Disappointed with dd's dance exam result.

[User860131]

She's 6.5 and just had her result for grade 1 idst modern and got a low merit. This in itself I wouldn't be disappointed with. However she really practiced and seemed so confident. She seemed to be pulling all the right jazzy faces and have lots of energy etc and timing seemed good. She lost marks mostly on her set dances and 'sense of performance' and 'use of space' Tbh I'm worried that these are things that aren't really easy to fix or to explain to a young child especially when she seems to really be trying. She couldn't care less about the mark herself and is really happy to have passed. Obviously I'm happy if she's happy. However dancing is something she is probably going to get more and more serious about and I am really worried that the whole culture is just going to end up swallowing her whole and knocking her confidence. Is it really worth the time and money if a kid doesn't really have the aptitude for it? Are we better to cut our losses now? I hope I don't sound really awful saying this. It comes from a place of concern for my daughter and wanting to do what's right for her.

Not every dance school has favourites. I run a dance school and we have lots of girls who attend for years, often from age 3 until 18. The vast majority of children we teach aren't going to be professionals. They are just attending because they enjoy dancing. For some of these girls a Merit or even "just" a Pass is an amazing mark because they might not have the sort of feet etc that makes dance easy. But we are just as proud of those students as we are the ones with the "easier" physiques because of the dedication and hard work they've put in. I adore all my students and I'm so proud to watch them grow up into lovely young people. There are some ultra-competitive dance schools out there s stay away from those but please don't stop your daughter dancing if she enjoys it.

That exam mark and those comments do not indicate that a child “really doesn’t have aptitude” for dancing. The comments are fairly average for a child of that age and are things that are easily improved on as they get older and progress through the grades.

If it is a competitive studio where you feel that your daughter will be sidelined in favour of children who are more talented, then you can always go to a different dance school.

That was the case for my daughter; she was treated very badly by the head at one studio because other children were far more talented, and I eventually moved her to a different studio. And the thing is, the two studios are both quite similar in terms of standards achieved, it’s not like the first was amazing and the other is not; but the way they treat the children is worlds apart. I only wish I’d moved my daughter years before I did.

It’s all been an interesting experience for me because I used to dance too, and I thought that it was all about the training, I hadn’t considered that talent really came into it.

It's time to sit her down and have a serious conversation about her failures. at 6 years old, she needs to be giving 110%. If she can't knuckle down and improve her dancing and up her jazzy face game, then as a family it's time to go your separate ways. Enough is enough.

Dd never did well in Modern exams. She is very slight and the criteria favoured more athletic performances. Longer term she continued Ballet and Tap , with some Contemporary and Jazz along the way. As long as she enjoys it she can attend classes and perhaps not bother with exams.

This.

I danced from age 2 to 18. I was never particularly good but I enjoyed it. I never got more than a merit and even they were few and far between. Mostly just pass. I knew I wasn’t good. But I enjoyed it and that’s what mattered. The school never made me feel crap about it.
Both my kids now dance. One is excellent. Always gets distinctions. The other is like me. Not great but enjoys it. She gets merits and an occasional pass. They can both keep going until they don’t enjoy it anymore. Neither are going to be professional dancers. None of the kids I danced with became professional dancers either. It’s a hobby. It’s not a career

Isn't this the case with everything in life? You grow up and realise you're not that great, others are better than you and you either put in the work or give up.

May as well do nothing at all if you can't teach her resilience...or she could have a miserable life of trying and 'failing' as you would have it with a low merit.

OP, dance brings benefits throughout life: I am not a 'dancer' shape, but did ballet & other styles until the age of 11. I have found that having that brain-body connection (being able to listen to a verbal instruction or video, and mimic that with my own body) has helped me with learning other dance styles, in fitness classes, and when starting martial arts in later life.
I've encouraged my kids to take dance lessons - none of them will be good enough to make it a career, but they enjoy it, have made friends and learned lessons about resilience and perseverance.

Why will it necessarily knock her confidence?

I was in a brass orchestra as a kid, throughout primary school and well into secondary. For the first few years I was one of the better ones for my age but as the years progressed I was overtaken by lots of people. I could put the time and effort in but didn't have the natural talent for it that others had.

I knew I was never going to get the solos, or even be in the 1st trumpet group. Occasionally I wished I was better but why did it really matter. I enjoyed playing, I enjoyed hanging out with my mates, and there was other stuff in life I was good at.

Your daughter is 6, and she's enjoying dancing. Why would you take that away from her because of how you think she might feel in years to come?

This is projecting fears. My 16 yo dd has danced since she was about 5. She is by no means the best and wasn’t picked for anything special in the recent show dances. She never is. She’s had to pause dancing due to her health atm. However, she has absolutely loved it.

She dances at a very prestigious dance school, which just happens to be local and they’ve turned out a number of west end performers over the years. In her exams, she mostly gets merits with the odd distinction. Some of her friends practice at home and get distinctions. Dd does not. A few of them will go on to become professional.

