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Mental health

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Original poster

DS conceived by rape. not coping. help!

99 replies

babynoah · 12/12/2010 22:27

I was raped last year, my DS is now 7.5 MO. I have PND and i've been trying to work through it with my CPN, but i'm really not coping. I care about DS but i don't love him, I can't. All i can think about is how he came to be here. How much i didn't want this. how i hate myself for what happened. how that man has destroyed me.

I have a beautiful little boy but i can't enjoy him.

Please does anyone have any ideas.

OP posts:

MrsRhettButler · 12/12/2010 23:50

i wish i had some advice for you regeneration (great name btw) all i can say is ignore the negative posts and concentrate on the helpful, there are some wonderful people on here :)

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 12/12/2010 23:52

You're very understanding, regeneration. :)

You can use that to help yourself, too.

thisisyesterday · 12/12/2010 23:52

you'd be ok if you just get MN to delete the post with your real name in it i think, that way there is no link from here to FB any more

EvaLongoria · 12/12/2010 23:52

Starlight just leave the OP if you have nothing constructive to say.

OP I wish you the very best but do know there are people out there willing to listen and help.

methodsandmaterials · 12/12/2010 23:54

Agree with thisisyesterday. You need unconditional, real-life support and your mother is well placed to give you this. If your only reason for not confiding in your mother is the fear of being a burden to her, please reconsider.

regeneration · 12/12/2010 23:54

I will seriously think about talking to my mum. thanks. i better get some sleep. LO will be up in 3-4hrs. I would appreciate someone to talk to. if no one wants to do it by posts then PM would be great.
thanks for letting me gets things out there. i will call me CPN tomorrow.

WintervalPansy · 12/12/2010 23:55

Yes, do what thisisyesterday suggests. In the meantime, change your FB settings so that only friends, or at most friends of friends, can search for you. You can do this right now without waiting for MNHQ to act.

Privacy settings > connecting on FB > Search for you on FB

thisisyesterday · 12/12/2010 23:55

am off to bed myself now, but will check back here, or PM you tomorrow sometime ok?

regeneration · 13/12/2010 00:01

thanks thisisyeaterday would appreciate it

I have changed my settings and have asked MNHQ to remove the post
ta x

grumpybrusselsprout · 13/12/2010 00:03

Good luck regeneration, and get MNHQ to delete those posts with your name on as they really compromise your confidentiality.
Maybe ask your cpn for some support with talking to your mum?
Very brave of you to come on here, take care of yourself and your little boy

WintervalPansy · 13/12/2010 00:22

Good luck to you and your DS, regeneration. Great name. Your experience has been really awful. Just by posting these hard questions you are showing what a good mum you are.

regeneration · 13/12/2010 10:02

I talked to my mum last night. she was really great, I didn't want to be qustioned about it and she understood that.
I do feel better for telling her, but i'm a bit worried about what she will do with that information.

thanks MNetters.

WintervalPansy · 13/12/2010 10:35

Well done regeneration . What are you afraid she'll do with the information?

Mumi · 13/12/2010 11:02

Hi regeneration :) So sorry to hear about this but at the same time must say you are incredibly brave.

From your posts I assume you have not told the police - is that correct? There will be no pressure from me to do so but I just wanted you to know that if you do decide to do that in the future, whenever that may be, you would be taken seriously, and treated well. Look here for more information.

I know this from recent personal experience after over a decade and although hate the word closure too (it doesn't feel like something that could even touch the sides of what I've felt over the years) it was the best therapy I have ever had. Maybe "drawing a line underneath it" is a better expression: I can still see it in the past, but it's not part of my future.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that's it's never too late, but whatever you decide, we will be here to support you.

thisisyesterday · 13/12/2010 11:04

Hi regeneration

I'm glad you talked to your mum, I hope you feel a lot better having shared this with someone close to you

Hopefully she will talk to you before doing anything with the information

MerrilyDefective · 13/12/2010 22:01

Hi,read this last night and didn't know what to say.
Just that i hope you and your baby are ok.
I was were you are once.

