I dont know what to do next...

[Ifeellikeimdrowning]

I've suffered with depression for years, on and off Fluoxetine, s/h, seen the CMHT on and off etc.

The last year things have gone down hill, I went back in the fluox a few months ago. Made the decision that my living arrangements weren't helping anything and I was becoming a hermit who lived in one room and rarely left it apart from for work. I finished my degree somehow, gave notice at work and started job hunting.

I landed a job 200miles away, and moved a fortnight ago. I have one really close friend here (who I met through MN, have namechanged for this) and see her a fair amount. Work hasnt gone according to plan - this really should be my dream job when it all works out but its taking alot of hiccups and hugely reduced hours to get there.

I'm living in a share house, where I thought the people were really nice to start with, but two weeks in not so much. I am already barely leaving the house, other than for work or to go the the gym. I found myself camping out in starbucks the other day for several hours to get out of the middle of an arguement in the house.

I feel so detached from everything, I supposedly have thriving online friendships which have always kept me afloat, but even those i feel unable to contribute too. I don't want to get too clingy to the friend i do have here, its not fair on her.

I feel like i'm drowning, I drunk until i passed out the other night, which I never do, because I felt I was going to hurt myself and being unconscious was the only way not to do it.

This move was supposed to help me, It was supposed to be a new start, with a new job with great prospects. Instead I just want to run home, run home to a situation which i know is no good for me, and when I realise that I find myself thinking that I am always going to be like this, alone, unhappy, unable to connect with people and I feel like I should just end it all.

The gym is a good start but you need to find some other things to do in the evening which get you out of the house. What do you find interesting? You could volunteer to do some work at a local homeless shelter, hospice or similar or join a local book reading club or a walking club. all these things take some effort at first but remeber that only you can make the changes to get the life you want and lots of other people will have joined said activities for the same reason - to get to know people.

So sorry you're feeling like this, but you've only been there a couple of weeks, so maybe you were expecting a bit too much too soon?

Moving is really stressful of course, but no reason why you should not find a better place to live, given time to know the area and time to meet a few people.

This is about the worst time of year anywhere, but won't be improved by knocking yourself out!

Could you give yourself a treat, like a spa weekend or some similar time, not too far away?

I hope you feel better soon - we don't know what's around the corner and life could get better.

I expected slow, I just didnt expect to feel quite this low, its been a long time since i've felt like this.

If I hadnt moved then things wouldnt be much different, I didnt have friends, or connect with people there either, despite having lived there for 6 years.

I told myself I would take some classes at the sports centre when I moved, but completely wussed out and joined the gym instead, putting my earbuds in and working out is so much simpler. and i feel better afterwards.

Even when I do talk to people I seem to have nothing to say, I cant hold a decent conversation anymore. and feel like all I do is complain, which makes me talk even less and feel even more isolated.

I dont even talk to my online friends anymore, just feel so detached from everything.

Hi, do they have classes at the gym you go to, so you can mix a bit? Moving is a stressful thing to do, and it can take time to get to know new people, settle into a job... and it looks like withdrawing is one of your coping mechanisms.

Have you signed up at a local gp? Perhaps go and have a chat with a dr? It is ok to be in your room on your own, as long as you are happy doing that, but you don't sound as if you are. Work and gym is a great start, I hope you can build in other things that help over time.

feck feck feck. namechanging does not work when you forget and post with the wrong name. Fuck fuckity fuck.

I need now, or several [biscuits]

No, you don't really need any wine - it's a depressant, far better to try and make a plan to do something new next week - hope you think of something to try.

I left the wine well alone.

I have a busy week this week, lots to do though not necessarily anything where I will meet anyone, but at least I'll be busy.

I had a lovely day with my friend today and we are going to a gig in london on friday which should be great. Im trying REALLY hard to be positive.

Im really naff at this name changing business.

I give up, and hope no one notices.

Things have gone so far downhill this week its scary. I've never felt so low, i've self harmed, im having panic attacks which make me vomit, im not sleeping. My brain just doesnt seem to be working, its either going so fast over stuff which im paranoid about or its so slow that i cant even hold a conversation anymore.

I just got back from a docs appointment. The doctor wants to see me every other day until she can get me into the CMHT. I'm scared, I've never felt this bad before. I've completely freaked my friend out, she had to take me to the docs because i was having a panic attack about going. Doctor told me I have to go to a&e if i feel bad again.

Are you by yourself? I don't know what I can do but I am listening. Please keep posting pm me if you want.

I'm alone atm. and will be tomorrow. Doctor made me promise I would go to the gym tomorrow and see her on friday morning.

Told me to call tomorrow if i need to, or call samartitans or go to a & e. She worried me more. she refused to up my a/d dose, which my old doctor offered me two months ago and I refused. I dont see why she couldnt do it for me. I keep throwing up everytime i have a panic attack. im getting so fed up. and one of my cuts is going all yuck.

