How do I stop the body shame and start to love exercise?

[herbaceous]

Fat and flabby 58-year-old here, trying to get off my arse and go to the gym, for which I'm paying every month.

The problem is the very thought makes me want to cry. I do go, as I know I 'have' to – in order to build bone strength, maintain muscle, not die prematurely, yadda yadda – but shuffle around, doing machines, avoiding the scary free-weights area, and trying to fill 30 minutes until I can reasonably leave again. An inner monologue just starts up 'I hate this I hate this I hate this', which doesn't help matters.

It is not remotely enjoyable, I never get any better and there is no fabled 'endorphin rush'. Instead I feel this weird visceral shame about it all. If anyone comes near me, I have to look away, and often stop what I'm doing. All these people in one place doing something as intimate as improving their bodies just feels weird!

I tried running, as that is solitary and hard to make excuses to avoid, but felt similar about that. Ashamed of my ineptitude, hated feeling so knackered, and never got that 'runner's high'. Swimming is acceptable, bizarrely, but not quite enjoyable enough to make it worth the hassle involved.

Can anyone relate? And has anyone overcome the shame? I'm sure it's a hangover from hideous school PE, where the only goal was to be good enough for the team. (Obvs team sports are a total no-go area these days.)

I absolutely get what you mean about type A and B people. I've got into a sport in the past year where confidence makes a huge difference. I'm an over-thinker and ny head gets in my way quite a lot. Lots of people that are better players than me are very bright, intelligent people, but they are a lot more instinctive physically, their thinking doesn't get in the way as much. They don't doubt themselves as much. It makes a huge difference.

Anyway, I hope you find some form of exercise that you love and find addictive and you enjoy the company of the other participants.

I wonder how deep these body shaming thoughts go. Is this related to anxiety? Have you considered CBT? Just a thought.

You're at the wrong gym then. There are lots of older people, unfit people, overweight people at my gym and the PTs are beautiful people who are supportive and kind to everyone. I love watching the 20 something year old guys chatting to women in the 70s, celebrating their achievements. They make us all feel good whoever we are.

I never used to do much in the way of exercise, am very much in my head, have to think hard about how to move my body, and am now obsessed with strength training so I don't think it's a type A type B thing. It's finding the thing that works for you.

I am probably in the wrong gym, yes. It's a compromise between paying loads for fancy pants place with loads of PTs (and then not going) or paying least possible so not wasting money. It's the Gym Group, so cheap and cheerful. No actual PTs on the staff, and what staff there are stay in the office. Or aren't there at all.

I did, however, go on Sunday and managed 20 minutes before the 'FFS I hate this' monologue started, so that's a bit better than usual. And despite a weights area being occupied by competent-looking people I went in there and did some bicep curls.

Swimming lesson tonight, which is my cardio for the week!

I am no more tempted by running or park run than before. For me running is humiliation cubed. I did it for two years. I hate how I just slam into the ground each stride, how it's such a terminal slog, how I get asthma for about two hours afterwards, and that there is nothing else to think about other than how ghastly it is. At least with good old aerobics classes you have to think about the choreography or something.

I spent lots of money on cheap memberships I never used too. Then I found the difference with a gym where you're supported. The cost per use of the 'cheap' ones I didn't stick to in a 12 month contract is huge compared to the cost per use of the 'expensive' one I go to 4 times a week every week. And the health benefits both physical and mental are huge.

Just like you OP, I hated exercise when younger (loathed Games and PE at school, etc) then found my happy place with aerobics and step! I have done C25K before (twice) but just can't get to a point where I can run regularly enough to encourage myself to keep going, my DC are still young so I can't leave them on their own whilst I run. We do have a gym near us where I could go and they could attend the creche, but blimey it's expensive

Could you join a local walking group or dance class? I've enjoyed both of those in the past - ceroc in particular was brilliant for making friends and keeping busy, with the added bonus of improving my fitness!

PS I would love to join a gym called Ouch Potato

Find an exercise you actually enjoy!

I don’t like lifting weights at the gym, but I do like bodypump because I like the music. I am not that interested in treadmills but I do like trail running, for the scenery. I love riding my bike, and love ice skating though I am bad at it. I love snowboarding. I love swimming. I love dancing (any kind, ballet, contemporary, clubbing).

I’m an overweight 45 year old, and was never sporty at school. Always small and a slow runner, and picked last. I’ve found things in adulthood that I like doing, and do those.

🥹

A fellow B here, your post hit the nail on the head..

You see that’s the thing. Everyone says ‘find an exercise you enjoy’. What if there is no such thing? If people like me just are no good at it, making it not fun, and just a chore? That’s why I’ve chosen the gym, as it seems the most calories burned and metabolic benefits for the least amount of time I have to spend. Other than running, but I’ve been through that!

I’ve just been again, and two more things occurred to me.

1. It’s something about the entitlement to be the, and take up space. I ventured into a free weights area, despite it being occupied by flailing sweaty man on an punchbag, and picked up a dumbbell. Started my bicep curls. Over-inflated man with small head came in, grabbed a mat really close to me and made himself a space. I had to move to accommodate him. Someone else came in and started their stuff really close. I moved against the wall. Then gave up.

1. Gym equipment is designed for male proportions. The clips to hold weights in barbells are huge and stiff, and too big for women’s hands. The machines are configured so that to get the seat in the right place for any upper body work, your feet dangle above the floor.

