Termination *sensitive post*

[Justme84]

I've been scouring the internet for the last week looking for advice. Mumsnet appears to have the most practical common sense advice. So here I am.

I am 32 years old with 2 children. A good marriage and about to embark in my final year of a degree that has very nearly broken me. I've been so excited to see the light at the end of this tunnel
We are about to move house too next week all being well with completion. A much nicer house which has been made possible as in 12 months time I will be not only earning but earning a comfortable amount.

I was for the first time in a long time feeling happier.

Until 10 days ago when out of the blue I got a positive pregnancy test. I am on the pill and can't think of anything I did for the pill to fail.
I can't remember my lmp as I don't always bleed when I have my pill break but I know it was towards the end of April. Making me 6 weeks pregnant
I am devastated.

I KNOW I can't have this baby. I have worked so so so so hard to get to where I am. I am profoundly aware of how selfish and self righteous this sounds.
My husband has said from the beginning that it would be impractical to have a baby right now and is also as upset as me about the whole situation.

I am booked with marie stopes to have a surgical termination this Thursday. I am beyond heartbroken about this.
I am trying my very best to do what is right by everyone except the baby so it would seem. My mind is made up but it isn't stopping the pain I am feeling and I just don't know how to cope.
I feel very pregnant right now too which means it's all I think about.

I have gone back and forth with the what ifs and I am torturing myself reading pro life literature which says the baby will feel everything.
I feel like I am playing god but I know can't carry on feeling this way.

With my 2 children I cried tears of joy with my pregnancy tests
This one however I sobbed like I have never before through pure heartbreak. I feel like a monster.

I am looking for anyone that can offer me practical advice on what is to come and about what I am feeling right now. Sorry if I have brought up any hurtful past experiences.

It's completely natural to have mixed feelings. I had a surgical termination more than 30 years ago, as a young woman in an abusive relationship. I know it was the right decision but still regret that I was in that position.

You are not being selfish, you are doing the right thing for your family. You are losing a pregnancy and it is natural to grieve for that. If counselling is offered you might find it helpful to talk through your feelings .

Would it be so bad to have this baby? Maybe a blessing? Something that was meant to happen. What is it that is worrying you/scarying you the most about it. It obviously wasn't in your plan and I totally get that. I am not judging you. Just putting an alternative thought process out there. Your pregnancy may be tough but you could end up feeling very different when baby is born. How did you feel when your other dc were born? Good luck either way.

I've had an abortion and I have children. I too cried tears of joy with my first three but I sobbed and sobbed for days with my last pregnancy. To me, that very first reaction speaks volumes. My third pregnancy came after I kicked my abusive alcoholic husband out, but I was still happy about being pregnant having miscarried a few months before. We temporarily got back together after she was born, we had sex once and I was sat breastfeeding my 10 week old when the test came back positive. I had kicked him out again 3 weeks before. (I've also not spoken to him or seen him since, he hasn't bothered with our DD at all) I just couldn't stay pregnant. I'd been through Hell when pregnant with DD. I borrowed money from a family member and went to Marie Stopes. They are the only ones who know. And do you know what? I don't regret it. I had to think of my current children and what was best for them. I had to give us our best shot at life.

Ignore any prolife wankers. There is not much worse than being pregnant when you really don't want to be.

Also they do NOT show you the screen during the scan. They pulled a curtain round so I couldn't see.

I've thought of all the different ways I could do this because I feel so sad to be in this position. It would mean me deferring for possibly 2 years with my current degree. Maybe one year but the degree I am doing I will not be able to do the placement side of the degree being pregnant so I think more likely 2 years.
However 1 year or 2 years I have really struggled getting through university to the point I am at now and have nearly thrown the towel in a couple of times despite loving the career path I chose.
It is really really tough and I know that taking time out i would never go back to it and if i did. Trying to complete the final year with a baby and juggle night shifts/time away from home etc is just not practical
It is the reason I waited until my children were both older to embark on this career .

Husbands work aren't the greatest and I don't think they'd be on board for him to have a career break and I'm not sure he would want to anyway.

