Disappointed with dd's dance exam result.

[User860131]

She's 6.5 and just had her result for grade 1 idst modern and got a low merit. This in itself I wouldn't be disappointed with. However she really practiced and seemed so confident. She seemed to be pulling all the right jazzy faces and have lots of energy etc and timing seemed good. She lost marks mostly on her set dances and 'sense of performance' and 'use of space' Tbh I'm worried that these are things that aren't really easy to fix or to explain to a young child especially when she seems to really be trying. She couldn't care less about the mark herself and is really happy to have passed. Obviously I'm happy if she's happy. However dancing is something she is probably going to get more and more serious about and I am really worried that the whole culture is just going to end up swallowing her whole and knocking her confidence. Is it really worth the time and money if a kid doesn't really have the aptitude for it? Are we better to cut our losses now? I hope I don't sound really awful saying this. It comes from a place of concern for my daughter and wanting to do what's right for her.

This is your issue @User860131 - you're the one making this not fun and needlessly dwelling on the result. She doesn't care, she's just having fun. It's all a process of learning and being in the moment, it doesn't need to be leading anywhere. Your attitude to the teachers and dance school, implying that they don't deserve the fees, also sucks and will be picked up by the teachers.

My DD did ballroom and Latin and really enjoyed the dancing and the other kids. When we got to competition my eyes were opened. You only got anywhere if you had the right dress and were with the right dance company. So we went to competitions for a nice day out and to look at the well dressed couples, but it was never something we took seriously.

I think OP you need to think about why you're choosing to think this way, this isn't about your daughter (you've even told us that) it's about you.

Sit with that. What does it bring up?

Be mindful that you don't have to be the best at something to just simply enjoy it, I have an autistic daughter (who happens to love dance is pretty good at it) but some weeks she can't go, she's tired overwhelmed. Other weeks she has the best time. Bizarrely she does exceptionally well at exams (when she wants to do them). You can't control everything.

It's amazing you're giving your daughter this opportunity. Just run with it.

Well I think it sucks that my 6 year old and I are spending a lot of time and money for her to be subtly told that she isn't as good or as valued as many of the other kids without any meaningful feedback as to why or how/if she can improve. I don't actually think that's much to ask. Easier for all if the parents just shut up and cough up their money though right?

Kindly OP it really sounds like your expectations were way off kilter.
You talk about her learning her dances to 'near perfection' in your eyes and it sounds like you were quietly expecting an incredible result, probably for her to score the highest mark. Millions of kids round the country enjoy dance and score ordinary marks in their exams, that's the norm? Don't lessen their achievement they will likely still become nice dancers with perseverance and maturity. Its not like hardly any are actually going to pursue it into adulthood so what does it matter anyway?

So much of dance is often some quite particular technique that as parents (not dance teachers!) we sometimes don't spot when our child actually isn't doing it perfectly. Timing, tiny things like exact positioning of their foot, head movements as well as arms and feet.

But honestly it does sound like you need a dose of realism. Over the years your child will be pitted against other kids plenty, for school show parts, in sport, in school tests and exams. Exceptional kids are just that, exceptional. The vast majority of kids are average and there's nothing wrong with that! Averagely talented, averagely sporty, averagely academic. And no doubt lovely kids who will go on to have perfectly nice normal lives!

@User860131

She got a merit!!!!!

Jesus Christ.

Don't spend the money if you're that bothered. Whip her out and teach her that if you're not the best at anything, don't bother.

There's a simple solution to your problem- ask them for feedback

🙄

Gosh, I would hate to have you as my mother

How does her age compare to the rest of the kids taking the exam? Is she a little younger? As if so this is probably why her mark is a little lower than some?
Also, which child do you think should have got lower than yours instead? They weren't all going to get the same mark, and I'm sure all worked hard to learn their steps.

Omg! I'm bowing out of this one

I'm sorry OP, but you are so wrong

Your poor daughter

"Good" and "valued" are entirely different things. You're the one conflating them.

Maybe she isn't as good as some of the others and never will be. That's fine. Nobody can be the best at everything. She got a perfectly good mark and is enjoying it. That is literally all there is to it.

Wind in your bitterness or you're just going to ruin your daughter's enjoyment by projecting your own issues on to it.

Lady I think you’ve been watching too much Dance Moms

My dd used to watch dance moms all the time. That never scarred her knowing she wasn’t in the same league as those girls.

These experiences, and how you support and guide her through them, are about nurturing resilience, which is fundamental to psychological stability and the ability to bounce back after challenges, setbacks and disappointments.

If you shield her from normal life experiences (however unfair they may be) she will find it harder to develop resilience.

This is a "you problem
It isn't "Dance Moms "
She's 6 and has a hobby she enjoys.

I've never understood the point of competitive dance (Irish dancing, the traditional kind, lovely, but days lost in dark & dusty halls), as I am not a dancer and that was not why my child went (she wasn't really either 😂), but that builds resilience. It's not good to always be successful. Sometimes a little participation in something that gives you joy for the sake of it, whilst experiencing not being the best (by a long shot) is really worth it. That's how I look back on those years and so does my DD - with pure joy. It gave her joy, fitness, the confidence to perform and to try and to fail and to be happy for someone else with grace. Those are all fantastic reasons to stay until she decides it has run its course. Don't let her see you are remotely bothered, let her see you be completely relaxed and overjoyed she is taking part. And she will improve. She may even really surprise you in time. Dancing is brilliant for the body & brain regardless of how 'good' or 'bad' others perceive you.

