Ah, thats nice and quiet. Glad I could help. 
Heres something remainers really need to reflect on.
'Ah America, yes we'd love to have a trade deal with you. Here are our conditions;
All EU citizens have the right to come to your country and live and work there. Forever.
You must adopt our human rights laws and policies, and agree that our courts take ultimate precendence over your courts.
You must abide by EU rulings on all tax issues and agree to uniform tax rates. (We will of course be bringing in legislation within the next 5 years to specify how you then spend your tax revenues, and we will assume your agreement by silent acceptance of this)
You must agree to send 20,000 troops to join our european defence army. They must speak German and will be used to keep the peace in unruly EU states. (The spanish police were a little upset at the lack of support a couple of weeks back). Plus, weve been itching to have a go at the Turks, its a long story. If you dont send men, like Ireland wont, then we will charge you 2 billion a year to help us pay for our army.
You have too many people. So to balance what may be seen as an unbalanced proportional representation of Americans within the EU 'decision' making process, we are applying a new calculation to your population numbers and giving you 95 MEP seats. Germany has 96, and as we cant give you more than Germany (they sell us our Euros), 95 it is.
The Euro. You must adopt the Euro and then pass all monetary policy control to the ECB.
You must agree to never hold any referendum on any aspect of EU trade, law, policy, or membership. A few member states have tried that, and its a disaster for us, so we're banning them.
Finally, of course you can at some future point leave. We're not dictators. But all rights and laws included in this trade deal will remain. Forever.
In return, we'll buy your Ipads and Iphones. Its an OK product, but we dont really think EU citizens are that bothered about them.
Oh we can also offer Greece. Having crippled Greece by forcing punitive bailouts on them, we reckon youll be able to enjoy really cheap holidays there soon, that is, if all the accomodations arent filled with the migrants we're dumping back there. (PS Dont go to Spain, until we get an army, theyre getting touchy about tourists)
Love, The EU.
PS This is a 'no reply' mailing, as no one here actually has the authority to negotiate differently.