Thoughts of killing my children - anyone else have them?

[BattyBetty]

Shocking huh but apparently completely normal. Wish I'd know that for the last 25 years.

I have what is known as 'obsessive neurosis' which are terrifying thoughts of harming/killing the things I love (namely the DCs and my parents when I was a teenager for a brief stage - never worried about killing DH though even though I could sometimes smash his face in!). These thoughts have haunted me for years and I have been in complete agony all the times I have been alone with the DCs which has been a lot as DH was working away. Basically I fear I will lose control and go crazy and hurt them - which is especially frightening when I have to use knives/scissors. In fact at one point I threw all our sharp knives away and we ended up with one small paring knife to use .

Of course I could not tell anyone about this until I told DH last year and he laughed at what has been torturing me for years and told me he sometimes has these thoughts as well but they don't bother him, he just dismisses them immediately. Until this time, I had no idea 'normal' people did this as well.

I found the courage to see my GP (of course expecting SS to be called and for me to be sectioned as an emergency) and he just shrugged and said 'poor you, to have been suffering for so long' .

I now know all about this 'illness' but cannot bloody well get rid of it. I tried Prozac as obviously these thoughts depress me but it made it 10 times worse. I have just completed CBT but it really has not made much difference - all it achieved was me confronting my mother about my abusive childhood which has alienated the whole of my family from me .

So anyone else been/going through this and come out the other side??

Battybetty

I too had an alcoholic father and both parents being extremely abusive and a narcisstic mother also on valium, diazapan and others I cannot remember!.

Battybetty - for me accepting the thoughts was the key to coping.

It's so hard though. I felt so guilty, depressed and frightened by the thoughts, but in a way the fact that I felt like this helped me to see that I didn't actually want to enact them, iyswim?

So, accepting the thoughts, letting them come and go and not reacting to them was extremely upsetting to start with. But the less I reacted to them, the less intense they became. A bit like melvinscomment, to be flippant about it.

Hi all, I am so desperately upset. I am getting horrific intrusive thoughts about my son its broken my heart. This morning I pictured putting him under water and him fighting and struggling with me :( These thoughts started a couple of month ago and they terrify me beyond belief, what also terrifies me is would I actually go ahead and do one of these intrusive thoughts?!
When I had that thought this morning I felt myself get panicky and hot and just wanted to burst into tears (again)......
Please is anyone else out there going through this?????????
My mind is constantly going round and round and feels like I will go mad....do I need locking up?
xxxx

You poor thing :-(
No you dont need locking up. Unfortunately these OCD thoughts are quite common thing with PND.
Have you been diagnosed with that or have you seen your health visitor or dr.
Its a horrible thing. Try the same tips for panic attacks if you have a thought and then it leads to the panicky sensations.
So - slow down your breathing. Breath in for four slowly then out for 4 slowly. And put your hand on your abdomen to make sure its that going up and down rather than your chest - this will help you breathe more deeply.

Your mins will be going round and round with 'thats a terrible thought, im a horrible person, Im going mad etc.' So you need to try and break that.

So try saying to yourself: 'Thats a stupid thought. Normally I wouldnt pay any attention to it and im not going to now. ' then do something like count back from 300 in 3's or count the patterns on a wallpaper - anything just to break the pattern of thinking.'

Hi thanks for your reply.

I have been to see Phychiatrist and they say its all Anxiety they haven't actually said PND or anything like that, they want me to take Pregabalin but I even get worried about taking medication, because of the "what if's", what if I die or get bad reaction etc. These intrusive thoughts appeared when I was incorrectly put on anti depressants a few weeks back when I shouldn't have been. Before that I never had any intrusive thoughts :(

Its kind of like those seeds have been planted and now I cant unpick them I feel completely broken.

Will this ever stop or will I be like this for the rest of my life its horrendous, I would never hurt a hair on my sons head and I flinch even if I think he is going to fall over - so I must love him!

xx

These sort of thoughts really are normal. Don't try to fight them, just let them come, observe and label them and carry on. In time you won't react with so much fear of them and you'll eventually stop them coming.

Yes just try and 'under' react to them if at all possible. So dont allow yourself to go into the whole 'will i be like this for the rest of my life - its horrendous' etc etc because that just feeds it. I know its really hard but this is really good advice from doesbuggerall

Don't try to fight them, just let them come, observe and label them and carry on

Thanks everyone, your comments are appreciated. At least I am not ABNORMAL - even though the thoughts are the most hideous aweful things EVER!

