When DC just aren't talented at....anything

[Pullinghair]

Hear me out before you all flame me alive. I love my kids and try to instill every good thing in them and give them all the opportunities I never had as a kid but still i sit here regularly wondering where I've gone wrong or not done things right.

1st dd 12. Amazing, kind caring. But always been not confident and had really strong personality friends who have dominated over her until this yr where she now has none at all. I've tried loads. When younger age she did swimming age 3-5 ( stopped when she still couldn't do a basic width or keep afloat after 2 yrs of expensive lessons) Gymnastics ( once a week since aged 4 but never selected for comps or anything extra, seems to go largely unnoticed in classes) , extra language. Violin ( aged 7- 11) stopped at grade 1 last yr because she just wasn't progressing enough after years of playing to get to grade 2 the next year. She does netball now but still just seems to be on the periphery of stuff. All things she likes, I ask her every term if she'd like to change or try something different it's always a no she's happy. But I'm soo sad but try not to show it. Friends/ family kids have got medals, seems to be in competition teams, trophies for all sorts or progressing and enjoying their hobbies in general. Mine literally couldn't give a crap and doesn't want to explore other options to develop an interest in something. What am I doing wrong!? Why after years of paying out for hobbies left right and center has it not made 1 dot of difference to her confidence and if anything made it worse because she never has anything to show for the effort she puts in.

Dd2 loves her hobbies similar to dd1 but she too never has got medals, certificates of progression or anything to recognise they've been doing something for x amount of years and got nothing to show for it. to make it worse is generally forgotten about and recently despite me asking her teacher for something she can take part in was sidelined and not even considered in favour of another friend.

Is this just how it is? What am I doing wrong

No I think there's a big different between facilitating and encouraging your child and being a full-on tiger mom. My DD could have probably done well enough at gymnastics but we ditched that as the ethos didn't sit well me* and she wasn't motivated enough to want to do it.

*gymnastic club ethos is not good.

If someone doesn't have a talent, you can't make them develop one. With enough practice they might be competent but not a patch on someone truly talented (I know talented people have to put in the graft too). Plenty of people aren't talented at anything. If everyone had a talent there would be nothing special about it.

Hobbies and activities should be things they enjoy and find fun. Some kids like being busier than others. Some love reading and arts and crafts at home and that's fine, it's still an activity.

My mum was obsessed with the idea that I needed lots of extra curricular activities that she was convinced I would continue to use and develop my whole life. There was piano, tennis coaching, skating, swimming, choir singing ...for years, bloody years. I was no good at any of it and not very interested either. One day she was having a go at me for my "defeatist" attitude and I asked what hobbies she had. She had to admit she didn't really have any.

Now I'm a grown up and I don't play any instruments, I don't do any sport (just some gym and dance classes for fun and fitness), can't cycle, only really swim on holiday (crap technique as hate my face in the water( and guess what, I'm happy. I'm also a partner in a law firm which is ok for someone whose mother thought no one would look at my cv without a long list of sporty hobbies! My husband doesn't have any hobbies except gardening. Lots of my friends don't either. It's really not that important. Your daughter is HAPPY, she told you so and that's brilliant.

If she's doing Guides, netball and swimming it doesn't sound all that bad. Guides is pretty varied and social. Does she go to a group with kids from school?

My DC don't particularly excel at their activities either. DS(10) is mad about football but is not a particularly strong player. DD(7) also plays football, but she is very hesitant and timid with it. She mainly does it because all her friends do, but I suspect competitive sport will not be a long term hobby for her. DD is progressing well at swimming, but it's been very slow with DS - 4 years and still only in stage 3. Both enjoy Cubs/Beavers for the social side. DD seems to be progressing well with piano so I hope she keeps that up. DS was quite good at it too when he tried it, but unfortunately he had zero interest.

My husband is a top climber ie written books and very well known in the climbing world. My children have never been interested ,husband just accepts that they have other interests,if anything his passion has deterred them .
He does have a yacht and one son does sail and gets involved in the round the island yacht race of the IOW.
Husband has friends who live locally and absolutely none of his friends children are interested.
Just and nurture their interests .

My DC have tried loads of different things. Different things have “stuck”… lots of things haven’t.

Mostly in my experience, clubs don’t lead to friendships. But they can enjoy the company in the activity itself.

I personally have preferred non-competitive sports and more community-based activities. Scouts, guides, army cadets, sea cadets or St John Ambulance cadets have worked well for mine and my friends’ children. My DD also loved a sewing class she did for a while.

Also various water sports (sailing, SUP, rowing, etc) can be great sports for “non sporty” kids. Once they’ve learnt to swim!!

Dont worry OP. They can’t all be superstars.

