Am I stupid/selfish for wanting a third child?

[Moo2019]

I have twin boys who are 21 months and I can’t help but think about another baby.

For context, my babies were born very early and very unwell. I didn’t really get to be pregnant (I was on bed rest for the whole pregnancy and had them at 6 months). I think part of my desire is because I feel cheated out of pregnancy and birth. I have dreamt about giving birth and being handed a baby for as long as I can remember, but mine got whisked straight off to NICU… my milk never came in and so I couldn’t breast feed and I know that partly I just want to experience all of the things I missed. It is believed that my complications were due to having a twin pregnancy, so would hopefully not reoccur with a singleton, and my twins are identical so it is not genetic and so unlikely to happen again.

My husband is happy with the two we have, and doesn’t really want a third. He’s not dead against it, but doesn’t feel the same way as me.

We live in a two bed flat and with the rise of costs, we would not be able to move any time soon. We are also struggling with the cost of two kids in nursery.

However, the boys will get free childcare hours from 3, and I have just secured a new job that means a slight pay rise.

I feel like I’m being selfish in my desire for another one when the situation isn’t ‘right’, but at the same time I don’t want to miss my opportunity to have a third child and always regret it? Is it mad to think of three kids in a small flat when we are not wealthy and it does not look like things will be easing up financially with the cost of living etc?

Has anyone got any stories of maybe being in a similar position?

I wouldn't personally have another while you're living in such a small space.

I'd also have a chat with your nursery about the costs you'll still be incurring when they turn 3. You'll still pay extra hours, meals etc and it soon adds up.

If you do the sums and can move somewhere bigger and afford childcare again that's great.

What's your maternity policy like in your new job?

It’s so hard with nursery isn’t it, I have a feeling it won’t free us as much as we hoped. And then I’m worried about when they’re at school and needing wrap around childcare!

My new job offers 6.5 months full pay, which is pretty good.

Every properly has just got so expensive, I can’t see us being able to move any time soon and don’t want to miss my window to have a child… but at the same time maybe it just isn’t possible?

I think it's always possible to work around it but you'll need to be prepared to make sacrifices. Only you know what's best for your family (and that includes you! Too often we put everyone ahead of ourselves)

We've just moved house and got a big mortgage as we know we're done but it's massively expensive, and while you've got little ones you can get them all a sharing a bedroom but say if you wait another year then have a girl, by the time you stop paying nursery fees for her you're going to need a bigger property as the boys will want their privacy.

6.5 months maternity package is really good! But then as you say it's the wraparound care and childcare after that times up. Is DH's employer any good on the shared parental leave front?

Stupid no, as it is a shame you didn't get to enjoy the pregnancy and birth experience. But given your circumstances it would not be appropriate. Enjoy the kids you have - in a couple of years they will be at a 'nice age' where you can enjoy them. The pregnancy/baby part is not the only good bit of being a parent.

For a long time DH wanted a 3rd. I wasn't 100% keen as Ds1 and 2 were tricky.

However I was highly tempted and went back and forth over the pros and cons for years.

Eventually I realised that what I really wanted was the chance to have a pleasant pregnancy (both mine were stressful and I hyperemesis). Plus a nice newborn period which I didn't get with the first 2 for several reasons.

I decided it was unrealistic and the chances of having that with 2 older DC to care for wasn't guaranteed at all.

DC are now 8 and 11 and I don't regret staying at 2 at all.

Thank you. I’m lucky that I have two wonderful boys and I adore being their mummy xx

Thank you for your kind message. I totally relate to this. I also had hyperemesis and then my waters broke at 20 weeks, meaning I was on bed rest and we didn’t know if the babies would make it. I do think a big part of it for me is feeling robbed of pregnancy, birth and early motherhood (they were in hospital for four months after birth, during covid)..

It’s really nice to hear you don’t regret sticking at 2. I love my boys so much, and I definitely feel so lucky to have them.

@InvincibleInvisibility Thank you for your kind message. I totally relate to this. I also had hyperemesis and then my waters broke at 20 weeks, meaning I was on bed rest and we didn’t know if the babies would make it. I do think a big part of it for me is feeling robbed of pregnancy, birth and early motherhood (they were in hospital for four months after birth, during covid)..

