How do I stop the body shame and start to love exercise?

[herbaceous]

Fat and flabby 58-year-old here, trying to get off my arse and go to the gym, for which I'm paying every month.

The problem is the very thought makes me want to cry. I do go, as I know I 'have' to – in order to build bone strength, maintain muscle, not die prematurely, yadda yadda – but shuffle around, doing machines, avoiding the scary free-weights area, and trying to fill 30 minutes until I can reasonably leave again. An inner monologue just starts up 'I hate this I hate this I hate this', which doesn't help matters.

It is not remotely enjoyable, I never get any better and there is no fabled 'endorphin rush'. Instead I feel this weird visceral shame about it all. If anyone comes near me, I have to look away, and often stop what I'm doing. All these people in one place doing something as intimate as improving their bodies just feels weird!

I tried running, as that is solitary and hard to make excuses to avoid, but felt similar about that. Ashamed of my ineptitude, hated feeling so knackered, and never got that 'runner's high'. Swimming is acceptable, bizarrely, but not quite enjoyable enough to make it worth the hassle involved.

Can anyone relate? And has anyone overcome the shame? I'm sure it's a hangover from hideous school PE, where the only goal was to be good enough for the team. (Obvs team sports are a total no-go area these days.)

Reading your post, two things leap out. First, that you hate exercising around other people. Second, that you’d like to enjoy exercise.

Dealing with the enjoyment first, could you just accept that you may never like it and then find the smallest, least awful ways to exercise?

Secondly, it seems like the gym doesn’t work at all for you. Could you explore some other options instead? Maybe make a menu of possible alternatives and then try them all a couple of times? Even 3 x 20min a week is a good amount of exercise. Just explore at first then work out what is most bearable.

Some thoughts off the top of my head:

• Learn to skip. Spend 20 min doing it - at first you’ll only be able to do a couple of skips at a time but then build up.
• Youtube strength programs - again, 15 or 20 min sessions.
• If you don’t walk, could you try long walks , maybe music or podcasts.
• Try a different gym, or a different time in gym. Or maybe change your current gym program so that you only do 20min and it’s just say 10min of cross trainers and 10min of rower for example.
• Buy a step and learn step classes at home via YouTube.
• Join a local beginners running group. Running is 100% the one sport where it’s acceptable to be rubbish, but you need the right supportive environment.
• Accept that swimming is just not that great, but try to do it once a week anyway.

A little bit is better than nothing, and perfect is the enemy of good. If you are unfit, then even the smallest amount of exercise will have a big impact.

I find the worst thing about committing to exercising is spending large parts of the day knowing I should do it, and playing to and fro about whether I will do it or not. So depressing. One way to beat that is to do first thing in the morning. The other is to commit to not thinking about doing it and only let it occupy your mind when you are actually doing it.

You are talking to yourself in ways you would never talk to anyone else. Until you change how you talk to yourself, no amount of exercise is going to make you feel better about yourself.

Can you challenge that inner voice? If you say find yourself saying “I hate this”, can you say “I find this challenging but at least I’m having a go?”

If you feel knackered running, perhaps you’re pushing yourself too hard. Can you set yourself a really easy goal? Then when you have achieved that, feel pleased with yourself and make the next goal ever so slightly more challenging. And keep going from there.

Thank you so much for your reply! Yes, high-stakes exercise with people is the worst thing. The thought of park run, for example, brings me out in hives.

I do pilates once a week with other people, and that's OK, as is my swimming lesson I also do. We moan to each other about how awful backstroke is, or whatever, at the end of the pool.

And oddly I used to enjoy aerobics and step classes (remember them?), as I think the necessity to remember the choreography meant I forgot about the fact I was about to die. I was young, fit and slim then though...

You are bang on about the worst bit being thinking 'oh God I've got to go haven't I' or trying to find justifications for not doing so. I guess Nike nails it when it says 'Just do it'.

I chose the gym as there's so much about lifting heavy weights being good for the middle-aged woman, and it's a good effort:reward ratio. Maybe I should get some weights for home, and use Caroline Girvan, or one of those terrifying women.

I have a half-baked theory that there are two type of people. The As, who enjoy inhabiting their bodies, whose bodies work well, put on muscle, and movement comes easily to them. Exercise is inherently enjoyable.

