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Original poster

My ex drops are kids back of to me during his days to play football, AIBU to think this is not fair?

33 replies

Holzz · 09/12/2024 20:44

So I will try to keep it short, but me(22F) and my ex (27M) have 2 kids together ( 2 and 1 year old girls) we split about 2 months ago as the relationship was very toxic and he was emotionally, verbally and sometimes physically abusive. this weekend is the first time he’ll be having the kids due to him not having a stable place to live until now. Our agreement is that he will have the kids 2x a month then 3x a month (alternating) and he will pick them up Friday evening and drop them back Sunday evening. However he’s recently clued me in to the fact that after we split up he decided to take up football, his training day does not affect our schedule as its during the week but he has a match every Saturday so it interrupts his time with our children. He has said he will drop the kids back to me on Saturday lunchtime and pick them up again that evening around 5:30. Not only is this a lot of back and forth for the children, and he doesn’t drive so he will be relying on other people to do drop off and pick ups. But I also feel like where is my time to be able to do something for myself or pick up an extra shift at work and I’m the last 2 and a half years(since having kids)I haven’t been able to do any of that as the weekends was all about him as he works during the week. I don’t feel like this arrangement is fair but I had when he told me about this said it was fine, cuz I knew otherwise it would erupt into another argument. Am I being unreasonable and should jst let him enjoy his hobby, or tell him he needs to figure out childcare when it’s on his time with the kids if he wants to do something???help please!

OP posts:
ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 09/12/2024 20:49

No yanbu - he needs to sort out childcare to cover his activities the way you would of there was something you needed to be doing. Either that or not play until the kids are old enough to be on the sideline. If he's only been doing it for 2 months since you split he can hardly claim it means heaven and earth to him.

Fwiw I'm in a similar situation with a similar timeline though my kids are a bit older and I've been very guarded with my boundaries. We still have a shared online diary to make kid logistics easier but I'll just put 'zigzag busy' for chunks of time rather than name the thing because it's none of his damn business what I get up to when I haven't got the children with me.

Janpoppy · 09/12/2024 20:52

You're not together any more so you're not on call for his child care during the time when he has responsibility for them. You can arrange to work or do whatever you want on those days. Just tell him you are not able to do it. He needs to find another way to manage his commitments.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 09/12/2024 20:53

Don't be available

saveforthat · 09/12/2024 20:55

Just tell him you can't do it now.

twentysevendresses · 09/12/2024 20:56

No...you're not his childminder. It's very simple! He needs to find childcare and that ISN'T you!

Don't agree to this even once...because if you do, it will become 'the arrangement' and you'll be stuck with it!

SalsaLights · 09/12/2024 20:56

Nope.

He wants to play football, childcare during that time is his responsibility. You aren't together any more so it's not your problem.

Tell him you aren't available.

Livinghappy · 09/12/2024 20:58

Selfish man but who would he leave the children with, if not you?

That would be my concern. I had a similar twat ex and if the children were young I would have stepped in, only because I would want them to be safe and feel secure

Original poster
Holzz · 09/12/2024 21:00

Thankyou!Exactly what I was thinking myself, he just has always made me feel like I’m an alien and myself and my opinion is not normal. My only worry is if I haven’t got the kids is who he is going to get to watch them as the only person who he could get to watch them is his dad, but he is a very unreliable person and has never watched either of my girls, and from a previous incident the last time me and my ex split and my oldest daughter was in his care for 5 mins while her dad was outside smoking she got hold of a vape, because it was jst laying around. So I worry something like this might happen again as he is not used to having small children around and taking the safety measures you have to in your home.

OP posts:
SuperfluousHen · 09/12/2024 21:05

Wouldn’t you rather look after them for the afternoon rather than him get some random person you haven’t met to care for your very young daughters?

Theunamedcat · 09/12/2024 21:07

SuperfluousHen · 09/12/2024 21:05

Wouldn’t you rather look after them for the afternoon rather than him get some random person you haven’t met to care for your very young daughters?

I'm sure they would rather their ex acted like a parent 🙄

Original poster
Holzz · 09/12/2024 21:08

SuperfluousHen · 09/12/2024 21:05

Wouldn’t you rather look after them for the afternoon rather than him get some random person you haven’t met to care for your very young daughters?

If you look above I have addressed this, thanks.

OP posts:
SuperfluousHen · 09/12/2024 21:09

Theunamedcat · 09/12/2024 21:07

I'm sure they would rather their ex acted like a parent 🙄

Show quote history

The most vulnerable people in this situation are two little girls aged TWO and ONE years old. They need to be safe and feel secure. That comes before any other considerations.

PullTheBricksDown · 09/12/2024 21:10

I would take the easiest route that's hardest for him to argue with and say you've been called into work.

I do wonder how likely it is to come off given that it relies on someone driving them to yours and then picking up again. Would one of his parents be likely to do that?

