It's my fault that the NHS is too expensive

[snowmash]

and I can't do anything about it :(

[madmouse]

Snowmash what's going on? Did someone say something stupid??

[snowmash]

No, I've stayed by myself since I started to realise. My treatment could pay for 100s and 1000s of hip replacements. I am doing the same to the council as well. I should be stopped, the lady today was very wrong about benefits - I haev had too many already, and that is closing the libraries.

[madmouse]

Snowmash and my PTSD treatment could have paid for a few heart surgeries..

It doesn't work like that - you are not well and you need treatment.

In fact judging by this post you need it more than ever xx

[snowmash]

But I'm not unwell, I'm thinking really clearly now. So much money over 17 years.

You needed your treatment, it made you better. A lot of mine makes me stay the same and costs too much so it hurts other people and means that Cameron is tearing the NHS apart.

[shodatin]

Well, why not see what the GP says? I think you'll find you're just getting what you need.

[snowmash]

Thank you shodatin, but it doesn't make sense to go and see the GP because I'm thinking straight and that would cost more money when it wasn't needed.

[madmouse]

Snowmash during my dh's episodes of bad depression if he said he was thinking really clearly now it was a bad sign, batten down the hatches and prepare for bad stuff.

I don't think you're seeing clearly at all.

[oldme]

madmouse is right.

I used to think I was thinking straight when I was depressed, and due to that I made alot of stupid decisions, some that I can't ever take back.

Listen to madmouse she is so right.

[shodatin]

Has anyone agreed with you snowmash? I'm asking because sometimes people can get this idea when they're actually depressed, in which case having treatment is the right thing to do.

[shodatin]

Have to go now, but will " look in" tomorrow. Hope you sleep well.

[thisisyesterday]

when i was very depressed i also used to think clearly

i could see, very obviously, that I actually needed to die.

turns out, i waasn't actually thinking very clearly at all.
a psychiatrist once said to me that sometimes I needed to accept that I wasn't able to judge my own situation when I was like that and I needed to listen to other people. he was right, but i couldn't see it

nothing anyone on here says can make you change how you feel. but if we're talking wasting NHS money then quite frankly I'd rather have it spent on you than a lot of other stuff the NHS wastes money on

[snowmash]

I'm sorry to hear that, madmouse :( I hope things are better for you both now.

It feels so right because I know I can stop the epilepsy meds and the anti-depressants and the diazepam now, no more costing money.

[snowmash]

Nobody's agreed, but I can't go and see the GP tomorrow because it costs money.

I don't know - maybe she'd say I was right, and that would help. I could go and say goodbye because I don't need her anymore.

[thisisyesterday]

well ok. and when you come off all your meds and end up in a great big mess it's gonna cost them even more to put you right again

so how about you just carry on taking them huh?

[snowmash]

It's ok thisisyesterday - I'm supposed to see my GP today, so if I'm awake I will explain why she wont see me anymore so she doesn't worry, because it all makes sense. People here make sense as far as that goes.

[oldme]

it may feel right for you now but imagine the implications of your actions.
Have been in a similar situation and thought I was so right, and blocked everyone else's views, as i was adament I was doing the right thing- but was not at all,and now am paying for my mistakes. listen to the people on here.

[ThisIsANiceCage]

I used to feel like this all the time - still often do. So I try to contemplate whatever person I despise most, the biggest, greediest oxygen-thief on the planet. And I ask myself, Does that person feel guilty about the resources they use, the air they breathe?

Do they heck as bloody like!

And if the planet and the economy and the NHS has room for them, there's damn well space for me too. In fact, since I'm not harming anyone, I'm a sodding asset in comparison.

[snowmash]

oldme - I'll explain to my GP and it will all be ok because she'll agree with me - then I wont feel guilty about just stopping seeing her/her wondering why I hadn't come to see her today. Explaining here has helped me see that it would be unfair not to, because I can see some people don't agree with me.

I'm going to try and sleep now so I can try to be awake for her appointment.

Thank you for all your help, everyone.

[ThisIsANiceCage]

Morning snowmash, was just passing and thought you might fancy a cup of tea and a [bbiscuit] wearing a Tam O'Shanter...

[snowmash]

Thank you, that's very kind - just trying to work out what to say to her.

[NanaNina]

Say the same as you are saying on these posts snowmash - your thinking is distorted because you are ill and your GP will tell you this or something similar. I know you are convinced you are right but this is a very deceiteful illness and plays tricks on you.

Hope you are reassured after seeing GP

It may help you to know that drugs for mental illness are relatively cheap.

[ThisIsANiceCage]

Say to her what you said to us.

She's going to have plenty of perspective on what the NHS spends its money on, and the relative costs of different treatments and their economic payback.

But do you really believe that money is the only way to value anything? Over and above human relationships, the roles we fulfil for other people, the contributions we make to the world around us?

Really? You could put a price on your children? On them having a mother who's functioning the best she possibly can?

I think that you're using a simplified model, like one of those physics questions that begins, "Assuming no air-resistance or friction..." You do the sums and pass the exam; but if you used the calculation in the real world, the aeroplane would fall from the sky. Because in real life there is air-resistance. There's something missing from your calculations - you've left stuff out because it's hard to quantify, not because it's not important.

And talking of very important things, I have just discovered my tea mug is empty....

[oldme]

Hello Snowmash How did your appointment go? keep us posted

[shodatin]

Hello from me too - just wondering how you are and what the GP said

[snowmash]

I don't have children, ThisIsANiceCage. I have done 15 yrs of youth work, have gorgeous little DN, and was hoping to adopt before the flashbacks came back. It wouldn't ever be fair now, and I'll never be approved now either (genetics make it not fair on the kids for me to have kids).

I almost told her about the libraries, but I kept shutting up because I am very scared I will get hit round the head if I start crying with noise (I used to cry a lot when I saw her before).

She said about staying on the tricyclics, but I feel ill (bad head, bad tummy, sleepy all the time, slow), I think it would be better to throw them all - feel complete failure as I start to take drugs to stop the effects of drugs again. Can't sleep for long because I roll onto my tummy and the pain wakes me up, having to make myself eat and drink. Only reason is so I can be honest when people ask if I am.

I think she said the drugs are why my liver is bad (good reason to stop them), but my blood is bad too and we don't know why. In bits because I had an oral surgery appointment this afternoon (I don't want to wake up for days with my mouth/jaw/throat hurting, don't want the surgery but everyone says I have to, including GP). And have to be in hospital next week - wish I could have cried when GP pointed out having my monthly in hospital would be difficult - so will being shut in a room.

Oral surgeon made it worse, said they normally saw those bloods in people with really bad lung disease - I don't have anything wrong with my lungs, don't drink, don't smoke, don't know why my bloods are screwed.

I guess I could give my drugs back to a different chemist - 12 years is too long to take diazepam for.

I let everyone down, she wouldn't have hit me. :(