Ancestry results= family bombshell??

[SqueakyRadish]

Hey!
So... I did an ancestry thing just for fun, thought it would be cool to see my heritage etc.

Had my results back last week and it has "matched" me with another user that I share 27% of my DNA with, who it suggests is a half sibling or niece.

The most likely explanation (due to various factors) is that this is a niece.

But what the actual fuck do I do now? I feel awful because I know this and, as far as I know, nobody else in the family does.

I have one brother who has no children (or so I thought!) but who has been living, happily, with his partner and her 2 children for around 10 years.

He could have no idea? He could know and just want to keep it secret? He could know and other people in the family might know but keep it secret?

I literally just don't know what to do. I feel like I can't ask anyone in my family for advice because then I'm putting it on them as well.

Plus, if this other person does not want to be contacted or have anything to do with us then it feels like it would be better to just keep things as they are and do nothing at all.

I don't really know what I want... I just needed somewhere to talk about this and figure out what, if anything, I do next...

I agree. It would be extremely invasive with little benefit.

Tell your brother. Maybe test the waters first by asking what he’d recommend someone did if [your situation], but say you are asking for a ‘friend’?

OP, I would say you have to speak with your brother now (or maybe wait till after Christmas!).

My parents and two siblings did DNA tests a few years ago - bit of fun, we thought (naively!), our family was very straightforward, we thought. And so it was, till this summer when up pops a hitherto unknown first cousin (I thought I only had one).

I got in touch with the first cousin who replied saying they'd love to chat, but has since not responded to the small handful of very gentle follow-up messages I've sent (I've stopped now, ball's in their court - I know we're decent, sensible, kind people and if they don't want to be in touch for whatever reason, we respect that, though we'd obviously love to understand more about how we've come to be related).

It basically means that my mum has a full sibling she knew nothing about - because this new cousin was born after her only known-about sibling died - so she has a brother or sister somewhere (likely a brother, we think) who may still be alive, but no real way of knowing for sure.

For those saying don't say anything to your brother, OP, I would really think about it. If he does a DNA test in future, he will see that you are matched with this person. But even if he doesn't, I think it's better to be open about stuff like this, because it is so discombobulating to find it out when everyone in your life who might have been able to help you understand has died.

Paternity tests should routinely be performed on all babies to avoid this kind of nonsense.

So what are you going to do? Call up a man who thinks he has just become a father and say 'sorry chum, that's not your baby'? And what measures are you going to put in place to protect the mother and baby?

I can only imagine the “stay quiet” brigade are of the boomer generation. It’s your party line “don’t get involved”.

Really? How many times do you see people on MN saying 'keep your beak out' 'mind your own business' 'how does it affect you?' Are they all boomers?

Give him the facts and let him do the rest. You’re overthinking his reaction and there is absolutely no way of knowing what direction that will take him in. But at least give him the opportunity to make that decision himself. It’s not up to you to try and protect him from it, it’s his information and you know now so you have to pass it on xx

One of your parents could have donated their sperm or egg too.

Buy him a test for Christmas and make it his decision?
Does he know you've done one and can you hide your results?

This happened to my husband.
He did one and his sister had done one.
He shared more DNA with a radom lady...turned out she was his Aunt and his dad wasn't who we thought it was.

(He didn't have a relationship with the person we thought was his dad anyway)

We contacted the Aunt and it all turned out amazingly! He now has a wonderful Father who welcomed him with open arms and it is like they have been in each other's lives forever.

My point is it could be a blessing!
And I would discuss with your family your findings.
Also everyone is doing these tests these days and if it wasn't you who found out it could be another family member later down the line.

i completely disagree, secrets cause so much pain, people have a right to know their true heritage

"When I was a nurse in Wales 40 years ago, I was told one third of children were estimated to be born to males outside of the family, without the family knowing. Best not to know."

We probably have more info now that we did 40 years ago because that stat seems to be a huge exaggeration.
There was a study in Yorkshire a while ago that found 10% and even that one is now considered to be an overestimate.

One in 25 fathers is not biological parent - study | Children | The Guardian

Keep schtum. All the happy outcomes you're imagining (lovely, relatable, friendly new niece; brother over the moon to find his long lost daughter; big Christmas with everyone around the dinner table smiling) are highly unlikely to be the result of you saying something in my view.

You'll probably find that your brother already knows but wanted to keep it quiet; or doesn't know and will not be overjoyed to find out. That's before you move to the niece and her feelings- perhaps she's secure in the knowledge that someone else is her Dad, perhaps she resents her Dad for abandoning her at a young age and has no interest in being in touch. And the brothers partner? What will she think?

I really see no good coming from you broadcasting this. You'll just detonate everyone's lives.

