When DC just aren't talented at....anything

[Pullinghair]

Hear me out before you all flame me alive. I love my kids and try to instill every good thing in them and give them all the opportunities I never had as a kid but still i sit here regularly wondering where I've gone wrong or not done things right.

1st dd 12. Amazing, kind caring. But always been not confident and had really strong personality friends who have dominated over her until this yr where she now has none at all. I've tried loads. When younger age she did swimming age 3-5 ( stopped when she still couldn't do a basic width or keep afloat after 2 yrs of expensive lessons) Gymnastics ( once a week since aged 4 but never selected for comps or anything extra, seems to go largely unnoticed in classes) , extra language. Violin ( aged 7- 11) stopped at grade 1 last yr because she just wasn't progressing enough after years of playing to get to grade 2 the next year. She does netball now but still just seems to be on the periphery of stuff. All things she likes, I ask her every term if she'd like to change or try something different it's always a no she's happy. But I'm soo sad but try not to show it. Friends/ family kids have got medals, seems to be in competition teams, trophies for all sorts or progressing and enjoying their hobbies in general. Mine literally couldn't give a crap and doesn't want to explore other options to develop an interest in something. What am I doing wrong!? Why after years of paying out for hobbies left right and center has it not made 1 dot of difference to her confidence and if anything made it worse because she never has anything to show for the effort she puts in.

Dd2 loves her hobbies similar to dd1 but she too never has got medals, certificates of progression or anything to recognise they've been doing something for x amount of years and got nothing to show for it. to make it worse is generally forgotten about and recently despite me asking her teacher for something she can take part in was sidelined and not even considered in favour of another friend.

Is this just how it is? What am I doing wrong

Children who do well in activities are often not the most talented. They are the ones who put in the most time and effort, and whose parents put in the most money.

I danced when I was a child, and I have now been a dance mum for many years. Neither myself nor my daughter would ever have been the most naturally talented in any given group. But through taking multiple classes per week, looking for performance opportunities, etc, you can improve and can get to a pretty high level. A kid who takes one recreational class per week will never get to that level, even if they do have a considerable degree of natural talent.

Also, some people have a competitive nature whereas others do not. I do, I always had to try the hardest and be the best. But DD is not competitive at all, she is happy when her team wins or when she gets a high exam mark, but she doesn’t care that much in the scheme of things. It sounds like your kids also don’t have a competitive nature and are quite happy to just participate, they don’t need to be the best.

It sounds like you have exposed your children to a range of activities rather than having them specialise in just one. And maybe that is for the best! It gives them a chance to find out what they enjoy. The vast majority of people aren’t going to become professionals in their chosen activity even if they are very talented and if they progress to a high level.

I think you've pulled her out of things too quickly tbh. Swimming is a really slow burner - I know loads of kids who went to lessons all through primary. Violin takes ages too - if she was happy going why stop her? Progress isn't a straight line you can have nothing for ages then things suddenly click and they get it.
Also comparison is the thief of joy - why are you obsessed with them being the best? Are you the best at things? Did you let her choose what classes she did or did you just decide for her?
You're not role modelling team player supportive vibes so no wonder she has a lack of confidence- she's probably either scared of people expecting them to be like you or she'll be putting people down like you do with her.
Time to rebuild her confidence and tell her how proud you are of her for being a kind caring person who's willing to give things a go, and once she's relaxed and happy again she'll attract friendships.

Perhaps ask yourself why it matters - what exactly do you feel like you're not achieving? Why do medals and certificates matter - and to who?

As a parent, you need to set aside your own ego; this isn't about you.

What strikes me though is that all of those clubs are very physical. Can your DD go to any clubs which are more relaxed and social? Does she like crafts - a craft club could be an option. Or how about volunteering? Helping others can be really good for your self-esteem.

Both my DC are autistic. My DD vanishes in large groups, especially with other girls. She struggles to fit in and find common ground and gets a bit overwhelmed by the dynamics of larger groups. But put her in small groups of people who she's had time to get to know and she thrives. Interestingly, she tends to get on very well with boys because I think their social structure is different, and there's less hierarchy in general conversation. She enjoys being with girls but often finds herself excluded or struggling with the topics of conversation.

I'm not suggesting that your DD is necessarily autistic (although she might be...), but those things might help her too.

Also re swimming, have you spent a lot of time in the pool as a family, not on actual lessons? I struggled to learn to drive with the instructor and just used my lessons to learn what I needed to do to pass the test. Where I actually learnt to drive was hours and hours on the road with my dad, just driving around, no pressure. Put in a situation where demands are being placed on me and I'm expected to learn, I often fail. I'm autistic too, btw.

Neither of my DC are outstanding at anything that society values, and still struggle with things that others their age find easy. But I think my two absolutely fucking rock, I'm so proud of them every day. I honestly can't fathom feeling disappointed about a lack of medals. Your girls sound as if they've shown fantastic resilience to keep trying, an enviable enthusiasm for trying different subjects, and real persistence in the face of continuing difficulties. They sound amazing!