I think the most important thing is that your DCs are happy OP. Most children will not excel at their hobbies. If they are enjoying them and keeping their minds and bodies active then that's a win in my book. In fact having a child who is very good at something brings its own challenges and "elite" youth sport/performing arts etc can be very toxic environments that can be difficult to navigate - it's often not as great as it looks.
I do think it is a shame that their efforts aren't more recognised though. I coach a kids sport and my adult DD is a dance teacher and by coincidence we were talking about this sort of thing today. We were both in agreement about how important it is to recognise all our pupils and to praise effort, resilience* *etc as well as attainment. There's always a range of abilities in any club or class but in reality those who are genuinely talented are few and far between and it is the "ordinary" kids that are the backbone of the group usually. Reward schemes need to ensure that it isn't always the same few kids who get everything. I happen to have a few super talented kids in my coaching group at the moment including the current number 1 ranked competitor nationally for their age group but they get treated like anyone else at club sessions. I actually gave my student of the year award last year to a youngster with very ordinary attainment but an absolutely great attitude. I don't think I have ever coached a child in whom I couldn't find something to reward. I don't know the answer sorry but I do understand why you feel sad. Showing up regularly is credit worthy in its own right. As long as your DC aren't asking to stop something I'd keep going. They may bloom later, or develop other interests, and even if they don't, as long as they're getting something out of an activity it's still worthwhile.

I once read the best thing to wish for your child is that they are not exceptional at anything.You want a rounded normal individual. Being a child prodigy is a curse

It's a human feeling so no criticism here OP. It just sounds like the main source of the pressure you're feeling and putting on yourself and kids is because of the people around you. You sound in competition. It's hard not to if you're around ' winners ' regularly.

Your kids sound decent and they're happy. You just can't buy that.

My senses are going off slightly that something else may be going on. Not because they aren't winning medals btw. It's like you're assessing if there's something different or a need they may have and you can't figure it out. It's just the sense I have from your post. The teacher saying ' oh look they're academic' really doesn't answer the niggling questions you're having.

I really dislike the way schools often seem to favour the ' winners' and medal earners. I think that's typical. I still think my school PE teachers didn't even know my name but their heads were firmly up the arse of the leading sprinters and medal winners. Sometimes thst makes this more frustrating and an issue.

Absolutely, I was a non-sporty child who was forced to go to gymnastics, Brownies, etc etc (didn't mind swimming), when I would have loved to stay home and peacefully read books without being forced to socialise and do sporty things. My grandmother who brought us up had been a high level sportswoman and always made me feel a bit of a disappointment to her for not being sporty. Did not do my confidence any good.

If they are happy I wouldn’t be getting stressed about it but I will give my usual advice for kids that lack confidence and self esteem and that is to get them involved in horse riding . If they stick at it and you pick a school with a pony club centre or similar there is usually a bunch of like minded children to make friends with . Plus horses are the best confidence builders , they listen and they really help .

I'd personally tear my hair out if someone made me do violin for four years

I mean come on

The poor kid!

Just leave them be

Your kids don't need to excel at anything. It's perfectly ok to be average. The happiest people I know aren't necessarily the smartest or most talented, they're the ones who have found their niche and get pleasure out of worthwhile social interactions with others as well as doing their own thing. They don't need to impress others or justify their existence.

I think it’s worth pursuing trying to find just one hobby she enjoys. We tried loads with my DD and felt pretty exasperated until she tried climbing and is very good at it. She hasn’t made friends there and generally protests going every week but her self esteem and confidence in general has grown massively as a result. She hated swimming because of sensory overload at the pool and didn’t like any forced socialising with team sports or other sports clubs. I do think there’s something for everyone but you may need to look outside of mainstream sports that other kids enjoy which is absolutely fine.

I think everyone should have a) some activity that keeps them physically active b) some activity that gets them outdoors (obviously, sometimes a) and b) can actually be covered by the same activity) and c) something they can do indoor in crap weather that is not just staring at a screen - drawing, writing a diary, painting model figures, ukelele, what have you.

Provided those bases are covered, I don't think it matters whether they are passing "levels" or getting badges or whatever.

I think you can insist your children are involved in something outside school, but some people are not the competitive type.

I think you should take the pressure off your daughters, and yourself, to find something to be good at, to boost their self-confidence so they can make friends. They need to be able to make friends with kids who will accept them for who they are, and probably this will be quiter kids, so they're not going to be part of the "popular group", and you need to accept this for them. Your DD1 isn't likely to have a friendship similar to the outgoing confident girls in primary school, and you need to accept this.

I'm surprised that Guides isn't working out well for DD1 - it's usually focused on friendship, and there's such an array of activities that she should find something she enjoys. Maybe talk to the group leader about your concerns, and she can keep an eye on your DD, and encourage her to get involved.

