Termination *sensitive post*

[Justme84]

I've been scouring the internet for the last week looking for advice. Mumsnet appears to have the most practical common sense advice. So here I am.

I am 32 years old with 2 children. A good marriage and about to embark in my final year of a degree that has very nearly broken me. I've been so excited to see the light at the end of this tunnel
We are about to move house too next week all being well with completion. A much nicer house which has been made possible as in 12 months time I will be not only earning but earning a comfortable amount.

I was for the first time in a long time feeling happier.

Until 10 days ago when out of the blue I got a positive pregnancy test. I am on the pill and can't think of anything I did for the pill to fail.
I can't remember my lmp as I don't always bleed when I have my pill break but I know it was towards the end of April. Making me 6 weeks pregnant
I am devastated.

I KNOW I can't have this baby. I have worked so so so so hard to get to where I am. I am profoundly aware of how selfish and self righteous this sounds.
My husband has said from the beginning that it would be impractical to have a baby right now and is also as upset as me about the whole situation.

I am booked with marie stopes to have a surgical termination this Thursday. I am beyond heartbroken about this.
I am trying my very best to do what is right by everyone except the baby so it would seem. My mind is made up but it isn't stopping the pain I am feeling and I just don't know how to cope.
I feel very pregnant right now too which means it's all I think about.

I have gone back and forth with the what ifs and I am torturing myself reading pro life literature which says the baby will feel everything.
I feel like I am playing god but I know can't carry on feeling this way.

With my 2 children I cried tears of joy with my pregnancy tests
This one however I sobbed like I have never before through pure heartbreak. I feel like a monster.

I am looking for anyone that can offer me practical advice on what is to come and about what I am feeling right now. Sorry if I have brought up any hurtful past experiences.

Yes I am finding it cathartic I think.

It's also really helping me hearing everyones experiences and hearing opinions
I feel much better about it all today.

Really glad to hear that

I'm glad you feel better OP. It's ok to find it tough, it's also ok to make the decision you've made. I just hope you're not too hard on yourself

Glad you're feeling better.

PS. OP, by 'what is to come' does that mean you'd like to know what to expect?

I remember I took a taxi to what I remember looked something like a big suburban house (can that be true? it was a long time ago), where other women were waiting in the waiting room. Along with the others I changed into a gown and left my stuff in a locker, I got on a gurney and was sedated and when I came to it was all over. I felt a bit tearful when I woke up and the very kind nurse told me that was just an effect of the sedation.

If I remember correctly we were all given a cuppa in the recovery room, where I sat for a while in a reclining chair alongside the other women.

At some stage (afterward?) I had a consult with a doctor who told me some things about the procedure: that it had gone normally and that they agreed the date of conception/length of pregnancy (not sure why that was a thing but I remember they confirmed it was what I said it was). Everyone was very nice to me and acted like it was all very normal, that this was just a routine and necessary procedure.

By the time I got home the awful 'morning sickness' I had been suffering from 24/7 had gone and I was finally able to eat without feeling ill. There was some heavy bleeding for a day or two and that was it. I don't recall any physical discomfort, or certainly not more than routine period feelings.

I just want to add that, if you haven't thought of this, loads of women you know will have had abortions. When I told my mum I was pregnant, she revealed that she'd had four (all different circumstances, mostly health-related). I had absolutely no idea. I found this immensely comforting as I had felt very isolated with my secret accidental pregnancy.

Years later when I met my DH - the most sensible and responsible adult I know - he told me he had been responsible for two accidental pregnancies (both terminated).

It happens, it is hard, we deal with it, we live with it, life goes on.

Good luck to you OP.

Yes as I keep reading horror stories but I think that's mainly for the medical procedure.
I have opted for no pain relief/no sedation as my husband will be picking the children up from school. Plus I chose one miles from where I live as they had more availability
Those more local could only do July. 2nd week in July to be precise.

So now I am frightened for how painful it may be. I feel a bit like I kind of deserve the pain though. I'm not usually such a glass half empty person.

This one looks a bit like a big, old suburban house and when I drove past after making the appointment there were pro life people and what looked like a priest. I really hope they're not there on the day. I think I will likely breakdown in tears or go crazy at them.

My mum had a termination when I was 2 for medical reasons. The baby was expected to be stillborn or pass away not long after birth. I really want to tell my mum. I know she senses something is wrong. I know she will he supportive but whatever I decide but I know it will hurt her too. Plus if she carries on acting normal around me I think it might help me. Rather than her worrying and fussing over me.