I was terrible at sport growing up. I hated it and I was awful. Couldn't swim particularly well, couldn't run, couldn't do team sports as bad hand eye coordination, not flexible couldnt do ballet or gymnastics. The works. I was a bookworm and all I ever wanted to do was read.

It took me until my 40s to find fitness again. Now I run, not very fast but I do half marathons once or twice a year. I go to the gym and I'm pretty decent at lifting weights but not amazing. Why I do it is for ME, for my health and longevity. And it took me years to understand that the only person to beat is me. So I happily trot along in a half now being overtaken by all and sundry.

Some folks, me included, were never made for sports and will never be "good". Im sure this is true for other activities. So drop these things for DD and just do other stuff. Family bike ride? Go to the cinema? Crafting? Play board games?
Encourage her to do things with you. Encourage friendships without them needing to be based on an actual activity. And if they do enjoy the activity then that's good enough. Don't worry too much

Honestly @Pullinghair my DD was very much like this. She actually had a horrid time at school and you could easily count her friends on one hand. Once she got up college it was totally different. I only asked her yesterday how come she has 1000 friends. She’s totally changed from how she was at school but it did take until she was18 sadly.

Did you give her a phone too soon? Once kids get one, it's game over.

Stop forcing her to be someone she's not!!

Happiness is a very underrated achievement. Stop being overbearing.

My DD is autistic, similar age, she had a really bad year in year 6 socially and started to find the classroom environment.overwhelming. She does very well at school as does her autistic brother, doesnt mean there isnt somethingelse going on. Social interactions tend to get more complex around puberty and some ND kids can't keep up, can't keep faking the skills and masking. It's not an unusual age for things to fall apart of ND kids.

Does her school have any lunchtime or after school clubs? Does she have a main/home room type teacher you can speak to to see if there's anything school can do to support her making some friends? Group sports can have a social aspect even if she doesn't make friends. I think it can help a bit to be still having those interactions.

Extra curriculars and hobbies are not supposed to be undertaken for the sole purpose of excelling to win trophies, medals, and certificates.

Are you particularly talented OP? What is it you excel in, that you have won trophies for? Or perhaps the apple doesn't fall far from the tree?

You're putting an awful lot of pressure on these kids to find a talent and excel at it. Why can't they do it just to enjoy it, enjoy life, and progress at their own pace, rather than for a particular outcome?

Mine was horse riding. I never stuck at anything else. I found horse riding as a young teenager (or, more the case that's when my parents could afford the weekly lessons). I was disliked and bullied by my original instructors, and they were harsh and unfair to me. I was made to feel I was utterly crap at it and just 'couldn't get it'. I worked at the yard to earn extra lessons for months, and only ever received one lesson in return. I was bullied and ostracised by the other kids, as well as the adults running the yard. As a result my lessons were repetitive and I was only given the chance to even jump, when I eventually moved to a different school. I never competed firstly because I never had a horse, and secondly wouldn't have had the confidence to anyway. Eventually I fell out of it, and always missed it and longed to return to it.

After a ten year break I very anxiously went for a lesson at a local school in a completely different area, from the strong encouragement of my other half. I told the instructor it'd been quite a while since I'd been riding. When she asked, and I told her it had been ten years since I'd even touched a horse, she genuinely couldn't believe it. She actually stopped another instructor who was in the middle of teaching, to show them my riding, exclaiming 'This woman hasn't been riding in 10 years, can you believe it?!'. She told me I had a lovely seat, and was a better rider than some of the folks who had been riding with them for years. I quickly went on to find a share horse and had the time of my life with it.

The point I'm making is, some of us just don't fit in, either with other kids, or adults, as children. We are unnoticed. But when you give a child a hobby, you often set them for life with finding enjoyment, joy and pleasure with a skill and a passion, for life. It's so not about the trophies and progression marked on paper. Those instructors pushing me extra hard because of blatant dislike, actually made me such a good rider I could pop on a horse after 10 years away, ride well, and even jump, like I'd only been away for months. There are many who show, win ribbons and compete who couldn't (and haven't) been able to do the same after even a year or two away.

I'm really grateful that on top of the bullying from others, my parents weren't expecting me to 'achieve' something other than enjoyment and simply gave me something to find some joy in, with no other expectations to 'perform'. That opportunity really gave me something for life.

Please rethink your attitude to your kids. You can attempt to hide it all you want. Your disappointment in them will not go unnoticed by them.

Some people just don't make friends easily. It doesn't mean they don't still enjoy being on the periphery socially and getting some interaction there. Just because your daughter hasn't made firm friends, doesn't mean she isn't still getting something out of it.

The medals thing is so silly, the only advice there is to get over it. Not everyone is a competitive type who values medals, plenty of people just enjoy participating and trying to be a little bit better than they were yesterday. And the adult world doesn't give a shit about teenage medals unless you continue to excel in adulthood, which most people don't.

If they're kind and caring how about something animal centred?

Or you say their academic work is great how about a book group/writing class?

Also what about creative stuff (you should go to this with them) - a one day pottery course, making things/crochet/knitting/painting/bauble making etc

Some children love quiet, focused activities like making things - try this ?

