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Original poster

I dont know what to do next...

77 replies

Ifeellikeimdrowning · 13/02/2011 14:34

I've suffered with depression for years, on and off Fluoxetine, s/h, seen the CMHT on and off etc.

The last year things have gone down hill, I went back in the fluox a few months ago. Made the decision that my living arrangements weren't helping anything and I was becoming a hermit who lived in one room and rarely left it apart from for work. I finished my degree somehow, gave notice at work and started job hunting.

I landed a job 200miles away, and moved a fortnight ago. I have one really close friend here (who I met through MN, have namechanged for this) and see her a fair amount. Work hasnt gone according to plan - this really should be my dream job when it all works out but its taking alot of hiccups and hugely reduced hours to get there.

I'm living in a share house, where I thought the people were really nice to start with, but two weeks in not so much. I am already barely leaving the house, other than for work or to go the the gym. I found myself camping out in starbucks the other day for several hours to get out of the middle of an arguement in the house.

I feel so detached from everything, I supposedly have thriving online friendships which have always kept me afloat, but even those i feel unable to contribute too. I don't want to get too clingy to the friend i do have here, its not fair on her.

I feel like i'm drowning, I drunk until i passed out the other night, which I never do, because I felt I was going to hurt myself and being unconscious was the only way not to do it.

This move was supposed to help me, It was supposed to be a new start, with a new job with great prospects. Instead I just want to run home, run home to a situation which i know is no good for me, and when I realise that I find myself thinking that I am always going to be like this, alone, unhappy, unable to connect with people and I feel like I should just end it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ifeellikeimdrowning · 24/02/2011 20:04

im cooking dinner, i always make myslef cook and try and eat if i can.

Hair now slightly wonky, but nothing major, i just wasnt paying attention and leant over the hob with my hair down. its much longer than it used to be.

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bellavita · 24/02/2011 20:10

Burning your hair on the hob has just brought back a memory for me of my grandma Grin (she died about 20 years ago now) but for as long as I can remember she always lit her cigarettes using the hob - god knows how she managed never to burn herself!

Enjoy your dinner. Maybe you could have a bath and get into bed and read for a while.

brightermornings · 24/02/2011 20:15

Are you having any counselling? I know it's difficult to eat because your stomach is churning. You've got through today and you will get through tomorrow I promise. Have a look on the net for some relaxation techniques ( I only know this because I had my first counselling session last week and the counsellor said trying to stay relaxed is good) I don't know if they will help but it will give you something to do.

Original poster
Ifeellikeimdrowning · 24/02/2011 20:19

I had counselling a few years ago but ended it and was never very honest with the counsellors, Ive hidden stuff for so long its become the norm.

I asked the doctor to refer me to the CMHT to get back into counselling, and she wants to see me almost daily until she can get me in.

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Original poster
Ifeellikeimdrowning · 24/02/2011 22:15

i may have had more wine than i should have tonight.

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thumbwitch · 24/02/2011 22:33

Sometimes, Ifeellike, that's not a bad thing. Grin
Depends on how you're reacting to it - is it increasing your feelings of isolation or are you feeling all mellow and chilled?

Hope you saw your friend and had a nice time with her.

Original poster
Ifeellikeimdrowning · 24/02/2011 22:43

only got to see her for five minutes, just picked her up from the station and dropped her home.

i'm pretty mellow at the moment, but have odd moments of absolute crazy thoughts and paranoia. I suppose the fact i know its paranoia is a good thing. Major panicing about seeing the doctor tomorrow. Im not sure i'll be able to walk in the door alone. my friend took me yesterday...

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thumbwitch · 24/02/2011 22:51

OK, another way out random thought:
Can you just pretend your friend is with you?

What I mean is - what does your friend do for you re. going to the docs - is it physical insistence that you go, i.e. she forces you through the door; or is it to give you confidence that you are not wasting the doc's time and you deserve to be there; or is it just so you have someone to talk to in the waiting room; or what?

In the first couple of instances, you can just imagine that your friend is with you, offering you the support you need to get to the docs. Clearly talking to an imaginary friend in the waiting room isn't going to be ideal Wink, so you'd better just smile around at all the other patients there and make some vague comment about the weather/state of the NHS.

Do you know why you are panicking about seeing the doc?

Original poster
Ifeellikeimdrowning · 24/02/2011 22:56

she had to hold my hand and pull me through the door yesterday, i was having a panic attack.

the doctor was running really late which turned out to be a good thing, because we had a giggle in the waiting room, and i was much calmer and far more articulate by the time i went in.

she is going to call me just before the appt tomorrow to kick me up the arse and make me go in the door.