We have been round and round in circles with this and keep coming back to the same conclusion
I think for me personally and probably many other women there will always me and element of what if and sadness . And it's something I will move through

I don't have any doubt that I would love the baby if I went through with it but this doesn't change the situation

If my contraception failed and I got pregnant now, I would feel that the best decision for me would be to have a termination. I say that as someone who tried for a year and a half to have my DS (which is nothing, I know, but felt like forever) and felt, I'm ashamed to say, incredibly sad, angry and bitter when I saw other women with babies. I'm actually embarrassed to write that now.
I just wanted you to know that I can completely understand your decision (even if you are only 90% sure) and you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty for.
Your contraception failed, you weren't being reckless. Please don't beat yourself up over this! I hope you get all the support you need, I can't really imagine what you must be going through.

I hope I don't get attacked for my viewpoint.

I think you are clearly in shock, so is your husband by the sounds of it. 6 weeks along is very early and I could understand (if you sounded sure) that you would not want to wait. You don't sound sure of what you want (head vs heart) and I think you can afford to take two or three more weeks to get your head around things. You only found out ten days ago and already you've had a consultation and are booked in. You've barely had time to take a breath, you poor thing.

I know it's not convenient but these things happen... The fact it happened against all odds makes me wonder if it's one of things that was meant to be. Perhaps, in the end, you'll decide that you should terminate, but give yourself a week or two to digest, look into the practicalities re your course / career options, speak more with your husband. I don't think it's ever a good idea to act on impulse.

You say if you go through with the pregnancy, you don't doubt you'll love the baby; your husband will too, I'm sure. At least, once there, you know you would love the child. In that sense, the baby is noy unwanted. Other thoughts: would your other children love to welcome a sibling?

Another consideration: you wouldn't have to give up your academic / career plans forever. It's up to you, if you do have the baby, to ensure you pick up the reins a little further down the line. Another child doesn't have to be the end of your life or career.

You are in a better financial position and perhaps worried about the costs having a baby incurs (esp when you point out your DH's work situation) but a baby doesn't have to be crazily expensive. Eg I have one friend whose baby wore nothing but white babygrows for a year, and another who dressed hers in designer stuff daily. You can also buy great secondhand (barely used) cots/ prams etc these days if you no longer have these from your two children.

I'm just thinking outloud here, not trying to unduly influence you. I can tell from your OP that you're not convinced one way or the other. You say your mind is made up but it doesn't sound like it...

If you were to go ahead, do you have family nearby who would be willing to help with childcare to help you out?

Before I get jumped on by others, I'm not trying to talk you out of terminating. I'm just saying you should give yourself a little more time to at least get past the shock and consider whether it's really such a bad thing...
You are only 32. Plenty of time for your career, even wtih a two-year break. It's not the end of the world if you decide to keep the baby. I'm just saying you should be as sure as you can be...it's not reversible.

I really wish people would think before posting. The op has been clear on her thought processes from her first post. She is clearly NOT acting on impulse.

The opinions of her children are not relevant. They aren't the ones undergoing the pregnancy nor are they responsible for an additional dependant.

The op absolutely needs to take the time she needs but I really don't think posts saying you can just delay your life and career for x years and you only need second hand baby gros are likely to be helpful. I think it's just a way to promote her to feel unjustified and unhelpful guilt. I really, really hope that was not what was intended.

Hi OP

I've been in a very similar position to you.

DH and I went round in circles talking through every possible option.

In the end we felt termination was the best decision for us and our family.

I'm not going to pretend it was easy. A lot of tears were shed.

Unlike you however, I didn't torture myself with pro-life literature. I felt then (and now) that so early on I was dealing with cells that had the potential for life and not life itself. I certainly knew that the idea that the idea the foetus would be in pain (brain/nervous system not sufficiently developed) was utter rubbish.

The day of the procedure was emotionally tough but physically pretty straightforward. DH was a rock throughout and made clear if I wanted to change my mind at any point we would find a way to make it work - however tough.

Afterwards I actually felt relieved because the decision really was made now and whilst the sadness was there, my angst over what to do was over.

Each week I felt better and better and at 10 years on I can honestly say I don't regret it. I know I did the right thing for me and my family.

Bluntly I barely even think about it.

whatever you decide.

There is nothing wrong with valuing your own needs just as much as anybody else's and more than an early pregnancy.
If anything women so often are socialised and 'trained' to put their own needs behind everybody else's and an unwanted pregnancy resulting in a termination is thankfully a safe and available choice in this country.

