Ancestry results= family bombshell??

[SqueakyRadish]

Hey!
So... I did an ancestry thing just for fun, thought it would be cool to see my heritage etc.

Had my results back last week and it has "matched" me with another user that I share 27% of my DNA with, who it suggests is a half sibling or niece.

The most likely explanation (due to various factors) is that this is a niece.

But what the actual fuck do I do now? I feel awful because I know this and, as far as I know, nobody else in the family does.

I have one brother who has no children (or so I thought!) but who has been living, happily, with his partner and her 2 children for around 10 years.

He could have no idea? He could know and just want to keep it secret? He could know and other people in the family might know but keep it secret?

I literally just don't know what to do. I feel like I can't ask anyone in my family for advice because then I'm putting it on them as well.

Plus, if this other person does not want to be contacted or have anything to do with us then it feels like it would be better to just keep things as they are and do nothing at all.

I don't really know what I want... I just needed somewhere to talk about this and figure out what, if anything, I do next...

What makes you think it couldn't be a half sibling? Age?

Partly age. But also because they share DNA from both sides of my family. So to be a half sibling my dad would have had to have a child with another person in my mum's side of the family (or vice versa) which feels really unlikely.

I would keep quiet.

This is the thing with doing tests like this, it can be great for you to get answers, but it can open cans of worms and blow other peoples lives apart.

There is a reason this is a secret. I personally don’t understand the strong need to know where I came from so I might be biased in my opinion, I’m alive and that’s it. It doesn’t matter to me who did or didn’t have sex - because that’s all it is at the end of the day.

Digging into someone else’s parentage is just looking for gossip. It would be different if it was information regarding your own parentage, but this isn’t really your business in my opinion.

I think you should tell him so he has time to process it before speaking to his partner. The fact that she's on there suggests she might be looking for her father. And she'll obviously now know about you.

This was my initial reaction. Partly because I just don't want to deal with it.

But I can't stop thinking about it. And then I thought, if my brother doesn't know about her at all, maybe he'd want to? But I have no way of finding out if he'd want to know.

I am probably overthinking it!!

I would say 'do nothing' is your best option here. This is the problem with investigating DNA and family trees! Just go on your way and try to put the information to one side.

How close are you to your brother? Can you talk with him privately and just show him the DNA results without drawing any conclusions and ask what he thinks?
It's either his half sibling or child too, so if he doesn't know he might resent you keeping that info to yourself. If he does know, it could be a way of finally opening up what's been a difficult secret for him.
The fact that the relative has put their DNA on file suggests they may be looking for answers about their origin so may be open to contact.

If she messages you then you need to speak to your brother, or possibly your dad. If she doesn't contact you, then leave alone. It'll only rake over things she might not want raked over.

Re settings make sure you are contactable, as she might have questions.

I feel you should be led by the other person, as it sounds like she is the one with possibly unknown parentage and questions. Now you've done the test, you owe it to her to answer these questions.

I'd wait and for now, see if they message you.

You need to also consider your brother might already know, or you might break his heart if the child doesn’t want to know him, he could blame you for digging it all up, it could permanently negatively impact your relationship with your brother.

If he was interested in DNA and family lines he would do the test himself.

She’s looking for her father, probably, and you’ve now (inadvertently) provided an opportunity. I don’t think you’ll be able to ignore it because it’s likely that she will message you.

If she is from a fling your brother had when he was single and he genuinely knew nothing about the pregnancy, it may not damage his current relationship. I’m in a 6-year relationship and the emergence of an adult daughter wouldn’t horrify me, particularly.

I once uncovered a family secret. I unknowingly exposed it to everyone but I don’t regret it.

There were lots of people kept in the dark about things that they deserved to know. Information that affected us all, but an older family member had decided it was best to sweep it under the carpet.

I would reach out to her if possible, see if she wants to connect with you and your family. If she does I’d be speaking to the brother and then the wider family if he isn’t the connection/he doesn’t want to know.

I think you dont do anything. I did mine recently and no surprises thankfully however if decided before the results came in that if there were any, id keep them to myself id likely to upset any of my family.

If he was interested in DNA and family lines he would do the test himself

I don’t think not doing a DNA ancestry test is a sign that someone wouldn’t want to know they had a child.
Obviously he may not want to know, I just don’t think you can use the fact he’s not done a kit as evidence of that.

My DH would be furious if his brother found out he (DH) had a child and never told him.

I'm not sure doing nothing would be as neutral an act as it sounds. I'm all for letting sleeping dogs lie, but if you brother or his kids (in the future) use the same service in the future, they'll know you knew. If course you could say you didn't understand the results, but that's adding a lie to the stress of keeping it quiet in the first place.

I agree with PPs and he genuinely might not know. I don't think it's a guaranteed disaster if he doesn't and you tell him what you've found out. I think in the modern world, when you marry a man that has had sexual relationships before, most people accept this is an outside possibility

Obviously tell him. There's a high chance he doesn't know.

If you click on your new match, what does it tell you about how active she is on Ancestry? If she has not logged in for 3 years then you have time to think as she is unlikely to contact you right away. However if she is an active user then you may get a message very quickly - which you can of course ignore if you wish.

What is the error rate on these tests?

You speak to your bother on the quiet and see if this is a possibility then leave it on him to decide what to. If it’s not him then you talk to the next possible person.

Your brother could have been a sperm donor in his younger days? It wasn't that long ago that donors assumed they could stay anonymous.

Your father or brother could have been a sperm donor.

Does the relative say that they were a result of sperm donation?

In this situation I would tell my brother, and only my brother.

Id probably preface it with something like “this is a really awkward conversation, and I’m not trying to get into your business. But I need to tell you something that I found on ancestry”.

The reason that I would do that is that if you can see her, she can see you, so there is a good chance that this might blow up…..

I would tell him what I'd seen too, in a non-judgemental way. I might wait until after Christmas though to be perfectly honest 😁

My first thought was sperm donor too. Was your dad or bro a med student? A lot of them donated sperm. Now that you've done it I'd just tell your bro and see what he says. If he doesn't want to talk about it leave it. I don't know why people are so keen to give their DNA to huge corporations, what good can really come of it?

I would show it to your brother. If he has a child that he doesn’t know about then he’d probably want to know.