Then there are the Bs, whose bodies are less good, who mainly inhabit their minds and see their bodies as a way of carrying their brains around. Exercise is a chore, and is unenjoyable.

Obvs I'm a B. I have hypermobile feet and lower back, making running massively hard work, as my muscles have to kind of 'hold' my body together as I galumph down the street.

Why do you feel Caroline is terrifying? I'd really urge you to give it a go - she changed my life!

All you need is 2 sets of dumbbells and a mat. Plus maybe a yoga block and a resistance band.

I do her workouts while listening to the radio. So much more enjoyable than going to the gym.

I like classes and do a mix of body pump (uses a barbell and weights), body attack (there are always lower option moves), body combat (love the kicking and punching!), zumba, body balance (mix of yoga, pirates and tai chi) and LBT (my instructor uses a step and sometimes an exercise ball as part of the workout)

I go for the social side as well as getting fitter and have made friends through going and that encourages me to go back each time

P.s. I'm just about to turn 50 and am heavy/overweight so not young and flexible.

I'm about three times the age of everyone at the gym, so no social side there! The classes are rubbish, as in main area of gym, and in any case at times I can't do. I know. Excuses excuses!

I have done stuff at home - Jilllian Michaels was a favourite - but was hoping that paying for the gym each month would motivate me to go. Instead it's like an albatross round the neck. I had a PT for a bit, and was following a 'heavy lifting' regime, but it was a lovely empty gym. Obvs it then closed as not enough custom!

Caroline Girvans is terrifying as she's tiny, muscly and I feel she'd look down on flabby losers like me!

I was with you until you wrote this nonsense,,intelligent people exercise and take care of their bodies. And enjoy it.

'I guess Nike nails it when it says 'Just do it'.'

Yep, that's it. It's that simple, and that hard!

Exercise is tough. Please don't think that all those people in the gym are having the time of their lives. I go to the gym 4 times a week, and 9 times out of 10 I would rather stay in bed. But I don't because exercise really does make everything in life feel better.

About weights, it sounds like you don't know what you're doing and don't know where to start. That's fine, it's where we all started! I would HIGHLY recommend booking a couple of personal training sessions so someone can show you how to lift safely, and give you some guidance about lifting heavier over time. The 'scary' weights area is full of people just doing their thing. Absolutely no one is watching you or judging you I swear. But get some guidance from a professional to set you on your way. And good luck!

@Janeandme

I was with you until you wrote this nonsense,,intelligent people exercise and take care of their bodies. And enjoy it.

That's not entirely fair. I am intelligent, and KNOW I should take care of my body. It doesn't make me enjoy it.

What? You wrote it? About the two types of people. Not me.! So basically you just wrote you’re not being fair.

this is so weird.

What? I meant there are two types of body-inhabiting people. As, who enjoy it, and Bs who don't. No reflection on intelligence.

You said that intelligent people enjoy exercise. I am both intelligent and hate exercise.

Anyway, derailing is occurring.

Have you actually tried Caroline? She is lovely and doesn't look down on anyone. She keeps emphasizing that it's "you versus you".

Nobody uses the same weights as hers - half the weighs or even less is absolutely fine. I started with 3 and 5kg and now, after 3+ years, I'm doing 8 and 10kg.

I'm nearly 70 - if I can do it, you can! Plus it's so empowering AND enjoyable.

Are you quite ok? You said those who enjoy exercise inhibit their bodies and those who don’t inhibit their minds, and see the body as a way to carry their brains,

everyone inhibits their mind for goodness sake. That’s what I am pointing out.

There's no need to be quite so combative. Maybe I worded it badly. I meant there are people who enjoy inhabiting their bodies, and those who see their bodies more as a way to carry themselves around.

'I meant there are people who enjoy inhabiting their bodies, and those who see their bodies more as a way to carry themselves around.'

I get what you're saying. You're not stuck in one type or another though. I used to be the second type, and now I'm definitely the first

I would get some dumbells and do Caroline. It’s the least judged, least stupid, least uncoordinated I’ve ever felt doing workouts and the only time I’ve stuck to it for more than a few weeks. The results are visible and striking! I started with 2kg weights, quickly went up to 4 and now have 6s. Even with those you can see a huge difference in my physique. I just set the alarm early, get up and dressed and put the next video on. No thought involved. And she never shouts or “encourages” which I LOVE.

