When DC just aren't talented at....anything

[Pullinghair]

Hear me out before you all flame me alive. I love my kids and try to instill every good thing in them and give them all the opportunities I never had as a kid but still i sit here regularly wondering where I've gone wrong or not done things right.

1st dd 12. Amazing, kind caring. But always been not confident and had really strong personality friends who have dominated over her until this yr where she now has none at all. I've tried loads. When younger age she did swimming age 3-5 ( stopped when she still couldn't do a basic width or keep afloat after 2 yrs of expensive lessons) Gymnastics ( once a week since aged 4 but never selected for comps or anything extra, seems to go largely unnoticed in classes) , extra language. Violin ( aged 7- 11) stopped at grade 1 last yr because she just wasn't progressing enough after years of playing to get to grade 2 the next year. She does netball now but still just seems to be on the periphery of stuff. All things she likes, I ask her every term if she'd like to change or try something different it's always a no she's happy. But I'm soo sad but try not to show it. Friends/ family kids have got medals, seems to be in competition teams, trophies for all sorts or progressing and enjoying their hobbies in general. Mine literally couldn't give a crap and doesn't want to explore other options to develop an interest in something. What am I doing wrong!? Why after years of paying out for hobbies left right and center has it not made 1 dot of difference to her confidence and if anything made it worse because she never has anything to show for the effort she puts in.

Dd2 loves her hobbies similar to dd1 but she too never has got medals, certificates of progression or anything to recognise they've been doing something for x amount of years and got nothing to show for it. to make it worse is generally forgotten about and recently despite me asking her teacher for something she can take part in was sidelined and not even considered in favour of another friend.

Is this just how it is? What am I doing wrong

I think sticking with things and going to every lesson and practicing what they learned each day, everyday for at least 20-30 minutes

Especially learning a musical instrument

It can take quite a bit of time to get good at something and that progression will be very very slow at the start and will pick up speed
as they get older.

I get the impression that you have pulled dd out of activities because of her lack of progress and to infer that to a child could damage her self esteem and confidence. It doesn’t then make her want to do anything else because if she likes doing it but doesn’t make progress you will pull her out of that class as well

It is hard work going to activities but it is something you do to give them opportunities and build their confidence.

In theory, yes, but in practical terms they're rarely taken into account. For starters, not all Universities offers are points based, and when they are they they tend to put limits on where they come from. For example, my elder son had points based offers for a STEM degree but the conditions were that they couldn't come from more than 4 academic qualifications one of which had to be maths A level. They weren't interested in the points from his grade 8 piano!
And even if you're doing a related course it doesn't necessarily help either. If you're doing a performance based degree admission is generally almost entirely dependent on your audition performance. The admissions criteria often state that you need to be performing at or above a certain exam level (usually Intermediate for dance) but you don't actually have to have done the exams and results are rarely taken into account in selection.
Not that I'm saying there's no value to such activities, far from it. I'm a great believer in the benefits of performing arts and I think there's a lot to be said for following a structured syllabus. But it would be unwise to encourage a child to take dance/drama/music etc exams with the expectation that the points are going to be beneficial for University entry as in most cases they won't be.

I remember reading something recently about how the expectation that we have to be good or excellent at something to do it, essentially destroys our ability to have hobbies for the joy of it.
That people need to be creative and do lots of different things to feel good and fulfilled but the expectation of excellence has inhibited our confidence in trying.
I had a parent who didn't think we should do anything unless we were excellent, and that has meant that it's taken me years and years to unpack that and just do things for the joy of it.

As a child, I had friends, but was never picked for sports etc. I didn't have great motor skills, learned to swim (badly) at about nine, then due to ear problems didn't swim for a while and then just sank the next time I tried! I went to lessons as an adult and learned the basics. Some people are just not very buoyant. There was one guy at my adult lessons who could swim very nicely under water! But sadly for him, never on the surface. It really hasn't affected my life hugely, I just stay out of deep water.

I do wonder whether being in group activities is making your dcs less confident if they are on the margins. Maybe your elder dd would be better doing more solitary things for a while and finding out what interests her. Could be coding, drawing, using a telescope and learning about the night sky, anything really. We all develop throughout life and I have only just learned to draw well and sing passably in my 50s. She doesn't have to learn everything in childhood.

I get that you are worried about her lack of friendship. Sadly, that can't be forced and she will find her tribe eventually. She sounds like a good, kind person and she may be more mature than others.

Thank you all so much for the points it's really helped me think of some things that I hadn't before in terms of how the way I'm looking at it all is maybe not the right way.

To answer some points raised :-

• I was one of many and we were not well off. This meant no extra clubs for us to pursue hobbies as a kid at all. I read ,still do as that was free practically lived in a library after school , threw myself into my studies, and only later as an adult have developed some hobbies now i can afford it. As a kid these extra things just weren't an option because of money/ circumstances at the time. I did find the free sports at school and free instruments on offer when they were available.
• dh is opposite very sporty since little and takes the girls to all sorts in his time off, we bike ride, always out in the park if weather allows playing football/ frisbee
• At home ill bake with them ( i have younger kids too so this is less at the moment) read, crafts which we all love and generally ill always make sure they get quiet time to do their own thing not just the activities we're at.
• we only recently gave her a phone when dd1 started yr 7 and at the same time purchased the Nintendo switch which they only have 2 games for atm and very limited time ( think 20 min every week each, sometimes more if i feel generous) but they love minecraft. They aren't connected to the Internet on it though so no playing with others just themselves.
• violin, I used to ask her to practice, her teacher used to say she needed practice to progress, so she practiced for grade 1 and loved it for a few weeks as she could see she was getting somewhere but then tapered off. I told her she practices otherwise I pull her out. She didn't practice but at the same time used to say she liked still doing it so we kept going. But finances are not indefinite and I pulled her out on the understanding that if i saw her practicing herself at home I'd get her slot back but she hasn't and if anything doesn't seem that bothered when i ask her now if she'd like to re join. I don't know what else to do for those that said I pulled her out to early for violin. She picks it up now and then but not regularly.

