can't cope

[smudgedred]

Really struggling again, all i want to do is walk out and not come back but then who would care for ds1 and 2? I love them to bits but can't handle it when ds2 is crying and ds1 wants me to play all the time. need a break but never seem to get it, and when i do i dont want the kide or dh to come back. i feel really guilty for even thinking that coz i love them all so much. got so much going on in my head i feel like im ready to explode. HV and my psych not in till tomorrow so feels like i got no one i can turn to. dh is disabled so it means i have to run around after him a lot (he helps when he can) as well as the kids. feels like i just wanna scream, cry, cut and take an overdose just so i can numb things out for a while. dont know what to do anymore. im on antidepressants but they dont seem to be helping much.

Oh love .

How long have you been on medication? Can you pay for some help in the home either with your husband or the children? How old are your children?

my boys are 2 years and nearly 4 months. getting something called homestsrt in a few weeks, but they need to get a volunteer 1st but they will come in and play with the kids, or take them out or take me out and stuff but not sure how long that will be. been on meds for just over a month

Really sorry you're feeling like this. Please, keep talking...

i had home start and the lady i got was fab. it got me thru so much to the point when she finished she is now my dd godmother. they are excellent and well worth it. they stoppd in our area now but hang on there. even if you just wnat to take a bath and take five mins out or sit with them and moan they are there for you. good luck hang on there( sure your fed up with hearing those wrds cus i sure am') but give them ago. and the medication could take n6-8 weeks to kick in. so i know ots a horrible time for you been there many times sending you a huge hug please contact me if you want a chat

yeah they sounded good when the lady came and told us about them. im feeling like im at boiling point. ciggies not helping me today...its not what i need but if i si (which i desperatly need to do) im worried i'll lose my kids. dh is no help today. he's still in bed and im trying to feed ds1 cereal while trying to calm ds2 down. feels impossible today. all i want to do is go and have a shower and some sleep but i cant. even when dh finally decides to get out of bed i cant leave ds1 and 2 long enough to have a shower. i usually have one before they wake up but didnt today, went and had a ciggie instead so it my own fault. why cant i just be happy with what i have now instead of dwelling on the past? hate myself so much for not being able to love my boys as much as they deserve

well dh has finally got up at 10.30, but has disapperred of to the bedroom to play one of his computer games. thanks for the help dh. thinikng of going for a walk in a minute, try and clear my head a bit but not sure if i trust myself too much at the mo. and i'll have to take the boys with me so even then i wont get a break. besides, its raining so i cant even let ds1 run in the park coz its al grass. feeling so hopeless and angry at the moment

You really need to talk to your husband about how you are feeling and he is just as much their parent so needs to man up and get his arse out of bed.

Let ds1 run about, you can wash his clothes easily. :)

Whereabouts are you, I would come and help if you are near me. :).

I told dh im struggling but he don't seem to give a damn today. apparently he not feeling well (more like cant be bothered). got cartoons on for ds1 at the moment so that keeping him quiet and ds2 is trying to watch them now. ds2 keeps rubbing his eyes he is that tired but keeps crying coz he doesnt wasntt to got to sleep yet. im in exeter. need to go out later and get more ciggies so that will keep me busy for a while. its lucky that all the pills are locked away from me i guess. how i wish they werent. just need something to block out this stuff

smudgedred - Homestart are so good, they will make a real difference to you.

Having two dss under two is incredibly draining, and with looking after your dh a lot too, it is no wonder you are exhausted. It will get easier, but in the meantime, you need to get through today, don't you?

Have you got wellies for ds1? Agree with Sorrento, a run in the park is always good, and gets you out of the house too.

Though it sounds like ds2 will sleep soon. Can you curl up on the sofa with ds1 and read a book, or, since you haven't had your shower, have a bath/shower together with ds1 whilst ds2 sleeps?

Keep on posting and keep on looking after yourself too.

Thinking of you

I am sorry but am not near you. Maybe post on local mumsnet to ask for company.

