tablets instead of lots of meds .

Here's to a better day for you both tomorrow (and me of course) .

Oh anger management..yip I'm crap at that too Choca...I will suddenly just flip...usually at ddgran!..one Christmas about 5 yr ago before dd was born I flipped at the dinner table Christmas day and walked out....I didn't speak to my mum for two weeks after that, and to this day I don't really know what got me so angry! Thankfully I was living in my own place at that time and was able to escape.

Yes it is a combination problem with my sleep..nausea, pain and brain that won't switch off at all..I just toss and turn, except I can't lie on my favourite right side at the moment due to discomfort following gall bladder surgeries..

I am so mixed up about work, don't know if I should just go back to work and learn to live with the pain and nausea..because if I am not going to have this the rest of my live I need to learn how to live with it. I just don't know. I look well which is the problem, as people who see me can't understand why I am still off sick..but I don't feel well though! Aarrgggghh!!!

Today was ok, dd played in garden and I ironed, and worked sorting out old photos. Ddgran was in garden with dd so I could leave them to it and sit in study and watch, which was good as I couldnt face too much interaction today. I did read to dd though..and let her cuddle up to me while we watched tv before her bed which she enjoyed. So I managed that I suppose.

veep1 hi again, if you did think about group therapy, we could support you here to get you there.
I know I need support when i go out somewhere new as I get myself in a right stupid state about nothing, but knowing that there is someone there to talk to that understands would be a help.

Off to bed now, hot chocolate, coffee, , vodka, and toast with cinnamon and sugar ready for all here x

Vodka Am36, where did that come from?! [disapproving finger wagging].

Oh I know what made me flip - I just should have handled it better so I didn't flip, iyswim. 2 weeks though...wow.

Your consultant is back this week though. Presumably you don't need to make any decision until then. Try not to worry that you look well - that's the same as depression really isn't it . You aren't well that's the point. I'm sure eventually you will end up going back to work - being a SAHM isn't all it's cracked up to be is it .

Goodnight. (Or good morning).

PS. Please, please come round and do my ironing!

Oh dont wag your finger at me please ....it was a nice bottle, and it did happen 5 yrs ago now...it may have been a nightly occurrence then, but haven't done it since...I promise....I just use chocolate instead now.

I need to contact my consultants secretary....but I just have to pick up the phone and do it...it sounds easy when you write it down...but actually doing it in practice is hard!! Why is it that in work I can do so much and function really well, but when I am not at work with my role I can't do anything that involves phoning, or talking to people I don't know...in fact, I barely chat on the phone at all...I kind of shudder when the phone rings and it is for me..but I could chat for hours on the Internet!! And in work I can be in charge of the unit I work in and no one would know I have this problem at all as I can function normally!! Oh bother...I hate depression!!!

Dd goes back to nursery tomorrow.. Yipee..5 hrs of freedom for me!!

Choca what is happening with your dd and her gran?...

Off now to dream of vodka ...

Ok Am36 here's what we are going to do. We're going to give each other a good kick up the arse bottom! You're going to ring you consultant's secretary in the 5 hours that your dd is at nursery (or was that today (Weds) rather than Thurs?) and I'm going to fill in a job application (deadline fri) which I've been putting off (because completing my registration form and CV was enough reason for my self-congratulatory behaviour a few weeks ago ). As you say, sounds easy when you write it down. Motivation is a huge struggle but WE HAVE TO DO IT!

Work day for me today and I actually managed to concentrate for a fair bit. I'm fading fast now though. I guess we try to focus at work and it's the home life that suffers. Dd is with me at the moment, probably until Sat. For whatever reason I had a rubbish sleep again last night so definitely hoping for better tonight. Maybe I should be trying the vodka! Only kidding .

Hi Am36, no news = good news? Doing good over here. Spent day in the garden in the sunshine (I think the first day of sunshine I've properly enjoyed all year - yey! )