It’s really nice to hear you don’t regret sticking at 2. I love my boys so much, and I definitely feel so lucky to have them.

@Mariposista Thank you. I’m lucky that I have two wonderful boys and I adore being their mummy xx

Sorry I’m useless on Mumsnet and forgot to tag people in my replies!

Thanks for being kind in your responses, I’ve been really nervous posting about this.

Honestly OP I wouldn’t - having 2 children the same sex makes living in a 2 bed doable, it allows you the option to always look at 2 beds, and keep costs down if you can’t upsize. Also nursery is expensive but so is: wrap around care, school holidays, term time holidays, birthday parties and extra curricular activities. Pre schoolers are cheap!

I’m going against the grain but I would have another! Having good memories of pregnancy/birth (if possible) does matter - I mean why do we do this whole thing if not for those moments? I didn’t enjoy my pregnancy last time, or make the most of it for various reasons - it’s part of the reason I’m ttc number 2, I would like to experience it all again. It’s just a valid a reason as any.

Well there is no guarantee another pregnancy will be enjoyable is there?

I would not even entertain the thought for a second if I were you. You don't have the room and it doesn't sound like you could afford another child.

Prices of food, fuel, energy etc are unlikely to come down. In fact they will almost certainly carrying on going up.

Do you have a mortgage? Interest rates will only continue to rise for the foreseeable future.

Just be grateful for the boys you have

Before you go ahead and get pregnant, id suggest getting some therapy to deal with your feelings around the trauma you've suffered. And it is trauma. EMDR is good. Having another baby won't fix the fact that you lost out on all those experiences. It won't bring back those times you feel that you've lost.

I've been there, done it and got t shirt. traumatic birth, NICU, unable to breastfeed, twins. I didn't really want another baby. I just wanted to have had the birth and newborn experience that i felt everyone else gets. But that's life and i had to realise we don't have the space and money for another baby - and it wouldn't fix the thing that needed to be fixed and that was my trauma response. Mine are 6 now and I'm so glad i didn't have another.

@TeaWithFlorence thank you, I really appreciate your insight. It’s also nice to know that now you’re happy with your decision to stick with two, I’m just so worried about regretting it.

I’ve had some CBT for C-PTSD and have found it really helpful, but I am really interested in EDMR so may look into this.

It’s so nice to have a bit of a glimpse into where I may be in a few years time x

@mydogisthebest I totally understand your point and please don’t mistake anything I’m saying for not being grateful for the children I have. I can’t believe how lucky I am most of the time and they are truly the best thing in my life.

@Wouldloveanother thank you, it’s nice to know it’s not just me that feels that way! I hope you have a really positive experience with your second x

@OnlyFoolsnMothers oh god I didn’t even think about extra curricular activities!
I definitely don’t want to take away anything from the children I have now, but I guess it’s odd with twins as although you have two kids, you only get to be pregnant once and I do feel a bit odd thinking I’m 30 and I may never have anymore! I can’t really explain the feeling. I appreciate your opinion 😊

The thing is your babies are SO little yet. You're only 30. You've got plenty of time. Just try not to put so much pressure on yourself. Take a step back and enjoy your babies for a bit. Take the discussion off the table for a year or two and see how you feel then. If you're anything like me you're probably tormenting yourself. You don't have to decide now.

Having a third baby makes everything significantly more expensive. The jump from a two bed to three bed house is just the start.

what about your current car? Will it take three carseats in the back? Not many will! Can you afford a car that you can safely transport three children in?

wrap-around childcare, nursery fees.

you'll want them to learn how to swim so factor in swimming classes for three. For years.

any other hobbies they might be interested in? Will you have to just keep saying no to them?

holidays. Going from a family of four, one room in a hotel, to a family of five, two rooms in a hotel. That’s an expensive add on.

I think that would be a selfish decision when you're financially struggling with the 2 you already have.

Perhaps some counselling to process the pregnancy and birth would be a better idea.

@TeaWithFlorence you’re so right. Thank you.

what if its twins again

@LilyMarshall how does anyone do it?! 😂

I would also add OP, I think there is a feeling of sadness after your last child- it’s normal! I am sad I’ll never have a newborn or breastfeed again- but that’s doesn’t mean I want to raise another human.