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Original poster

I'm sad about my teen's football experience

106 replies

Stupidcompetitivefootball · 20/04/2021 18:51

My 13 yr old has been with a football club for years. He's not the greatest player. He's not awful but he's not the best. And obviously they only want the best players in their team.

In the past 18 months since they moved from 7 a side to 11 a side he's not had a single minute of game time. The coach told us a while back that he wouldn't get to play but he could still train if he wanted to. He explained that 11s is so much more competitive and "that's just how it is". Covid has been a blessing in this area at least because there has been outdoor training for a while but no matches.

We live in a fairly busy area so you'd think there would be other teams he could join, but no. There is absolutely no fun, less competitive football for kids his age in our area. There are some teams who talk the talk about being inclusive but you have to have a trial and he's tried and failed twice so we decided to stop.

I feel really sad for him. He just wants to play football but he's being told he's not good enough.

I do get it, it takes a lot of time and effort from volunteers to make all this happen for kids and I'm grateful for the experiences he's had so far. I wish I could set up a team for him myself but I am clueless about football. We have 5 a side pitches near us but it's impossible to get a regular slot after school, I had thought I could maybe book a slot on a Monday evening or something and gather up a group of kids in a similar situation and just let them play, I could supervise, but it's all full with longstanding bookings. The staff have put me on a waiting list. It's also quite pricey even for an hour's booking.

We've just messaged the coach to say he will be finishing up. He doesn't want to train any more when he knows no matter how hard he tries he won't get a match and that's fair enough. I feel quite sad. He replied and said what a good team player ds is, how hard he's tried, how well behaved he is. He's just not going to get a match. Poor boy, he's so loyal too, he's loved being part of the club, never missed a session even in the worst of weather. He loves getting all ready in his kit for training.

No wonder kids drop out of sport when they hit their teens, it gets so hard.

Bit of a pointless moan really, we've managed to get him involved in a different, slightly less competitive sport so at least he's still active but it's not the same.

OP posts:
Newnewnew1179 · 21/04/2021 23:38

Absolutely agree about the bigger picture - we as adults need to model this. I’m
never more proud than when I see my son shout praise at someone who’s made a tackle, or tried a tricky pass or had a run on goal even (especially) when it’s gone wrong.

firedog · 21/04/2021 23:51

As a football coach these comments make me so angry as all kids should be able to play and a lot of clubs ensure that but not all sadly.
Lack of parents willing to help out is a big issue. ANY willing parent can train as an L1 coach and then start a team. But if a coach has 20 kids wanting to play and only 11-13 spaces and a competitive league, it's often hard to give everyone a game & volunteers get abuse.
So whilst it's frustrating that coaches are focusing on 'the win' due to parent pressure, if more would volunteer, the issue would be much less as there would be more teams available

firedog · 21/04/2021 23:52

@spaceghetto

I'm nervous about this op! Ds is 6 and we already feel the pressure at training to excel. I think he feels it too as he keeps asking if he is good at football.
Change clubs. He's 6 and should barely be in a team
firedog · 21/04/2021 23:55

@Newnewnew1179 sounds like the coaches at our club. It's a constant dilemma. We want to give all a change to learn and play. But have to accept that some teams loose a lot at periods. Then competitive parents move their kids.

AdoptedBumpkin · 22/04/2021 00:06

I'm sorry to hear this. I've heard a few stories like this about boys' football.

It's probably a good thing my DD isn't very sporty, at least so far.

firedog · 22/04/2021 00:15

@AdoptedBumpkin how old is she? It's so important to encourage girls to try sport and girls footy is massive too

Newnewnew1179 · 22/04/2021 00:18

There are good clubs out there Firedog so look around and speak to coaches, he really shouldn’t be feeling pressure at 6, he should be having fun.
To be fair I’ve been impressed by what I know of the FA coaching qualifications which all accredited clubs do require their coaches to do. Volunteering to manage a team is a massive commitment and it takes up a lot of time so I can understand why there is a shortage of people willing to take it on.

AdoptedBumpkin · 22/04/2021 00:25

Eight. She is fit and healthy, just not really inclined to sport so far.

