I'm sad about my teen's football experience

[Stupidcompetitivefootball]

My 13 yr old has been with a football club for years. He's not the greatest player. He's not awful but he's not the best. And obviously they only want the best players in their team.

In the past 18 months since they moved from 7 a side to 11 a side he's not had a single minute of game time. The coach told us a while back that he wouldn't get to play but he could still train if he wanted to. He explained that 11s is so much more competitive and "that's just how it is". Covid has been a blessing in this area at least because there has been outdoor training for a while but no matches.

We live in a fairly busy area so you'd think there would be other teams he could join, but no. There is absolutely no fun, less competitive football for kids his age in our area. There are some teams who talk the talk about being inclusive but you have to have a trial and he's tried and failed twice so we decided to stop.

I feel really sad for him. He just wants to play football but he's being told he's not good enough.

I do get it, it takes a lot of time and effort from volunteers to make all this happen for kids and I'm grateful for the experiences he's had so far. I wish I could set up a team for him myself but I am clueless about football. We have 5 a side pitches near us but it's impossible to get a regular slot after school, I had thought I could maybe book a slot on a Monday evening or something and gather up a group of kids in a similar situation and just let them play, I could supervise, but it's all full with longstanding bookings. The staff have put me on a waiting list. It's also quite pricey even for an hour's booking.

We've just messaged the coach to say he will be finishing up. He doesn't want to train any more when he knows no matter how hard he tries he won't get a match and that's fair enough. I feel quite sad. He replied and said what a good team player ds is, how hard he's tried, how well behaved he is. He's just not going to get a match. Poor boy, he's so loyal too, he's loved being part of the club, never missed a session even in the worst of weather. He loves getting all ready in his kit for training.

No wonder kids drop out of sport when they hit their teens, it gets so hard.

Bit of a pointless moan really, we've managed to get him involved in a different, slightly less competitive sport so at least he's still active but it's not the same.

My son was also a hard worker for football and did okay for the school first team occasionally. But he started hockey when he was 12 and by 14 was doing trials for the county teams. His first love was still football but he played a competitive match every week during the hockey season Which made up for it a little.

What a shame. Even a poor player could be given a chance - there are presumably friendlies they play and it is only fair if you turn up for training week after week to be given a turn. Very short sighted of the coach.
My son played rugby. He tried football too but was so appalled at the swearing and attitude of the team and coaches (and my son can certainly swear with the best of them) that he only went three or four times. His rugby team were non selective- if you showed up and worked hard you played matches - not every time, but enough.
I can see how your son has become disheartened. He has hung in there way longer than most, and I hope he can eventually find another team to play with.

Call the County FA and speak to the Welfare Officer. They might/should be able to help you.

Unfortunately seems to be fairly standard in football. My sons under 9 team was streamed into A B and c, which I had no issue with except they're were no coaches for the C and B teams so they just aimlessly passed the ball around for the training session while the A team played matches and did skills training in front of them .. it's really hard to watch to be honest.

This is so sad. I’m so sorry he’s had such a rubbish experience. Is there another sport he might have a go at? Maybe cricket? Running?

There are definitely no lower league teams near us for his age group. Definitely. I have checked. There are for younger age groups but not his. I have tried to find non-competitive teams of Sunday morning friendlies or whatever and I haven't found anything.

I do get it, it's run by volunteers. Everything needs volunteers. Why would you volunteer to coach a poor team when you could coach a good team? Unless you're coaching for your own kid's team. I wish I felt I could take that on and set something up for him but I can't. I would need other teams anyway. If there are only so many volunteers to go round then there can only be so many teams and teams are limited in their number of players. I'm not criticising as such, it's a popular sport. It's just a shame.

We're trying some other things, he's enjoyed basketball before and will go back to that, and he's enjoyed some outdoor volleyball sessions recently too. So he'll find something, it just won't be football for now.

I'm sorry others have come up against this too. I hope your kids have gone on to find something they enjoy instead.

My son is 9 and loves football. Plays well with his friends but loses his nerve with his team and lacks confidence and I can see even at this age they pick the best players and he gets to start.
I think it's just crap, it should be about being active, having fun, getting fresh air. It's all so competitive and I don't like it.
Your poor son.

'team' sports - so shit. Just organised bullying. Look for something where there is no team, just actual encouragement to participate.

Sorry I meant never gets to start.

Another saying that rugby is much more inclusive. My DS is very keen but not the most talented, all the team get onto the field even if it’s only for a bit of the match.

I had this when my two DS who were close in age split teams aged 5 and 6. There was no one to take on the youngest ones. I took over as coach and manager which was pretty hilarious as I knew sod all about football and was/is very fat and unfit but ended up getting my FA coaching qualification. Eldest DS is now 22 and is thrilled he can play again now restrictions are lifted. Youngest DS20 is still traumatised and will probably never play again! 😁

If there are only so many volunteers to go round then there can only be so many teams and teams are limited in their number of players.