It sounds like your children have some SEN issues. Lots of children don't have talents or don't find something they are passionate about and drop out of extra curricu;ar stuff, but it sounds like for yours they- esp DD1 they are struggling to achieve anything.

If OP's DD1 has SEN issues then so do I (I don't, to my knowledge). Surely it's normal not to be very good at some things. I always find it odd the idea that children need to be "achieving", well, anything, but especially trophies in hobbies that most adults don't do and never think about.

Hello, I was this child!
Tried lots of clubs and things, made slightly awkward friends instead of any grades but even then did dorky clubs like chess, never stuck with anything and have no real talents, found my own niche as I got older and carved my own path, some folks just march to the beat of their own drum.

You are speaking about the vast majority of children op, most are mediocre. It’s just supposed to be an experience, it helps to keep children fit. They don’t have to be brilliant, at anything, they are perfect just as they are.

You sound very uptight, and maybe on social media too much or something. Why don’t you stop all of this relentless, expensive slog and just bring them home and do some watercolour painting. Glitter cards and do some cooking. You don’t have to kill yourself doing pointless clubs, why not teach them to grow plants and vegetables? Jewellery making. Reading. Take them for a run.

Raising and enjoying your children shouldn’t feel like a thankless rat race. Choose some life skills such as cooking, and start there. You might be surprised by how they develop when you are not measuring them against everyone else.

Neither of mine were hugely into the usual clubs, hobbies, sports which made me feel I'd done something wrong. Pre Covid we kept on going to various activities. Covid ended all that as mine flat out refused to do anything online. I kind of had to chill out about it and then I began to realise it was really no big deal. They both have loads of 'quiet' skills and interests. DD1 got into books during Covid and I love it so much that we can connect about a book we've both read. DD2 got into drawing and writing, and though no one gets to see how good she is at both, I know she'll have those skills for life. DD1 can also follow complicated crochet and knitting patterns and sew beautifully. All these things came at around 12+ after years of trudging to gymnastics, dance, music lessons etc. And I don't think it's that we simply chose the wrong clubs either. It's just not the right format for them. They are introverts I guess (as am I).

You’ve made me think about ds1 -he’s academically pretty able and a happy kid but he definitely doesn’t have any special talents!

I’d carry on with swimming as that’s important but perhaps try a different class or approach if she’s not currently progressing

also, not a skill/talent as such but would she try cubs/brownies? Both my kids love cubs/scouts, it’s great socially especially the camps. And they get to try out all kinds of things.

Why don’t you get them a large medal each for being the kindest kids you know. You don’t need constant external validation to be proud of your children for who they are.

I think it can be hard to make friends at clubs because they are often very structured and kids may not have any time to chat together.

Dance grades count towards UCAS points

I was never sporty as a kid (still terrible at anything involving balls!) and have never won a medal or competition! My brother did but it never bothered me that he did and I didn't and as adults it's not given him the edge over me on anything. I did play the violin but if she's not into it and it's taken 4 years to get to grade 1 then I would agree with her stopping. By 12 a lot of kids are competent enough to play in youth orchestras or bands and that's where you start to form friendships, but it's very hard to get into such groups below grade 3 or even 5.
Guides and Scouts taught me more life skills than even school so I would encourage her to keep going with that, or try a different group if the one she's at doesn't do much in the way of activities.
Maybe encourage her to do Duke of Edinburgh as well once she's old enough.
I would keep persisting with the swimming as it's a life skill and without it they won't be able to take part in things like kayaking or sailing with Guides.
You could try parkrun as a family or junior parkrun if you want an active but non competitve activity that's very all inclusive.

Would Drama help with her confidence?

I honestly don’t think it really matters if they win medals or not as long as they enjoy their activities, that really is the most important thing and they’ll probably be getting fat more from them than you realise. But I’d also say the amount of hours they spend practicing is really important if your DD’s want medals etc. from the outside my dd would be one of the children you’re describing. She has won countless medals and trophies for dance, but my goodness she works so hard for them. She’s only 9 but spends about 20 hours a week at the studio, plus extra stretching etc at home. From the outside she just looks talented, and she is to some extent, but it’s mainly down to hard work and sheer dedication. It’s absolutely fine, if your DD’s just want to do one hour a week at an activity just for fun, this’ll be the vast majority of children. But you can’t really expect great progress to made. Those who are seemingly ‘talented’ and get the accolades will be doing more.

The hobbies are fine. They should be about having fun. If they’ve found activities that they enjoy, that’s great, you’ve set them up for a lifelong way to meet people and relax.

I would be more concerned that your DD is struggling to make friends and it is making her unhappy. You’ve mentioned you have previously had concerns about ADD and dyspraxia. Have you considered ASD (which often goes hand in hand with things like hypermobility)? I know ASD gets thrown around on MN all the time but it’s not uncommon for bright kids who are good at masking and well behaved to not have any issues until they hit their teens and to fly under the radar at school.

Your DD is unhappy, maybe it might be worth looking into seeing an educational psychologist.