Ancestry results= family bombshell??

[SqueakyRadish]

Hey!
So... I did an ancestry thing just for fun, thought it would be cool to see my heritage etc.

Had my results back last week and it has "matched" me with another user that I share 27% of my DNA with, who it suggests is a half sibling or niece.

The most likely explanation (due to various factors) is that this is a niece.

But what the actual fuck do I do now? I feel awful because I know this and, as far as I know, nobody else in the family does.

I have one brother who has no children (or so I thought!) but who has been living, happily, with his partner and her 2 children for around 10 years.

He could have no idea? He could know and just want to keep it secret? He could know and other people in the family might know but keep it secret?

I literally just don't know what to do. I feel like I can't ask anyone in my family for advice because then I'm putting it on them as well.

Plus, if this other person does not want to be contacted or have anything to do with us then it feels like it would be better to just keep things as they are and do nothing at all.

I don't really know what I want... I just needed somewhere to talk about this and figure out what, if anything, I do next...

@CatsorDogsrule I'm glad it worked out for you. But having been in this world for some time now, as an adoptee, the stories are not always straightforward - it's the OG 'my truth' environment - and I have been gobsmacked by some of the approaches people recount on some of these sites on the basis of their 'rights' to make contact.

Time for update you've all been waiting for.

I spoke to my brother

I have a (not so) secret niece.

Not sure what will happen now!

Wowza

What did he say?

Confirmed that he knew about her, wished he'd handled things differently, and asked me not to tell anyone just while he figures out what to do.

I can't believe he's kept it secret for so long, and I hope that maybe he'll feel better now someone else knows

I feel bad that I've talked about it on an internet forum though. Maybe I should ask for this to be deleted?
Although I don't think I've put anything that would make us identifiable

Glad you have some answers - by finding out and speaking to your brother this might help him find a way forward

@SqueakyRadish Please don't have this deleted. This is a really common occurrence and it's good to discuss it - people do just buy these tests and never think twice, they assume a DNA surprise won't happen to them, and then it's too late. You haven't said or done anything wrong, it is a genuine 'ethical dilemmas'.

I’m pleased you’ve found out. Just wish it hadn’t been this way. Does anyone else in the family know?

I feel really sorry for her, and for you too - not knowing your niece all this time. It’s sad, hope you’re ok x

Glad you’ve figured it out. It sounds like your niece didn’t & doesn’t know but her parents did?

Sounds to me like she does know. She didn’t want to be involved in outing him though hence “it’s not my story to tell”.

I think I probably would delete this OP in case it ends up in the DM.

It’s also possible to identify parents & family for those with unknown parentage from quite distant cousin matches if you know how to work the data. The genie is out of the bottle in that respect. It doesn’t take an extended family match to unlock a secret.

I like to think if handled sensitively & appropriately there can be positive outcomes.

@aluna, I see. I wonder why the niece tested if so.

I think you've handled this really well 🌺

Huge. What a fascinating development!

I too would delete it in case as @Alunaposts, it might end up in the DM.

Glad you have found out, but yes id get this deleted tbh

Is he no contact with her, that’s very poor. I’d struggle with that to be honest, I’m not sure I’d be wanting him to feel better, more her really. But I’m not a fan of men abandoning their kids.

Thank you for update and to all previous posters. It's been a really interesting discussion. I hope the thread stays for others wrestling with similar dilemmas.

Can I just recommend again on Radio 4, the podcast, The Gift. The range of stories and the implications are really interesting.

I will never forget the Jewish American woman after WW2 who was absolutely taken advantage of to provide babies for adoption. One of her sons told the story bravely and it was interesting seeing how a DNA test casually bought as a Xmas gift opened up a strange consequence of world events.

It's really important to reserve judgement in these cases. I hope that the OP does. There could be all sorts of reasons why things worked out as they did, it's a very painful and difficult situation.

We have no idea - literally - what the birth mother has said or done which could have been a robust "bugger off." How many women here are given the advice not to put the father on the birth certificate, sometimes for very spurious reasons.

I don't think this thread will end up in the mail. It's not that uncommon in light of all. The gt websites.

I wouldn't worry about it being identifying OP. This is so very common, not a unique situation at all.

Absolutely.

OP, you’ve handled brilliantly & the DNA share explanations are clear & accurate on thread. Too many, otherwise interested people & bio family members, dismiss DNA results as ‘all wrong’ or a likely glitch in system as they misunderstand & misinterpret the DNA results & matches. They’re not obvious to uninitiated beyond parent/child matches. Most, I believe, still erroneously think you need a blood test for accuracy.