OMG. My people. This sounds ideal. I hate being 'encouraged'. I just want to shout 'no, fuck off' back. 'You got this!' No. No I haven't.

We do have various dumbells lying around the house. Will investigate their weight.

Have you tried an adult beginner ballet class? Or zumba or anything like that? Just wondering if finding something that's got a bit of a different feel to just 'exercising' might work better for you?

I just want to get the exercising out of the way as quickly as possible, using as many calories as possible, hence doing weights! If I had to travel to a class, spend an hour doing it, and travel back I just CBA. My swimming lessons are OK, as they're next to the house.

@herbaceous I recently listed to this podcast which made so much sense to me!
https://open.spotify.com/episode/0zaNmVJolwtiQxNs4I17nR?si=UQtiamzhS6uiwdY_0AOTSQ
In summary (it's a long interview!!!!) we evolved as hunter gatherers. For most of human existence, food was scarce and we had to work hard to get it. Hunter gatherers didn't go out and purposely exercise, they might as well have thrown their dinner in the bin! It's a waste of energy. They got their 'exercise' by chasing after food, building shelter, walking long distances for water etc. But in this age of plenty we can if we want lead mostly sedentary lives with plentiful energy and to maintain our health we have to go against our basic instincts in relation to exercise.
From a health and well being perspective, we have evolved to need a certain level of activity (as we chase after our food and build our shelter etc etc, not going to the gym or going for a run for the sake of it!). As is often quoted - if the benefits of exercise could be prescribed in a pill it would be the most prescribed medication with the most benefit on a global population level.

From a personal perspective, I swim or lift weights most days (I lift at home - technique from YouTube, weights from Amazon!). My brain always tries to talk me out of it (skip it just for today, I can go tomorrow, it's cold, it's hard, it's comfortable here, I deserve a rest.....constant chatter!). While there are days when it all comes together and I really enjoy it, actually most days it's just something I do which pushes me out of my comfort zone for a half an hour but I feel the benefit across my life so I just get on with it. I've had to learn to live with that mental chatter and do it anyway. That's why I really enjoyed listening to this podcast😂.

You aren't unusual, most people feel like this, but those who can find a way to overcome the instinct to just stay on the sofa do reap the benefits.

Wishing you all the best in your efforts x

@herbaceous - most of the video she doesn’t even speak! There’s an intro where she gives tips of form and a run down but most of it is no speaking. There’s a preview of what’s coming next and a timer on screen but that’s it. I react violently to being chivvied or told to work harder so this is ideal for me. And you end up wanting to do more because of it.

@beezerbum I'd heard that theory, and it makes a lot of sense! I don't mind exercise if there's an end goal, such as cycling to work, or walking up a hill for a good view. I walk a lot as part of daily life. It's just exercise for its own sake that is so difficult.

I know it's a matter of habit, and I have previously managed to build it into my day (on the way home from work, or whatever) but now the body shame has got so powerful, it makes the resistance from the brain even more beguiling! And there's no immediate 'gain', such as enjoyment or visible difference, to act as a motivator.

Hi @herbaceous I could have written your post - am same age & def type of person!! Have tried everything incl a HiiT class twice weekly for 20 min w fellow menopausal women. The ppl are kind and at least its over quickly BUT I hate it w a fury; hate that I have to do it, how it feels, the way it reminds me how creaky and rubbish my body is etc. In fact it set me up for a very angry day today as I felt like such an outlier seeing the rest of them smiling and laughing when I want to scream at how horrible it feels, in a childish angry way. So you are not alone! My only tip is Zumba, which (as said upthread) can just about be fun ..

Also (as you know) it def helps with back & overall health maintenance if you can force yourself to do it. Watching in hopes of more tips on how to calm down and stop being such an (internalised) drama queen about having to do it😆

I can guantee there are fit, active people at the gym who are not enjoying it. It is not the enjoyment they are there for but the end goal. Some of them may have even started out like you. Consistency is the key here rather than busting a gut every time.

Find something you can do consistently, even for 20 mins at a time. Enjoyment is not key here, the end goal is, so make sure you have one which is realistic and measurable.