Dancing at a school for the vast majority of the children isn’t about going on to have a career. It’s about fitness, camaraderie, discipline, learning to work as a team and a whole host of skills.

So put her in a less serious school?

She's 6 years old, she's enjoying it and the result doesn't matter to her in the slightest.

IF things change in the future, you address it then. She may start to excel at it as she gets older or she may wish to try something else.

Don't make issues for her when there are none. If you do, you will destroy her self confidence, not the dancing.

What makes you think it’s going to break her heart? She’s only 6 and only just started.

She’ll either love it and stay with dance for years or gradually be interested in other things. Your only job as a parent is to expose her to plenty of different things in the hope that one or two will provide her with fun, enjoyment and a few skills over the course of her childhood.

My DD has done dance, theatre, LAMDA, 2 instruments, gymnastics, riding, swimming and countless sports over the years. Despite enjoying it all at the time, now in her later teens it’s competitive team sports that she has ended up gravitating towards and being passionate about. There was no heartbreak at being mediocre at dance or even at letting go of actings despite having quite a bit of success.

You’re definitely over thinking this.

You're not meaning too but you are coming across as a pushy parent.

She is 6.

Her score on 1 exam at 6 doesn't define her, any future talent or any confidence she may or may not get or enjoyment.

I danced for 16 years. I never scored above that for modern or ballet. I knew I wouldn't and it's never bothered me as I loved it. And a lot of students scored the same. A few did really well.

I was really good at tap and got distinction equivalent. Same with jazz grades.

We all knew who was the a,asking dancers and some of them did get careers in dance as they wanted. The rest of us all have similar lives and none of it is based in our grades at dance school in the 90's!

OP this is the case for all extracurricular activities - dance, sport, music, drama, chess etc. In every class there’ll be some kids who become good and continue it into late teens. There’s a very very remote possibility that someone might make it their career. There’ll be other kids who aren’t very good but enjoy it so keep going. There’ll be others who aren’t very good and get bored and quit. That’s just the chance you take with all hobbies.

I would put her into a less 'serious' dance group. I was in one as a child and our main focus was putting on shows. Some of the children did examination for medals but not all, the emphasis was very much on fun. Do dance groups like that still exist?

Also, I wouldn't necessarily assume she will become serious about dance. I mean, she might, but LOTS of little girls go to dance classes but how many of them are still doing it at 16 or even 10?

I wouldn't assume she'll start taking it more seriously just because she enjoys it and is moderately good at it aged six.
It sounds like YOU want her to start taking it more seriously. I personally don't think six year olds should take anything especially seriously except road and stranger safety!

Maybe she isn’t particularly talented at dancing? Or maybe she will improve as she gets older.

I don’t think her confidence is the issue here, I think you are projecting. But if you really think a “serious” dance school won’t be a good fit for her because of favouritism you could move her to more of a triple threat stage school type programme at one of the big franchises.

My sister and I did dancing for years and were definitely not the favourites and definitely not especially good at it. It didn’t affect our confidence at all, although we were both very academic. We actually thought the whole thing was very funny.

This is lovely. Put her in this dance school 🙂.

But you ARE disappointed with a low merit regardless of the reasons!

If she's happy she passed and as long as she's made friends there then continue. Did you want her to dance professionally?

Most 6yr old boys think they are amazing at football. By the time they get to age 9 most of them realise they are not going to be the next Ronaldo. It is the way of the world.

Your daughter doesn't have to be the best thing since sliced bread. She doesn't need you to tell her that she is. We all get some disappointments in life, many of us also get some lucky breaks. You help your DC to cope with both, teach them to do their best and enjoy things they put effort into (whether or not they're great at that activity). You can find a less competitive dance school if you want. You can help your child realise that not being the best at one thing doesn't mean they're rubbish at everything.

She is going to sense what you sense because you are putting the idea in her mind. It is a valuable lesson to teach her that everyone has different strengths and doing things for enjoyment is also fine.

I have a child in upper primary who loves dance, has reasonable aptitude but I am under no illusion that she will fast tracked to a professional performer. She has scored high merits/low distinctions on multiple exams and fits in with the majority of the class, not the select few who are accelerated and I am delighted about it. I don't want her to lose the fun in dance, much happier she progresses slower, makes friends and gets exercise through something she loves. I will keep sending her for as long as she is happy going

For those that are chosen, the competition is fierce and it is a field which is hard to get a high income from. For this reason, I don't believe it is worth pursuing at the expense of all other hobbies

When she finally does realise that she isn't really valued in this hobby that she's put hours into it's going to confuse her and break her heart

How can you conclude this from one exam at age 6.5? It’s far too early to tell anything!

Sorry OP but you are massively projecting.
Dance is to be enjoyed, celebrated and... oh have I mentioned enjoyed?
I sped through ballet grades as a youngster, got to teens and hated every aspect of my body for a good few years. Learned tap and got my mojo back, returned to ballet from 16-23.
Love dance. It's a fantastic hobby. It's not a fantastic life choice where you are pushed to be the best. Largely this equals body dysmorphia, self-loathing and perfectionism.