As regards to your husband, you have 2 children and don't need another one and he needs to get his act together.

dh is finally helping out with ds1 and have finally got ds2 to sleep after he put up a big fight. im going to take the kids down the park later i think, ds1 will love it and its only a couple of mins from the shop so not really out the way. am going to ring mum in a minute, hopefully she'll be home now. at least tomorrow hv and psyke are back tomorrow so i will be able to maon at them.

Well done Smudgedred. The day can loom very long in the mornings, can't it, but you are half way though today. Hang on in there. (MN kept me going through those early years when there isn't always someone in rl to listen/moan to.) Keep on posting when you need to. You are at the hardest stage now with you little ones so small, but things do and will get easier.

i know, i had postnatal problems with ds1 but not as bad. only 7 long hours till both boys are asleep.

Try and talk to your husband. I want you to be able to enjoy your children.

have been trying to talk to him, but he can be difficult to talk to and ive told him stuff before but he has gone and told family and friends even when i told him not to. ds2 is asleep now as well. know im going to regret letting him sleep now, but at the moment i just need time alone.

both boys are awake again, both woke up crying. ds1 wouldnt stop crying so have given them both a bath. at least it distracted ds1 so he stopped crying. keep looking at the knives in the kitchen thinking do i or dont i? really wish it was night so i could then the kids wouldnt see me. cant risk ds1 walking in on me incase he copies.

If you hurt yourself with a knife your children will be devastated. Please don't hurt yourself. You really need to talk to someone now.

Oh Smudge . Agree with Sorrento. Keep thinking about your boys, and rather than hurt yourself, do call the Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90. It will get you through the next hour.

Have you been out to the shops/park yet? If you can fit it in before teatime, some fresh air will help your ds1 to sleep better tonight, and you may even bump into a friendly face.

These people are good too link to postnatal depression forum. You will meet people here who feel as you do and know exactly where you are coming from.

Thinking of you.

Children who get fresh air in the afternoon tend to sleep better at night. I tried it with my youngest, going out in the afternoon and then one day I stayed in. That night he woke up in the night.

yes ive been out but it didnt help. nothing seems to when i feel this bad. cant call the samaritans coz dh will listen in and if i go out again he will get pissy, but i have e-mailed them. at least dh is helping now but i just keep going over in my head things that hurt to think about but i cant stop thinking about them. why am i such a bad mum? my kids are happy, why arent i?

You are not a bad mum. You are an ill mum who needs medication and support. Try and understand that. Tell your husband you are ill and he needs to support you.

Smudgered well done for getting out and for emailing the Samaritans too.

I haven't 'met' you before but it may well be that you aren't happy because of your relationship with your dh which seems strained at the very least. Having small children/babies puts a real strain on marriages, and if there isn't a lot of give and take it can be incredibly difficult.

However you are also depressed, you said, which is an illness, a chemical imbalance which means that even if your dh were perfect, you would still not feel happy. Only medication and other practical steps will help. (I do know. I had horrific PND with both of my boys, and battled on for months/years)

Ask your hv/gp tomorrow to review your meds. They can take longer to kick in, but I believe that you should be seeing some difference. Maybe they can change the dosage?

Something I also found really helpful was to have a timetable of possible activities to get me and the boys through each day too. They weren't big things - we couldn't always manage a lot - but having a list of things to do each day (I kept it on the computer, on a spreadsheet) and then ticking them off, helped me through long hours: eg:

Get up
Breakfast
Get dressed
Wash up
Water play for kids (ie a bowl of water and some toys, on the bathroom floor)
Telly time
Walk to park/shop
Lunch
Wash up/Lego tower building
Tidy up lego
TV time?
Mid afternoon sleep
More Telly time
Supper
Bath
Stories
Bed

There can be other things to add, as the kids get older/have different favourite games. I found it helped a lot, having the toys out of the way, then going to get something out - plastic animals/paint/ cars/play dough etc - for half an hour, then putting them away again, rather than letting the kids wander amongst all of the toys and not choose anything.

The other thing that kept me sane was MN! Do keep on posting!

Sorry - bit of a long post there!

HTH a bit