Disappointed with dd's dance exam result.

[User860131]

She's 6.5 and just had her result for grade 1 idst modern and got a low merit. This in itself I wouldn't be disappointed with. However she really practiced and seemed so confident. She seemed to be pulling all the right jazzy faces and have lots of energy etc and timing seemed good. She lost marks mostly on her set dances and 'sense of performance' and 'use of space' Tbh I'm worried that these are things that aren't really easy to fix or to explain to a young child especially when she seems to really be trying. She couldn't care less about the mark herself and is really happy to have passed. Obviously I'm happy if she's happy. However dancing is something she is probably going to get more and more serious about and I am really worried that the whole culture is just going to end up swallowing her whole and knocking her confidence. Is it really worth the time and money if a kid doesn't really have the aptitude for it? Are we better to cut our losses now? I hope I don't sound really awful saying this. It comes from a place of concern for my daughter and wanting to do what's right for her.

I would just let her enjoy having fun and doing something healthy. She doesn't need to be great at it - I don't see why kids have to be assessed and examined in things from so early on anyway.

@User860131 " I hope I don't sound really awful saying this."

Oh. I'm afraid you do.

She's 6. Please keep it fun and praise her, genuinely, for the effort she put in. She passed, she enjoys it. Anything else is your ambition not hers.

But what is the alternative OP? What would cut your losses even mean? She enjoys dancing so if you pull her out now what reason will you give her? If she enjoys it right now surely that's all that matters and if in the future it stops being fun she can leave?

It's the perfect opportunity to teach her that things can be done for fun and not because you're the best at it. She can learn that no matter how good you are there's always someone better. That in the end the race is only with yourself.

A mark on an exam is nowhere near as important as how she feels when dancing and if she enjoys it. If teachers show a preference for the best kids then so what? They're just people like her.

Her value as a person is not at all tied to whether some judges think she used the space well or not. At best the feedback is just direction to improve. Take what you can from it and leave the rest.

I know you'll be reading this thinking I'm being obtuse or unrealistic but it feels like you're projecting feelings you have and experiences from your own life. Some people really are confident and resilient enough that they can perceive the world this way.

Confidence doesn't come from being told how good you are by a dance teacher or getting the best marks. That's a very flimsy kind of confidence that can be taken away as easily as it is given. The intrinsic reward of doing something you enjoy can just be enough for some people.

If it stops being fun then she can do something else but why be so sure it's going to play out a certain way before it has?

If she wants to be healthy I wouldn’t suggest dance. I know a few ‘failed’ dancers and they are massively scarred

Life lessons!
She learns/you teach her ... that it is okay not to be the best at EVERYTHING in life.
That not being the best is okay.. the important thing is to enjoy and have fun... its a hobby.. not a career...
Learning this... resilience... will help her ALL her life... and kids these days need resilience...

yes, eventually she will discover she's not the centre of the world and everyone's favourite. The sooner the better frankly!

That's life. And an essential skill to become a bearable person.

Nellie Oleson was funny in a TV show, in real life she would be universally hated 😂

Have you personally had a bad experience in dance or something like it? There seems to be a lot of projection and catastrophising in your post.
Taking it at face value:

1. Lack of spatial awareness and set works is very common for very young children taking their first exams. The teacher will see those comments - and whatever has been written about her classmates - and will incorporate those learnings in to their lessons. So absolutely nothing to worry about right now.
2. If she was taking singing exams and the feedback was that she was completely tone deaf and couldn't get one note in time then that would be tricky. But she didn't have any negative feedback about her actual dance. The 'performance' comment is likely to be because she either made some teeny mistakes or because the examiner was looking for something neutral to say. Honestly, it isn't that deep at this stage and level.
3. Yes, some dance schools will play favourites. That isn't likely to start yet and they are much more likely to look favourably on kids who give everything a go and enjoy themselves and are teachable. She sounds like that.
4. A great teacher will bring out the best in every child. They can't do that if a parent is making the child doubt themselves.
5. If she is in a dance school that is very focused on festivals and competitions then she will soon be grouped with others of her standard and experience. If you genuinely feel she will be left out and made to feel like she is a terrible dancer then that is absolutely not the right school for her, or you.
6. She is 6. Gently, please let her enjoy herself and learn new things in a fun environment. That will build her confidence in itself.

She's 6.5 and she is happy. Honestly do not be one of those parents.

My son did ballet and tap from 3-8. He wasn't particularly good but enjoyed it. And I wanted him to do it because as a family none of us are great at sport and dance helps build strength, flexibility, team work and so on. Anyway at 8 it all got a bit more technical and he asked to swap to Saturday theatre school instead. And that's been fine too. I wouldn't over think it.

When she says

"Mummy, I dont enjoy dance as much any more because I'm not that good at it and everyone's better than me"

You say

"No problem darling. We can't all be good at everything. Would you like to stop dance now and do something different?"

