Ancestry results= family bombshell??

[SqueakyRadish]

Hey!
So... I did an ancestry thing just for fun, thought it would be cool to see my heritage etc.

Had my results back last week and it has "matched" me with another user that I share 27% of my DNA with, who it suggests is a half sibling or niece.

The most likely explanation (due to various factors) is that this is a niece.

But what the actual fuck do I do now? I feel awful because I know this and, as far as I know, nobody else in the family does.

I have one brother who has no children (or so I thought!) but who has been living, happily, with his partner and her 2 children for around 10 years.

He could have no idea? He could know and just want to keep it secret? He could know and other people in the family might know but keep it secret?

I literally just don't know what to do. I feel like I can't ask anyone in my family for advice because then I'm putting it on them as well.

Plus, if this other person does not want to be contacted or have anything to do with us then it feels like it would be better to just keep things as they are and do nothing at all.

I don't really know what I want... I just needed somewhere to talk about this and figure out what, if anything, I do next...

I disagree about saying nothing. Knowing who your your parents can be medically very important. I did not know who my bio father was until about 5 years ago when I did an ancestry test and found his family. It turned out there was a genetically-related condition in the family which I easily could have had, and would have benefitted from early diagnosis if so. I had the testing and I did not have it, but I could have.

My DH also found out useful information. He had not known much about his maternal family (and his mum is dead, having died of breast cancer at 58) but by following up the trees of DNA matches he was able to build a tree (difficult before then as his mother had an extremely common surname). He found out to his surprise that his maternal grandmother, whom he had been told died in a car crash, had actually died of breast cancer at the age of 45. And her mother had also died of the same disease. He has two adult daughters and so it was a very good thing to be able to pass this information to them, so they can have more frequent mammograms etc.

I don't think concealing that is the best way to address the problem.

I’d drop it! You really don’t have enough information! If it’s his daughter she may not want to know him or vice versa!

That is for the woman concerned to decide not you.

@SandyY2K no, it wasn't her fault that our father was a monster, but it wasn't my fault either. It wasn't her fault that she wasn't abused and he left her everything. It wasn't my fault that he abused me and left me nothing. We can quite honestly play this game all day.

The point I was trying to make is that the blast radius of revealing these family secrets can be enormous. It goes far beyond the bio parents and the adopted child. They aren't the only people who deserve to be taken into consideration and shown compassion. There often seems to be an urge to rush into revealing the secret, and the insistence that the people involved MUST have this information whether they want it or not.

But this is a very, very delicate, potentially damaging situation. There is nothing to be lost by moving very slowly and very carefully. Thinking long and hard about what to do, if anything, not making assumptions, waiting until you have more information before charging ahead.

Yes genetic engineering is definitely on the cards.

@Mapletree1985 I disagree. I had spent nearly 60 years not knowing what half of my genetic heritage was, now I know it all, and that has been important to me, not only because I have found out some health information.

If it’s his daughter she may not want to know him or vice versa!

If she knew there was any uncertainty about her parentage, she must have considered that doing a DNA test might reveal all kinds of things. Once it's done and the info is out there, there's no going back, and it's no longer just about the person who did the test.

I think the ethics of these tests are highly dubious. People, like op's brother, who never did a test, find their privacy being invaded. If he had children with his current partner, the ramifications would spread even further.

The OP could have an older full sibling she doesn't know about who then had a child.

She might not know the story, even though she thinks she does.

I recently got in touch with my cousin's child, by the same method. He told me that my cousin had abandoned him at birth and his mother had been forced to raise him without support, in poverty. I said I was really shocked and upset that that had happened to him. I contacted my aunt (his grandmother) and asked if she wanted to contact him.

She did. She explained to him, and showed him the court documents and statements to prove it, showing how his father had spend thousands to try to get contact with him, how his mother had repeatedly moved house and states and breached court orders, how he'd paid child support over the court requirements for his entire childhood, and how he'd never had another long term relationship and fallen into a deep depression which he is still in, and is now effectively a recluse.

Understandably this has been a massive shock to him and the last I spoke to him he hasn't even told his Mum. I still think he deserved to know the truth after being lied to his whole life.

I would generally agree with this presumption. Though it could be another unknown sibling through adoption rather than the brother.

She still wants to know where she 'comes from' still without wanting immediate family involvement.

Talk to her without judgement. Talk to your brother. Then talk to your parents.

Honestly this secret doesn't 'belong' to individuals. It's a communal thing where no one is necessarily in 'the wrong'. But equally don't expect to be spending Christmas with her either.

I think identity is important to use all psychologically but it doesn't necessarily mean being massively part of each others family.

@SqueakyRadish

The way I see it, you are 'innocent' in all of this. You weren't prying into your DB's life looking for gossip. But I do think he has the right to know that he may have fathered a child. Just because this person said "I know about my father" doesn't mean she knows the real truth, her own mother may have lied to her.

