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Ethical dilemmas
Original poster

Ancestry results= family bombshell??

523 replies

SqueakyRadish · 28/11/2025 08:50

Hey!
So... I did an ancestry thing just for fun, thought it would be cool to see my heritage etc.

Had my results back last week and it has "matched" me with another user that I share 27% of my DNA with, who it suggests is a half sibling or niece.

The most likely explanation (due to various factors) is that this is a niece.

But what the actual fuck do I do now? I feel awful because I know this and, as far as I know, nobody else in the family does.

I have one brother who has no children (or so I thought!) but who has been living, happily, with his partner and her 2 children for around 10 years.

He could have no idea? He could know and just want to keep it secret? He could know and other people in the family might know but keep it secret?

I literally just don't know what to do. I feel like I can't ask anyone in my family for advice because then I'm putting it on them as well.

Plus, if this other person does not want to be contacted or have anything to do with us then it feels like it would be better to just keep things as they are and do nothing at all.

I don't really know what I want... I just needed somewhere to talk about this and figure out what, if anything, I do next...

OP posts:
thisoldcity · 28/11/2025 11:16

You need to talk to your brother about this. Tell him. Secrets aren't good in a family.

PoliteRaven · 28/11/2025 11:16

Thanks for clarifying, @SqueakyRadish - I wouldn't discount the fact she could be a half sibling, as unpleasant as it may be to consider that your father may have fathered a child later in life with someone else. Also people may not be completely honest about their ages online so maybe her age range is tweaked a bit.

junglejunglebear · 28/11/2025 11:18

Why is everyone assuming that the brother doesn't know? The fact that he hasn't been open about it within the immediate family doesn't mean he doesn't know.

Whoknowshere · 28/11/2025 11:18

junglejunglebear · 28/11/2025 11:07

I'm sorry this happened to you, and that it has been so difficult. I don't think this situation is ever easy to deal with. I wanted to tell the flip side to your story, though. I've NC for this just in case.

My parents had a child at 18, in the late 1960's. Because my mother was unmarried she was sent to a mother and baby home, where she stayed until the baby was 6 weeks old. The baby was then taken from her and adopted and my mother was sent home in disgrace and it was never spoken of again. My parents went on to get married (big mistake) and this child became the Big Family Secret that we (their later children) were never told about. Then the law was changed and adopted children were allowed to know who their birth parents were. She came looking for us because her adoptive father had died and she had promised him she wouldn't look for us until then.

She threw a grenade into our family. My mother was forced to tell us what had happened. I don't think she really wanted to, TBH, but her hand was forced. The adopted sibling tracked our father down first. My parents had not been divorced for very long. He had been controlling, abusive, violent. I don't know what stories he told her because I wasn't in contact with him. She met my younger sibling via our father. My mother didn't want to talk to her and I was forced to act as a go between for the pair of them. After a couple of weeks, the adopted sibling got her husband to phone me to say that she'd decided looking for us was a mistake, that she shouldn't have done it, she didn't want any more contact with us, and I wasn't to try and contact her again. My mother then decided that she wanted to meet her and I was faced with having to tell my mother that adopted sibling didn't want contact with any of us. It was a fucking mess. She waltzed in without asking us how we felt about it, then waltzed out again in the same manner. I felt and still feel extremely angry about how selfish and entitled she was, and angry at her rejection. How dare she. She got a better deal than I did. By all accounts her adoptive parents were lovely.

When my father eventually died a few years ago, he left her everything in his will, and I was disinherited and got nothing. She then wrote us this friendly letter saying she hadn't realised he was ill and wasn't it sad blah blah, and asking for contact. Seriously? She told us she didn't want to know and gave us no choice in the matter, she didn't try to make things right with the inheritance, and now it suits, she wants to be friends? She can get lost.

Sometimes these things are best left alone.

Edited
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This is really sad. I would seek help to get over it. You all kids have experienced a big injustice and it is a lot to take on

PanicPanicc · 28/11/2025 11:20

I’d wait and see if they message me or if you really can’t wait, message them a friendly open ended message.

PoliteRaven · 28/11/2025 11:21

housethatbuiltme · 28/11/2025 11:09

Relationship = not always certain (will often give you a possible range of options)

Percentage of DNA shared = pretty certain especially if its high (0.1% might be coincidental that you share DNA but 27% absolutely wont be)

I have over 100 people linked to me at 0.3% - 0.5% they are 5th cousins or higher so we shared a 'great-great-great-great-grandparent'. So 6 generations removed, any further back than that and it starts getting far more blurry as the amounts are so low and genealogy harder to trace.

