Ancestry results= family bombshell??

[SqueakyRadish]

Hey!
So... I did an ancestry thing just for fun, thought it would be cool to see my heritage etc.

Had my results back last week and it has "matched" me with another user that I share 27% of my DNA with, who it suggests is a half sibling or niece.

The most likely explanation (due to various factors) is that this is a niece.

But what the actual fuck do I do now? I feel awful because I know this and, as far as I know, nobody else in the family does.

I have one brother who has no children (or so I thought!) but who has been living, happily, with his partner and her 2 children for around 10 years.

He could have no idea? He could know and just want to keep it secret? He could know and other people in the family might know but keep it secret?

I literally just don't know what to do. I feel like I can't ask anyone in my family for advice because then I'm putting it on them as well.

Plus, if this other person does not want to be contacted or have anything to do with us then it feels like it would be better to just keep things as they are and do nothing at all.

I don't really know what I want... I just needed somewhere to talk about this and figure out what, if anything, I do next...

Try https://www.freebmd.org.uk/cgi/search.pl as it has a lot of more recent births on it.

Dig into FB woman re: any research you can do if poss. Her mother’s identity might tie to your brother potentially. Friends in common etc? Tap into any family genealogist’s knowledge as you say. I think you’ve got a lot to work with here & DNA Detectives on FB something to consider. They’ll assign you someone trusted & you can keep data confidential on site re: specifics. The answer well may be all there in data you have & can mine.

If me I’d look at all candidates for top match assuming not a v common name. Just to throw a curve ball some use aliases on site. Work with all you have as figure out next steps is my advice.

I am guessing the unknown extended family match with the unusual surname that top match says matches hers (?) means her surname relatively uncommon (?)I’d definitely want to identify him. I am guessing the higher number cm match was with you which would support niece hypothesis.

Good call - look for her birth, then look at mother’s surname for top match find her marriage to get first name etc. (Will show). Then you can see if potentially, age range, logistics put her as potential girlfriend to your brother etc. If a recent birth won’t be listed - but up to about mid 90s will be in public domain.

Thank you! This is all super helpful.
I've just spent a good bit of time on ancestry adding people I know to my tree and reviewing the hints they give, which has helped.

In parallel do your own tree for extended family 2nd cousin removed type match for you once you get hang of it. You should hit upon shared ancestor/s at about 2/3 gens out.

Sorry no advice, but commenting so I get notifications as I'm now invested!
I hope you manage to find some answers without causing any drama. I'm curious enough and it's nothing to do with me, but if I was in your position I would have to become a detective and find out!

Oh my goodness what a shock for you. Good luck. No advice I’m afraid.

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You can search recent births directly on the gov website ... From 1984 until 2023. https://www.gro.gov.uk/gro/content/certificates/login.asp

Free to sign up.

Gives district of registration but not mother's maiden name. Might be a bit useful? You can search about 4 years at a time by choosing a year and searching plus or minus 2 years.

Her name might have changed since birth, though.

Never reject hints for distant cousins because their trees can be very useful and generally fairly recent generations can be trusted more than distant ones suggested by Ancestry, which need more diligent research.

I just had another thought. If her, or her mum, are in contact with my brother (or other family member) they may let him know that I know.
I know it's just another "maybe", but it's making me lean more towards talking to him sooner rather than later

Hi @SqueakyRadish adoptee here who connected with family following an Ancestry test.

Your decision to take things step by step is the right one - I'd simply let your brother know what came up and leave it at that. Not your responsibility to facilitate anything and goodness - I missed the posts encouraging you to go all in with love bombing but don't do that either.

People go really wild in this situations, one extreme to another, with guilt, manipulation etc in the mix. I hope you feel entitled to set your own boundaries.

PS: It's not a 'mix-up' - the only realistic 'mix-up' is which relationship it is, not whether you are related or not. Ancestry suggests possibilities, they are not always correct.

If you'd like help, the DNA Detectives group on Facebook is excellent and you'll get correct advice there in terms of unpicking the relationships. I found my Search Angel there. There is a US and UK page - my experience is the US page is more active, but it won't matter.

