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Brexit

Westminstenders: Spitting Image Reimagined

960 replies

RedToothBrush · 12/02/2019 16:45

In a parallel universe Spitting Image never left our screens.

Theresa is a zombie who the other Tories can not not kill no matter how many times they try. Attempts to try and bump her off make up a regular weekly slot.

Spreadsheet Phil is a bit like John Major; grey and dull. But Spreadsheet Phil has something else. A giant magic calculator he spends the entire time adding up the cost of Brexit, until his fingers start giving off smoke from the speed.

The Saj. The Saj is gonna fix it. The Saj makes a point of trying to be more xenophobic than every other member of the Cabinet at meetings until everyone looks at him ranting incoherently about an orchestraed army of illegals invading on board a flottilla of inflatable kayaks.

Jeremy, now has a union jack lapel badge where his NHS one once was placed. Jeremy is a suck up. No matter what the subject, he's the one on the button with party sentiment. He flip flops depending on what the latest hot topic of Conservative Home is. He spends a lot of time checking the website for inspiration. He's usually also about two inches away from May's arse.

Stephen is a stuffed teddy bear, devoid of personality. He just gets passed around and sat in the right chair at EU meetings and doesn't speak or do much whilst wearing his rapidly fading Vote Leave Tshirt.

Gavin generally sits in the corner playing with his toy soliders and the unlucky soul he's forced to play with him today. They always look petrified and as if they have been taken hostage.

David sit with his head perpetually in his hands. He's forever cleaning up the mess that Chris has made in the office.

Matt, has an app on his phone that he constantly plays with. He now wears Jeremy's old lapel badge. He is currently trying to order body bags and insulin and not look incredibly worried. He would like a bus, but no one will give him one.

No one can remember who on earth Damian even is. They keep asking his name and job title. Its like his entire department has fallen down the crack at the back of the sofa.

Dr Liam, just bores the tits off everyone showing them his latest holiday snaps of some far flung African country no one can find on the map.

Greg. Poor Greg. He offers the Japanese a cracking deal. Then Theresa blew it. Generally speaking his job is purely to ring around businesses shouting 'ITS ALL GOING TO BE FINE. REALLY IT IS. HONEST. I PROMISE YOU'. With ever decreasing panic and sense of terror with each new call.

Michael, like Jeremy tries to stand as close to Theresa as physically possible. He's weasel looking with his hand constantly behind his back concealing a knife.

Chris sits plays with a lighter and a naked fuel or some other lethal combination, looking at it with wonder about what might happen if they touch. Everyone tends to try and sit as far away from Chris as possible as usually there is a disaster close at hand.

Amber, after having got another job after being sacked to save May resigning from the Home Office, spends the entire time threatening to resign again. Everyone ignores her, because they know she'll never do it. She's just background noise.

Andrea just fetches the home made jam, tea and biscuits and looks confused most of the time.

The potrait of Maggie on the wall, just looks on with a new expression of horror each episode.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
35
HazardGhost · 14/02/2019 14:11

Awww pretty you two are so lovely Smile

prettybird · 14/02/2019 14:16

I got dh a bottle of malt like usual - although apparently I've got him it before Hmm (Try to choose a new one each time, from whatever is on offer at Tesco or Sainsbury's).

1tisILeClerc · 14/02/2019 14:18

{ from whatever is on offer at Tesco or Sainsbury's}
That sounded so romantic but you spoiled it with this part.

TalkinPeece · 14/02/2019 14:19

Tanith
YES !

prettybird · 14/02/2019 14:24

Being in Scotland we get a reasonable choice Wink. This time round he got The Glenlivet Founder's Reserve. And being a Scot, he wouldn't appreciate me paying the supposed "full price" Grin

borntobequiet · 14/02/2019 14:30

Issues sorted so I’m born again, very pleased because I’m fond of the old username.
Nothing else to say other than I was amused by a pointless discussion on PM yesterday between Evan Davis and a famous microbiologist (whose name I forget) on the subject of mould on jam, which Evan was clearly trying to make relevant and interesting. He was unsuccessful because the Prof just kept repeating that it was normal, you just scrape it off and if you eat it it won’t make you ill.

lonelyplanetmum · 14/02/2019 14:30

what is the Brexit equivalent of Five Gold Rings ??

Five Gove things?

67chevvyimpala · 14/02/2019 14:32

Badooom tish!

TalkinPeece · 14/02/2019 14:35

Its written .......
I'll start posting it this evening ...
on its own thread so I can find it again ;-)

Missbel · 14/02/2019 14:44

Good article by Nick Cohen in The Spectator excoriating both main parties www.spectator.co.uk/2019/02/the-corbyn-crack-up/ (Apologies if the link has already been given, but I haven't seen it).