I'd give the clinic a ring and ask about the protestors. Many clinics have lovely groups of volunteers who offer to walk women past the evil religious nuts so they don't get harassed. (And they are evil - I've had friends harassed by them when they went for ERPC after miscarrying much wanted pregnancies - they are just total scum who don't care about actual people existing in the world, only sacred foetuses).

Hi there

I just thought I would update. I found reading other experiences incredibly helpful.

Thursday rolled around and I was an absolute emotional wreck. Went along to Marie stopes ( whom I might add were awful in my opinion) only to be told they wouldn't do a surgical as I had 2 c sections. I knew I couldn't keep delaying the inevitable so they gave me the first abortion tablet. It felt very much like a conveyor belt and I came out feeling horrendous. I called later that night to tell them I had changed my mind and didn't want the second tablets.
They told me that was my choice but I should as it causes defects. However, I was still confident of my reasoning to actually have a termination but the way they made it feel gave me doubts.
I called my gp who said that if it resulted in a loss of pregnancy then it would occur in the first 6-12 hours and I would experience cramping. I didn't. The GP also booked me in the following day to a bpas clinic to keep my options open as he believed it was the medical option that was filling me with doubt. I wasn't so sure and in all honesty I felt a mess.
I went along the next day and they scanned me. Said I was 6 weeks ( the marie stopes clinic scanned me but it seemed less thorough as they weren't convinced they could see anything) this is where the first discrepancy came.
By this point I should have been ticking over into the 7/8 th week mark as there had been a slight revision of dates when I found a text to my mum from April telling her my period had arrived early and that I felt terrible with it.
So I questioned it and they said sometimes it happens. They booked me in for a surgical procedure telling me I could indeed change my mind at any time and that at that point the embryo was there and heartbeat and fetal pole could be seen, so not to worry about the first tablet too much.

I called my gp when I got home and he explained that usually with such a difference in ultrasound date and lmp the usual advice would be to scan in a weeks time to see if there was progression. Obviously i wasn't following the usual procedure. I was certain on the conception date as we only had sex once and even allowing for the week it can sometimes take something didn't seem right. Also a week previous to that the horrific morning sickness and breast tenderness had decreased to being barely there. I felt then that something wasn't right and that scan confirmed it for me to a degree.

Friday evening I started spotting and it continued all weekend. It was heavier than typical pregnancy spotting.

Tuesday I went back for my surgical and they 're scanned. There was no longer a heartbeat.
I felt relief and guilt and everything all at once.
They carried out the procedure under sedation but I was very aware of what was happening. They wrote missed miscarriage on my notes.
I asked the Dr when he came to see me after if it was my fault with the 1st tablet and he said not likely as it's usually turns off the pregnancy within 12 hours. I had been scanned 36 hours later and everything seemed okay and that's why he felt it was more likely a miscarriage taking into account the discrepancy of dates, loss of symptoms etc.
Before I found out I was pregnant u had drank a lot more than usual due to uni annual leave. I'd then taken 2 weeks of antibiotics that are not allowed during pregnancy and exposed myself to ( perfectly safe for me as an adult) low level radiation that had the potential to interfere with early cell development in pregnancy.
( I'm not a Russian spy or anything) but radiation is something I find myself around safely most days.
Speaking to the gp about all of these risk factors confirmed my decision and almost gives me some peace now. I hadn't really thought about any of the risk factors I had already exposed the pregnancy to when I first found out. It was more when I started questioning myself and my decision.

So here I am today. The day after.
Feeling quite empty to be honest.
Not sure what to think anymore.

I know that having a baby was never going to be the right choice and in hindsight I do feel that it was the medical termination that made me doubt myself rather than the actual termination

Despite being sad I do feel relieved and I can't fault the staff at bpas at all. They were truly wonderful.
I'm not in any physical pain and despite feeling sad, I don't feel as sad as I did on the build up to it, if that makes sense?
The bleeding is that of a normal period and the sedation didn't leave me feeling groggy at all. In fact I am not even convinced it worked.

I had a termination many years ago and I know it was the right decision because although I felt sad at the time I have never once regretted my choice because it was the right thing for me at that time and that was what I had to consider. Hopefully it will be the same for you, the right decision isn't always the easy one. Take it easy, be kind to yourself and know you've done your best for everyone.

What a difficult time for you.
I hope you recover physically and mentally well

Unmumsnetty hugs, and I second the advice to take it easy and be gentle with yourself. Remember the right decision for you isn't always the easy one to take - you can feel confused and conflicted even though it was absolutely the right thing.