How do I stop the body shame and start to love exercise?

[herbaceous]

Fat and flabby 58-year-old here, trying to get off my arse and go to the gym, for which I'm paying every month.

The problem is the very thought makes me want to cry. I do go, as I know I 'have' to – in order to build bone strength, maintain muscle, not die prematurely, yadda yadda – but shuffle around, doing machines, avoiding the scary free-weights area, and trying to fill 30 minutes until I can reasonably leave again. An inner monologue just starts up 'I hate this I hate this I hate this', which doesn't help matters.

It is not remotely enjoyable, I never get any better and there is no fabled 'endorphin rush'. Instead I feel this weird visceral shame about it all. If anyone comes near me, I have to look away, and often stop what I'm doing. All these people in one place doing something as intimate as improving their bodies just feels weird!

I tried running, as that is solitary and hard to make excuses to avoid, but felt similar about that. Ashamed of my ineptitude, hated feeling so knackered, and never got that 'runner's high'. Swimming is acceptable, bizarrely, but not quite enjoyable enough to make it worth the hassle involved.

Can anyone relate? And has anyone overcome the shame? I'm sure it's a hangover from hideous school PE, where the only goal was to be good enough for the team. (Obvs team sports are a total no-go area these days.)

I get that but I was responding to your negative language around Caroline Girvan and your theory of body/brain people.

This is Mumsnet and the great thing about it is you’ll get a variety of responses. Some will be supportive, some will be more of a kick up the bum variety. All worth reading and thinking about.

I hope you can find something that helps. As feeling healthy and good about yourself is the best thing ever.

That's one of the many things that's annoying. When I do exercise I sleep better and feel less mad. When I used to be fit and slim it was great. But yet still the lazy/scared part of me often over-rides these facts!

You just have to stop making a myriad of excuses and start exercising. Unless you want a health scare due to being middle aged living an overweight and sedentary lifestlye, to be the thing that spurs you on. Why do you want to 'love' exercise? You may never love it. I don't. But Im 60 and I want to be as strong and fit as I can, within reason. Fight the frail.

I use dumbbells and resistance bands at home. Sometimes I follow routines on You Tube. There are loads, and its free. Im no health freak and can be lazy af at times. But i figure if you can't even be bothered to exercise at home in front of a screen with someone guiding you then, that's beyond lazy. So my lazy has a limit.

15 minutes morning & 15 minutes evening is do-able.

I started going to the gym when I was about your age, and didn't much like it.
You can watch TV on the machines at mine and I used to indulge in 'Homes Under the Hammer' to pass the time, these days I listen to The Archers omnibus edition.
It took months for the mythical endorphins to kick in, it just used to knacker me.
I have had a one-to-one training session with a sympathetic woman expert in rehab work, so knows what she's doing with feeble and out of shape people.
Ten years on and I'm fitter and stronger than ever, get told I have good posture, and at a recent medical appointment was assumed to be much younger than I am.

Go and volunteer, you'll see that's not true.

I would say, philosophically, a lot of people are reluctant to step out of their comfort zone not only because All Change Is Bad And Wrong, but because of some unconscious worry about somehow losing themselves.
We can never be anyone else. Whatever we do, whatever we choose, you can only ever be yourself.

But bear in mind, it's ... optimistic in the extreme to expect things to change in the absence of different choices and actions...

I'm very good at trying new stuff, feeling the fear and doing it anyway, and entirely changing my life. I retrained at 50 to become a teacher, moved 200 miles to a new city at 53, had to rebuild my work and social life, and am now doing a masters-level qualification. I am constantly taking on new challenges. So it's not that.

The body shame is just a constant vein through all health-related endeavours, that it seems some people get, and some don't!

I do listen to music etc at the gym, but then I find I don't work hard enough and just bimble. If I'm there, I may as well work as hard as possible!

I hate exercise. Hate it.

Can you afford a personal trainer? I started with one a year ago and it has changed my attitude (and body) so much. The right trainer is important. The one I work out with is in her 50s and interesting and fun and we have a lovely chat while she gets me to exercise much harder than I would if I was on my own. And the sessions are tailored to me and my body.

I can only afford to see her once a week, but doing the sessions has made me re-think what I eat and generally incorporate more movement into my everyday activities. I have lost weight, am getting more toned and am much stronger than I was (which was actually my main goal.)

I joined the gym at 61 after years of running badly and being sniffy about gym bunnies. I now love the classes - just so what you can to start with and kinda zone out. As for the gym itself - if you hate running, don't do it! There's rowing, cross training etc. Get an audiobook on your phone or a podcast and get engrossed as you do the weights etc. If you think the youngsters are judging you ask yourself if they'll be in the gym at your age.
And finally stop being so negative about this. None of us can give you a magic bullet. If you tell yourself it's hell it will be.

I'm sure there's a gap in the market for a 'type B' personal trainer, who can commiserate with you about how horrible it is, talk about books or current affairs or whatever's interesting, and actually make it fun. Maybe a reward card with stamps giving you a cake or a margarita after 10 sessions...