27% would be as OP said niece/nephew or half sibling but could also possibly be a grandparent, grandchild (OP says unlikely from ages) or and aunt, uncle (could be possible OP? any chance your grandparent might have had a secret much younger child - theres 22 years between my dad and his sister) or in rarer cases a first cousin (especial if one set of siblings married another set of siblings sibling, like your mams sister had a child with your dads brother etc...).

Edited
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Great points. It's best not to rush to conclusions on the link. I use the DNA Painter tool and there's even a 20% chance that 27% match could be full siblings (again, it's just a guide, the DNA painter tool and I had to try and reverse engineer how many centimorgan were in 27% so possibly my sums were a bit off..) ... but as OP knows her mother wasn't pregnant later in life....

RedToothBrush · 28/11/2025 11:21

SqueakyRadish · 28/11/2025 11:06

Sorry, I had a gym class to go to and there have been so many replies since I left!!

To answer a few questions:

She is between 19-29, so a sensible age to potentially be my brother's child.

If she is a half sibling, she would have to be my dad's, because I'd have noticed if my mum was pregnant!

Ancestry says that the DNA matches both sides. I don't know enough about DNA to know how they know this, other than presumably they can tell which of my DNA is from which parent, and they can see that she has some of both??

I only have one sibling (my brother) that I know of. I guess it's possible that we have an unknown sibling that neither of us are aware of who could have had this child which would then make her my niece.

The biggest news is that she has messaged me! So now I'm super paranoid that she's on here!?

She said that she knows "the story" but it isn't just hers to share and she knows who her dad is but has no relationship with him.

So, it doesn't seem like she's particularly interested in finding out more about him. I'm assuming this means he likely knows about her and has chosen not to share this within the family, which I will respect. I do wonder if I should still bring it up with him though, because if anyone else does a test they're going to find out

The next step is to decide how much you might like to know about her then. Ask her what she is hoping to find out if anything that means you can make decisions from that. You might want to know what her side of the story is and whether your brother knows about her.

The thing is, if your brother has children, what happens if any of them take tests in the future. It's not something that is just going away. She exists. The information is out there to be found.

Your brother can't keep this secret even if he wants to ultimately. It's not about you - though you have a right to pursue a relationship with her if that's what you both want. It may affect your relationship with your brother.

How will your parents feel about having a grandchild they don't know.

MyCatLovesCardboard · 28/11/2025 11:22

I’m not going to spill my guts on a public platform but I will add that just because you’re blood related to a person, it doesn’t mean you’ll have this magical bond with them.

Family are the people you grew up with.

Sashya · 28/11/2025 11:25

@SqueakyRadish

You wouldn't know whether your brother knows unless you actually talk to him.
By what she said - it's probably that she saw the match on Ancestry and reached out.
Her saying - it's not her secret to tell - may well be about her mom and the father that raised her. It is entirely possible that your brother unknowingly fathered the child - and mother decided not to let him know. Or that she wasn't sure who was the father at the time.

In any case - I think your brother has a right to know, if he does not know. And if he does - than there is no huge problem that you found out, as it can't be undone anyway. And I presume you won't judge him.

TheRealGoose · 28/11/2025 11:30

I also think she saw the match on ancestory and has reached out. Is the relationship with your brother poor? You’ve not answered that question, which makes me think it might be, so I guess how poor?

Aluna · 28/11/2025 11:30

I think you need to establish what her relation to you is first. It’s possible it’s not your brother.

If it turns out to be him he needs a heads up that dna testing means that his secret has a good chance of coming out so he needs to be aware.

So many people made decisions before dna testing never thinking of course that they could be outed,

Aluna · 28/11/2025 11:31

MyCatLovesCardboard · 28/11/2025 11:22

I’m not going to spill my guts on a public platform but I will add that just because you’re blood related to a person, it doesn’t mean you’ll have this magical bond with them.

Family are the people you grew up with.

It can go either way. Some people have a super positive experience of meeting up with birth family.

BusyLight · 28/11/2025 11:32

Ocelotfeet27 · 28/11/2025 11:11

I would think about what my brother would want- would he want to know? If I thought he would I would meet him privately and share the DNA results without comment, just saying you thought he'd like to know, and it's up to him what he does with the info. If I thought he wouldn't want to know I would do my best to forget I knew.

I wouldn't worry about my brother, he had the night of passion and the result was someone else bringing up a child for many years, what inconvinience has he had, none.

