I dont know what to do next...

[Ifeellikeimdrowning]

I've suffered with depression for years, on and off Fluoxetine, s/h, seen the CMHT on and off etc.

The last year things have gone down hill, I went back in the fluox a few months ago. Made the decision that my living arrangements weren't helping anything and I was becoming a hermit who lived in one room and rarely left it apart from for work. I finished my degree somehow, gave notice at work and started job hunting.

I landed a job 200miles away, and moved a fortnight ago. I have one really close friend here (who I met through MN, have namechanged for this) and see her a fair amount. Work hasnt gone according to plan - this really should be my dream job when it all works out but its taking alot of hiccups and hugely reduced hours to get there.

I'm living in a share house, where I thought the people were really nice to start with, but two weeks in not so much. I am already barely leaving the house, other than for work or to go the the gym. I found myself camping out in starbucks the other day for several hours to get out of the middle of an arguement in the house.

I feel so detached from everything, I supposedly have thriving online friendships which have always kept me afloat, but even those i feel unable to contribute too. I don't want to get too clingy to the friend i do have here, its not fair on her.

I feel like i'm drowning, I drunk until i passed out the other night, which I never do, because I felt I was going to hurt myself and being unconscious was the only way not to do it.

This move was supposed to help me, It was supposed to be a new start, with a new job with great prospects. Instead I just want to run home, run home to a situation which i know is no good for me, and when I realise that I find myself thinking that I am always going to be like this, alone, unhappy, unable to connect with people and I feel like I should just end it all.

You went so at least you managed to get out the house. What else have you got planned for today? How is your cut?

nothing else to do today.

I think cut is okay,but i didnt show doc. i dont know why, i meant to.

she was asking me what i thought i needed, why i thought i needed a referal to the CMHT, why the cmht, what did i think i would get out of it. what happened last time. I cant remember what else. but she seemed angry when i said i didnt know, or couldnt remember.

Why don't you write things down as your thinking them. You could take it to your next appointment. I know I'm very forgetful and if I've wrote it down it helps.

goodness - if you knew the answers to all of those questions, you probably wouldn't have needed the referral in the first place!

re. the cut - how does it look? any yellow bits? is the skin red and angry around the actual cut? Any heat in it? is the skin sore to touch away from the cut? Most importantly, are there any red or white lines going up your arm (presumably, or leg) towards your body?

no red or white line. it is a bit warm and red and angry, but not yellow. looks clean enough. i think its okay.

bit more antiseptic cream on it then, just to be on the safe side. And if you start to feel at all faint, woozy or sick, go to the doc/A&E.

How are you doing now - have you found something to do (apart from MN of course ) to keep you occupied and out of your bedroom? How about going for a drive around the countryside - you said Surrey, lots of interesting places to go. Box Hill is good...

i may bake muffins in a minute. Or maybe even some bread...... baking calms me down alot.

I should maybe try going to the gym again later.

good idea re the baking. Do the muffins AND the bread - bread first of course. :)

muffins are in the oven. dont have the stuff for bread, I could go out and get it but dont want to right now.

I just went to the shop across the road for potatoes because i,m craving mash potato.

I then spent nearly 20mins trying to get in my front door. in tears trying to get in. I was using the wrong key, oddly enough my friends front door key doesnt work on MY front door. the keys are completely different colours. i would like a new brain now please. one that works if possible.

Hi again. I know it feels like you're not, but posting on here, going to the docs, gym and baking are positive, good ways to use your time. I wish I was nearer to come and say hi but you've got lots of support here so keep making those positive decisions and actions, even if they follow a really bad patch and keep posting for support. Everyone here is right behind you.

im crying again.

i dont know why.

You are doing so well, I feel for you because it's so hard to get away from the cloud over your head. But smellsofsick is right - you are making GOOD decisions and making positive choices. I do think that you should maybe try again to get the a/ds increased, it might helpxxx

i just feel so lost. and the more i think about things the worse i feel, and then i just dont want to be here anymore, and i end up feeling so destructive about everything and cant make my brain make sense of it all.

Thinking can be very dangerous - I know I tie myself in knots when I have too much down time to think. You are just going through a VERY low patch. This too will pass. I do think that you should push for more a/ds though as by now you should be feeling better. If you feel really low please go to A+E and tell them because they can help you. You are not alone xxxx

ive dialed the number for samaritans 4 times tonight but cant hit send.

i cant seem to have any coherent thoughts tonight.

I can really relate to the key thing, being a bit dyspraxic I'm prone to that kind of thing, but when I am depressed it is much much worse. I try to say to myself, it's ok it's just a symptom and does not mean I am useless.

Today is a bad day to be me. I should have stayed in bed.

So far this morning I have spilt coffee all over my car, left my keys in the front door when iu went to the shop, forgotten my phone, turned around half way to course to go back and get it, good thing I did as I left the fridge open and the tap running. Forgot to take me tablets and had to turn around again.

That does sound like a series of unfortunate events, Ifeellike. Hope you have a better afternoon!

why arent i feeling any better? I hate this, i think im even feeling worse. i dont want to keep going anymore.

have you eaten properly today? I know it;s one of those crappy "mum/dad" questions but it really does make a difference.

Sat eves are, IME, harder than any other time in the week because I used to imagiine thay every other person was out having a great time and no one bothered to invite me.
:(

Hope you're being kind to yourself and gave actually phoned the Samaritans if you needed to

today has been an eat alot day. I go through days where i either comfort eat alot or want nothing at all.

feel sick now. and fat and stupid for eating so much.

sorry, that was me, forgot to namechange again.

really forgetful today.

What else did you do today, Ifeellike? Did anything you did give you a bit of light relief?
I am sorry, I really don't know what to say to help you out here but I would like to give you a big (((hug))), even if it's only a virtual one.

I know the feelings of self-loathing that I get when I eat too much - but they fade off - hope yours do too. I'm guessing that tomorrow is likely to be an "eat as little as possible" day, is it?

i was actually out all day doing a course for work. was very boring but im certified now which is good.

I did graze on sweets, crisps and biscuits throughout the entire thing.

I'll try and go to the gym tomorrow if i can. It really varies, no real pattern, i've been sick alot this week so hugely off my food. then binged a bit yesterday and today. its odd, because sometimes NOT eating make me feel better, and other times eating alot does. Im just a very confusing person i think.

I got signed up for the online cbt tonight so i'll try and spend some time doing that tomorrow.