You keep quiet and never mention it again. Leave well alone. As others have pointed out this could be a case of your rele being a sperm donor years ago, people did it at uni for peanuts not thinking of the long term consequences, ie a tapping at the door in 20 years time. I wouldn't jump straight to they fathered a child they were unaware of/didn't want to know.

I paid for my parent's to trace their family tree through ancestry, for a fleeting moment I thought about getting them a dna kit, thankfully I thought better of it, nothing good ever comes from this. Also giving away your dna to a random company that is there to generate profit, isn't the most sensible thing to do.

I get an email from them every time a new suggested match shows up

"nothing good ever comes from this"

Eh? Not everyone who uses Ancestry gets news like this. It happens, but obviously not to everyone so I don't see how you can say that NOTHING good ever comes out of it. Some people like to trace their family history.

So... I did an ancestry thing just for fun, thought it would be cool to see my heritage etc.
Had my results back last week and it has "matched" me with another user that I share 27% of my DNA with, who it suggests is a half sibling or niece.

OP. This may be irrelevant, given your latest news, and you may well know all about it already. One of the standard tools for interpreting DNA match levels, the Shared cm Project, Version 4 [https://dnapainter.com/tools/sharedcmv4], offers the following probabilities for relationships with 27% DNA matching:

98%: Grandparent: Aunt / Uncle: Half Sibling: Niece / Nephew: Grandchild

2%: Sibling

i.e. there is very low probability of your match being your sibling, but a very high probability of them being one of the other five relationships. Before homing in on one of these you MUST positively exclude all of the others, so you need to know precisely the layout of your family tree to the extent that people are admitting to it. I'm sure Ancestry has a good try at allocating sides,, but nothing in genealogy is 100% foolproof.

Ancestry says that the DNA matches both sides.

Or does it say that they don't know which side the DNA match is on?

Given the complexity of the situation, and assuming you haven't responded already, I would be inclined to let your match make the running, at least initially., and see where it leads.

Then these tests are pernicious. I'm really astounded so many people feel such a burning need to know that they are willing to spend money on it. If there are any skeletons hiding in my family tree I'd much rather not know.

I agree, you need to tell your brother. She deserves to know her own father and your brother would surely want to know that he has a daughter ?

Do they also have the right not to know if that's how they prefer it?

I would say nothing. If someone else does a DNA search down the line and finds out that OP has known this secret for a while, OP can, IMHO quite reasonably, say that she said nothing because she had no reason to suppose anyone would want to know. It would be different if she knew her other family members had also been digging around in the family tree to see what they could find, but it doesn't sound as if they're looking.

I certainly wouldn't want to know and I wouldn't thank anyone who told me.

I have yet to see a secret kept that didn't blow up fantastically. I think it's best to start talking with all biological family members. Fathers getting with mother's sister isn't unheard of. I wouldn't assume it's brother. It's a terrible secret to keep and when people find out you've kept it, then it's your trust and respect on the line. People have a right to know about parentage and they have a right to know if a partners been less than faithful. Secrets don't make healthy families.

Your father dis-inherriting you all, wasn't her fault.

I expect it was always on her mind to find her biological parents. No matter how great adoptive parents are (I have some personal experience here) that doesn't take away from being curious and wanting to know where you came from.

I also understand this was very difficult for you and your family. When I watch long lost family, I see the trauma of young mothers who were forced to have their babies in secret, then reappear. It's so heartbreaking...I feel for you mum.

It's very emotional for everyone involved, but great that you could share the flipside.

That’s a huge thing to sit with on your own,no wonder you feel overwhelmed. DNA sites can throw up surprises but they can also be misleading, so try not to jump to conclusions yet. You don’t need to act right now; sit with it, let the initial shock settle and only take the next step when you feel steady..

If the mother doesn't give the name of a potential father, it's impossible to do this.

It's a really tricky situation but you know now and that can't be undone.
I think you should reach out to this relative and chat with them - it maybe that they just want some more information from you or to tell you their story. Then make decisions from there. They may just want to fill in some gaps or they may want some contact in the future.
With more information, you may then decide whether or not to talk to your brother. Approach this in a non judgemental way tho, as he may have no idea!!
Personally I think connecting with family is really important and DNA provides some way of making those links.

And force rape victims, who kept the baby hoping it was DH's, to out themselves to their husbands? No thanks.

@SqueakyRadish

She said that she knows "the story" but it isn't just hers to share and she knows who her dad is but has no relationship with him.
So, it doesn't seem like she's particularly interested in finding out more about him

The fact she has contacted you and not shown an interest in knowing more about him makes me think there is a high chance everyone involved directly knows. The fact she has reached out also implies she expected you would be curious about her and knows that you know nothing about her existence. Almost like she knows the secret hasn’t already been revealed to you.