Am I stupid/selfish for wanting a third child?

[Moo2019]

I have twin boys who are 21 months and I can’t help but think about another baby.

For context, my babies were born very early and very unwell. I didn’t really get to be pregnant (I was on bed rest for the whole pregnancy and had them at 6 months). I think part of my desire is because I feel cheated out of pregnancy and birth. I have dreamt about giving birth and being handed a baby for as long as I can remember, but mine got whisked straight off to NICU… my milk never came in and so I couldn’t breast feed and I know that partly I just want to experience all of the things I missed. It is believed that my complications were due to having a twin pregnancy, so would hopefully not reoccur with a singleton, and my twins are identical so it is not genetic and so unlikely to happen again.

My husband is happy with the two we have, and doesn’t really want a third. He’s not dead against it, but doesn’t feel the same way as me.

We live in a two bed flat and with the rise of costs, we would not be able to move any time soon. We are also struggling with the cost of two kids in nursery.

However, the boys will get free childcare hours from 3, and I have just secured a new job that means a slight pay rise.

I feel like I’m being selfish in my desire for another one when the situation isn’t ‘right’, but at the same time I don’t want to miss my opportunity to have a third child and always regret it? Is it mad to think of three kids in a small flat when we are not wealthy and it does not look like things will be easing up financially with the cost of living etc?

Has anyone got any stories of maybe being in a similar position?

Been in your shoes..... know how you feel. I never got to hold our 2 boys, NICU etc etc. / I was too unwell. Like you I wondered what it would be like to hold a newborn baby.

Fast forward 10 years... we have 3 children (and I did get to hold her). We thought we could change the car when the 3rd was 1 year old - my husband lasted 2 weeks before admitting defeat and having to buy a bigger car (we had an estate car!). Going away - we often have to pay for 2 rooms and split up (doubling the accommodation bill) but it is doable. Camping / renting caravans are cheap holiday options.

We did have the space and I stayed home to look after the children and we found that easier cost-wise as I walked everywhere with a double buggy and eldest walking and it was easy to entertain them for free / very low cost at local parks, toddler groups etc. Once youngest 5, I started working for myself and work round the children - still do and not looked back. Would never have changed career if stuck with 2.

Best wishes.

I have twins not much younger than yours OP and I'd love another. I do already have an older child too though. I do think if you know you are going to be stuck in a 2 bed flat for the long term then I wouldn't contemplate another at this stage. We are already feeling the strain space wise at home but have a plan to extend or move somewhere cheaper. My eldest would love another sibling a I've tried telling her that means no foreign holidays or fancy cars and she'd likely have to share a room and she's still not changed her mind 😅
To me it comes down to whether there are sacrifices I Could make to make space emotionally / physically / financially for another child - it shouldn't be about what sacrifices are forced on to the eldest 3.

Should add, it was my husband that wanted 2 children and then myself feeling exactly how you feel re what was a newborn like. He wasn’t so sure but didn’t object to trying for a third. I am much older than you, having our 3rd at age 39.

their existing children make sacrifices they arent even aware of.

I think it's quite normal to want to have a different experience when you've had a rough time with pregnancy+ as it's partially about proving to yourself that you were unlucky rather than having something wrong with you. It's not a good enough reason for another baby though so worth examining your thought process to find out if it's just that or you genuinely want another. You could wait a few years to see as well, you're not old enough to need to rush it.

Don't do it. If you had a girl you really will be pushed for space.

@Isonthecase thank you, it’s nice to know people get where I’m coming from

Who knows, maybe we will win the lottery in the next couple of years!

@Eastmeetswest1 ah I’m so happy you got your third baby and it all went well. It gives me hope x