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Mental health

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anyone here?

139 replies

Alambil · 21/07/2010 00:34

?

OP posts:
Tortington · 21/07/2010 23:59

hiya lewis, how did it go? apart from the mum doing your head in that is. do you feel a sense of accomplishment. can you see the wood for the trees?

Alambil · 22/07/2010 00:07

no, not really - that's what's doing my head in with her though cos she's expecting me to be happy and sorted and "better" and I'm not

she asks "how do you feel now" etc and there is no change

I'm ashamed - utterly ashamed that it happened, that they saw, that the neighbours saw them change my locks - I'm humiliated and I can't get passed it

OP posts:
Tortington · 22/07/2010 00:32

well get your home to a nice standard and then you have options available to you - like a mutual exchange.

you can't keep mentally adding to your troubles by letting people THAT DON'T MATTER bother you. i know they do, i know your feelings are real. i know it's easier said than done.

when i was at rock bottom (i.e. rocking and crying on the kitchen floor in front of the washing machine) i came to the realisation, that the only person who could make things better - was me. the way i thought about things, what i LET matter to me. I got to a point where i couldn't mentally take any more and i knew i had to change my brain.

now i can't explain it any further than that - i can't articulate what i mean better than that - but i got to a point where i had to change my brain.

of course you need help with your past issues and i know you are going to seek that help. you are seeking help with your house.

you ARE helping to make yourself better. so don't weigh yourself down again with the thoughts about your neighbours. change your brain!

Alambil · 22/07/2010 00:38

as usual you speak sense...

I don't know whether to go to the gp or the MH team direct or what... am terrified that they'll tell SS...

I don't even know what to say - inside, I'm sitting at the washing machine, rocking and I have no words to describe how i feel or what i need to help me

I think its more than happy pills, its more than talking... but I don't know what

OP posts:
gigglewitch · 22/07/2010 01:27

It's their job - health professionals I mean - to figure out quite what might help you. You don't have to try to figure out the answer, that's what they are paid to know about. So another worry can go away. Why not get to your GP and see if they can put your mind at rest re SS?

Tortington · 22/07/2010 06:49

morning lewis, hope you get lots done today. tackle your phone fear today. instead of it hanging round your neck as another worry, always there, niggling at you, worrying you - get it over with. phne the docs make an appointment.

toccatanfudge · 22/07/2010 08:57

Lewis - you know how bad I was - I was a right bloody mess (on more than one occasions - but 2yrs was the worst). You know what I did with the boys asleep in their beds upstairs.

SS didn't even get involved then.

Hope you manage to call the Drs and get some more of your house sorted today

onlyjoking9329 · 22/07/2010 09:31

Lewis so sorry to see how difficult things are for you, i can understand your worries about SS, i used to have the same worries, i used to spend my days crying in bed and had no energy to do housework or anything much at all, after MIL made allegationsthat i w abusing the kids i was petrified that the ids would be taken away from me and she would get them, of course that didnt happen, what did happen was that i got some help with the kids which really helped.
you will get throu this i promise.

Alambil · 22/07/2010 15:42

thanks all... again

the kitchen is entirely done now - cleaned doors and everything so "just" the front room to do before monday, which mum thinks we'll do most of tomorrow.... it is more a case of organising and hoovering / removing a small amount of rubbish, rather than the disgusting stuff in the kitchen

OP posts:
Tortington · 22/07/2010 17:39

how are you feeling today?

Alambil · 22/07/2010 17:42

empty... I really REALLY want to fall asleep / shut the world out and come out again tomorrow but I can't...

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Alambil · 22/07/2010 20:10

oh GREAT ... I think my mother has told my nan.

My nan has dementia, or if not, is very forgetful and thus untrustworthy to not blab to the rest of the family

which means EVERYone will know. Everyone. NOTHING will be private now

Fucking great.

OP posts:
toccatanfudge · 22/07/2010 20:23
Sad
Alambil · 22/07/2010 20:41

yeh...

do I confront her about it?

OP posts:
toccatanfudge · 22/07/2010 21:37

who - your mum??

tbh if I were you I'd probably not......

