Disappointed with dd's dance exam result.

[User860131]

She's 6.5 and just had her result for grade 1 idst modern and got a low merit. This in itself I wouldn't be disappointed with. However she really practiced and seemed so confident. She seemed to be pulling all the right jazzy faces and have lots of energy etc and timing seemed good. She lost marks mostly on her set dances and 'sense of performance' and 'use of space' Tbh I'm worried that these are things that aren't really easy to fix or to explain to a young child especially when she seems to really be trying. She couldn't care less about the mark herself and is really happy to have passed. Obviously I'm happy if she's happy. However dancing is something she is probably going to get more and more serious about and I am really worried that the whole culture is just going to end up swallowing her whole and knocking her confidence. Is it really worth the time and money if a kid doesn't really have the aptitude for it? Are we better to cut our losses now? I hope I don't sound really awful saying this. It comes from a place of concern for my daughter and wanting to do what's right for her.

You can't protect her from any potential upset or disappointment she may feel in the future. You'd have to basically stop her doing anything!

Right now she's enjoying herself and has done really well passing an exam at such a young age. The best way kids can be protected from feeling crap about this stuff is having a sensible non-pushy parent who's always in their corner cheering them on. As long as you've got that covered she'll be fine.

6 is really young for grade 1

A lot of dance is maturity, putting her in for exams young can often mean lower marks. Is she in a class with older girls?

You are projecting a lot op. Praise the merit, its a great result at so young. Don't assume she's going to be so serious about it remotely bothered she isn't "the best", most girls who take dance classes aren't.

Oh don't be so dramatic OP. This is a non problem. Encourage and praise her, and don't overthink the grades. Maybe she won't be the next Margot Fontaine, big deal.

Give your head a wobble.
My 3 daughters learnt instruments, did dance and gymnastics. They did Brownies and Guides.
They grew up happy and well adjusted having had a variety of things to do in their childhoods. They learnt how to make friends, put on shows, practice and work hard. They also realised that they were not going to be ballerinas or gymnasts and that was fine.

Also while some dance schools may have apparent "favourites" most don't, or if they do its not who you might expect.

The older girl who the teachers spoke most fondly of and praised at DDs dance school, was one who was not the most talented, but worked hard and gave a lot back - helped with little ones classes and supported some younger girls in a dance in the show, turned up to everything to cheer others on etc

She was a solid "merit/pass" girl but when she did the huge tap solo at 18 in the show it was genuinely bloody brilliant. She was obviously delighted to be doing it and gave it her all, it was a fab show.

DD1 got a merit in her ISTD grade 1 modern when she was 8 (covid set them all back 28 months!).She was only disappointed when she realised others got distinction on certificate day. All I did was to then congratulate her on all her hard work. When it came to her next exam, not only had she started to mature and genuinely realise what she needed to do to improve, but it also gave her the drive to practise every night. Her RAD grade 1 ballet is coming up and I don’t think she’ll get distinction as it doesn’t come as naturally. The only pressure she gets is from herself, all we do is encourage and praise!

ETA - have you also considered that she may have clammed up in the pressure of the exam once in the room compared to practising in the studio with her teacher that may have affected the marks in the areas you mentioned?

Dance schools often have a very toxic undercurrent. My son went to one as a three/four year old, where he was openly mocked by the woman who ran it. They made fun of him to other parents. He just wanted to go with his pals, who happened to be girls. Meanwhile, she’d pegged her favourites and ‘stars’, pitted the kids against each other and put them under pressure. At that age… god knows what happened to the older kids.

Some of the seasoned mums were battle worn and said ‘they’re all the same’.

Horrified.

The woman would bemoan the lack of male dancers in the older classes, which was hardly a fucking surprise with her attitude.

Get a grip. My daughter has been dancing for 15 years now, from the age of 3. She will happily tell me she isn't the best in the class; and her exam results have ranged from scraped a pass to very good. One girl in their class is way better than them and they all know it; but they are resilient enough to see this and understand that they can't all be the best.
During this time, she has danced in a West End Theatre, a professional performance, met professional ballet dancers and dance competitions. She's made good friends and it's been great to bring her confidence on; mainly it's taught her how to control her nerves. It's her hobby and exercise.
She merrily tells me she has good strength/ control but is terrible at leaps. She has strong powerful legs and dancing has given her discipline.
So....yes- you do sound awful for saying this. Let her enjoy it.

Op I think you have lost perspective, your Dd is 6 and is enjoying dance and has passed her exam, which is great. That's all that matters, please just let her enjoy it while she is innocent. I did ballet for 12 years as a child, my mother invested a huge amount of money and time into it as it was her dream but not mine. I loved it at first but by 15 I hated it as the pressure was awful, 6 days a week, at the studio for hours, driving all over the place for competitions or performances, my feet are permanently damaged, my self esteem has never recovered and my relationship with food is unhealthy. Dance studios that are competitive can be brutal on young girls

It's not so much the result. The result is fine. It's the powerlessness you feel as a parent. It's my child being judged and it being decided that she isn't as good as the child next to her for reasons that you can't really work out. It's the fact that she appeared to me to learn the dances to near perfection so I now feel powerless to help her improve. It's the fact that you pay these dance teachers a damned fortune to teach your child and yet you get no real feedback on how they're doing or what they should work on and no real idea of what's going on in the lessons. In fact these exams are basically the only objective feedback of their progress you get and it's a bunch of crap. You pay another fortune to let an examiner tick a box with literally nothing else to back it up (in my music exams we at least got a few words about what we did well and what we could improve) I don't really have any desire to allow my dd to go through such judgement again and especially not once she and her dance friends are old enough to start comparing results. I guess I can't really shelter from that though. I made the choice for her to learn dancing. She wants to continue so I'm just going to have to support her through it. It might sound like I'm being awful about her but I genuinely think she's the most awesome kid ever so I'll concentrate on letting her know that and hopefully it's enough

