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Original poster

stuck in a rut

42 replies

thesunshinesbrightly · 20/07/2010 11:48

Have been having strong feelings of sucide, ive had enough,going to write letters for my children and explain why they will be better off without me, my life is falling apart and i can't stop it think i'm just prone to bad luck and a shit life.

Anything i have forgotten should i do them like a little box or something?

OP posts:
BeckyBendyLegs · 20/07/2010 11:54

Please don't do this, think of your children, they would be absolutely devastated if you did this. They would not be better off without you. You might think they would be but they would not. Do you have a partner? If so, does he know how you feel? How old are your children? What makes you think they'd be better off without you? I can't believe that is true at all.

BeckyBendyLegs · 20/07/2010 12:04

I've just been playing with my littlest boy, who is 8 months (I have three boys), and he's been smiling up at me, giving me that loving smile babies keep for their mums and no-one else. And I thought about your post and it made me cry, for you. Back in January I felt life wasn't worth living but I am so, so, so pleased I didn't have the guts to do anything about it. I wouldn't be here today to see that little boy's smile and he wouldn't have anyone to give that smile too.

I'd better go back to him, he's lying on the floor playing with his feet and watching 'This Morning'. We have to go pick up DS2 from nursery in five mins.

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 20/07/2010 12:09

They would for a while, i really don't want to leave them, but what's the point everyday is groundhog day nothing goes right, i have no job, no where to live,no one to help me - i have nothing for them,they would be so much better off with their father.
I do have a partner but we don't live togther we was planning to but i cant, no he knows nothing and thats the way i want it, i have just planned to slip away while my kids are sleeping.

Really just wanted to know, what should i leave for them?

OP posts:
Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 20/07/2010 12:14

BeckybendyLegs - They are so precious arent they.

I have always thought i wouldn't have the gut's but i feel surprisly calm, like you know- this is the way it's meant to be, such a strange feeling.

My children are my world i love them so much, i want them to have the best and i can't give them that.

OP posts:
Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 20/07/2010 12:53

Just thought sure their are websites answering my question.

Thank you becky for your reply.

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itsonlyajob · 20/07/2010 12:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeckyBendyLegs · 20/07/2010 13:00

That feeling isn't normal, thesunshinesbrightly. I'm worried about you. Your children only want you to leave them one thing: you.

I now have DS2 back from nursery.

How many children do you have? They are really precious.

I school friend of mine had her mum leave her suddenely when she was about 16 I think. There had been no warning signs. I saw the after effect on my friend and her family. It wasn't good.

Please keep talking.

BeckyBendyLegs · 20/07/2010 13:02

You say your children are your world. They won't be your world if you are not here. You'll be gone. You won't be able to feel that they are your world anymore if you aren't here. You won't feel anything. Do you really want that? And they will have lost their world.

GetDownYouWillFall · 20/07/2010 13:08

Depression is an illness. It warps your thoughts out of all proportion. becky is right, this isn't normal, your children need you.

Please don't do this.

Go to A&E if you a feeling seriously suicidal. Tell someone and get them to take you.

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 20/07/2010 13:10

itsonlyajob - Thanks but i don't need to contact anyone.

Becky -Sorry to hear about your friends mum. Don't worry about me, i'm fine never felt more content.My children have their father and that comes with a better life, i will explain all to them and how much i love them.Thank you for talking to me.Go back to your little one's.

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GetDownYouWillFall · 20/07/2010 13:12

"fine and content" and suicidal just don't go together.

Please think about the devastation this would leave behind.

SparkleRainbow · 20/07/2010 13:13

Don't do it. I know how you feel I am feeling the same, in fact just posted a new thread which I know is a cry for help. I know I can't guide you out of the depression, you would lose your way following me, but I do know that your children only need one thing and that is you. Talk to us.

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 20/07/2010 13:16

Devastion - no my children would be but after they would be happy.

I am fine - I'm not scared, i feel peaceful.
i do feel content knowing that they will be happy in the end.

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GetDownYouWillFall · 20/07/2010 13:18

Why would they be happy afterwards? Suicide of a family member wrecks lives. Honestly.

BeckyBendyLegs · 20/07/2010 13:20

Please don't do this. I am sat here feeding DS3 with one hand and talking to you with the other. I am worried about you. Please, please, please go and see someone - even just turning up at your GP's surgery would be something and saying 'help me'.

Please think of your children. Can you really imagine not seeing them grow up? Not seeing them fall in love? Not seeing them have their own babies? Not seeing them at Christmas, this coming Christmas, opening their presents? Not seeing them on their birthdays? You may think they would be 'better off' with their father but they won't be 'better off' without you. It will destroy them.

BeckyBendyLegs · 20/07/2010 13:22

They won't be happy in the end. They will always be affected by your death.

Tell us more about your children - are they at school at the moment? They are blissfully unaware that you are thinking about this.

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 20/07/2010 13:22

Sorry everyone, i should not of posted.

Really it's fine.

How do you delete a thread? I have been here for ages and i don't even know how to do that.

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BeckyBendyLegs · 20/07/2010 13:25

Please don't say that. Please don't go away.

Read Sparkle's thread, it might help you put in perspective what you are feeling right now.

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 20/07/2010 13:25

Becky - Please don't think i'm heartless, i'm not, it is heartbreaking, i can't put into words how much, not seeing all that but they will be happy - I promise.

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BeckyBendyLegs · 20/07/2010 13:28

I don't think you are heartless at all. I think you love your children very, very much. You've just lost your way, and your perspective. You are not heartless. I would never think that. I just want you to live.

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 20/07/2010 13:34

Becky - I'm not doing it yet.i have lot's of thing's to do. I need to spend time with my children just me and them for a while.It is not a spare of the moment thing,I know what i am doing.
Thank you,so much for talking to me,i mean it really,you sound such a strong person.

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BeckyBendyLegs · 20/07/2010 13:36

Ha ha ha! I'm so not a strong person!

Please do talk to us anytime you want. There are a lot of lovely people on mumsnet who have a lot of experience and wisdom.

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 20/07/2010 13:38

You sound it.

Any ideas on how to delete this thread and thank you again.

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BeckyBendyLegs · 20/07/2010 13:45

No idea.

SparkleRainbow · 20/07/2010 15:09

You love your children very much, and the greatest gift you can give them is yourself, your love, your compassion, your company, your wisdom, the fact that one day you will be able to share with them how dark you felt, but that you survived that and they can learn from that. Please don't take yourself away from them, keep talking to us.