When DC just aren't talented at....anything

[Pullinghair]

Hear me out before you all flame me alive. I love my kids and try to instill every good thing in them and give them all the opportunities I never had as a kid but still i sit here regularly wondering where I've gone wrong or not done things right.

1st dd 12. Amazing, kind caring. But always been not confident and had really strong personality friends who have dominated over her until this yr where she now has none at all. I've tried loads. When younger age she did swimming age 3-5 ( stopped when she still couldn't do a basic width or keep afloat after 2 yrs of expensive lessons) Gymnastics ( once a week since aged 4 but never selected for comps or anything extra, seems to go largely unnoticed in classes) , extra language. Violin ( aged 7- 11) stopped at grade 1 last yr because she just wasn't progressing enough after years of playing to get to grade 2 the next year. She does netball now but still just seems to be on the periphery of stuff. All things she likes, I ask her every term if she'd like to change or try something different it's always a no she's happy. But I'm soo sad but try not to show it. Friends/ family kids have got medals, seems to be in competition teams, trophies for all sorts or progressing and enjoying their hobbies in general. Mine literally couldn't give a crap and doesn't want to explore other options to develop an interest in something. What am I doing wrong!? Why after years of paying out for hobbies left right and center has it not made 1 dot of difference to her confidence and if anything made it worse because she never has anything to show for the effort she puts in.

Dd2 loves her hobbies similar to dd1 but she too never has got medals, certificates of progression or anything to recognise they've been doing something for x amount of years and got nothing to show for it. to make it worse is generally forgotten about and recently despite me asking her teacher for something she can take part in was sidelined and not even considered in favour of another friend.

Is this just how it is? What am I doing wrong

Erm honestly hobbies are supposed to be opportunities to meet new people, teamwork and socialise not necessarily about getting medals etc. Nobody is going to be interested in their lack of gymnastics medals when they’re trying to get their first job. If they’re happy going along to their hobbies that’s great. I’d say that was an achievement in itself especially if they haven’t been given much reward.

You're not doing anything wrong but it's completely normal and fine for you to feel this way.

Your DD's sound amazing. You have kind caring children. That is so much more important than winning awards and certificates. They will be learning a lot and benefitting from the activities they are doing. Just keep encouraging them as you are.

Maybe you could return to swimming, it really is a life skill and makes holidays, Saturdays with friends etc more fun. Sounds like violin was the wrong instrument to spark her passion, but music is never wasted. Maybe she'd like to try guitar or keyboard instead? Although you do have to practice to make any progress. Gymnastics is hard to do at a recreational level, would she enjoy archery or cadets or something a bit different? Not everyone has to like hobbies but it's nice to have something relaxing that isn't homework or TV. Crochet?

I ask her every term if she'd like to change or try something different it's always a no she's happy

They are happy. What else matters?

I know and if she'd made friends at any of them I'd have put that down in the win category but she hasn't at all for dd1. I don't know how to help her either. We did drama for abit to try build her confidence up but that was one club she begged me to stop so i did.

So we had a guitar in the house dd1 didn't touch it. Dd2 played piano and dd1 messed about abit on it at home but said no to lessons.
Dd1 also does guides and swimming again now. She has progressed up on her swim group but everything else is stagnant.

Dd2 still can't swim but I'm not giving up just yet as like you said it's a life skill and I just need to suck it up and pay put but she's been in a non swimmers group for over a year now and it's a painful watch every week!

You seem disappointed you don't get to have any "bragging " rights.

Some of the things you mention are concerning/sad like the lack of confidence/friends, but you still seem to come back to "where's my reward" for all of this?

Your kids having fun, enjoying themselves, learning new things(even at a basic level) was the reward. Maybe have a look at hobbies just for the sake of them rather than a lead to something , and they'll show some interest in new ones.

I had the opposite type of kid for years. She got noticed, asked to take part in this, go for her belt, go to that competition, sign up to that club , at which point she freaked out and completely lost interest in whatever the hobby was and quit. .

i was parented with the best of intentions, wanted me to have all the opportunities, undercurrent of disappointment that I was consistently very average at best at everything, and then wondered why I suffered with a crippling lack of self confidence and anxiety. Most people are pretty average. If your kids are kind, caring and trying their best at all these opportunities, you have a great deal to be proud of. Could you maybe work more with what you’ve got? Organise for them to help you with volunteering opportunities to celebrate their caring natures? Loads of parents stuck with ruthlessly self centred offspring would envy you what you have - and if you can celebrate your kids and make them feel you value them for who they are, the confidence and friendships will probably follow.

It's hard to keep clubs etc going past primary level if you are not particularly good at it.

I suspect though that you are focusing on the kids you know who are successful and not seeing the bigger group of kids who are like yours.

Be grateful you don't have to ferry them round to their activities or spend a fortune on kit etc.

Just let them be. Mine stopped classes for a few years then one took up rock climbing and the other did ballroom - their choices. They were both pretty decent at these but we all decided not to pursue competitively as they found it too stressful.

I think it's more I've tried everything yet still tonight we had a conversation with dd1 about how she feels like she got no friends despite trying everything. And I know it all ties back into this lack of confidence which I just don't know how to fix. She went from having a solid group, all be it really strong personalities that dominated her to changing schools and not fitting in anywhere. I thought clubs would give her this boost outside if school and friends but it's not turned out that way.

OMG, leave them be... I feel stressed out just reading it. These things are meant to be fun. Who needs to be "talented" at gymnastics or violin... These things are such niche interests in the grand scheme of adult life, there is so much else to enjoy.

