I'm sad about my teen's football experience

[Stupidcompetitivefootball]

My 13 yr old has been with a football club for years. He's not the greatest player. He's not awful but he's not the best. And obviously they only want the best players in their team.

In the past 18 months since they moved from 7 a side to 11 a side he's not had a single minute of game time. The coach told us a while back that he wouldn't get to play but he could still train if he wanted to. He explained that 11s is so much more competitive and "that's just how it is". Covid has been a blessing in this area at least because there has been outdoor training for a while but no matches.

We live in a fairly busy area so you'd think there would be other teams he could join, but no. There is absolutely no fun, less competitive football for kids his age in our area. There are some teams who talk the talk about being inclusive but you have to have a trial and he's tried and failed twice so we decided to stop.

I feel really sad for him. He just wants to play football but he's being told he's not good enough.

I do get it, it takes a lot of time and effort from volunteers to make all this happen for kids and I'm grateful for the experiences he's had so far. I wish I could set up a team for him myself but I am clueless about football. We have 5 a side pitches near us but it's impossible to get a regular slot after school, I had thought I could maybe book a slot on a Monday evening or something and gather up a group of kids in a similar situation and just let them play, I could supervise, but it's all full with longstanding bookings. The staff have put me on a waiting list. It's also quite pricey even for an hour's booking.

We've just messaged the coach to say he will be finishing up. He doesn't want to train any more when he knows no matter how hard he tries he won't get a match and that's fair enough. I feel quite sad. He replied and said what a good team player ds is, how hard he's tried, how well behaved he is. He's just not going to get a match. Poor boy, he's so loyal too, he's loved being part of the club, never missed a session even in the worst of weather. He loves getting all ready in his kit for training.

No wonder kids drop out of sport when they hit their teens, it gets so hard.

Bit of a pointless moan really, we've managed to get him involved in a different, slightly less competitive sport so at least he's still active but it's not the same.

I'm so sorry to hear this, and really depressed that this is still going on. This was my brother's experience in his early teens and I guess I assumed things had changed.

My brother did get a lot of enjoyment out of a "dads & lads" group that arose in our neighbourhood, playing football casually together every weekend in the local park, so I think that is a good idea if possible, but I can see that it isn't easy to create.

My brother still plays btw - I think he was in the 7th team of who knows how many at university (I played for the women's teams at the same uni, and we only had 2 teams! There were loads of men's teams!), and now as an adult living abroad he plays in an expat team for fun that is a big part of his life. Hopefully your son will have more years of fun football ahead of him.

I have two sons playing football since they were five, now 18 and 16. One for the same team with the same manager all that time.
They're ok players, but luckily the club does have a philosophy of giving everyone game time although definitely some more than others. The lesser players have kind of drifted away as they hit the mid teens, so it does naturally become more competitive and the better players become resentful of the weaker ones not measuring up.
11's is a bit soon for that IMO, which doesn't say much for the manager.

This is what I hate about football. Everyone takes it so bloody seriously. My DS played with a team until he was 16; he's a really good player but he left the team because he got sick of all the bullshit and hiw seriously the managers etc take it. He just likes going to the park for a kick about with his mates, he says that's actually fun; and he used to love playing at lunch time and breaks at school but since he left school he can't do that. It's such a shame. There are lots of boys that would ljke to play im a team but can't and it's really sad. Is there any chance his dad or one of his mate's dads could set one up? Could he not carry on in a 7 a side league somewhere? I know in our area they have a 7 a side league right up to adults and it tends to be less formal- although still very competitive.

Thanks @skeggycaggy

I'm sure you're right. He can pick it back up later, he's got fairly good basic skills now.

There just seems to be this gap between younger kids fun football classes and teenage properly competitive leagues.

Then when you're an adult you can organise yourself, or there might be a team at work or something.

But when you're a young-ish teen there's nothing. Even their school, which is a big one with lots of potential players, only has one team.

I've asked around to try and find something else but there's just nothing. I wish I had the time and skills to set something up for him but I don't. His dad hs arthritis and limited mobility so can't do much on the practical side unfortunately.

What about referee training?

For him or me? I don't think I could keep up!

I think this is typical of lots of kids sports.... and we wonder why obesity rates are so high when kids who want to play can't find a team. We are fortunate that my child has found a non competitive club for her chosen sport that offers "general" classes for all ages and not just the younger children.

We used to get a lot of kids turning up at rugby at about U10's or U11's because football had got a lot more competitive and they still wanted to play a team sport.

I remember a boy turning up and he really showed promise but he was amazed that when he made a mistake in a match no-one shouted at him, not the players or the parents.

I can't imagine being told at 13 that you aren't good enough to play, sport should be for every ability.

Very widespread as Mary's says.