We should never take this for granted.

Justme, the simple fact that you are sad and upset about this, suggests to me that you are a thoughtful human being. Make whatever is the right decision for you and once the decision is made, embrace it and live contently with it.
I think as a society talking about resentment generated by unbidden feelings about unwanted children remains one of the last, but must rigid taboos - there are emotional risks with ending an unwanted pregnancy and with continuing one.

I'm another one that's been in your situation. It was an utter shock - the last thing I expected was to be pregnant at forty effing seven.

Like you, we thought about it incredibly carefully - it wasn't a rash decision to terminate, and we have our reasons for doing so.

What surprised me is that it's not a black and white decision - I felt (and still feel) a range of emotions. I was relieved once it was all over, but equally felt sad and somewhat guilty. However, I am still certain that we did make the right decision in the end. It's all very strange - like a decision all blurred around the edges with no straight lines. I've stopped trying to put it all into a single box - I think I'll have to make do with several!

It's an incredibly hard decision to make but ultimately you'll make the right one for you and your family. Hugs

Hi op. I had a medical termination last year for similar reasons. At the time it was grim but in hindsight I got over it quite quickly and moved on. The thing I was most worried about was getting the kids to the theatre a few days later - once the nurse told me I would manage it it was easier. I cried buckets in the clinic don't get me wrong it was awful and dp spent the night nursing dd2 who was puking. 7 months on I don't feel much about it and that's not what I expected at all

NorthernLurker No, it was not an attempt to guilt-trip the OP! I'm not sure why you think that since I make myself clear in my post.

I didn't mention second-hand babygrows, either. I just said that if money is tight, babygrows exclusively are fine for the first year. And, as for many, finances can be a real concern, I don't think there's anything wrong with pointing out the possibility of buying second hand prams and cots etc (often immaculate). It's a bit odd of you to
In the case of an unexpected pregnancy, women are often overwhelmed on several fronts (emotionally, financially, mentally, practically), are they not? I was making a smilar point when I asked if family could be on hand to help the OP out with childcare. I was trying to convey to the OP that if she wants to continue with the pregnancy, there's usually a way forward.
I also don't think there is anything wrong with taking the feelings of your existing children into consideration, though I'm not suggesting she consults with them...
You can say that Justme84 is sure and is not acting impulsively but it doesn't read that way to me. She talks about going round and round in circles and coming to the same conclusion. She may come to the same conclusion , but, to me at least, if she were sure and settled on her decision, that would be it. She likely wouldn't even be on here asking for advice. Also, she's six weeks pregnant and has only known for ten days, has discussed it with her husband, has been for one consultation and is booked in for termination this thursday and you don't think that's, in a sense, impulsive? Finding ten days ago to a termination on Thursday seems pretty much like a knee-jerk reaction, and very fast-moving.
I don't think there's anything wrong with pointing out that 6 weeks is very early on, she's only known for ten days, doesn't sound 100% convinced (not to me, anyway, reading between the lines of posts) and can afford some more time to evaluate and be as close to 100% sure as she can be, one way or the other. Justme1984 might end up terminating but it's best to be as sure as possible, since, obviously, you can't un-terminate.

I tried to be kind and helpful to the OP and I think it's pretty shitty to cherry pick from my post and imply I'm somehow trying to influence the OP to keep the baby.
Nevermind, I expected it, I suppose.

*it's a bit odd of you to break down my attempt at helpful suggestions to a snarky comment about babygrows.
Also, there's nothing wrong with delaying education/ career for a couple of years (esp at 32!) if OP is thinking a baby will forever end her prospects or desire to pursue a career.

You are not a monster! You are facing a difficult dilemma and perhaps seeing a counsellor might help. Please be aware that many women who make reasoned decisions to terminate may still have feelings of guilt and distress after the event. I worked in this field many years ago and this was a common reaction that you may need support to work through. Good luck with this difficult problem.

I'm so sad for you, this is an awful thing to go through.
Having said that I had two terminations (I have one child already) years ago and felt nothing but utter relief.
Having another child would have killed me and DP at the time lied to me, said he was infertile because he wanted a baby.
It doesn't even look like a human being at 6 weeks, just a kind of tadpole, it is unformed potential.
I never looked back afterwards, I left that man and got on with my life.

