Thread here
I don't want to reiterate it all, but the basic outcome is that I don't think I can take much more.
I'm exhausted, physically and mentally. I'm having to struggle with my depression, with DH's depression, with MIL's lunacy, with the landlord's idiocy.. I need a break. But I know there's no chance.
Half of me wishes DH had been hospitalised when the paramedics were called because then I'd have got a break. Except I know the really, I wouldn't. He'd have needed me to visit and all the rest.
I've been married 2 months, we haven't had a honeymoon period. As soon as the wedding was over we had to start dealing with all this shit.
How do you cope with someone with an anxiety disorder and depression when they are in a state of constant anxiety and constantly suicidal? I'm not strong enough.
I just want to be left alone, I want to spend a week in a dark room all alone. I can't. I have to do so much, and he's in no fit state to do anything. I have to call everyone, and drive everywhere, and pack and juggle his moods and mine.
If I start crying I don't think I can stop.
I want to self harm, I want to cut every available bit of skin. And I know it'd help, it'd calm me. It'd stop this huge tide of despair. But I can't. Because then everyone would freak out. Because it is bad, it is wrong - no matter how much it helps. It won't kill me, and the pain is minimal - it hurts less than the thoughts in my head. I need it to gain some control, to stop everything spiralling past me. I just want to be left alone to cope with things in my own way. I don't want to phone anyone, talking doesn't help me, I despise phones. I don't want to watch films, they don't distract me, my mind wanders. I want to be alone.
And I can't.
I have to be there for DH.
I have to be where my parents can see me so they don't worry.
I have to be there to deal with this whole hellish situation.
I can't take it.