PS it is a money making thing of course, but everyone's got to survive and those that run it tend to be passionate... As long as they aren't so competitive they are unkind.

You’re conflating her being technically good at a hobby with her value (to who?) and that error of thinking means you’re taking a factual assessment as a personal attack.

Honestly OP, she’s six and it’s meant to be a fun hobby. Maybe she’ll carry it on throughout childhood, maybe be won’t. There’s plenty of others out there. Just take the pressure off.

You need a different dance school. Dd wasn’t great at dance but really enjoyed it and when she hit the 13 year old friendship issues stage having the dance girls as out of school friends got her through. She did dance all through the teen years gave up in gcse year. She passed grade 4 by one mark 😀. It’s not about how good you are you are totally missing the point.

You were given feedback; you were given the feedback on the exam report.

It may seem like it wasn’t particularly meaningful but my experience is that at this age they do tend to focus on positive feedback, since it’s only for fun and it’s supposed to be confidence-building.

My experience is also that teachers will remove children from an exam class if they don’t think that they will get to the required standard. They won’t just continue to take money from parents and waste everyone’s time. But your daughter clearly could get to an acceptable standard which is why she continued in the class. YOU are the only person here who doesn’t think that she got to an acceptable standard.

If you really believe "any serious dance school makes it clear who their favourites are", find a new dance school. My kids go to an excellent one which values dancing for all. Some of the kids are now excelling; many of the older ones go into professional training and positions. In over half of those cases, you could not tell at 6 who would go on to excel, there were no high scores in exams.

This is in contrast to a neighbouring dance school where indeed the kids are criticised and even pushed out by 7; several transfer over the years to ours. That school sends fewer dancers into a professional route, but sure, they get higher exam scores at low grades.

Don't put her in for the exams then?

Each and every sport will have those who are better than others.

Every. Single. One.

My ds is a swimmer. He started at 12yo squad swimming. There were 9/10yo in higher squads who were already county champions and children his age heading off to regional championships.

Roll on to now. He's national squad. Each and every swimmer in that squad does that same training and has the same opportunities. There are swimmers in his squad aiming to qualify for nationals and swimmers in his squad who are already British champions. Ds came 4th in a European championship. But only at the 1 stroke he excels at!

Roll back 8 years and he was the poorest swimmer is his age group as he started. Many of those who were county/regional/national champions by age 14 aren't even swimming anymore.

Any competition in sport will pit people against each other. Do you honestly think those who don't win medals at Olympics and world champs should have given up because compared to the next person they weren't good enough?

Seriously - give yourself a wobble. Let your DD enjoy dance if that's what she wants to do. If and when she doesn't let her try something different.

But you are seriously setting up for failure if you think every person who is being taught by the dance teacher you're paying will score top marks.

The same as every single student being taught by the same teacher will not get a grade 9 at gcse.

OP you’re really missing the fundamental point of children’s activities. It’s about fun, exercise, variety, friends, experiences different from normal school. Parents pay money and spend years going to shows/matches/competitions. Mostly they’re happy to do it, because it gets their kids off screens! Only a teeny tiny number of kids continue their hobby to a professional level. Most of them spend several years being average but having fun, before they move on. That doesn’t mean it’s not worth doing it at all.

Firstly, the children can't all be the best. Some are naturally going to be better than others. In this instance, your dd is not one of the best. So what? She can't be best at everything. She did her best, had fun and got a reasonable result.

Secondly, you haven't been told she's not as valued as others. That is all you deciding not being the best equals not as valued. That is a dreadful message to send your child. You also haven't even been told she hasn't done as well as others. You are either assuming that or you have been discussing results with others. You have received feedback. It doesn't mean much to you because you are not a dance teacher. The teacher will be able to see what needs work from the feedback. She/he will work on that in class and help your dd to improve.

I'm sure if you ask the teacher for feedback, they would be happy to explain the results to you. Most parents don't want detailed feedback as they trust the teacher, who is the professional, to know how best to use the results to help the child improve. In 14 years of dd doing dance with results ranging from merit to distinction,, I never asked the teacher to explain the result. I could see quite clearly she didn't do as well in x but did very well in y. I'm not a dance teacher so have no need or desire to know what exactly needs to be done to improve x. I simply said well done to dd and moved on.

The only person setting your dd up for failure here is you. You are telling her that doing her best and enjoying herself isn't enough and she has to be the best to be valued. I would suggest that you have a bit of a think as to why you feel that way and try and reframe your attitude before you destroy your dd's confidence.

We have no idea if she needs a new school. She hasn't shown any evidence of anyone other than her who is judging and devaluing her dd for not being the best. It reads to me that she is projecting her own issues on to the school.

If you know what grade other children got then yes that's a problem and the other parents need to shut up. If the school is announcing it then that is not good IMO. Either way, it's absolutely not a failing by your DD, she did brilliantly!