@User860131 i don’t know if you saw my post but honestly, I’ve been there as the kid in this scenario and I think it’s really good for kids (who enjoy it) to have these experiences. As long as she’s loved and doing well at other things too it’s not going to damage her, it’ll just teach her she can’t always be the best at everything which is good for kids as they grow! I wouldn’t worry so much, the fact that you are shows she’ll be supported.

Dance exams are mental, unless the kids wants to be professional dancer or get into a dance school what is the point? Money making exercise. Sorry I don’t have advice but the moment she’s sad about it, try a new hobby.

It's meant to be fun.
It doesn't matter if she's not amazing at it. It's a hobby. You need to really think about why you're reacting like this. This is not a big deal.

Wow.

How little respect can you have for your child...the only person telling her she isn't good enough is you.

As for your later comments about the dance teachers and the school...so them a favour and remove your kid because they do not need parents like you around.

Dance exams are hard, even the best don't always excel. Depending on the dance genre and board there are questions as well as the dance itself. The criteria is hard, not every kid is going to get top marks but a low merit is still a great mark. It is above a simple pass. Which is still good.

Have you spoken to the dancer teacher and asked her to explain the lost marks and if the issues can be resolved. Forgive me but I can't make out from your post whether you have done this. You don't have to be a "dance mom" to ask the teacher questions, she should be happy to explain it all to you

You’re really going way over the top OP. Your daughter isn’t going to be a professional dancer, any more than my DS will be a professional footballer. She’s enjoying it. But if you’re thinking in terms of a return on your investment, then you’re wasting your time. Your DD will dance for some years, she’ll be better than some people but worse than others, she’ll take a few exams, perform in some shows, and then eventually she’ll quit. That’s what kids do.

That has to be the best description of kids' activities I have ever seen😀

OP,
you are being too intense. Yes your DD will likely be not the best dancer in her class or school but so what, it’s a hobby she enjoys, she isn’t dreaming of joining the royal ballet.

Your DD is going to face the situation eventually where another child, or children will be better than her at something. Dance, maths, science,….

Your job is to teach her the difference between valued/good enough and the best/star. Getting the grade on the first try is phenomenal. It’s better than ‘good enough’.

A person can have confidence and feel proud even if they are not the #1 or even top 10 in something.

You need to stop pressuring her- because that is where this anxious concern will lead to. Nothing she does will be good enough unless she is the best and you will push her thinking if she’s at the top, she will be safe from disappointment and envy.

She’s put hours into dancing, she enjoys it, she got the grade celebrate and stop nitpicking her. Think of the grades like belts in martial arts, they don’t do merits or whatever, if you pass the exam you’re a red belt….if you don’t pass the exam, no biggie you keep working and you will eventually pass. Some people just have to work harder than others at something. There will be kids who have to work harder than your DD to get to the same grade she is at. That’s life, we all have things that are easy for us and hard for us.

This is what she needs to learn.

In fact these exams are basically the only objective feedback..
Dance exams are not objective. I danced for over twenty years in a professional troupe (as a hobby), while a pass was mostly objective in that there is an agreed on standard, the higher marks are very subjective.

so I'll concentrate on letting her know that and hopefully it's enough

It will be for now. She's so young that your opinion is all the really matters now

It won't always be enough and that's how life works

Surely you know this? From your own experience of life?

Surely you know that your daughter won't always believe you and that there will be (many) times in the future in many situations where she'll realise that she's not good enough and not as good as others at some/many things

Surely you know this?

And your job as a parent is to teach her self belief, self worth and an unwavering understanding/knowing that she's powerful and strong and that not being as good as others at certain things, never detracts from who she truly is

You know this, right?

Therefore, with respect, your hand wringing about a grade 1 ballet exam result is the absolute antithesis of what you SHOULD be doing and thinking

Imo

This is accurate.

OP your child is more resilient than you think. She might get fed up and a bit disappointed if she doesn’t get the grades she thinks she deserves but she’ll most likely just get bored before this point or just quit doing it. It won’t scar her for life. Just be positive.

With respect OP, your daughter isn't you. My mum always got so down about other people's expectations and yet I did my own thing as a kid and didn't care whatsoever.

There's no guarantee this will bother her at all. In fact it's encouraging she doesn't care at six, as some kids would already be bothered by not getting the top mark. It seems like she's happy, easy going - as long as you manage your own emotions and don't put your disappointment on her she'll be totally fine.

I don't understand what you're worried about? Are you upset she didn't get a top mark and trying to pretend your emotions are about something more palatable?

Good grief, why the need to optimise hobbies? She's 6. Do the dance until it stops being fun, then stop with the bloody grades and join a more relaxed dance club that's just for fun. Or do a different hobby.

Jazzy faces?

Do you want her to be a prodigy from day one?

Wtf. She's 6. Get a grip.

My god, woman, you seriously need to get a grip. She's a six year old doing a fun hobby. Save your stress for her GCSEs, which will actually affect her future.