I freak out so easily and these thoughts are hitting me where it hurts the most ie being about my beautiful boy xxx

Shelley these kind of thoughts are absolutely horrible but unfortunately very normal, I have them too and they are much better that they were. I did think for a while when my baby was younger that they would carry on forever and I would spend the rest of my life hidung scissors and knives and anything else I thought I might hurt him with but I don't have to do that now. Feel free to pm me if you want someone to talk to

today i had the thought "i cant be bothered to look after him" :( but i had a horrific day yesterday and felt exhausted today!!!

husband says most mums worldwide probally think that they cant be bothered to and not to worry ???

I had this along with many other friends. It was helpful to realise this and talk to them about it.

I felt so much better when I realised I didn't need to worry about the thoughts being there, why they were there, exacatly what they meant etc etc.

They weren't predicting anything, they weren't instructing me to do anything. They were just there, and then they passed.

In the end I just reassured myself that my mind ran through a dangerous scenario as a sort of of reminding me that it could be a dangerous scenario ie, in the bath, or near knives or whatever. Those things ARE dangerous and as I was anxious/stressed/tired my mind overplayed the danger into thinking through, in great detail, what might happen if... which can only be upsetting.

Try and let them pass, remember it's very common, and give the thoughts less weight. They do pass. Hope you feel better soon, and make sure you get help for any anxiety.

I think we all have days where we can't be bothered. Now that is VERY normal!

Thank you so much everyone, it does not feel like its normal but it obviously is!!!! Relief!!!! Taking everything to heart doesnt help either, i always havexxxx

today had thought - i wish child was dead - i feel a bit numb to it (ignoring it to certain extent, prob meds) and also upset (obviously) what kind of person am i - really!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It doesn't mean anything bad about you Shelley, it was just a thought. I know how awful it feels but thinking something doesn't mean you want to act on it

Hi was just wondering if anyone had maybe felt the same as me. i haven't spoke to anyone about the intrusive horrible thoughts I have about harming my dh I feel awful even writing it how can a mother think like this it makes me want to just leave my child with its father . Iv always thought I'm a physco for the way I think like looking at a family member and a sudden vision of picking the ash tray up and throwing it at there face or even when a dog is annoying me the vision of me kicking it and it never used to worry me until I started seeing the visions towards my dh. I went to my gp and told them my anxiety had got bad which it has and is due to a traumatic birth experience of an emergency c section and a tachycardia attack after... which now at 19 they have put me on beta blockers and the gp prescribed me sertraline which started to help but I feel like the thoughts have become more frequently or it could b me worrying as I worry about everything and even my health to the point I could have a breakdown and give up. Iv decided to read the book imp of mind.. I don't want to feel like this and if I'm going crazy. Has anyone got any good advice??? Would be really appreciated. Thanks x

Hello I know this thread is a couple of years old now but I've seen that Mid95 recently posted. Mid95 yes I am currently suffering similar problems to yourself, I have a 4yr old Daughter and I have just separated from my Husband (her father) and thoughts of hurting her i.e slapping her, pushing her down stairs etc came into my head about 6weeks ago. I had postnatal depression when i had her (and emergency c section like you) but was never given any medication. I've never really had that bond id of wanted with her. I feel now ive split with my Husband and im on my own with her (he's moved out but still sees her) but im the main carer, its freaked me the hell out!!! I cannot believe the position im in, i love my girl with all my heart, but these thoughts are putting a wedge between us.
I went to see my GP who was very supportive and start CBT next week. Its the scariest time of my life but reading posts such as the above have helped me realise we are not alone!! Message me further if you wanna chat a bit more as I think we all need to help each other through this xxx

Totally relate, even down to hiding the knives! I discovered to my great relief that it is a form of ocd.

Prozac made it worse for me, too. Sertraline solved the problem and it hasn't bothered me for ages now, but it made me gain a lot of weight :(

I found this website helped me quite a lot when I was really suffering, so maybe it will help you to have a read of it
Here

Ps: mld how long have you been on Sertraline? You are young, and it can affect young people differently (I'm in my late thirties). You may need the dose raised. Go back to the doctor, and if you are having any odd thoughts, or suicidal thoughts, then make sure she knows.

I know this thread is 10 years old but I have the same feelings, and it haunts/tortures me i make up images in my mind out of no where that disturb me. Images like What if I smothered my son or hurt him in anyway.

@Agooddad95 Seriously go to see your GP as they can help you.

I put up with similar intrusive thoughts for years; it was as if they were not my own thoughts but it was horrible.
Then I was put on high dose anti psychotics by my psychiatrist to treat my Schizoaffective disorder... and the intrusive thoughts were suddenly just gone.
So I plucked up the courage to tell my psychiatrist about the intrusive thoughts & his reaction was actually ok, he said is there a risk you will carry out the thoughts, I said no & he said that's fine... he'd heard it all before.

Not saying that you have Schizoaffective disorder or need anti psychotics like I did as I had other symptoms; but you may have for example a bad Anxiety problem that can be treated by your GP.