My kids are like this, but at least yours do netball 😀
I've given them opportunities to try drama, dance, performing arts, craft making, gymnastics, netball, tennis, swimming and gymnastics, music lessons, the list is endless.

Some kids just are happy not doing any "activities", we have days out, meals out, holidays, experience days etc and that is enough for them.

If it's enough for them then that's fine by me.

Being content is a skill in itself and as long as they we happy then that's ok.

I know I make a big deal about how I'm so proud of their xyz characteristics and being decent kids. But I just feel like I've let them down somewhere and can't figure out quite what I've done wrong.

Specifically on the swimming, if budget allows I’d look at doing an intensive 1:1 course. Mine learnt to swim very quickly (1-2 weeks of 1 x 30min lesson per day, plus an hour or two splashing around) that way, whereas peers still couldn’t swim after two years of group lessons. Maybe that would give an emotional boost of achievement too?

Are your daughters Dyspraxic by any chance? Sounds like something of the traits, not excelling at sports etc my daughter is Dyspraxic and same situation with swimming, 2 full years and didn't get it until her brother taught her on our family holiday!! He's only 3 years older but pretty patient (at times!) and then she just 'got it'. She is very sociable but a lot of children with Dyspraxia can struggle in that area. Just something to think about...
If that's not a possibility I would just let them enjoy. Our neighbour kids don't do any activities at all, nothing. Its not a money issue, the mum just doesn't believe in creating a busy week for everyone. Her girls are just fine tbh although I do think personally they should have learned to swim.

Have you ruled out any physical reasons why D still can't swim How is her overall coordination? Can she reliably catch a ball and ride a bike? How is her handwriting? If any of those are off you could be looking at dyspraxia

I think you started groups too early and gave up too quickly. Group sessions don't work for lots of children 1:1 sessions to learn to swim. That then opens doors to diving club, canoeing, kayaking, paddle boarding and other water sports.

To develop friends at school and groups they have to spend time together outside the activity. Offer to pick X up from school. Offer to take Y and DD to the cinema before Z activity.

Try recreational groups rather than competitive ones so it doesn't det her confidence, so recreational tennis, taster ski sessions, rock climbing, girl guides. Or team sports like rugby, that becomes single sex from 11/12.

What do you do yourself to model persistence at activities and friendships?

I have 4 kids - now adults. All very different abilities
The oldest was dyspraxic / developmental coordination disorder and he struggled with all sports as a child/ teenager.
He did learn to swim (I rarely watched as I was often chasing a toddler around wherever the gallery was).
He was rubbish at football and tennis. But as an adult he now plays these sports socially and to a decent standard. His lack of coordination has improved and I think that’s partly because he did do them as a child, just because I thought they were good skills to learn.
He did suffer socially too as he was young for his class, and I do wish I had deferred him

But he’s an adult now and those uncertain, painful years are behind him and he’s doing fine.

My point is - learning skills is throughout life and even if she struggles now - one day it will click and that will give her a huge boost

@Pullinghair what year is she in now? Y8?

Are there any girls she talks to, even if not very close? Does she have a phone? Can you arrange some playdates (yes , I know it sounds bonkers at this age) ? Have people come over or take them into town for a bit of shopping etc? She might find it easier to develop friendships 1 2 1, rather than a big group.

I had to do it when DD was in y7 as all her primary friends dropped her in the summer holidays so we had to start fresh with the whole thing.

Mine didn’t do a thing past the usual goes at gymnastics, tennis etc.

My SS now is v sporty and I can see how great it is and the social and the team etc but mine just weren’t into it. Also could imagine if all 4 of them were mad into sports and activities. Expensive and exhausting.

Most kids are just average.

My DM was desperate for me to excel in something like sport or drama. I hated it all and it made me feel like a constant failure to her.

I just wanted to be left alone to read books. I wish she'd been proud of me for that, just for being myself. Why do children need to be forced to be something they're not. I always got the feeling my DM was disappointed that I didn't give her anything to show off over, even if I was just happy as I was.

People should accept their children for who they are even if it's not what you hoped for. They'll remember if you don't.

I think you sound more worried about her lack of friend group, which I understand. If she’s hurting about this then it’s hard to stay neutral as a parent. DD struggled in yr6 and it broke my heart for her.
Does she do clubs at school? I’m not sure what hobbies are most social but I’m sure people will have suggestions!

I did this one Easter and it was an eye watering amount in a private pool. They didn't get anywhere but seeing as though dd1 is now finally getting swimming abit I may try this again for dd2 to see if it gets her going.

I do not think you are doing anything wrong. As you say, you are giving them opportunities in life.
I would suggest you invest in hobbies they show an interest in. So, if music is not for your DD, do not stick to it for long. Change to other thing. Maybe art? Writting? Horse riding? What does she like? It is difficult to get it out of quiet kids, but maybe going different places for one or two hours will help to find the places they light up at. She will then find friends, in her own turf. I think she has not yet found it.
Some sport, like swimming, stick to it, because that is important indeed. To keep healthy and as a life skill.

Hobbies are meant to be fun. It's a way to keep fit or meet people. Very few will actually be any good.

What are you good at OP?

Just a thought, but maybe a sport which is more niche might appeal, easier to be a big fish in a small pond. Handball, softball, martial arts, indoor football....
One of mine did karate. Was very good at it, no competition from other kids at school to be top dog. Individual sports rather than team allow individual progress, too. A good club will aim to boost confidence.