THE BREXIT FALLOUT OUT CONTINUES - THREAD SEVEN!
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The Story So Far – Blue Corner
Johnson & Gove stabbed Cameron & Osborne. They then won a big vote about something or other. I forget the details. I’m not sure it matters anymore.
Johnson got then stabbed by Gove. Johnson joined Leadsom. Gove got stung by his mate Boles who was trying stab Leadsom, and he ended up getting stabbed by just about everyone.
Where We Are Now – Blue Corner
Out of the ashes of the mess that the posh boys made, emerged two unexpected contenders to become the Torchbearer for the Tories.
#Team May
The Home Secretary, and the former figure of hate, is now looking like she might be the choice of sanity and the one who might just be able to save us from ourselves. She is the choice of the left and centre. The left and centre now being anyone who thinks ‘The 1950s were very nice, but actually we’d prefer not to go back there. A return to the 1970s is far enough, thanks’.
She is supported by just about the entire mainstream media (which in itself is quite an achievement – The Sun and The Guardian being united in editorial opinion) and the majority of Conservative MPs. We don’t know this, but she quite possibly unites the Labour Party on the subject too.
#Team Leadsom
The Junior minister made good, and has outmanoeuvred all her superiors in the cabinet to throw her hat in the ring. The trouble is that she’s either somewhat naïve, a bit of an arsehole or a scheming liar. And that’s the charitable version.
She is emerging as the Sarah Palin of the UK, and has some dubious looking Tea Party links. In the era of post fact politics Project Fear is now Project Smear. Of course this makes her Mrs Umbridge, the poor apple pie lover, bullied by the political elite and media establishment, rather than a fruit cake.
BUT
Underestimate her appeal at your peril. She has a big field of unicorns somewhere that we’ve not been able to track down on googlemaps so far, and she is preparing to unleash them.
She is the choice of the Right. She is supported by much of the depths of twitter, Louise Mensch, UKIP, Arron Banks, BNP and Britain First.
Oh and that tax return? 
Our future fate is to be decided by 150,000 Conservative Members (two thirds of whom are men and roughly 50% of whom are over sixty).
How we look back at David Cameron’s tweet on the 4th May 2015 with such fondness:
Britain faces a simple and inescapable choice - stability and strong Government with me, or chaos with Ed Miliband.
Send me the link for the petition to ‘Come Back Dave, all is forgiven’. We have at least six weeks of this particular shower of shit to look forward to, before the next one hits.
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The Story So Far – Purple Corner
Many years ago, Nigel Farage founded the idea and started his one man campaign for the UK to leave the EU. (Except he didn’t. It was someone else’s idea. He just took over and took the credit for it). He became the poster boy for the Leave campaign, despite not being affiliated with it. He stood and claimed victory, without a shot fired.
As he said to the European Parliament with impeccable manners and good grace, ‘We aren’t laughing now’. To be fair to him, we weren’t. We were all shouting ‘FUCK OFF’ instead. After securing his £7000 pay rise as an MEP, he decided enough was enough, and it was time to ‘get his life back’ (he got sacked) and look for a career as a contestant on reality TV shows.
I hear Help I’m a Celeb have offered half a million for his services.
Where We Are Now – Purple Corner
Quicker than you can say, ‘Oh Thank God(win) for that’, we are already are starting to miss ‘Our Nige’, the cheeky chappy from next door. Instead the options are looking bleak, as candidates start to crawl out from under their rocks. The spectre of Arron Banks and his call to arms for ‘freedom’ lurks in the shadow.
For those of you unfamiliar with Mr Banks so far in this story, he’s one of UKIP’s biggest donors. He and his mate Andy Wigmore run an offshore insurance company out of Gibraltar. Banks, was head honcho of Leave.eu and one of his other mates, hypnotist Paul McKenna, gave advice on how to influence people with propaganda. Banks and Wigmore have some connections with Belize. Bank’s ex-wife was accused of being one of the KGB’s best agents. They are now divorced and she has a harassment order out on him. He does not like the ‘Uk elite’ and takes it personality.
Sounds like just the kind of guy, you’d love to move in as a neighbour.
This is the very definition of shit.
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The Story So Far – Red Corner
Once upon a time, there was a man named Blair. He waved a lot of flags said ‘Cool Britannia’ and smiled a lot. But Tony turned out to not be such a good ‘un. He didn’t play by the rules and got caught out. Blair was made to appear on national television to defend himself. He cried, and told us how he couldn’t sleep at night, but actually he did do the right thing and everyone is still wrong and we are all picking on him.
Does he need to go away and think about it for a while? Say, in a locked room for several years?
Where We Are Now – Red Corner
The WMD that Bliar lost in Iraq finally turned up in Labour HQ on 24th June. However, no one has been prepared to let off a controlled explosion yet. Apparently there is something of an aversion to Big Red Buttons (otherwise know to us simple folks as ‘Agreeing on Something’ and ‘Making Decisions’) within the party.
Corbyn, the champion of Momentum, has been carrying on as if nothing is happening, there is no problem and its everyone else is wrong, insisting that since he had a mandate from the people 10 months ago and it’s all still honky dory. He’s doing his job just fine and leading is well, a bit of an inconvenience to his rally schedule.
The Unions seem to have declared war on Tom Watson. His name has been added to the ever growing list of ‘traitors’.
Across the country action has been taken against these ‘traitors’. Normally this behaviour would be classed as ‘thuggery’ and ‘intimidation’. In post-fact Britain though, this is now acceptable, if it’s from the Left. Violence against Labour members is only disgusting if it is carried out by the right, you see.
Apparently, as the Momentum chief says, ‘winning’ is only a ‘small bit’ of democracy that matters to ‘political elites who want to keep power themselves’.
Obviously political gains that help and protect the interests of the working classes and poor are surplus to requirements. I guess their ultimate aim is to win no Labour seats at all then. Good stuff. We are headed in the right direction for that one.
Angela Eagle left her doorstep, and went on the telly after a week of refusing to make a decision to say ‘Ok I’m going to stand to remove a man who refuses to make decisions’. Apparently she is doing this to ‘Heal Labour’.
Someone break it to her, that if Labour gets its legs blown off by Corbynite, the chances of them healing, are somewhat remote.
To make matter worse, Corbyn disagrees with how you get on the ballot paper, and might not be it at this rate. Or it might end up in court. Like article 50.
Owen Smith is the other pretender to the Crown of Roses. We know who he is now. He’s err… He’s still welsh!
What do we reckon the chances of Labour surviving as one party are? Zero to none? This is more like wading through shit than a shower of it.
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The Story So Far – Yellow Corner
Tumbleweed
Where We Are Now – Yellow Corner
Everyone’s been praying for a ruddy miracle to end this torture and give the country an opposition party. Finally, Tim Farron, has awoken, removed his splinters from his arse, got off the fence in response to this. Amid growing rumblings of a complete political realignment and fleeing Labour and Conservative MPs, he says:
‘Hey folks, this political turmoil looks fun, can we join in too?!’
FACEPALM
No shit left to share.
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The consensus of opinion is that we might be a tiny teeny bit screwed.
Did someone mention the EU? EU? Oh fuck that, we’ve just about forgotten all that now!
Bigger fish to fry.
British ones of course.
We need really do need Gandalf to come save us from this madness.
Sense of humour compulsory. No experience necessary though
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