How do I stop the body shame and start to love exercise?

[herbaceous]

Fat and flabby 58-year-old here, trying to get off my arse and go to the gym, for which I'm paying every month.

The problem is the very thought makes me want to cry. I do go, as I know I 'have' to – in order to build bone strength, maintain muscle, not die prematurely, yadda yadda – but shuffle around, doing machines, avoiding the scary free-weights area, and trying to fill 30 minutes until I can reasonably leave again. An inner monologue just starts up 'I hate this I hate this I hate this', which doesn't help matters.

It is not remotely enjoyable, I never get any better and there is no fabled 'endorphin rush'. Instead I feel this weird visceral shame about it all. If anyone comes near me, I have to look away, and often stop what I'm doing. All these people in one place doing something as intimate as improving their bodies just feels weird!

I tried running, as that is solitary and hard to make excuses to avoid, but felt similar about that. Ashamed of my ineptitude, hated feeling so knackered, and never got that 'runner's high'. Swimming is acceptable, bizarrely, but not quite enjoyable enough to make it worth the hassle involved.

Can anyone relate? And has anyone overcome the shame? I'm sure it's a hangover from hideous school PE, where the only goal was to be good enough for the team. (Obvs team sports are a total no-go area these days.)

@ohlamer Haha! We are twins! I get that childish tantrum feeling about exercise. Makes me want to cry and bang my fists on the floor in fury. In fact it's sometimes the fury that temporarily powers me on to lift heavy things!

Personal trainers bring out the rage too. Just sod off with your 'just ten more', you muscly good-looking twat.

@herbaceous - I completely understand! That's why I do my weight training at home. I know it's probably all in my head but I feel watched shamed and judged at the gym and this added to my background chatter telling me not to go would mean I wouldn't do it. At home I only have to make myself get started😂. With swimming, once I'm in the water I just swim my lengths, I don't pay attention to anyone and it seems to me everyone around me feels the same....

I'm a similar age to you and in the past year been going to the gym to do strength training following a running injury. It's a challenge to make myself go but these are the things that work for me:

• listen to podcasts. Usually either comedy or an episodic story. Sometimes I'ration' a story so only let myself listen to it in the gym so look forward to it

• write out a programme of what I'm going to do so aren't wandering around a bit aimlessly

• make a note of how many reps/ what weight I use so I look back at how I've improved / got stronger over time

• definitely not a place for socialising, for me it's time away from other chores/ work etc - the podcasts help with this mindset!

@booksandbeans That's another thing - 'goals'. Gyms and the like bang on about 'achieving your goals'. I have no idea what they are. Looking marginally less repellent? Living longer? Do they mean lifting heavier weights? In which case how do I know how heavy? Baffling stuff.

Some fantastic calming advice on here - thanks all! @AtomicBlondeRose se what would you recommend for a beginner? Caroline Girvans has vast nos of vids on youtube: https://www.youtube.com/c/carolinegirvan - can't begin to think what to start with!!

I started with her advent videos - they’re 20 minutes so quite achievable. Then I started her Epic programme - actually it’s not really advised to start with this as it’s one of the hardest but I’m pleased I did because it’s been really good physically and mentally to do something really challenging. She has outlines and timetables on her website but you can also just pick ones at random from YouTube if you like! Some are only 10 minutes.

It’s been a bit of a revelation to find workouts still work even if I don’t hate it. Even if I’m not red and feel like I’m going to die. Don’t get me wrong, they’re a proper workout and I feel it; I feel pushed to the limit of what I can do even, but I don’t feel like I’m doing something utterly hateful. Well, except the odd HIIT session which I always dislike, but that reminds me how much I prefer the strength sessions.

For me the key has been small group classes. I go to a gym every that as classes starting at 6am and ending at 8pm with lunchtime options. I try to go 5
times a week. But once I’m there the group element carries me.