I have considered every aspect. The house that we are just about to complete on would be unaffordable in the long term as it is reliant on me graduating ( I have a job lined up already) the next 12 months are going to be tight as it is and we are bridging the gap until I graduate with equity made on our last house.
To then think of another 12 /18 months without me earning and having extra childcare to pay are unachievable and my children will suffer.

I know in black and white it's delaying my career by another couple of years and that doesn't seem so bad... but I've already put it on the back burner 10 years and I didn't mind that as it's what I chose to do then. I enjoyed my time being a stay at home mum. I don't want that anymore not for any of us.

I know that babies aren't particularly expensive. I still have all the baby clothes in the loft that I couldn't bear to part with but it's the bigger impact.
My parents are in their 60's and live 20 miles away. They both still work full time and while they help me with my children now I don't feel it wouldnt be fair to ask them to help me with a baby or an energetic toddler.

I have found the degree so far to be very trying. And that is with 2 older children who understand mummy needs to look at this book for half an hour etc. Throw a baby into the mix and I genuinely don't think I could cope. I'm not even certain I would go back to it after a break. I feel like it would be too hard to get back into for me. I'm so close to the finish line right now.

I have a 7 month old nephew who I love with all of my heart and I love watching him for an hour or 2. I also love giving him back to his mum. I really don't feel any desire to add to my family. I started young for this reason. I am now still young myself and about to start the career I have always wanted without worrying about a career break to start a family. I chose this way because is suited me but it would seem that I couldn't even do that in a straightforward way.
This is not in a choice I have made on impulse. It's what I know is right. That doesn't mean to say it is going to be easy. It is going to be very hard.
I have always been very pro-choice l. However, I never dreamt I would find myself in this position. Perhaps I should have been sterilsed. I am almost certain that there isn't a woman alive who has had to go through this that relishes the thought and doesn't have one hint of what if before. It's surely the process one has to go through to get to the answer.

Years ago I had a termination after birth control failure. Making the decision was the hardest part but I have never regretted it, and I felt so much better afterwards. If I had known then what I know now I think it would not have been half as agonising.
Good luck to you. This is the hard part, it will get better.

Op, I've had a termination, and like many pps it was when I already had dc and was quite sure I didn't want any more. It was an awful decision to make but I soon realised I didn't want to have to go through with the procedure, but equally I didn't want a baby. The thought of the process scared me, I wanted the baby gone without actually having to have a termination if that makes any sense at all. But it was one day out of my life, compared to an enormous, life long commitment and actually, k was so well looked after by everyone at the hospital that I needn't have worried. It was all very matter of fact and there really was no need for me to have felt any shame. I still don't regret my decision 3 years later, despite losing a much wanted baby last year. My point being, this doesn't have to be the very last say in your baby making days. It's perfectly ok to terminate now and go on to have a baby in the future if you feel you want to.

You don't have to justify whatever decision you make in the end - not to us, not to anybody

To the lady that thinks I am being impulsive. It may appear that way but for me timing is the key. I need to do this VERY early on to make the process easier for me to deal with emotionally.

I guess everyone has a cut off and I have mine. Despite being pro choice.

It really isn't a knee-jerk reaction. My initial knee-jerk reaction was to run away. This choice has been made by both me and my husband sitting and discussing the pros and the cons.
I am sure. I feel guilty yes but I am more than sure.

I never, ever envisaged myself where I am today and it is utterly soul destroying. Not because deep down I would like to keep the baby... but because I really would rather have not made a choice like this.

OP it's really clear this isn't an impulse decision. Please ignore that posters attempts at being 'helpful'.
The aspect of pregnancy choices that people often don't talk about is that it's not that there's a right and a wrong choice. There's a choice that's tough and another choice that's tough. It's about opting for least bad option and that sounds exactly like where you've got to with this.

OP, I hear you. My feelings were very similar. It's clear to me that you've thought this through. You haven't been impulsive in the slightest.

Really agreeing with pacificdogwood post x

Actually, on second thoughts, maybe being 'made' to justify yourself on here is maybe helpful to clarify your own feelings/reasons to yourself?
Either way, I hope this thread was something positive for you.