Ancestry results= family bombshell??

[SqueakyRadish]

Hey!
So... I did an ancestry thing just for fun, thought it would be cool to see my heritage etc.

Had my results back last week and it has "matched" me with another user that I share 27% of my DNA with, who it suggests is a half sibling or niece.

The most likely explanation (due to various factors) is that this is a niece.

But what the actual fuck do I do now? I feel awful because I know this and, as far as I know, nobody else in the family does.

I have one brother who has no children (or so I thought!) but who has been living, happily, with his partner and her 2 children for around 10 years.

He could have no idea? He could know and just want to keep it secret? He could know and other people in the family might know but keep it secret?

I literally just don't know what to do. I feel like I can't ask anyone in my family for advice because then I'm putting it on them as well.

Plus, if this other person does not want to be contacted or have anything to do with us then it feels like it would be better to just keep things as they are and do nothing at all.

I don't really know what I want... I just needed somewhere to talk about this and figure out what, if anything, I do next...

This young woman predates your brother's current relationship. She may or may not know the truth about your brother's role in her birth. It's not unusual for children in her situation to have been told lies.

I would still let him know you know but you have no intention of telling anyone else. He can give you his side of the story if he knows about her.

Children who have a happy upbringing frequently dont wish to upset the family they grew up with. They may still appreciate contact with other members of the birth family and a little information about what your brother is like/ was like growing up. If she has a child she may be interested in whether they look like their grandfather. And again I feel you have a moral obligation to pass on any relevant medical information.

I bought myself an ancestry dna kit last year but haven't used it (probably out of date now). I'm not sure why exactly. A potential relative on ancestry (an American) was very keen. My dad's grandfather was illegitimate, born in a workhouse and his mother seemed to have abandoned him and it would be interesting to find out more. Wouldn't like to open up a can of worms.

The details are set out further up the thread. It's more like 3%.

This makes it sound like it is entirely possible that he has a secret child

Of course you get a choice. Your DNA is unique to you. It is not within the system by virtue of those relatives around you having submitted theirs. Close matches - sure. But your specific DNA is not. And the issue is more when these companies collapse (as has happened in the past) - the value is in the data - your data which the liquidators can sell to the highest bidder. And you have absolutely no control over who that is and what they chose to do with it.

Speaking as an NPE myself, I would definitely reply and be honest. For me, this would mean saying that this has come as a complete surprise to you, you're wondering if you're an aunt and that you would love to hear more of her story.

I do wonder if I should still bring it up with him though, because if anyone else does a test they're going to find out - I think you should definitely bring this up with him. He's made his life choices, but may not have thought about the possibility of the wider family finding out about this via these kits. Also, it might be something he'd actually feel relieved to talk through with someone.

Are you going to reply to her directly? She's obviously wanting contact since she's contacted you quite quickly.

I've seen estimates of Not Expected Parent that vary from 1% to 10%. In my experience it seems likely to be nearer 1% than 10% so 3% would seem reasonable to me - but it does seem almost to run in families. There are men who have children with multiple women and women who have children with multiple men.

BOTH my parents have done tests. There is enough information there to put me into potential high risk classifications for certain conditions.

That is problematic enough and no I didn't have a choice about this! A health insurance company could decide to give me ridiculously high premiums unless I did a DNA test to rule something out or they may know I have that condition (because both my parents are carriers and this means I will also have it).

So no I didn't get a choice. This also applies to cousins having done tests. Insurance companies might look at that and say look redtoothbrush is high risk for x cos of a many pattern connected to a particular ancestor.

It's important everyone actually understands this and how big data works.

The reason she might not have a relationship with him might simply be that she hasn't contacted him, not that he doesn't want a relationship. Maybe she knows his name etc but he isn't aware of her existence? One night stand maybe? All sorts of reasons. It's a big thing to contact someone if they're not aware of you or there's a chance of rejection. It takes a lot of bravery on both sides I always think.

I would speak to him before replying to her. Your loyalty is surely with him? Also if he wants to tell you his side of the story then you should hear his first. Her story might be different for lots of reasons. Be prepared for him asking you not to remain in contact with her though. Good luck.

Like the chance she gave me, you mean, when she got her husband to phone me and tell me she wanted nothing to do with me and I was not to contact her again?

I am not responsible for any of this and your suggestion that I am somehow the one in the wrong is appalling. I have respected her wishes. I was told not to attempt contact, and I haven't.

She had the opportunity to make it right. One sibling challenged the will and she agreed to a token sum for that sibling. Why didn't she offer to make it right for everyone involved?