All the PTs at the gym are muscle-bound youngsters with 'reps for days' or other such stuff on their t shirts, and lots of talk of these mythical 'goals'.

A nice 50yo lady PT once a week would prob be a good investment if I could find one.

There was a youngling in the gym with those arse-enhancing shorts, filming herself with a ring light and a tripod the other day. Obvs I tried to get my flabby arse in shot as much as possible.

I haven't read all the replies op, but I know exactly what you mean.

Can you workout at home? I have a selection of weights and kettlebells from aldi or lidl and a gym mat and I do YouTube workouts.

Favorites are Bodyfit by Amy and PMA fitness and I've just discovered caroline Girvan. I totally get the endorphins from a hard home workout and I don't need to go anywhere.

Working out at home would mean fewer excuses and less body shame, meaning a kick up the arse would probably get me over the final motivational problem hurdle!

I do them now and then, when really can't face the gym, but maybe need to commit to more of a structure.

I used to hate exercise until I discovered Caroline Girvan. She literally changed my life. The single focus on weights and good form, the simple struture of the workouts, the incredibly high production values, the lack of any kind of faff, no pep talks, her unannoying personality...

As a PP said, Advent is a good series to start with as these are quite short, but I'd also check out EPIC Beginners as these will teach you correct form for all the moves. 2-4 kg is a good starting weight, but you'll soon find that you are ready for 6 or 8kg.

After Advent, I'd suggest looking at full-body workouts from several of her other series and then do the series whose format seems most appealing. I particularly like EPIC Heat.

I'd add that a strong core makes a tremendous difference. I do a plank every single day - the Bowflex 3-minute plank is a good one, or I do a chunk of Caroline's 15-minute plank workout.

Rebecca Louise's Best Abs workout is also excellent, as is Lucy Wyndham Read's Thighs & Glutes.

I'd never have believed how far I've come in just a few years. At nearly 70 I'm fitter than most women in their 40s. And I bloody love working out now!!

I know exactly what you mean about your two groups of people - I suspect you could overlay the subsets with 'people who liked games at school' and 'people who even now still secretly fear the class instructor will make two people pick teams'. It's so hard to shake off that overthinking self-consciousness.

Excellent advice upthread but my own twopenn'orth: you need a gateway class. For me it was Body Balance/yoga: I knew I could make a decent attempt at it, so went often enough to feel like 'a gym goer'. Then I tried Zumba, loved it, got a bit fitter and braver, tried Body Pump and found I could do that too. Heaving weights over my head makes me feel strong and competent! Now I'm going to Functional Step which is nearly killing me, but weirdly that doesn't seem to stop me going. The barriers in my head between Type A and Type B people are slowly being broken down. But I will never enjoy running, not matter how many times I do C25K.

Or just find a different gym. Our local council gym has a big focus on community fitness and most of the instructors are 40+. The emphasis on health rather than physical perfection makes it so much easier to turn up, sweat a bit, then go home.

@herbaceous I used to go to the gym to do classes, circuits and weights, then had a nasty injury mid-class, refused to go back to that gym as I kind of blame them for a slippery floor, the pandemic hit, and I started working out at home post injury.
I bought some hand weights, a decent mat, kettle bells, medicine ball, and now work out 3 or 4 times a week, usually 30 or 45 mins, with Caroline Girvan, Penny Garage Fitness (not her real name!), Juice and Toya (a fab US couple).
Sometimes a friend joins me, sometimes I do it solo. The weights have transformed the way I look and feel, it's quick and easy to fit in, I don't feel self-conscious (I sweat quite a lot and hate being in front of ppl when I'm literally leaking), and it's free. The first step is the hardest....just give some different things a try and see what motivates you and makes you feel good. Good luck!

@herbaceous yep that’s what 50% of our running club members say .. that’s why we offer a complete beginners group with 30 seconds running at time. You don’t have to like it … just do it and take the first step, that really is the most difficult one .. its the social side that keeps most of our members coming back .

Try walking in the countryside or just walking in parks etc. You don't have to wear uncomfortable revealing clothes and it won't hammer your knees like skipping or running. Aim for 10,000 steps plus in a session (not per day).

It’s not the cardio and steps that I need really, it’s the strength. I don’t really have time for 10,000-step walks on a regular basis, unless they’re taking me somewhere I need to go anyway!

Have you seen a parkrun in action?
Yes there's the speedy club run guys at the front, but they're done and dusted in about 17-22 mins and are long gone very quickly. Parkrun is actively encouraging walking and has a parkwalk role in addition to the tail walker. The parkwalker literally just goes for a walk at their own pace. At one of my regular parkruns, there's a chap in the 95-99 age group thwarting the Drs who said that he might never walk again after a fall, and he makes his way round on his walking poles in about an hour.

I've done it at a range of paces from challenging myself at sub-30s, to leisurely jogs, run/walking, walking with a young child, or through injury or because I'm saving my energy. It's participation that's rewarded, not speeds.

There's lots of running clubs aimed at C25k and casual runners. Running with people of similar ability is very heartening.