Here’s the advent ones: https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLhu1QCKrfgPVKViubrzd6hP3ziAs60qfD&si=E3JRDFL-PiVfD6Pz

There are a few things that definitely stand out here - the most obvious being that the gym you are a member of is not the gym for you! If you still want to be a member of a gym, is there another gym near you that has a slightly older demographic? I would honestly say that you need to go somewhere where you feel that you're amongst 'your people' and you're more likely to find that with people of your own generation.

Another thing that I wonder is whether you're pushing yourself too hard. Trying to lift too heavy? Trying to run too fast? Trying to use machines without understanding how to engage the right muscles? Our bodies don't like being uncomfortable...we do everything we can to be comfortable in life and exercise is the opposite of that! I like the phrase 'comfortably uncomfortable'...it implies a level of control...a nudge into being uncomfortable but without going so far that it just freaks you out and ends in pain and bewilderment.

And finally, do you have a plan when you get to the gym? Do you have a routine that you are going to follow with exercises, weights, no of reps and sets? If not, then you are turning up without a map which means you are completely lost. There isn't any natural beginning or end or any real thought to what you're going to be doing in between. You always need a plan! Even the best athletes always have a plan...whether training or competing. No-one wants to waste their time fannying around...people want results...even if that is as simple as being slightly better than themselves yesterday.

I quite like the feeling of lifting a really heavy weight, feels like there's more point to it than the light ones... When I ran, I honestly was almost at walking pace. Old ladies walking their elderly pekinese dogs would overtake me. It was so humiliating. People would hear me huffing behind them, and move over to allow me to 'run' past. Five minutes later I'd eventually wheeze slowly past them, like one of those overtaking lorries on the motorway going marginally faster than the other.

I kind of have a plan, based on what my old PT went through with me. But it often involves free weights, which is location of The Fear. There are PTs at my gym you can hire, but they're all about 'bikini fitness' or 'reps for days'. So, yes. It's probably the wrong gym for me. However, it's convenient and cheap, which means I'm more likely to go!

I'm a flabby 49 year old but have exercised continuously this year for the first time ever.

Things that were important to me were:
Being able to do it at home so no faff getting there or feeling self conscious
Realistically aimed at beginners so it wasn't depressing or damaging my knees

I've done Team Body Project, would recommend the Real Start videos. Daniel is properly encouraging, no talk about body shape at all, total permission for you to lie in heap on the floor halfway through, just all about moving.

No one was more shocked than me when I actually started enjoying it.

Such practical & kind advice here - really reminds me why I use MN!
Thanks @AtomicBlondeRose - had a quick look at your recdn, and am going to give it a go now while still in PE kit from this morning's (for me) hateful HiiT session!

I started with clubbercise. That was my exercise coming out of a long period of no exercise. No one is looking and it's mainly in the dark. Then I also started walking every day. Then did couch 2 5k and jog 3 times a week as well. I joined the gym last week because I can't run in the dark evenings and I'm not putting pressure on myself. Going mainly to use the treadmill then will do a bit of weights after

I was going to say, go to parkrun, make some friends of about the same level, get a recommendation for classes and go with them.

You're a year older than me so I'm not some weeny whippet saying this - there are all ages and shapes at the body pump (weights to music) and circuits (mix of lots of different exercises so if you don't like one, well it's only another 30 seconds of it) classes I go to.

And parkrun has EVERYONE. If you're nervous, volunteer first, so you see with your own eyes.

I'm afraid I can't think of anything worse than park run. Involves running in public, being terrible, there being competent people seeing me being terrible, and, even worse, 'encouraging' me on.

I’m very similar to you herbaceous, and I understand about just not getting that post exercise high.

The only time I ever managed to do the gym regularly was when I did it straight after the school drop off.

Im older and have been divorcing, so good eating and other good habits have gone out of the window.

Theres a brilliant book called Strong Women Stay Young by Miriam E. Nelson PhD. She gives lots of detail on how to do the work at home. It is about weights, but it’s for fighting against bone loss and increasing mobility as you age. She advises doing slightly heavier weights, but far fewer reps as the best way. I could go on for ages about this book. They did trials where women in their 70s no longer needed walking aids.