MiddlesexGirl · 22/04/2021 00:30

I 100% agree with you. And it's not just football ... it seems to happen in any sport. If you're not competitive enough there just isn't the enthusiasm from coaches to encourage for the sake of participation and individual health rather than winning.

worried3012 · 22/04/2021 00:33

That's not good. Are there kids 5 a side local leagues he can get involved in where it's all playing and fun?

When I was growing up I was the only girl in the area who loved football. I was actually good but back then I didn't know of many girl's teams apart from the really really good ones. (Too good for me). So I just played on the park with the boys. And I loved it, it was fun and regular and I'd encourage your son to do that. Of course it's not the same as an actual official match and team but I did that through all my teens as I couldn't get a team myself and it was fine, I still got my fix. In the end it improved me as a player and I did find a team in my early 20's and still play now.

Kljnmw3459 · 22/04/2021 00:47

It's such a shame and it seems like a part of almost every sport. I used to love gymnastics as a hobby but when I was 11ish I was told it can't be a hobby anymore, you have to do competitions and succeed at a certain level to be able to continue. I was ok at it but never did well at competitions so I had to give it up. I can see the same attitude in the groups that my friends older kids attend.

MiddlesexGirl · 22/04/2021 13:42

Another vote for rugby. There is a position for everyone: it really is team-work, no room for prima donna.

At minis level it's not much better than football. The ball gets passed to the fast ones who inevitably get positioned at the front and the 'wingers' and 'backs' never see the ball. Except when the opposition are charging at them when they are expected to grab at the tag that is usually superglued on. Unlike their own which falls off in the slightest breeze.
Even if they get the tag off, the ball is given to a 'better' player.
Am I bitter ..... yes. Even though two of mine did make it through this set up to county level ... one because he was one of the best, the other because he never gave up.
Two of mine were lost to the game because of the non-inclusive attitudes of the coaches at an early age.

Ilovewillow · 22/04/2021 13:45

Coming on to say Rugby like a lot of others - extremely inclusive. My daughter plays U15's and whatever your ability you always play every game and whatever your ability you always sit out for part of the game.

SellFridges · 22/04/2021 13:51

Have you looked at the football in the community offerings from your local “big” clubs. My kids play for teams but also attend training sessions run by a Premier League club and the age groups seems to go up to 16. They don’t form teams but the training is good quality and there is always a game at the end of the session. Ability is mixed.

Remaker · 22/04/2021 14:20

Oh this makes me so sad. Have just been discussing it with my DH who is English but we live in Australia. Our DS is 13 and has played football since he was 6. DH has volunteered as coach or manager or ref for most of that time. It does help to be involved when you want to make cultural changes.

As for your coach, no it is not the way IT is, it’s the way HE is. DH is absolutely outraged at the idea that any kid would spend an entire season on the bench. Our club declines in numbers rather rapidly from age 12 as the kids who go to private schools have to play for their schools and so they leave club sport. So this year we only have one u/14 team. Every single kid who signed up by the deadline is in the team and will get game time every week. We have kids who are very talented and could play at a higher level but they want to play with their friends. Others are not so skilful but the aim will be to find the best position for them and ensure they have fun.

DS also plays cricket and there are rules in the competition to ensure everyone bats and bowls. If you bat in the top 4 one week you can’t bat higher than 5 the next week.

DH has been delighted with the culture here where sport is so popular that there is room for everyone. He remembers missing out on teams because he wasn’t big enough or didn’t go to the right school. It’s a shame that things haven’t improved. I played team sports until I was in my 40s. I really hope my kids will be the same. They are both teens and play 6 different sports between them, many just at “social” levels.

needadvice54321 · 22/04/2021 14:41

@Ilovewillow

Coming on to say Rugby like a lot of others - extremely inclusive. My daughter plays U15's and whatever your ability you always play every game and whatever your ability you always sit out for part of the game.
Rugby is definitely better, it's not 100% fair all of the time I find - some players definitely have more time sat out than others - but it's better than football! I find it's just played more like a team, when DS1 played football, it seemed all about the strikers. They were the only ones who got the recognition, man of the match etc. Now he's in rugby it seems more about team work, all positions play a vital role and they are played by people of very varying ability. My DS is a back, he's tall and strong, so always in the thick of the rucks and scrums Shock. You're unlikely to find him running down the sideline as he's not as speedy as one of the fronts. That doesn't mean he isn't as good though, he just plays a very different role!

Hope that makes sense..