I think this is the crux of the problem. My stepdad became coach of my brother’s team when it was about to fold due to no volunteers. He had to deal with the usual admin and H&S stuff, but also angry/aggressive parents at matches, fundraisers to cover the cost of renting the pitch at the local park and paying the ref, picking up dog poo left on the pitch etc. By the end he and my mum both had to do a “pick up run” EACH because the parents couldn’t / wouldn’t drop the teens off for matches. The workload was immense, and that was even as part of an established local club that had teams in most age categories.

Really, you’re only going to get people willing to do all that if they take the games properly seriously. And that is more likely to be competitive folk.

Sorry for your ds, this type of attitude to sport is depressing especially given the problem with obesity. It seems widespread that if you're not the best then you're not welcome.
My ds is only 8, he's hopelessly unsporty but we keep encouraging him to try things to stay healthy, active and social. Honestly though I'm shocked by how nasty some of the other kids are allowed to be in the name of "competitiveness"
I suppose the only solution is for the people like us who are complaining to try to actually organise our own sports activities that welcome everybody. Good luck with setting up something of your own op, I hope you manage to get a slot somewhere.

We had exactly the same with DS2, he was desperate to play but just wasn't as good as the other boys. He just wanted to join in! The icing on the cake was being invited along to an all day tournament, paid his fee, put on his kit - to sit on the sidelines all day . Apparently the coaches had invited him to watch and get some tips, they just hadn't told us or DS that. He was totally gutted

We never went back. I know DS has to learn he can't be good at everything, and he certainly wasn't at football (he has a disability which will always hold him back sadly), but he just wanted a go. They were a bunch of 9 year olds ffs!! Apparently they were one of the more inclusive teams in the area too ...

You sound very reasonable. I think I would be a lot more pissed off with the coach. 18 months and not a single match? Not even a friendly?

Both my sons play football but I really hate some of the shit that goes with it. I wish they’d preferred rugby!

We run a girls football team and have for the last 10 years, we don’t hold trials and we have all abilities. Saying this we have had lots of the more talented players leave to go to higher achieving teams.

Somehow last year we managed to win the B league, we asked not to be promoted as the A league is full of teams that are affiliated to well known big clubs.

We have games where can barely get 11 out on the pitch, but playing teams who have 5 subs and girls signed who don’t get called to play. people would rather sit on a bench for a good team than basically play a full 90minutes for us.

Anyhow this season we are loosing every game by double figures... it’s not been fun. It will be our last season.

Not sure what the answer is, maybe more parents volunteering and training as coaches for all abilities, although it is a big ask.

Not the same at all, but could you start taking him to Parkrun? Its good fun in itself and is also a way into running groups and other fitness bits and pieces. Gyms, running clubs, martial arts teachers, fitness instructors, bootcamps all canvas at ours.

Have you thought about pool, snooker or darts? All three have lots of junior clubs for anyone who wants to play & coaching, none are too expensive to start either.

I echo what @FlowEr262 has said.

Anyhow this season we are loosing every game by double figures... it’s not been fun. It will be our last season

Aww @flowEr262 what a lovely thing you've done all this time. I'm sure your players and their families appreciate it. Sorry you're having a bad season

Have heard similar things about our local youth football - I think it’s a shame. One of my children plays rugby - agree with other posters that it’s very inclusive. The other child plays hockey for a great club that doesn’t take itself too seriously!

I usually lurk but registered for this as it made me think.
DH manages an u12’s team that our DS plays for and has done since he was 6. They are currently 9 a side so moving to 11 a side next year. They’ve genuinely always operated on the basis that all are welcome and if you turn up to training you get an equal share of game time and they’ve done fine over the years, not stellar, but a couple of cup finals, promoted through leagues etc. I can’t speak for all clubs but this way of doing things has been a bit of an anomaly in our local area, most clubs do massively favour better players, I know the age group below at our club were asking those who were deemed not good enough to leave from the age of 8.
After a bad loss at the weekend DH came home wondering if they should change their approach. He has some players who are really weak (so quite a long way from average/not great) he says the gap between the good and not so good is widening and he thinks that it’s not entirely fair on his better players who he thinks he’ll start to lose if they move down the leagues which could mean the team will fold. On the other hand it goes against all his instincts namely that he recognises he’s not managing a professional team, they are children, they’ve built some great friendships over the years, they’ve supported each other through all sorts of difficulties and attitude and team spirit is more important than winning.
Anyhow this is a very long winded way of saying I showed him your post and he said I don’t ever want to be responsible for a 13 year old having to give up a game he loves so we’ll keep going as we are and focus on fitness, training and playing as a team.
I’m hugely grateful for your moan as it’s given us a different perspective and I really really hope your DS can find a way to enjoy his football again.

I'm nervous about this op! Ds is 6 and we already feel the pressure at training to excel. I think he feels it too as he keeps asking if he is good at football.

I am usually a lurker as well but just wanted to say that this is very wholesome approach-happy to hear that your team will stay inclusive 🙂!
If some kids want to leave to more competitive teams it is their choice - but we as adults who understand the bigger picture should not make the choice for weaker kids by pushing them out.