This thread is pushing me to action and I’m off to find my weights.

Im also planning on trying to habit stack a bit of dancing to some good old bopping music around the house. The gym is no longer the place for me.

I do enjoy dancing. Obviously I'm awful at it, but when alone in the house get my groove on.

Honestly, OP, there is no need to go to the gym. buy some weights, a resistance band and a good mat. Then try some online HIIT or bodyweight or weighttraining/kettlebell classes. they are free, varied levels of intensity and timing. So if you feel low energy you can do a quick 10 min HIIT and if you want a good workout, go for 45mins-1 hour. No one is looking.

Ditch the gym and spend the money you recoup on a couple of PT sessions to ensure your body posture is correct to prevent injury.

Go for power walks instead of runs. If you walk really fast, you get the cardio and muscular benefits without the danger of injury that running or jogging involve. The advantage of power walking is it's habit forming. you;ll find yourself power walking to the station to go to work, power walking across town to do Christmas shopping.(I don't mean embarrassing wriggly-bottomed Roy Castle power walking, just walking way faster than you normally would until you are overtaking everyone around you and out of breath.)

BTW, thanks for all the super-helpful tips and the solidarity. So glad to find people who understand!

OP, I get that's it's miserable. I hated every second of school sport and binned my trainers on the last day of sixth form.

Thirty years later almost to the day, I knew I needed to do something. I couldn't face the gym and all those smug fit people so I ran near home. It was embarrassing but marginally better. And I kept it up because I refused to give in. Finally I got to the point I could run park run and suddenly it became more sociable. Things are much more bearable.

Do you have any friends who would welcome a bit of encouragement of you saying 'why don't you come too.' Being hopeless together is much more fun. If there's two of you, the shame turns into defiance. 🙂

Too much thinking not enough doing!

I was shit at PE at school. Even now I still wangle myself out of any mums tennis or rounders games.

But I’ve learned to enjoy exercising. You seem to have a very set mindset. I say get some good tunes on and do your workout. Everyone is too busy looking at themselves to notice you. If you can afford it get a PT.

Also you could try fast walking. Still gets the heart rate up.

Stop wallowing and get your trainers on. 💪🏻

Not entirely fair! I do swimming and pilates, as I've said, and do go to the gym, as I've said, but the shame is almost crippling. Yesterday I did a Joe Wicks workout. Shortly I will brave the gym, as I'm paying for it. I was after psychological tips on 'getting over myself' or solidarity with others who feel the same.

Logically I know people aren't looking at me, but the Shame is a visceral and involuntary reaction.

I’m with you .. I hate exercise and have lost count of how much I’ve paid in gym membership that I haven’t used. When I was approaching 50 a friend talked me into signing up for a 10k. I did C25k and joined a really supportIve ‘social’ running club. I still hate running, but I know I’m doing something for myself. There are lots of ladies of a certain age .. quite a lot of us hate running .. but we do it and once its done (done and dusted in an hour) we feel positive about ourselves. No endorphin rush but proud of gettIng out there and plodding along. It costs me less that £50 a year and the routine , and getting to see friends and moan about running sends me back. We’re all in it together. If you want to find something more social and less athletic then look at runtogether.co.uk for local groups .

There is a gym in the city called Ouch Potato, full of mildly incompetent middle-aged women, which would be ideal. But it's far enough away to be not really a goer.

I only moved here five years ago, and two of those have been Covid, so I haven't really made the sort of friends I could be incompetent at exercise with. The idea of joining a running club is terrifying.

I think it is a case of making exercise a habit so you don't think and just do and think about anything but that you just want it to stop. I would also try a number of different types of exercise until you find what you really like and what that is may change over time too.

A year ago I got a bike through the cycle to work scheme. I never thought I would enjoy it, but I really do and it has become a no think habit just get on and go. It is also solitary which in my case helps me!

I like outdoor exercise far more than indoor too.