I wouldn't contact her, that would be overstepping. I think what I'd do is simply tell my DB that you did an ancestry search and found out something he may want to know. I'd hand him the results and just say "I don't want to know anything you don't want to tell me. As far as I'm concerned, I never showed you this and this conversation never happened". Then leave it. At the end of the day, it's his business, not yours.

I’d speak to my brother and say do you think we could have a half sibling. Then throw possibility of a niece. He may not be aware and he needs to know. His choice what he does with that info then.

Practically zero

This young woman saying she 'knows the story' and 'knows who her Father is but has no relationship with him' doesn't particularly prove your brother knows about her or not. It's a statement of fact. She hasn't actually told you who her Dad is??! I do find that bizarre. I think you need to find out what her intentions are, and what she's looking for. Is she looking for her Dad? Does she want a relationship with him? Does she want to know her extended family? Once you have more information, then you can make a decision to tell your brother or not. I do agree with another poster, you need to be sure that this young woman isn't a half sibling by your Dad. At the moment you're assuming she's your brother's child, but you don't know that. Look at her age, your Dad's age and think objectively if this woman could be a half-sister. You need to ask yourself why hasn't she told you who her Dad is, could it be because it's your Dad, rather than brother?

When I found out who my bio father is (he wasn't on Ancestry but his sisters and cousins were) I did write him a letter (yes, an olde fashioned handwritten letter! I thought that might somehow seem nicer than an email). I said in the letter that if he chose not to reply I would not contact him again, and I wished him well. He did not reply, which I found quite upsetting, especially in the light of the fact that his cousins then told me that he definitely knew about me as a baby. (If I had known that bit of the story I might not have been so quick to promise never to contact him again. I was imagining he may well have been shocked by an unknown woman out of the blue claiming to be his child when he knew nothing about it).

Still, despite some sadness about his attitude (I actually felt sorry for him that he would be like that, I am not a terrible person to be related to! I explained to him that I am successful professional, have no need of anything from him etc. And I have a son you would think he would want to know about), I am still glad I found him. There are a lot of interesting things about the family. For example: I had seen Caribbean and west African origin genes in my Ancestry origins breakdown and could not fathom where that came from when I first saw this (my mother's side is super-white Scottish and English going way back). I found out from the paternal family that they were partly descended from enslaved people in Trinidad, and one of the forebears had even written a book about it, which I now have bought. It has all been really good to find out about.

If the person has put their details on Ancestry then they are up for contact
Really ..you need to ask how you are related and give basic details of your parents etc.
I usually say..." I noticed on Ancestry that you are linked to blah blah whastsherface. She is my gran/ husband or whatever..can you tell me how you connected ,"
Researchers are only too happy to share details......usually.

Than go from there

you get an email everytime there is a new match (with the company i did it with anyway)

I have just done one myself and when i innocently told my mum she went mad at me telling me how I was stupid because they’re a scam and make thing up and when I told my dad he went white as a sheet and kept saying they’re not accurate.
I am stealing myself for the results but with none of my other family on there I am not sure how it works.

I am guessing that if this woman is on there, she is interested about her family.

Maybe she’s having a wobble now but I would keep a line of communication open for her if she wants to talk, which I think she will.

Given she's said she 'knows the story' I'd broadly agree with this to a point.

It depends on the circumstances. If she was put up for adoption and is looking for her mother's family because father abandoned her mother, that might be different.

She does obviously know something though, so wants to know something, even if it's not have a full on relationship.

OP is in a situation where she doesn't know the story.

It could be her parents had a child before her and her brother but were forced to give it up by OPs grandparents. OPs parents might be relieved to know their child was ok. Niece might just want to know basic details about the family but no real relationship.

You don't know. OP does not know.

Ultimately I don't think this is OPs secret, I don't think it's brothers secret and I don't think it's grandparents secret. It's a fact of life that everyone has to deal with and accept.

Just like other family shocks. It does 'belong' to an individual. It's a collective shock / trauma.

I can related to this as my Dad is the surprise child. Your brother does obviously know about her and thankfully neither of them are bothered about the other.

As the child of a ‘surprise’ I’d really like that medical background of my father’s family. Maybe you can offer that and see if she’s interested. She might not want engage again after that?

You can’t be 100% sure from dna that this is about the brother nor that he knows.

I wouldn’t make any assumptions until the woman has confirmed the relationship.

Do not remove a stone from the river unless you know what lies beneath.

What I’m saying is, your truth may only be a shadow of the whole. Some doors are locked for a reason. You have one brother, or, you think you do. Reality bends to perception, and perception is rarely the full story. There could be so much more at play here.

This doesn’t even make sense. There’s many reasons for moving stones in rivers and you certainly don’t need to know what’s underneath. But if you wanted to know what was underneath you’d pick it up and have a look. 🙃

I'd just spill the beans. Life is short and I don't like leaving things without closure.