Boris Johnson has urged Tory MPs to hold their nerve as fears over supply shortages rise up the political agenda and ministers worry that the party may run short of excuses by Christmas. Several top party figures have been spotted panic-buying explanations, while others were seen queueing for hours amid reports of emergency supplies of mitigation.
The prime minister is under intense political pressure to relax border controls so that cheap European excuses can be rushed into the country before the situation deteriorates. He has tweaked the immigration rules to allow another 5,000 visas for EU justifications, but many major excuse-producers say it is not worth their while for such a short timeframe.
Meanwhile, Labour leader Keir Starmer has said 100,000 European excuses should be allowed in to get the government through Christmas. Even so, ministers have found themselves relying heavily on the “things are just as bad in Europe” defence.
Johnson is hanging tough, saying that some Brexit turbulence was inevitable and this is all part of his plan to turn Britain into a high-skill, high-excuse nation. Meanwhile, Tory strategists are secretly delighted with Labour’s demand, which they see as a tactical error that can be exploited to suggest the opposition lacks the patriotism to believe in Britain’s ability to produce its own excuses. The PM has instructed colleagues to stay strong and not give in to the doomsters and gloomsters.
“I believe that this proud nation can produce world-beating exculpations if we just back ourselves to do so,’’ he told the Conservative party conference this week. “We’ve been blagging our way out of trouble since the Treaty of Breda.”
Johnson believes that after centuries as a global excuse powerhouse, the Conservatives have become too reliant on importing low-cost eastern European alibis, as membership of the EU offered ministers the ready argument that it was all Brussels’ fault. He feels businesses and politicians need to get used to paying a little more for great British pretexts.
The PM is said to be very pleased with the way a number of his colleagues have already risen to the challenge with some imaginative solutions, which include a sudden government concern for the working conditions of hauliers. Others are making greater use of frozen excuses, which can be utilised later in the year when plausible explanations are running low. One minister has bought a freezer full of frozen Polish arguments to be deployed, should the government face a turkey shortage at Christmas.
In Manchester, Conservatives were queueing round the block to blame tight-fisted businesses for the supply shortage but Johnson has urged MPs not to stock up on get-outs, saying there are more than enough to go around if people keep their heads. Even so, ministers are worried that stocks of finger-pointing may be rapidly depleted if they are not used more sparingly.
Earlier this week came more bad news, when it emerged that a number of key policy announcements that might have distracted voters had not been delivered to the party conference and were still stuck in a depot due to a lack of drivers. The army has been placed on standby to deliver life-saving, headline-grabbing news if shortages do not ease.
One MP said a major shortage of excuses could be the last straw for the public’s patience: “They can understand we have had a pandemic and they can understand the odd supply issue, but if we have no decent lines to give them about why it isn’t our fault that could lead to a major crisis of confidence.”
Johnson is facing growing calls for a minister for alibis or an excuses task force to spur production. Several old excuses may also be called out of retirement on very attractive salary packages to fill in the gaps temporarily.
There will also be a new emphasis on levelling up. Tories argue that too many justifications are still produced in the south of England, where they are also dominated by metropolitan elite views, when a dose of down-to-earth northern reassurance might be more effective.
Ministers are committing to a new skills agenda that will see hundreds of millions of pounds spent on upskilling young people in the north so that they can produce their own local excuse champions. There is also a drive ahead of the COP26 conference to develop new green excuses so that Britain can lead the world in environmentally friendly evasion.
Johnson remains confident that the government is entering its delivery phase. It’s just that the schedule may be open to last-minute changes.