It's not my job to fix a mess I didn't make.

Be aware that she could be looking for her father AND her mother. She may have been placed for adoption as a baby.

I couldn’t leave something like this. What if it comes out, and it’s clear you knew and didn’t say anything. I’d contact her in the first instance and get more info.

I could never withhold this information from my brother.

Its not your business at all.

the other person must want this to come out otherwise WHY would they have done the ancestry dna thing AND agreed to make it public?!?!

@junglejunglebear Your jealousy is blatant. Her husband rang you - you dont know what pressure he may have exerted on her, what your father said to her, whether he asked her not to contact you, why she made contact again after his death. You were no contact and he left his money to the child who made contact.

Because she had rejected contact once you opted not to give her an opportunity to know you or explain her actions and you rejected her. She did give money to one person who was in touch and if you wanted her money then you should have given her a chance. That isnt "blaming" anyone - it's simply that if you reject someone you cant then expect money from them.

Ancestry is not always accurate in determining relationships. My son was identified as a cousin, when he was in fact a nephew, to my sibling.
So could this person be an unknown cousin?

Yes, regarding medical conditions I can see how this aspect is problematic.
But for sure, that's like dropping your phone and saying - well, might as well throw it in the lake too for good measure.
I also find it hard to see how an insurance claim could be rejected if you were unaware these conditions existed within the family tree. But again, this all goes to my original point that OP DB is not automatically guilty of knowing a secret, just because he refuses to give over his DNA. If anything, your post further highlights reasons people should be more cautious about submitting their DNA.

My SIL found out she was stolen from a hospital by her “mother” because of Ancestory DNA tests.

This whole “let sleeping dogs lie, who cares who had sex with who” nonsense comes from a place of privilege. That privilege being you presumably know your parentage. Those who don’t, or have suspicions feel differently. You can’t possibly say you “wouldn’t care” unless you are in that situation.

Perhaps this “niece” has a child that needs medical assistance a biological family member could provide. Perhaps she was treated horribly by the family she grew up in and is desperately looking for connection. To dismiss this sort of thing as “gossip” is hugely ignorant of what other people go through.

Im quite conflicted about the use of DNA testing as it clearly leads to some people's secrets being exposed without their consent. I was contacted by someone who it turned out was likely a half sibling (on my dad's side). My dad died many years ago so I have no idea whether he knew about this or not. If he did know he chose not to share that with me and so I am genuinely troubled that I may now have information about my dad that he didnt want me to know.

I’ve been in this situation twice following Ancestry DNA. One time I did reach out and met a number of lovely relatives as a result. The other I didn’t, partly because I don’t know what boats I’d be rocking and partly because I’ve spent ages on Ancestry at this point and I really can’t be bothered to start again with a large chunk of my family. So I think it’s a very personal decision, may change over time and you just need to do what feels right for you. I don’t think you have any duty to either your brother or his potential daughter.

The trouble is with how diagnosis of conditions is developing. At present we don't have the ability to identify risk factors for many conditions but this is definitely changing. So it's also about future medicine as well as current knowledge. Given I'm in my 40s this definitely is something that will be within my lifetime. It also has implications for my son.

I would not be able to withhold this information from my siblings. Equally you still don't know that it is your brother's child, she could be your half sibling still?
I would 100% reply to her. At the end of the day, whoever has had this child has kept it secret but there was always a chance it could come out!

Do you know why I was no contact with my father? Because he abused me. Because he belittled and bullied me for my entire childhood. Because he took naked photographs of me as a child, and regularly had friends over who openly talked about their sexual interest in teenage girls, because he punched my mother and I had to listen to her crying in the middle of the night, because he broke household items in front of me when he was in a rage, because he stole money from me and my mother, because he openly used drugs in the house in front of us. Because I spent my entire childhood terrified of his rages.

She was not in contact with the sibling she gave money to. That sibling used a legal route to challenge the will after we found out that our father had died. Which, I should add, I found out about online by googling his name. No attempt was made to let us know.

She then wrote to the sibling who challenged the will because she got their address from the legal paperwork. She didn't mention me in the letter at all. She never made any effort to get in touch with me. I found out about the letter because sibling didn't know what to do about it and asked me what I thought.

She was very clear when she cut contact. I have respected that. The no contact was her choice. She never asked me what I wanted to do or how I wanted to handle things.

Am I jealous that she had a better childhood than me, that she dodged the abuse, and that she inherited everything as well? Probably. She got lucky, didn't she?

At what point did I reject her?

Again, I did not make this mess, and it is not my fault.