Ancestry results= family bombshell??

[SqueakyRadish]

Hey!
So... I did an ancestry thing just for fun, thought it would be cool to see my heritage etc.

Had my results back last week and it has "matched" me with another user that I share 27% of my DNA with, who it suggests is a half sibling or niece.

The most likely explanation (due to various factors) is that this is a niece.

But what the actual fuck do I do now? I feel awful because I know this and, as far as I know, nobody else in the family does.

I have one brother who has no children (or so I thought!) but who has been living, happily, with his partner and her 2 children for around 10 years.

He could have no idea? He could know and just want to keep it secret? He could know and other people in the family might know but keep it secret?

I literally just don't know what to do. I feel like I can't ask anyone in my family for advice because then I'm putting it on them as well.

Plus, if this other person does not want to be contacted or have anything to do with us then it feels like it would be better to just keep things as they are and do nothing at all.

I don't really know what I want... I just needed somewhere to talk about this and figure out what, if anything, I do next...

She found out she was stolen?!! Christ on a bike

@SqueakyRadish so if she has emailed you and says she knows the story does this mean she does know how she is related to you? Has she said? I would personally find it weird for this to happen and then the person contact me and say ‘I know stuff but not telling’. Do you know any more than you did before now?

I’d contact the person on ancestry and see what they say - they may know more than you.

ETA : ignore, I’m well behind!

Is it possible that your dad was a sperm donor? Is it possible that you were donor conceived?

I am donor conceived and I’ve recently acquired a few half siblings who, like you, did an ancestry test and found that their dad wasn’t in fact their biological father… in their 50s.

Almost exactly the same thing happened to me OP. I couldn’t keep it to myself, it was too important to me. I can’t deny that it caused a few ructions in the family at the time, but I now have a really lovely relationship with my ‘new’ niece and I’m so glad she found me.

Do you have any other information, name, linked or unlinked family tree? Or look at mutual matches to find the other side of their family, it could very likely be a local family or a name you recognise from when your brother was younger. Finding out a bit more may help you decide what to do. This person may be actively looking for the missing parent or may have no idea that their family is not what they thought. Be prepared that they may contact you to find the family connection.

I was recently contacted by someone who doesn't realise that their grandfather was my grandfather's half brother, my GGF was not married to the mother and she used a different (married, probably made up) surname for the birth. Really awkward trying to explain the close DNA match, I had figured this out a while ago and decided to do nothing, but now they are looking for their grandfather's family, I tried to tactfully drop a hint without dropping a bombshell, but I'm leaving it pretty vague as from their comments it's obviously not something they suspected or want to hear.

I kept quiet about the parentage of the son of a friend even when I became friends with him after her death. I bitterly regret that. I should have told him what I knew.

@SqueakyRadish Paternity tests should routinely be performed on all babies to avoid this kind of nonsense.

I don't think that would have necessarily avoided it.
If my brother is her father then he may well know already and just have chosen not to tell anyone

You could reply and say you don't know the story so could she enlighten you. I assume it's all being done through ancestry so fairly anonymous if you want to break off communication at some point. I wouldn't exchange direct contact information yet, if at all.

Sorry I wasn't clear enough... paternity tests should be routine, and there should be official records of fatherhood (in addition to motherhood) kept on file.

I'd show your brother the results and ask if could possibly have gathered a child in the past? Give him time to process the information and decide what to do. He might choose to ignore but might want to reach out to person who might be his biological child. I don't think you should keep this from him. The niece obviously wants to know about her Dad which is why she did it in hope a relative would be a match.

This is an awful idea that would blow many families apart.

How would that work in practice, though?

How do you prove who the father is, if it turns out to not be the man the mother says is the father?

Did she say what she wanted out of contacting you? Does she want a relationship with you? If she did, would you be interested in getting to know her without your brother’s agreement? You don’t need his permission, but it could cause family upset if he feels you’ve gone behind his back. In your shoes, I’d reply and say you don’t know about this secret and ask what she’s hoping the outcome if contact will be. If it’s just to get to know her aunt, I’d be inclined to meet her. She’s your family too. Your only blood niece.

It's abusive towards the father and children not to understand who the father is.

Fatherhood is biological. It is not a social construct.

I don't think you should assume she's not interested in taking it further. I think she may be treading very carefully and tying not to frighten you away.
If you replied to her something along the lines of you being intrigued to know more, I bet she would tell you.

Are you interested in perusing a relationship with her? I think I’d perhaps find out who she is related to before I would have a quiet word with the person I thought it was. I would then just explain that you did an ancestry DNA and it’s thrown up a match who then contacted yourself. Then explain you don’t want to interfere however you do / do not (delete as applicable) wish to maintain contact with newly found relative. It’s calm, not sensationalist and allows opportunity for dialogue if the father so wishes, or not

Not trying to derail but it's clear that technology and attitudes to parentage, proof, right to know have very quickly changed, rightly. In my lifetime.
I think surrogacy, the mothers and the children, are going to have a similar journey over the next few decades.

Don't keep quiet. Reach out to them and find out their story.

Honesty is always best. For both parties.

There’s a because sounds podcast on ancestry dna. The situations it has opened up are quite shocking. Personally I would never do it , don’t want to know secrets that could blow up my family. Ignorance is bliss. Difficult one for you op but probably best left alone.

So, are you the only one in your known family who has done the check? If so, have you considered that you yourself are the 'odd one out' and are not a full match with your brother and therefore the match is to another ancestry line entirely?

Agree. And so that they can be rightfully made to pay support for the child.

I think egg donation in particular is going to open up a whole can of worms. It's going to be the mother and baby homes situation version 2.0.

We've already seen what is happening to women who gave up babies as unmarried mothers, who were told that those children wouldn't know their identities, suddenly finding themselves faced with a situation where that changed without their consent.

It has to be handled really carefully and I don't think we as a society are very good at that.

Agree with this 100%!! Maybe he doesn’t know and he would want to. This won’t break his current relationship because he didn’t cheat, this was way before. He has the right to know what you have discovered

How do you identify who the father is if the mother won't tell you/can't remember/doesn't know? The only way this works is if we have DNA samples from every man in the country.