And a good speech by Hilary Benn in the debate that's going on now. Oh for a rebellion by the sensible MPs on both sides of the House!

prettybird · 14/02/2019 14:45

Glad to be told by an expert that scraping mould off jam and eating the rest of the jam is ok because I do it all the time Grin

If it was Pennington, it is definitely ok as normally I think he is over cautious (he doesn't even like tea towels and thinks we should use single use kitchen paper for everything but admits his wife tells him to get lost on this Grin)

PestyMachtubernahme · 14/02/2019 14:46

China cancels trade talks with UK
What a surprise.
www.reuters.com/article/us-britain-china-talks-idUSKCN1Q312U

Littlespaces · 14/02/2019 14:58

We have pissed off Europe.

We have pissed off Ireland.

We have pissed off the USA (over Ireland)

and now we have pissed off China.

1tisILeClerc · 14/02/2019 15:02

Just as well that the UK is 'best buddies' with Russia then.

Motheroffourdragons · 14/02/2019 15:07

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ to protect the privacy of the user.

SusanWalker · 14/02/2019 15:12

I am missing everything today. Spent half the morning in the GP surgery with DD, now at camhs with ds, then parents evening tonight.

Good to hear Liam Fox is challenging Chris Grayling for the most useless minister award. We wouldn't want Chris to think he's got first prize in the bag. I'm sure with hardly any effort he could bring the country to a standstill (and not get sacked).

After all as the Tories always say, we can't have people doing nothing and expecting to be supported by the state.

Littlespaces · 14/02/2019 15:19

I think the award for most useless goes to Private Pike as he is widely known (Gavin Williamson) for threatening to employ warships in the Pacific while we were trying to negotiate a trade deal with China.

www.devdiscourse.com/article/international/381298-chinas-dy-pm-hu-chunhua-cancels-trade-talks-with-british-fm-philip-hammond

Missbel · 14/02/2019 15:21

I agree with you Littlespaces. Until then I wouldn't have believed that there could be a more incompetent minister than Graything.

prettybird · 14/02/2019 15:24

For a wee bit of light relief, Ruth Davidson's deputy (who is covering for her while she is on maternity leave) thinks she will be the next First Minister of Scotland Grin ...bless.... Wink

www.heraldscotland.com/news/17429629.ruth-davidson-likely-to-be-scotlands-next-first-minister/?fbclid=IwAR0wRLxW1agJYt99FsM1k-jIpbV1687ujAjiAGnVpbzqJtl8CK4cIlapOZM

The Conservatives are just sooooooo popular in Scotland Grin

Littlespaces · 14/02/2019 15:26

www.theglobalist.com/queen-elizabeth-south-china-sea-brexit/

There is a clear and present danger, though, of the UK seeking to continue its campaign to make itself the object of global ridicule by seeking to punch above its weight class.

HazardGhost · 14/02/2019 15:41

I've been avoiding the medications and journalist thread because I didn't want to face it, told myself not to be silly and have a look but I got to page 2 and I'm crying...

I'm so angry. And I'm so sad.

I need to stop crying - it's not helpful!

Forgot to say yesterday, can't remember who posted, but Heather got in contact with me via MNhq a few weeks back when mumsnet released the survey results.

Bit of a none starter, DP has something rare so I didn't want to 'out' us and I think at the time she was looking more for parent carers but I'm glad she's branching out.

Anyway...

fails

67chevvyimpala · 14/02/2019 15:48

I didn't even go on that thread hazard so you are braver than I x

PestyMachtubernahme · 14/02/2019 15:55

Hazard Flowers

Catherine Bearder
@catherinemep

For a group called the European Research Group, they appear to have done surprisingly little research on how the Europe Union actually works 🤔

6:55 AM - 14 Feb 2019

DGRossetti · 14/02/2019 16:00

Did anyone catch Liam Foxes explanation for doing so few trade deals ? Apparently it's because he's standing up for our human rights ?

Well fuck me sideways with a fish fork

www.theguardian.com/politics/2019/feb/13/post-brexit-trade-partners-ask-uk-to-lower-human-rights-standards

Britain has received demands to roll back its human rights standards in exchange for progress on post-Brexit trade deals, including from some countries that ministers are pushing to secure agreements with.

In an admission that some countries have sought to extract a high price for their continuing to trade with Britain after leaving the EU, Liam Fox, the international trade secretary, said some nations had made the requests as part of talks.

(contd)

Maybe drop that into a Leaver Love-in and hear the pants dropping as they attempt to outwank one another at the thought of even more damage to the poorest and most vulnerable.

Would I be controversial if I thought out loud that Human Rights disproportionately protect women rather than men ?

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