Tell him, if he is childless he may wish to know.

Money would be another thing, has he got any. Your SIL won't thank you if any sort of relationship evolves between them.

It's a can of worms but I believe it's naural to want to know who your parent is, and who your child is.

anyolddinosaur · 28/11/2025 11:32

@junglejunglebear Maybe she was interested in making it fairer or would have done if you'd got to know here. But you never gave her that chance.

Mapletree1985 · 28/11/2025 11:35

This won't be a bombshell unless you explode it. You have the option of never telling anyone and forgetting all about it. I'd do that.

TheCrenchinglyMcQuaffenBrothers · 28/11/2025 11:36

GoldGold · 28/11/2025 10:14

Just checking…So your father’s stepfather had a child with his wife’s sister, before he married his wife?

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Yes - and no suggestion, timeline wise, he was ‘unfaithful’ to my grandmother. And after I found that out a lot of other things made sense and I pieced together documents and timelines that shed some light on other family ‘mysteries’ (I won’t go in to details, quite outing and I’ve told a few people as it was so fascinating). This was all mid twentieth century and there is only one, very old, cousin of my DF, still alive - and I wouldn’t want to speak about it to her as she may not have a clue. I suspected a lot of the story of DFs family but they were a generation of people who would keep this very much secret and never speak of it between themselves even. My DF said his mother had never spoken of his real father to him (despite giving him his surname). I can treat it all as fascinating now they’re all gone, but also quite sad to think they lived complicated lives that maybe had some shame attached that they could never expunge due to the attitudes of the time.

RedToothBrush · 28/11/2025 11:38

Keep in mind that anyone in the family who does a DNA test after you will know you already know about her.

This isn't just about your brother. It's potentially about your parents, your children and your brothers children.

They may hold it against you for not telling them. In this sense I do think you have no choice but to confront the situation. If you brother knows about her and wanted nothing to do with her, you still have to remind him that this might not be a secret he can keep and he has to consider the impact on others.

Your niece could well have already could have tracked him down.

I think your hands are ultimately tied into at least speaking with your brother.

Glowingup · 28/11/2025 11:39

TheQuirkyMaker · 28/11/2025 09:49

When I was a nurse in Wales 40 years ago, I was told one third of children were estimated to be born to males outside of the family, without the family knowing. Best not to know.

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I doubt it’s anywhere near that high. It does happen but really not at that rate.

godmum56 · 28/11/2025 11:39

Team "do nothing" here.

RedToothBrush · 28/11/2025 11:39

Mapletree1985 · 28/11/2025 11:35

This won't be a bombshell unless you explode it. You have the option of never telling anyone and forgetting all about it. I'd do that.

Except she absolutely does not. Because that's not how these tests work. See my post above.

ittakes2 · 28/11/2025 11:40

there is a chance your brother doesn't know about her - from what she wrote she knows the story and doesn't feel she can share it ... maybe because her mum doesn't want people to know.

I think you need to speak to your brother.

Original poster
SqueakyRadish · 28/11/2025 11:40

TheRealGoose · 28/11/2025 11:30

I also think she saw the match on ancestory and has reached out. Is the relationship with your brother poor? You’ve not answered that question, which makes me think it might be, so I guess how poor?

I wouldn't say it's poor, but equally we are not particularly close. We get on fine, and we see each other at Christmas and family birthdays and stuff, but we don't really communicate much otherwise

He's intensely private, almost certainly autistic, and just doesn't really talk much to the family about anything really.
To the point that his current long term partner is the first relationship he has ever told us about!

OP posts:
godmum56 · 28/11/2025 11:40

Glowingup · 28/11/2025 11:39

I doubt it’s anywhere near that high. It does happen but really not at that rate.

Show quote history

I can't find the link now but apparently, so far as can be known, the percentage is 8% over the UK and has been for some time.

GumFossil · 28/11/2025 11:40

Surely the thing to do is nothing unless led by her?

We had someone contact my son as a result of ancestry dna. She’d been bought it as a gift by her kids and it resulted in her finding out she has a different biological father to the one she’d been led to believe was hers. She’s my first cousin. She wanted to get in touch and we were happy to do so and she loved meeting my dad (her uncle). Her actual half-siblings didn’t want to know, sadly.

It can be a good thing, but it can also be very damaging in certain families.

HideousKinky · 28/11/2025 11:41

I am quite close to my brother and in these circumstances would feel able to approach him about it. Is this a possibility for you?

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