Very good advice, spot on & they take confidentiality at DNA Detectives very seriously as you’ll know. Not ever showing matches names in public, etc.

Ancestry suggest relationship possibilities rather than being ‘wrong’ (& the experienced at DNA Detectives & similar can guide the things to consider - don’t think you’d disagree and as again you’ll know the smaller the share generally the possibilities increase) ’ - this level of share, however, is whopping & there are very few relationship possibilities as you’ll know.

My parents share first cousins. My mum's uncle married my dad's aunt. My parents cousins kids will be second cousins to me, but I'd be interested to see what percentage ancestry would show up, as related on both side. Could throw up something random.

A double first cousin - child of 2 siblings from one family marrying two siblings from other, child, a cousin through both mum’s & dad’s family - would fit with OP’s top match’s share. Sharing about 25 per cent (DNA).

OP likely be aware of this (?) if it happened in her family (?) it’s interesting she’s spotted top unexpected match’s uncommon surname for a shared extended family cousin match. I’d be pinning them down into my own tree.

On both my mum and dad's sides of the family 2 sisters married 2 brothers with one pair being my direct ancestors.

@PinkPanther57 my brother has identical twin sisters and I imagine their children would be related to each other closer to half siblings than cousins. OP - do you have any twins in the family?

None that I know of...

I agree with this. My cousin and I are both adopted, and her son 'found' her mother on a DNA website. He contacted her and learned about her half-siblings. He then 'produced' all this to my cousin who was unbelievably shocked and upset. She considered it a horrible invasion of her privacy AND forcing knowledge (and decisions) on her that she may not have wanted.

I would simply tell your DB "John, I did one of those DNA things and got this result. I'm giving you this information. I'll ask you no questions but if you want to discuss it with me, I'm here for you. Otherwise, I won't mention it again". Then leave it.

In this situation, I think OP also needs to give DB the heads up that if she’s found it other family members will find it too. Other family members may not be so sensitive.

Eg your cousin’s son who didn’t go about things in the right way. He should have asked if his mother was interested before he presented his findings.

However, arguably he has the right to search for his own blood family and meet up with and have a relationship with if he wants independently of his mother.

I have a degree in medical science and crime science... I'm not remotely scared of someone seeing my DNA.

People massively over estimate A) what can be done with DNA results and B) why someone else would give a shit about your DNA.

If someone wanted to 'frame' you (the biggest risk) could do more with a strand of your hair they found on the bus than they can with a digital copy of your results. They would also need means, motive, access and knowledge as it would have to make sense. You shed your DNA all over, constantly, all day, every day... its really not a special and unique thing your with holding from the world.

Us random medical student practice all kinds of tests on DNA samples from hospitals and blood donation centers. If you have ever given any sample (blood, urine, tissue) then loads of people will have had access to multiple hospitals, fields, labs and possibly schools too it not just 'your Dr'.

@Aluna @AcrossthePond55
However, arguably he has the right to search for his own blood family and meet up with and have a relationship with if he wants independently of his mother.

So, as someone who has been through this as an adoptee - this 'right to have an independent relationship' is massively overplayed.

I get when it's a parent relationship and I do understand why people would be interested to meet siblings. But causing upset so you can connect with a first or second cousin? Come on. People who do this have Main Character Syndrome, from my point of view.

Or grandparents and uncles and aunts??

I totally understand why some adoptees make a choice not to look into their birth parentage but at the same time their offspring have the right to research their own blood relations.

The example you are quoting was about a child finding their mum's half-siblings, their own aunts and uncles. Not cousins. However, it does seem that what they did with the information sadly caused upset, and people should certainly tread carefully.

I have already found a missing half-aunt on ancestry. The match caused her great joy in discovering the identity of her late father and being in contact with her half-brother, my dad. There was no upset for anyone involved.

Perhaps unusually, I also have another missing half-aunt, on my mother's side. The baby was stolen at birth and my late grandmother was drugged then told the baby was stillborn, but never shown the baby. (This was an unmarried mother over 70 years ago, overseas.) Sadly there couldn't be a parent child reunion now, but there are still siblings and wider family.

You would label me with Main Character Syndrome if I pursued a match with a cousin, who could be a link to the stolen baby?