Lollylego · 22/04/2021 14:49

@Stupidcompetitivefootball I could've written your post as my son has experienced exactly the same. I feel for you, and your son. My son has a slight disability which means he's not as fast or as handy with his footwork as some others, but he never gets a chance. Also, it's always the kids of the coach, chairman, safeguarding officer that get picked, can't think why....

Newnewnew1179 · 22/04/2021 15:40

Second what SellFridges says about trying one of the Football in Community schemes at one of the big clubs, I know a couple of boys who attend one of these, genuinely mixed ability and they really enjoy it.

Original poster
Stupidcompetitivefootball · 22/04/2021 15:58

I've had a good look around locally, I really have and there's just nothing that suits his abilities right now. I have tried really hard.

We're done with football for now. He doesn't really want to go to another team, I think he has the fear now that he's not good enough. Sport should make you feel good about yourself, not rubbish, so it's time for something different. He has enough skills that if he wants to play casually later if the opportunity arises he'll be able to do that.

He's going back to basketball training, he's had a few volleyball taster sessions, so we'll find something else he's happy with. He did some golf lessons with the local golf club last summer and enjoyed them so he's got options.

To those of you who have had similar experiences I'm sorry, it's shit.

And those who volunteer to coach sport and make their teams as inclusive as they can, thank you. You are doing a great thing.

OP posts:
Comefromaway · 22/04/2021 15:58

In our area they tended to be aimed at primary school kids and were 6 week courses held at the school. once you were secondary age there was nothing.

MiddlesexGirl · 22/04/2021 16:48

My DS is a back, he's tall and strong, so always in the thick of the rucks and scrums shock. You're unlikely to find him running down the sideline as he's not as speedy as one of the fronts. That doesn't mean he isn't as good though, he just plays a very different role!

The backs are the speedy ones. The forwards provide the bulk and are the ruckers (mostly) and scrummagers. You may mean he's in the back row .... sort of an in-betweener?!

needadvice54321 · 22/04/2021 16:50

@MiddlesexGirl

My DS is a back, he's tall and strong, so always in the thick of the rucks and scrums shock. You're unlikely to find him running down the sideline as he's not as speedy as one of the fronts. That doesn't mean he isn't as good though, he just plays a very different role!

The backs are the speedy ones. The forwards provide the bulk and are the ruckers (mostly) and scrummagers. You may mean he's in the back row .... sort of an in-betweener?!

Blimey shows how little I understand about the game BlushGrin!!
CloudPop · 22/04/2021 16:57

And this is exactly why so many kids drift away from sport altogether in early teens. It's such a shame. I think you're doing exactly the right thing by trying out a couple of other sports

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 22/04/2021 17:08

Another shout for junior parkrun & parkrun here; non-competitive regular physical activity focused on children & young people, with lots of opportunities to volunteer as well.
And a good place to meet other families who may have children who haven't made it to team sports but would be up for a bit of jumpers-for-goalposts in the park afterwards.

SignMyStookie · 22/04/2021 17:32

@FlowEr262

We run a girls football team and have for the last 10 years, we don’t hold trials and we have all abilities. Saying this we have had lots of the more talented players leave to go to higher achieving teams.

Somehow last year we managed to win the B league, we asked not to be promoted as the A league is full of teams that are affiliated to well known big clubs.

We have games where can barely get 11 out on the pitch, but playing teams who have 5 subs and girls signed who don’t get called to play. people would rather sit on a bench for a good team than basically play a full 90minutes for us.

Anyhow this season we are loosing every game by double figures... it’s not been fun. It will be our last season.

Not sure what the answer is, maybe more parents volunteering and training as coaches for all abilities, although it is a big ask.

I could have written this almost word for word! Our girls started with an U11 team and as the original girls got older we introduced an U13 and then U15 team to accommodate them and keep them playing. So now we have teams at three age groups plus some younger girls who play fun football in mixed teams.

Our first season at U15 we really struggled with numbers, playing with 10/11 players and often no subs. Some of our opponents were from established clubs affiliated with big teams, enough girls on the bench to pretty much field a brand new team in the 2nd half and had paid coaches! Our girls kept going though and things improved somewhat the following season.

Everything you've done will have meant so much to your players and parents Flowers I hope you arw able to keep going but fully understand the struggle.