KickArseQueen · 22/07/2010 21:41

I would, but I'd wait until she'd helped me finish the lounge

Alambil · 22/07/2010 22:01

you know, it was only 5 hours ago she was berating me for not telling her and dad about how I feel and that I should "just come to them" in future...

I am seriouly thinking I can't now.

I mean how can I? really? I don't want my whole family looking at me at my sister's wedding and whispering "look, there goes the psych patient"

and no, they may not whispier, but they'll think it... I KNOW what my family are like - they judge and judge hard.

OP posts:
toccatanfudge · 22/07/2010 22:32

Lewis.......you know as harsh as it sounds I think once your mum has helped you finish clearing up you need to try and put distance between you and her. She's not really helped (pyschologcally) at all has she.

Just the same as my parents (and the funny thing is they said the exact same thing to me when I took that OD just over 2yrs ago).

I've been much happier since I stopped pretending I could go to them about anything and just took a step (well a couple of great leaps actually) back.

They, once in a blue moon, contact me, I never contact them.

Alambil · 22/07/2010 22:59

mmmm well I asked... she denied it

but I don't believe her - where would nan, even if she is confused, get that idea from? Mum told me she told nan we're going shopping... where does seeing someone to talk to equate with shopping?

OP posts:
Alambil · 22/07/2010 23:39

I can't do this.

I CAN NOT DO IT. I can't cope.....

I am falling apart

OP posts:
toccatanfudge · 22/07/2010 23:42

yes you can.

Remember me 2 years ago, I didn't think I could do it, I didn't think I could cope.

Many people (you included) kept telling me yes I could..........and you know what - it was bloody hard (And I had to go to the GP's and get some help from that direction as well.......>>) but I did.

Looking back it was all rather messy and blurry - but I got through it.

Alambil · 22/07/2010 23:47

no, i can't .... mum's just had the mother of all arguments with me about not only me but my sister, my nan, my aunts - its all come out

culminating in her saying she never has time for herself etc - so i said why did i not go to the house and do front room alone tomorrow, i don't mind etc so she can have time out - she said i can't do it; I can't clean, I can't see mess, i don't clean etc etc... and i need her to do it because otherwise it won't get done

OP posts:
Alambil · 22/07/2010 23:47
OP posts:
Alambil · 22/07/2010 23:50

oh and on top of this, going on her past form for asking about things she said she wouldn't, i can envisage a "how was it, what did you talk about, how are you, are you any happier, whens the next appointment, what are they going to do for you, how are they going to help, what do they do, what does that mean, who is your doctor, who is in charge" bombardment when i do finally get the courage to ring the doctor / get help....

and to be honest, i really can not face that. I can't....

after tonight I've been sitting here, thumping my temples trying to keep a grip and I failed.... i am now crying and can feel the heat of my blood through my veins because i'm so wound up with her, with me, with the situation, with the argument.... with life.

OP posts:
toccatanfudge · 22/07/2010 23:55

Ok - lets look at this

it's your mum that thinks you can't do it.

You as you pointed out have a done a HELL of a lot the last two days - YOU can see that - she can't.

I'm not one for using the "toxic" term, but quite frankly she's toxic for you. The house, your insomnia, your mental health, all the things that you need help and support with she's not giving it.

You know what - I know you can do this, she doesn't think you can. Try and use her non-belief in you as a spring board and bloody well show her. You know you can - and I bet without having her there comenting and juding and making you feel like shit you'll get loads more done

What's on the list for doing tomorrow?

Write all the thing down you want to get done (even if it's as small as "clear out chair" "throw bag of rubbish away", everything, sit down and write yourself a list.

Tomorrow when you get there (free from juding and comments that are only making you feel worse) first thing you HAVE to do is ring the GP's.

Then stick your list on the wall - or the fridge in the kitchen - somewhere you'll see it.

Start at the top and work your way down, one little job by one little job. All those hundred's of little jobs all add up.

Show her you can do it, you don't need her to believe in you. I believe in you, others on MN believe in you, YOU need to believe in you.

Read your last post again, look at how much of the negativity in it is from HER point of view........