When we open up again check if there's a sports centre with bookable 5 a side pitches. This became a bit of a thing round here with groups of kids.

Second rugby as being more inclusive.

This is why after one session of football when DS1 was about 6, we never went back, the competitiveness was unbearable even at that young age and parents took it way too seriously. There didn't seem to be anything just for fun and teamwork! Some of the kids looked like they'd been training since they could walk and DS1 was a total beginner, but instead of being encouraged to join in it was made clear that he was hopelessly behind. At 6!!

We went for rugby and cricket instead, so much more inclusive and with a space on the team for bigger, shorter & slower DS1 who just gets stuck in, and nippy tall DS2 with great hand-eye coordination.

Now they're getting older, there are more sports they can try for the first time as well like squash or rowing or ultimate frisbee or climbing or canoeing. So much more to do out there than football!

Are you sure there are no clubs available for him? In our area there are about 8 or 9 divisions per age group and the standard expected/seriousness of the coaches etc is definitely vastly different from the 1st division to the 9th division and teams in the 9th division definitely dont have trials you just go along and join in training for a few weeks and as long as you show commitment etc you get on. At the moment with so many kids not bothering to continue after lockdown we have teams practically begging for players.

That is awful. Poor boy. Do they only have 1 team locally? Our local clubs all have at least 3 teams split into ability so even if you're not great you can still play with other players of the same ability. We're in Scotland though and that's how the youth league works here.

Another vote for rugby. There is a position for everyone: it really is team-work, no room for prima donna.

I'm not so keen on cricket. Limited overs means only the best 4 or 5 get to bat and only the best 4 or 5 get to bowl. Everybody else is just there to make up the numbers.

This is a division 3 under 14s league. Effectively the bottom league for his age. There used to be a division 4 but now there's not enough teams to make a league so ds's club gave up on their division 4 team. There are none local to us, the league covers a big area.
I've contacted 5 local clubs, he had a trial session with 2 and they said they didn't have a place for him. 2 didn't even offer him a trial session and the last one was at a place and time we just couldn't get him to.
The local 5 a side pitches don't organise anything for kids. I'd have to book a pitch then try and find 9 other kids to turn up and play, and hope they could organise themselves into a match without a referee.

I think we're done with football tbh. It just doesn't feel like fun any more. He's been trying out volleyball and seems to enjoy that and he's going to go back to basketball once indoor training starts again there. He enjoyed basketball before and it's not so popular round our area so you mostly get a turn on the team.

This kind of thing really winds me up. I remember an previous colleague making unkind comments about another colleague saying they "ought to get out and play some football or something", but when I challenged him if he'd be allowed to play in his own team you instantly get, "Oh no, he's too rubbish". I just wish there were more team games available for those of us who love to try but are not very good. Most team sports seem to end up as just not an option for the not so good, and it's disheartening.

We had this with Ds. There was a football class he could do between the ages of 8-11 but once he’d outgrown that nothing. No one would take him. He went to training but was not part of the team and bullying was allowed in plain view (I witnessed it).

Hockey on the other hand was brilliant. Very inclusive.

This is so disappointing to read, I really feel for your son. I've encouraged my DS to play hockey, and I'm sure if your son tried it he'd find there are lots of similarities with football, but without the pressure/dickishness of your football club. Many hockey teams are combined adult/ junior players and younger ones are nurtured by the adults - I'd recommend it

Ds actually had the potential to be a good little footballer. He was very small for his age but he was agile.

But he started too late (9 years old). If you don’t start playing age 6 then you’ve no chance.

Definitely investigate refereeing. He is
probably a bit young at the moment but I think my son started at about 14/15. They get paid and if they are reliable can earn well. My son is 20 now and still gets offered loads of matches even though he is away at uni most of the time. It has been a great way for him to stay involved with football

But he started too late (9 years old). If you don’t start playing age 6 then you’ve no chance

This isn't actually true, a lot of people say it including coaches in the game but my son only started playing (apart from in the playground) when he was 9 and he is now playing at a high level and has been offered a football scholarship once he turns 16. There are very good teams and coaches but I agree they are sometimes hard to find.

Rugby has a half game rule now where all players ( as long as safe to play ) are supposed to get half a game although there are a few loopholes and rugby isn't for everyone as lots of heavy contact.
My dh coaches a team though and he does this for his players but always has
Both my ds played footie and ds1 was average so played for a div 2 club after sitting in the sidelines for a div 1 club ,ds1 is pretty good so played at high level team bit had been there since age 4 , they recently folded though so he moved to a div 2 team as he felt pressure from other clubs and their managers to beat his team took away the enjoyment.
Have you def not got any lower division teams in your area ?

Look for a non competitive team/ sport.