SuperfluousHen · 09/12/2024 21:15

Holzz · 09/12/2024 21:08

If you look above I have addressed this, thanks.

Show quote history

“My only worry is if I haven’t got the kids is who he is going to get to watch them as the only person who he could get to watch them is his dad, but he is a very unreliable person and has never watched either of my girls, and from a previous incident the last time me and my ex split and my oldest daughter was in his care for 5 mins while her dad was outside smoking she got hold of a vape, because it was jst laying around.”

🤦‍♀️

please, look after them yourself, OP.
They’re only babies, really.

pikkumyy77 · 09/12/2024 21:15

You can’t control a selfish misogynist. I would stop the weekend contact. Just say “you defaulted on this ridiculously tiny commitment to your daughters so lets not pretend you can manage to keep them for any length of time.”

Then work on getting money for babysitters so you can pick up shifts. Because this man will never reliably serve as childcare.

OtterOnAPlane · 09/12/2024 21:15

Another perspective... if he is emotionally, verbally and physically abusive, should he be looking after two toddlers at all?

Original poster
Holzz · 09/12/2024 21:16

PullTheBricksDown · 09/12/2024 21:10

I would take the easiest route that's hardest for him to argue with and say you've been called into work.

I do wonder how likely it is to come off given that it relies on someone driving them to yours and then picking up again. Would one of his parents be likely to do that?

I currently only work 1 day a week as my youngest is breastfeed and I don’t have the supply to cover bottles for her for multiple days a week plus their dads weekend so he wouldn’t believe that . And yes it would be his dad, but as I’ve put on another reply he is not very reliable, I feel like I have no choice but to have my girls so that I know they are properly looked after but I know deep down he has done this on purpose so that I feel stuck and ultimately will do what’s best for my girls

OP posts:
Lufannian · 09/12/2024 21:18

Livinghappy · 09/12/2024 20:58

Selfish man but who would he leave the children with, if not you?

That would be my concern. I had a similar twat ex and if the children were young I would have stepped in, only because I would want them to be safe and feel secure

This.

To be honest I’d be nothing but grateful they were with me instead of him.

I’ve never understood this about separated parents who guard their time like this. like my friend who is so obsessed with her “time off” that she had her ex’s new girlfriend pick her sick child up from nursery because “it’s not my tuuuurn!”

I’d far rather my kids were with me than anyone else, in any circumstances.

Original poster
Holzz · 09/12/2024 21:21

OtterOnAPlane · 09/12/2024 21:15

Another perspective... if he is emotionally, verbally and physically abusive, should he be looking after two toddlers at all?

I understand what you’re saying but he has never once even been angry or agressive with the children not making it right that he’s done it in front of them to me, but I would have no proof in court if I stopped visitation and he took me there.

OP posts:
Snoken · 09/12/2024 21:24

Based on the age of the children and how useless he is I would suggest you do Saturday from 5.30pm to Sunday 5.30pm instead. If he wants to have them more he needs to make sure he is actually around to do that.

Original poster
Holzz · 09/12/2024 21:27

Lufannian · 09/12/2024 21:18

This.

To be honest I’d be nothing but grateful they were with me instead of him.

I’ve never understood this about separated parents who guard their time like this. like my friend who is so obsessed with her “time off” that she had her ex’s new girlfriend pick her sick child up from nursery because “it’s not my tuuuurn!”

I’d far rather my kids were with me than anyone else, in any circumstances.

Show quote history

I am grateful they are with me however as I am not the only parent I shouldn’t be the one making all the sacrifices, I always have done and will continue to do so for my girls best interest. But the truth is it’s not fair, It’s not about “guarding my time” it’s about the fact that he can do what’s best he wants when he wants and I can’t even go for No2 by myself, as many others have said he shouldn’t be committing to something when he knows he has his children on those days

OP posts:
Lufannian · 09/12/2024 21:28

Oh well. Let him leave them with the vape man then 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
Holzz · 09/12/2024 21:29

Snoken · 09/12/2024 21:24

Based on the age of the children and how useless he is I would suggest you do Saturday from 5.30pm to Sunday 5.30pm instead. If he wants to have them more he needs to make sure he is actually around to do that.

This to me seems the most logical and I think I will go ahead and tell him this👍

OP posts:
Hodge00079 · 09/12/2024 21:33

Swapping about like that would probably be unsettling for the girls.

He should be putting girls first.

However, assuming he is ok to look after the girls (i.e. safe) would it work if he picked them up on after football and brought them back Sunday? Perhaps every week. You shouldn’t have to be solving but if the alternative is they may be left with someone unsuitable.

HelloMyNameIsElderSmurf · 09/12/2024 21:33

Yeah he either does Friday night then drops them back before football, or Saturday 5.30 to Sunday 5.30. The second option would mean you could maybe pick up a shift too.