I don't think you should keep asking them if they'd like to take up new hobbies - they can probably tell that you'd like them to say yes, so they'll feel they've dissapointed you by saying no

To get your younger DD swimming, I think you should be going swimming with her once a week, so she can practice and get more at ease in the water, rather than leaving it all to professional swimming teachers.

I think if you are looking for friendship groups for dd I think this is where you have to step in and make friends with other mums, who have dc of similar age and also other mums with older and younger dc.

I do think that when they get to senior school, that is when a lot of children either stop going to activities or ramp up the practice because they have their eye on incorporating their activity into their career or are working on competitions

I think leaving her to figures things out on her own is a way to watch her and see what sort of stuff she does enjoy..

I would also look around at what weekend job she can do either this year or next)
I think earning her own money will boost her self esteem and confidence.

Bit out there but could she have ADHD. If she has so much going on in her brain it could be the reason she has little interest in extra activities

How were you yourself at all these things growing up? How was your dh? Unfortunately most of us are just average so shouldn't be surprised with our average kids. My dh was exceptionally good at sport growing up, made all the teams, captain, medals etc but it hasn't made him any happier than me who was just average. I still play sport in my 60s and enjoy it while he has long given up as once the competitive edge went he lost interest. None of our dc were exceptional but they all play sport well into adulthood..mainly for fun and fitness.
Just accept your dd exactly as she is. As she enters teens maybe a youth group with no competitive element would suit her and hopefully she will make friends in Secondary where she will have more variety.

Most kids will not be getting awards or trophies in their extracurriculars but you should still encourage it for their personal development and try to be unbothered about their lack of achievements.

I agree with this. It's expensive in the short term, but way better value for money than years of group lessons!

I never did anything competitive outside school but did dance where you progress from grade to grade. I'm glad my parents didn't think in terms of competing with others, or that I had to have a talent, and just enjoying it.

It doesn’t matter!

They sound happy and have had lots of experiences. With kindness, pls be careful as it reads like the children are your trophies and the need for medals etc is what it’s all about for you. I’d be worried it might come across to the kids also.

t’s so destructive to be a child who isn’t getting medals and for it to be an issue. My sister was an excellent swimmer, gymnast and figure skater. She got so much praise. I enjoyed going to those classes but I was mediocre and never got medals. Hearing my mum talk about it with my sister was a knife through my heart. It felt like a judgement of me as a person. Consequently, I’ve never focused on that with my kids. My daughter returned to dance as a teenager after years away. She opted for the class where you don’t work through exams but just go for the love of dancing and to gain new experiences.

For me, swimming was the one thing they had to stick at, not for medals but for the fact it might save their lives one day. You are giving the girls lots of life experiences and that’s a wonderful thing. Pls be careful not to take the fun out of it for them by putting any pressure on.

I will add, I used to work with a woman who was a total jobsworth, always wanting to be the best at work and seeking lots of praise at the detriment of others. Bit of a pain in the arse. I went to her house one day at lunchtime and she not only had her medals displayed everywhere for her hobby but at the top of the stairs, outside the loo she had her degree and higher education certificates framed for all to see. It really made me laugh. Made me wonder about her childhood.

The Case Against Competition
By Alfie Kohn

‘Competition is to self-esteem as sugar is to teeth. Most people lose in most competitive encounters, and it’s obvious why that causes self-doubt. But even winning doesn’t build character; it just lets a child gloat temporarily. Studies have shown that feelings of self-worth become dependent on external sources of evaluation as a result of competition: Your value is defined by what you’ve done. Worse — you’re a good person in proportion to the number of people you’ve beaten.’

You're putting two issues together here.

Most children who move schools have trouble making friends - they are the newbie and the friendship groups are already established. Outside activities can help but they need to be stuff like guides or cubs where socialisation is part of the point.

Some extra curriculars aren't the sort of thing where you make friends. Swimming being an obvious example.

Most children who excel at something have parents who are helping them practice. They might be taking them swimming every weekend, or doing piano practice with them every day. If you want a child who excels you need to put in the hard graft.

Have you looked at dyspraxia? My eldest is 7 and can't swim after 2.5 years of bank breaking lessons. She also can't cycle yet. I'm getting her assessed because it's important to know - is it worth you considering?

Some kids just aren't into sport/music etc and tbh there aren't loads of extra curricular options outside that. She'll find her thing.

12 is a crap age for friends. It will shake out.

My now adult children were introduced to a lot of stuff when they were kids. It was nothing to do with medals/status etc (although that would've been great) it was predominantly about the camaraderie of being and sharing in a group/team.

My DS tried so many things, I was waiting for him to say to me "mum
I really enjoyed that" OR watching him enjoy it OR him looking forward to going to it. Sadly I never got what I was looking for. He's never had a hobby he enjoys, and that was the only thing I wanted from it for him. He is an adult (27) and has no hobbies or interests at all😔. Be glad your DC are happy to go.

But I do also understand how you feel too.