regeneration · 14/12/2010 11:01

MerilyDefective how did you cope?
we're ok thanks. my mum is so upset, i'm worried that she'll tell the hotel where i used to work, or try and make me go to the police

thisisyesterday · 14/12/2010 11:04

regeneration, why didn't you tell her when the rape happened? did you tell anyone at all?

just wondering, because if you did i am guessing that woud help if you did want to go to the police at some point?

ladypop · 14/12/2010 13:25

I have no experience of this awful thing that happened to you but firstly, there are so many poeple out there that can, and want to help and support you.

The shame that you sound like you are feeling is something that you shouldn't burden yourself with - you have done nothing wrong!

I know there will be a way to feel better about yourself and your baby in time - just hang in there but please keep asking for help, I just know it is the way forward.

MerrilyDefective · 15/12/2010 16:23

Sorry i didn't get back to you.
It's not quite the same story,but i also got pregnant by rape.
I knew when i found out i was pregnant that i didn't want a baby
My baby was adopted and i didn't tell anyone who the father was,including my Mum who asked for a while and made wild guesses and then gave up.
He was adopted at birth.
I was young,18 and it was 31 years ago.
I got a job and this sounds really hard of me but i suppose i just put it behind me.
I think i always thought i was at least partly to blame for being drunk and not saying no enough.
He wasn't drunk.
I knew when i found out i was pregnant that i didn't want a baby and was too scared to get an abortion.
I didn't tell the father which was easy as i was away from home at college and he would have wanted to keep it.
Even if i had wanted a baby i would have
found it too hard to keep this one.

Sorry to bleat on.
You were very brave to keep your little boy and you know it's not his fault he's here.
From the way you write i'm sure you do love him really but separating him from his 'father' must be incredibly hard.
Do you talk about it with your CPN?
You need to talk to someone objective.
I have no idea who to direct you to but the GP surgery could help.

Your Mum is understandably upset.She now knows how you,her daughter,has been hurt and she couldn't stop it happening.
I now have a grown up daughter and this would break my heart if it happened to her.

Do go and find some support.
Good luck.

KittyTwoShoes · 15/12/2010 16:50

Merrily, that is so sad, I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm glad you've managed to move forward.

Regeneration, I agree with the others who've said contact rape crisis. I'm glad you've told your mum, too. Pandora's Aquarium is a great site too and might help you. Good luck.

ovumahead · 16/12/2010 12:40

Hi OP. Well done for telling your mum. That is surely the first step towards feeling less isolated with your feelings. I'm guessing that perhaps by not telling anyone, it seemed you could control this difficult situation - that if you told, what happened would be out of your hands? Poor you. That is a lot of burden to carry. I hope that you can continue to share your feelings now, and not feel bad about it. Something really terrible happened to you, you have a baby that you have mixed feelings about, and that is understandable. I am certain you will be able to work through your mixed feelings about your DS, but you will need the support of friends, family and professionals. I always recommend people to have psychotherapy if possible, but this is simply because I have found it the one most useful thing in helping me to come to terms with difficult things in my life. If you can find a therapist, please go and talk to them. Your GP might be able to offer a few counselling sessions, or will be able to refer you to someone for longer term counselling. If you can afford it, please pay to see a psychotherapist - but it is confusing trying to find one, so if you want help with this, please let me know.

You are a very brave woman.

regeneration · 16/12/2010 16:37

I have asked my CPN to be refered to a specialist.
i didn't tell anyone at the time, and have kept it to myself ever since

I will keep you all up to date.

Thank you all soo much for your help, support and advice xx

ovumahead · 16/12/2010 16:41

I hope you get to talk through your motivations for keeping such a big thing to yourself for so long. It must have been a very difficult thing to do, but hopefully but talking through not just the rape and your feelings about your son, but also how you've coped with it all, you will learn a lot about yourself and I don't doubt that this will help you grow as a person.

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