I love exercise in my 40s, but I'm not a natural graced with talent and a well built body. I'm naturally stiff, achey and suceptible to niggles and injuries. I love my body though. It's done cool things like learning to run and doing a marathon. It's not a fashionable shape and never has been, but it's my vessel for life and deserves respect and to be looked after. My car is no dream sports car, but she does her job well. She looks nice when I clean out the crap and wash her. I put good fuel in her and keep her well serviced. She gets me to where I need to go. My body is no less worthy of respect than my car, and I don't get a chance to trade my body in if I think it's knackered.

It's worth keeping a record of what you do to see achievements, progress and just doing it. Excersise often doesn't get easier, you just realise sometimes that you've achieved far more on the same effort than you did a few months earlier. That's one of the things I like about running; it's very measurable. I never expected to love it after being barked at by the PE teacher and jeered by classmates, and running around a school field was fucking boring. Being an adult, chosing to run alone or with like-minded people and choosing routes that are interesting and purposeful is utterly different.

OP, I have a brilliant psychological tip for getting over yourself, taught to me by a friend who is a life coach. It's called Thought Auditions. Basically, you pretend you are Simon Cowell or similar, and your thought wanders onto the stage of your life wanting to try out for the new healthy life you are creating. If it isn't right for the life you are creating, you buzz it off with the big red button. You don't judge it, you just say, 'Not today thanks, I'm looking for a different kind of mindset at the moment.'

It may seem mad to some people but I love it and find it works very quickly.

Another thing I find helpful is to remind myself of the truth that no one is really looking at me. Everyone is obsessed with how they look and what weights they are lifting today. I'm just not that important to complete strangers.

I love exercise...when I'm fit and after I've done it 😂

I can't do home workouts reliably because I end up in the tantrum stage just lying on the floor thinking what's the point I'm rubbish.

The best I've ever been was going to the free weights section with my partner and just doing whatever he did but with easier weights. I guess like a free, and slightly less pushy PT! But I also get quite scared of the area. I think if you want to crack it, you need to get a written plan to follow so you don't awkwardly linger thinking erm what now.

There's also a lot to be said for scheduling the exact time you will be going to the gym that week. Don't be over ambitious, put it in as a plan and then don't think about it. So you might be thinking every day oh I should go to the gym tomorrow. Start just putting two times a week that you plan to go to the gym. If they're in the morning, get all your stuff ready and get dressed straight into it in the morning. Basically don't think about the exercise at all until you're there, just treat it like a fixed plan! And then enjoy not feeling guilt the rest of the week because you dont need to be wondering if you should go to the gym or not!

It sounds like you would really benefit from finding real life exercise buddies at a similar stage to you. I'd suggest doing a park walk at parkrun to see what it's like, all you need to do is walk 5k and you will see and get chatting to people who are just like you in terms of age and fitness. The friendliest people are at the back. You could even volunteer as parkwalker and then your job is to be the slowest person on the course!

I'm not sure about your type A and type B people - and even if they exist, it is possible to move from one group to another. I am really not coordinated and still can't throw, hit or catch a ball for toffee. Group exercise classes are a nightmare for me because I find it difficult to translate what I see into action.

Four years ago I only got exercise when it fitted into my day as you describe. I couldn't swim 50m and got shin splints running for a bus. But having started with C25K in lock down I have built up, to the point where I now do some sort of activity most days and have started doing triathlons. I love the feeling of pushing my own limits - the exhilaration of going from barely able to swim to successfully swimming a mile in the sea is something else! Having started in the >10:30 minute mile group at my running club I am now in the second fastest group and have never felt anything but welcomed and supported the whole way.

And yet strength training I still find difficult to motivate myself to do. I know I need to do it for bone and muscle health but it's not something that I feel drawn to. But I have learned from the last few years that if I keep trying I will find a way to make it work for me. At the moment I've committed to doing 10 minutes of mixed strength and high impact work a day - I do it mostly at home with resistance bands and whatever I have round the house. Knowing I need to do it each day, and using a tracker to keep me accountable for maintaining a streak, seems to be helping so far.

On body image, remember that the superfit people are so focussed on themselves and their selfies for instagram that they'll not notice you. And if you keep a good eye out there may well be a few women of your age who would welcome a friendly smile and chat. Have a look at the PT profiles at the gym and in the area and see if you can find someone you'd feel comfortable working with.

At the moment I've committed to doing 10 minutes of mixed strength and high impact work a day - I do it mostly at home

Try Growingannanas on YouTube. A lot of her workouts are HIIT, but she also has quite a few that are strength based and use dumbbells. Very well structure workouts, high production values, low level music and no chatting. And free.

Bluetooth headphones and Audible on my phone do it for me! An audio book or a podcast get me through 30 mins on the machines and a kettlebell set.

I think you come across as very self conscious. You can exercise at home or in the gym. If you go to the gym no one will look at you at all. Everyone is just there for themselves. I went to the gym today for an hour and I could not describe one single person who was there at the same time as me. I don’t understand why you think people in the gym would be particularly preoccupied with you to be honest.