I just leave the place seething!

Caveat. I started synchronised swimming 18 months ago, and it’s an absolute hoot.

You clearly do not enjoy the gym, or at least your gym. Several posters, including me, have suggested Caroline Girvan, i.e. working out with dumbbells at home.

Please do check her out and give her a try. She has changed many lives, including mine. I am nearly 70, started off with 3kg dumbbells 4+ years ago. Now I am routinely using 8kg and 10kg, and 12.5kg for some stuff.

It's not just my fitness, or my muscle definition - it's a tremendous mood booster. I used to make periodic attempts at joining my local gym. Aerobics, dance exercise, personal trainers, the dreaded weights room ....... didn't enjoy and never lasted long. Now I can't wait to get going with my 8 am workout with the lovely Caroline!

I was thinking of you and Caroline as I cursed the machinery today. I think I’ll give her a go.

With a recent pay rise I pay for membership of a local gym that has classes. I have wanted to do yoga for years but have always hated the gym and exercise classes and never maintained attendance for long.

Tried yoga. Tried floating yoga (on a stand up board). Really wanted to like it but hated it. H.A.T.E.D. It was painful, I was crap and never did more than one session despite trying different types and instructors.

Booked an aqua fit session and loved it. I go twice weekly every week and really put effort in. It's lots of older ladies some with mobility issues so I don't feel judged.

Just find something you enjoy. Honestly it's not you, it's the wrong fit of exercise.

I did an aqua fit class during Covid, and it was great! They don’t seem to be running any more.

Change your gym OP, I’ve been a member of many gyms over the years (including the Gym Group ones) and some are better than others in terms of atmosphere and motivation. When you find a gym with people (staff and customers) who are friendly, motivating, kind it makes such a difference.
I know the Gym Group is cheap, but the atmosphere is awful generally and I relate to feeling uncomfortable and just wanting to leave. Not all gyms are like that.

Agree with power walking
one of the best exercises and it is free

Agree with the Caroline recommendations. You just need some weights and a mat and you are set to go at home. She has some good 30 minute ones so you can be done and showered in under an hour. But I would probably start with her beginners epic program. Just use what weight you are happy with though and build up - the amounts she manages are a bit scary! Although I found I could quickly increase my weights. Gyms can be weird and you could probably find a nicer one but working out at home takes much less time. Maybe use a fitness tracker to keep you motivated?

Since you liked aerobics would a Zumba class be a good fit? But you are already swimming and doing Pilates so that is great and you might not need to add more in.

Gyms are indeed weird. There’s something about a lot of people doing something so intimate as improving their bodies, individually yet together, that freaks me out.

I tried a Caroline Girvans workout yesterday and liked it! No-nonsense yet friendly, with handy tips. I did a 20-min dumbbell workout with 5kg weights, which were too light for some stiff and too heavy for others, so think I’ll bite the bullet and get some decent dumbbells. As you say, quicker and less easy to avoid than the gym!

Gosh, there's a lot going on here. It actually sounds like lifting heavy is what you'd enjoy most, but I wouldn't recommend Gym Group. I'd actually recommend looking at specialist lifting gyms - I am aware this sounds insane, considering how you feel about the free weights area, but the general atmosphere is usually a lot better and there's a range of body types and ages. If you're worried about looking fat, you'll feel a lot better after seeing some heavyweight powerlifters.
When you're imagining how "fit" and "competent" users are looking at you, is that how you'd be thinking about anyone less capable than you? At anything? I would hope not. Remember - being fit, strong, or good at whatever sport doesn't mean you have to be a prick. There's no reason they'd be like that.
You'd need coaching to learn most types of free weight, ideally. There are a lot of options with strength based sports/training. Bikini fitness or bodybuilding is just one - you don't have to be interested in that AT ALL. Powerlifting is based on lifting heavier. "Heavy" depends on your experience level, bodyweight and gender. What's heavy for you isn't the same as for me. It's easier to find coaching for this than Olympic lifting.
There are no type A and type B people who either enjoy being "in their body" or not, you just don't like training right now because it's very hard at a low fitness level. That sucks, but is changeable.

You need to find a method of exercise you actually enjoy. If you don't like the gym, try something else. Zumba, walking, aerial arts

I’d love to be able to run (jog) but starting from scratch I don’t have the confidence to go round the streets (I don’t belong to a gym and have no room for a treadmill) so I’ve started (don’t laugh) running up and down indoors for ten minutes every other day. It’s knackering and I pray for the clock to count down but I can already feel the muscles in my bum tightening with the effort and once I’ve finished I feel great

Lucy Wyndham Read has a great series of indoor running sessions for beginners,@User0000009 - here is the 1st one:

That’s brilliant! Thank you x

A good pt completely changed my attitude to exercise. I told her exactly what I wanted, to get stronger and sort dodgy shoulders.
I said I didn't want to be weighed or discuss food at all. As soon as I bring weight into it I get fed up!
I did a 10 week course a year ago and I've continued regularly working out at the gym since. I've increased the weight I can lift gradually and I feel so much better and actually really enjoy it. Aches and pains have decreased so much and I love seeing the weight creep up.
Have a look around at local pts if you can afford it. Phone them and have a chat and only go with them if you click.