Or you get her doing dance AND gym AND soccer AND....now, so dance is only a part of her extra curriculas

The only thing that is important is that she is getting exercise and enjoying it.
If the dance school is a particularly serious/competitive one that may not suit her, find one that is more relaxed(I have no idea about ballet so dont know what grade one or a low merit means).
None of my children will ever excel at any sport, but I have put considerable effort into finding clubs that can accommodate them/are less competitive. I don't believe there is a strong correlation between how much a child enjoys a sport and how good they are, as long as they are in the right environment.

Any half decent dance school will encourage children, regardless of ability, so long as they are trying and not being disruptive.

Dd did 14 years of ballet and 7 or 8 of modern. She was good, usually got a distinction in her exams but she was far from being the best. The best were selected to join a much more serious youth ballet group at around age 16 so very much a serious school.

There were two girls in her class who never did the exams after the first couple. They were not in any way talented but they loved it. The teachers treated them the exact same as all the others. Dd quit when she went to uni at 10, those two girls had left a year or two earlier when they hit exam years.

Let your dd enjoy it. If she works at it, she will become competent at a minimum. She may stick with it, she may find something else she prefers. My three dc were all doing activities they loved at 6 but had given up by 10 once they found the ones they were more passionate about.

You're massively over thinking. My 7 year old has her first ballet exam next month. It's a big dance school with many disciplines and some graduates into professional work.

I don't have any idea if DD is a "favourite". Nor will I give any concern if she gets a low exam mark. She's enjoying it now. I'm not wasting time worrying about what might be.

Let her enjoy it. Let her benefit from the exercise and the friendships that may be made or have been made.

My dd was disappointed by her grade 1 and she had tried so hard, lots of practice but I could see her natural body positioning just wasn't right and she had a long way to go to match the girls who just did the grade with no extra practice and got distinctions. My dd is totally motivated by the flashy badges and certificates so was gutted and it hit her badly that her friends got gold awards and she got a silver. Nothing we said helped. We left it another year but pulled her out and she now does a dance class that has no exams and focuses more on choreography so it's just fun and she loves it and loves the dance for the dance not the competitiveness, which I'm very glad about.

I also saw a nasty ballet culture already permeating the way the girls are asked to prepare, look and behave and found it very disconcerting.

She participated! And passed! She put effort in to it and enjoyed it. Hooray!!!

That’s literally the only thing she needs to know and the only thing you should focus on.

OP. I went dancing when I was little. I was shit at it but I love dancing. I couldn't have given a shit if everyone else was better or not. I just liked dancing. It hasn't dashed my confidence in any way. I still like dancing. It's a hobby. Also, children have got to realise that they can't be brilliant at everything they enjoy doing.

You have a problem ...it isn't your daughter or her exam mark.

If you are worried about impacting exam grades, find a dance school that doesn't do exams. Just do a Google search.

Kindly, few children are good at everything. Many children will pass courses (sports / academics) but not excel. It's still worthwhile doing things particularly if they are having fun!

I see your point. Many dance clubs are focused on performances and competitions, tend to take more and more time in a week and might be confidence shattering for those ones who put too much of their soul into it, but aren't the chosen ones.

You can monitor it for now, see how she thinks about it in the end of the year, and after, and make sure she does more things, so she have a choice when she is a bit older.

You're disappointed- she isn't.
She's 6, she's having fun, leave it at that.
If she starts to feel pressure and upset, pull her out, but whilst she's oblivious and enjoying herself, you are making a problem where there isn't one. You're going to project your feelings onto her if you continue, and that's what will knock her confidence.

I was a fairly mediocre dancer in the dance world, danced modern, tap and jazz until I was 16. It was GREAT life experience to be on the receiving end of criticism and some very strict, old fashioned dance teachers. I was very academically gifted and quite popular etc. so it was really good for me to discover there were things I wasn’t naturally talented at, and also learn that it’s okay to be only okay at something you love. I think it’s really healthy and as long as your kid is still enjoying it (which I was, despite the tears sometimes after a harsh lesson!) then you should continue.

So instead you're going to break her heart now and make yourself the evil villain and take away something she loves that makes her happy before you even know if there will be a problem? And the rest of her life she'll blame you for it rather than anything/anyone else?

Are you going to tell her to quit university if it looks like she won't get a first as well? Or to stop writing if it looks like she won't get a New York bestselling author title?

Lol. She's 6.5 @User860131 It's years too early to tell if she has any aptitude for dance and years to early to know if she'll care. Right now she wants to do it, let her do it.

It really is OK for kids to try dance/sport/art etc and come to realise that their aptitude has limits and that "talent isn't genius and hard work can't make it so". Most of us learn this lesson at some point whether it's not getting the lead in the play or not making the football team. Your job is not to shield her from it but to help her through it.