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Original poster
Ifeellikeimdrowning · 24/02/2011 22:57

i never seem to know why i am panicing. even I can see its totally stupid most of the time, i just cant stop it.

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Original poster
Ifeellikeimdrowning · 24/02/2011 22:59

damn, i just posted on another thread without name changing again. im such an idiot sometimes.

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Original poster
Ifeellikeimdrowning · 24/02/2011 23:02

i'd get the post deleted, but the name is still there so it doesnt make any fucking difference. Damn it.

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thumbwitch · 24/02/2011 23:19

if you get the post deleted, at least the content won't give you away so it won't matter that the name stands.

Re. the panicking - have you ever tried Rescue Remedy? I know it's low grade in comparison to medication but it can help with panic attacks - I used to get hideously nervous before e.g. interviews and it made a big difference to me. Might be worth a go, even if it just gets you in the door.

Do you think you can pretend she is there, sitting on your shoulder like your Good Conscience, or something? If you can con your brain into thinking that you are not alone, it might slow the panic attack down sufficiently to get you in there.

Original poster
Ifeellikeimdrowning · 24/02/2011 23:30

ive used rescue remedy alot before, i'll give it a go though ive never had much success.

if i can just get through the door, i hope i will be okay.

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thumbwitch · 24/02/2011 23:38

I don't know much about panic attacks so I'm possibly being a bit fick or insensitive here - but if you could identify what is making you panic, would it help to overcome it? Did you have a horrible experience at a GP's once?

Original poster
Ifeellikeimdrowning · 24/02/2011 23:47

i panic over the most stupid things. it drives me crazy because i know most are stupid and cant stop it. i dont know why im panicking about the docs at all. i just know im scared. bloody petrified in fact.

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thumbwitch · 24/02/2011 23:52

Can you phone the doc in the morning to tell her this? she might be able to reassure you that you will be fine, that only good things will happen, and help you around it. If it weren't Friday tomorrow, I'd say give it a miss if you feel so strongly about it - but it IS Friday so you do need to bite the bullet and go in. Perhaps if you wear headphones playing your favourite music to block out the brain chuntering to itself it might help. If you've got ACDC (or whoever) pounding in your ears, your brain can't possibly concentrate on panicking for whatever reason.
Anyway - putting it off for a day only makes it worse, IME.

smellsofsick · 25/02/2011 00:01

ifeellike really sorry you're feeling so bad but you're doing the right thing talking to your friend and the doctor. If you'd rather not say then please don't but can you tell us what part of the country you're in now?

Original poster
Ifeellikeimdrowning · 25/02/2011 09:52

My apptment is in half an hour. I'm still under my duvet. My legs are like concrete, they don't want to move.

I'm in surrey smellsof.

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brightermornings · 25/02/2011 11:28

Have you been to the doctors?

bizzieb33 · 25/02/2011 11:38

Thinking of you xx

Could you volunteer to help out at a rescue centre in your free time if spending time with dogs helps?

It might help you meet new friends as well.

Original poster
Ifeellikeimdrowning · 25/02/2011 11:55

I went, she is refering me to a new service they have here but is a long waiting list. Wants me to do cbt online and read a couple of books until then, and will refer me to cmht once she has all my old notes.

I have an appointment to see her again in two weeks. I feel worse than before i went. i sat in my car and cried outside my house for ages, and i dont know why. I want to go back to bed now, but she said im not allowed to go into my room until bedtime tonight if humanly possible.

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thumbwitch · 25/02/2011 12:00

ifeellike, well done on getting yourself there, through the door and into the appointment! Did you have a panic attack about it or were you able to control it? Either way, bloody well done to you.

Do you know why you feel worse? Is it because nothing has happened immediately for you, and you were hoping for something more immediate? Or some other reason?

Original poster
Ifeellikeimdrowning · 25/02/2011 12:14

i panicked alot in the waiting room until a couple of old men were talking very loudly about 'a hefty dose of the clap' then the giggles took over a little bit!

doctor would only give me two weeks of pills because she thinks im going to take the lot. which im not. i dont think.

she kept asking me questions i couldnt answer. and nothing is happening.

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thumbwitch · 25/02/2011 12:23

I'm glad you had a distraction in the waiting room!Grin

Up to you whether you want to say on here, or if you want any input in a more private way you can PM me if you like, but what sort of questions was the GP asking that you couldn't answer?
And was it because you couldn't think straight or quickly enough, or because you didn't really understand what she was asking, or because you just didn't know the answer?

Still - two weeks' worth of pills might help to sort you out for now - get you through the next couple of weeks (and you have to see her again anyway when it's up so she'll probably re-prescribe then)

Not entirely useless as an appointment outcome then.