-dd2 I think I'll get her back into piano as she loved it but I needed to stop for abit due to costs but thinking about it she needs to go back into that as she liked playing it and has shown more enthusiasm for it than dd1 and violin.

• a few of you have mentioned horses- I've asked both dd's about this a few times but they're not interested, won't even go for a trial day. It's also a matter of what to drop to take on more as everytime i check in on them re clubs they're adamant they want to continue what they're doing.

I do also think the friendship thing for dd1 has me stressed out- at primary I could help because I knew the other mums- I'd set up playdates etc but secondary is a different story- i am very much in the dark with other parents yet , we don't pick/ drop etc and no way to instigate that kind of stuff anymore, plus it's a weird age where I can't get involved it'll be even more awkward for her. I do realise this bit she needs to figure out herself with support only- but seeing friendships unravel around her is hard.

Regarding your dds violin practice. I can understand her feelings having gone through something similar at 14.

I would have loved to have carried on with the piano. But I found trying to practice was hard because unknown to me at the time I didn’t realise that I had ADHD and my brain was never quiet to actually concentrate on practice. I could never understand why others found it so easy.

My son was very much a loner through lower and middle school. When he started at upper school he made a few more friends, college a few more and he’s now at university. He has made a few more friends but not many. I used to worry like crazy as he wasn’t interested in clubs or hobbies except for cars. He loves them! A couple of years ago, he told us that he was gay. He now has a boyfriend, who is lovely, he is really enjoying uni and I’m now chilled as he is happy. If you had told me when he was 11/12 that at 21 he’d be at university and have a partner, I wouldn’t have believed it.

You really don’t need to fret, they make their own way, as parents we hold their hands until they are confident enough to let go. Clubs, hobbies etc are just a relaxation for the kids. Let them do what they want, even if they aren’t very good at it. It’ll all work out in the end, you’ll see.

Music, drama and sport are all performative/competitive. I see you are trying to give her what you were missing, but not everyone thrives at this kind of hobbies.

How good are they with non-structured time? Keen readers? Do they have some "natural" hobby inclinations? Crafting, observing insects, writing fanfiction, baking, ...

Music, drama and sport are all performative/competitive.

They don't have to be. My jazz ensemble doesn't compete, even though brass bands (as in the film Brassed Off) often do.

Couch to 5k is sport.

Yes, but I was talking about children's clubs. Very often, there is a strong element of evaluation - see the OP - (not) getting to better swimming class, (not) being selected for competition in gymnastics, progressing to next grade in violin.
Finding a "for fun" kind of club for kids is much harder than finding one with the competition/evaluation mindset.

It sounds that the OP's children are good at being happy and a bit middle of the pack.
My suggestion is to look at their other hobbies, those which doesn't come as club or typical extracurricular, but are equally valuable.
Some children are good at looking after growing stuff, either gardening or microgreens. Some are incredibly patient and detail oriented, and can create things, be it a broche from beeds or a paper-technique animation. Some find their tribe through fan art.

Maybe it wouldn't work for the OP's children, and maybe there are already showing talent and interest in some other direction.

@Pullinghair On the swimming front it is ALMOST impossible to make any progress at anything by doing it for 30 mins once a week. If we looked at the English alphabet and tried to blend sounds once a week for 30 mins we would take literally years to read. I would take her swimming by yourself in the summer to the council pool- some daily practice will give her a boost.

With other things including and especially music, parents do have to be involved for kids to make progress. My son’s violin teachers insist we sit in on lessons, take videos/notes and somewhat supervise practice. This makes a huge difference to their progress.

Finally, they don’t have to excel at anything, they just have to make steady progress and for that they might need some help from you.

@Pullinghair I am relatively late to this, but I was like your DDs never set the world on fire in my hobbies. I didn't blossom till I hit the world of work and I am going to blow my on trumpet I am awesome at my job - this is my talent - I am good at all aspects of it client relations, the problem solving and the technical skills. Sometimes you have skills that just can't be seen as a child/teen.

Sounds like guides is just the right sort of thing for her. People tend to progress to patrol leader due to long service and desire as opposed to any specific talent and badges recognise that you were there the night they talked about semaphore or whatever. If she's not gelling with that perhaps scouts instead or woodcraft folk?

Otherwise niche things that are a bit different and have fewer people involved might help her find her tribe, like rspb or wildlife trust teen group. She won't win medals, but it doesn't sound as if that's upsetting her.

But if she's keen to continue current activities she might resent having to stop because she wasn't good enough. It might refrain the way she looks back at them in a negative way.

I wasn't talented at anything (except reading, like you) but I did some things for years and it helped my attitude to responsibilities and the wy I saw myself as a busy person. As an adult I can sort out some paperwork, do a big food shop and walk the neighbours dog on the same day without feeling stressed because I see myself as a busy active doer