Maybe you need to ring and go back today. I think you need to see someone today and get your cut looked at.

I wont go back today, i think my cut will be okay. I havnt left my room yet this morning. i want to just curl up and stay here.

What time is your appointment tomorrow? What are you doing while your in your room? Have you anything to read? Have you got a TV?

If you think your cut is infected then you need to do something about it. Getting ill from that isn't going to make anything any better! So either clean it yourself and put some antiseptic on it, or take it to the doc/hospital and get it cleaned and dressed properly.

Mildly radical suggestion - have you ever thought about getting a dog? I mean, I don't like them much myself but - they're very good for:
a) company
b) making you get out the house to take it for a walk
c) making you get up when you otherwise wouldn't to feed it, let it out for a wee, take it for a walk
d) giving you something/one other than yourself to think about
e) good talking point when you meet other dog-walkers/owners on the walks
f) stroking - apparently stroking animals reduces stress and anxiety levels (so long as you aren't allergic and don't mind fur)

If a dog seems like too much hard work, try a rabbit or a guineapig instead. Ok, you don't get the outdoors stuff so much, but you get 3 of the above list.

I hope your doc manages to fix you up with a proper dosage of ADs. Is your job at all social? Are there people there you can socialise with after work? You might need to do a bit of the leg work initially, ask them if they want to go to the pub after work; but make the effort and you will likely get the rewards.

I had a dog at home. Always have had pets but am renting a room in a share house atm, so cant. Housemate has a dog, the thing is spoilt rotten, i stroke it occasionally....

Docs appointment is at 10.30 tomorrow. Cut seems okay this morning, just sore. I used antiseptic on them all.

Im going to go to the gym later this afternoon. doc said I had to. and i promised my friend i would pick her up from the train station after so that should make me leave the house. I hope. If her hubby goes out tonight I can go and spend the evening with her, she will be busy doing stuff but she doesnt want me to be alone. I feel like im putting too much on her. that im being a really shitty friend. I go there, or we go out for lunch and I can't even hold a conversation anymore, its like my brain is going to slow to come up with anything to say. apart from slightly hysterical paranoid ramblings. She lost her only time with her kiddies yesterday because i was panicing too much to go to the doctors alone.

Ifeellike - she sounds like a lovely friend - and she wouldn't have asked you to come over if she didn't want you to. So you are NOT being "a shitty friend". She will only take on what she can handle, rest assured.

If you can't hold up your end of the conversation, that is fine - let her do the talking! Or sit in silent contemplation of something or other. Silence is heavily undervalued in today's society.

i said that i wasnt being fair to her and i was sorry. She said life wasnt fair, that she loved me but that she felt unequipped to deal with this and it was fine but i needed to find someone else to talk to.

I moved 200 miles, and essentially am bugging someone I met online with all my shit. Our friendship has grown massivly since we met, but still i feel shitty for putting it all on her. She was supposed to be busy all week this week, i wasnt supposed to see her until next monday - but shes seen me everyday after I frantically and somewhat incoherently told her i'd had enough on Sunday night and that i'd hurt myself. Ive s/h before and always hid it, no one has ever know. this week i told her and told a doc yesterday, ive never told a doc.

im not sure im making sense here, just rambling and off loading.....

carry on, this is the place to do it - and congratulations on taking the step of telling the doc about your self-harming (and your friend but more importantly the doc). Shows you really want to do something to stop it, I believe.

However - if you want to keep this friend on board for you, you do need to try and give her a little space. She sounds like she has really come through for you this week, fantastic - just let her have a breathing space if you can.
But keep yourself safe as well.

Ifeel, just wanted to give you a huge squeeze x

am talking to her atm, will probs see her tonight if her hubby goes out, and then wont see her again until monday - we have plans for a day out with her kids who i adore. Im going for acting like all is okay, even if it isnt. dont want to overload her. but i need to see her tonight. I need my hug. and then i'll try and give her some peace and quiet with her family.

You did really well telling the doctor about self-harming. Have you been keeping a diary about how your feeling? It's very difficult to mitivate yourself when your depressed but if you can get to the gym then that would be really good. I'm still listening and will keep coming on to check your ok.

Thank you, all of you.

The strange thing is I have no problem getting up and going to work. I am fine at work. its just the rest of the time. And work is really inconsistent at the moment, I am mainly temping, which makes me really panicy and paranoid about what each placement is saying to the agency. I had a booking cancelled this week, and I am SURE its because i did something wrong when i was at another one of their branches earlier in the week, but then that seems silly because they encouraged me to go for the full time job there, said I was a gem, but then maybe they were lying to my face and didnt actually like me.

went to the gym. saw my friend for 5 mins and am back home now. Just leant over the hob and burnt my hair. I am so not with it.

Am panicing over the docs tomorrow. i dont know why. I feel sick and i havnt even eaten anything yet.

Try and eat something, even if it is a piece of toast with a cup of tea.

Is your hair ok?