Ancestry results= family bombshell??

[SqueakyRadish]

Hey!
So... I did an ancestry thing just for fun, thought it would be cool to see my heritage etc.

Had my results back last week and it has "matched" me with another user that I share 27% of my DNA with, who it suggests is a half sibling or niece.

The most likely explanation (due to various factors) is that this is a niece.

But what the actual fuck do I do now? I feel awful because I know this and, as far as I know, nobody else in the family does.

I have one brother who has no children (or so I thought!) but who has been living, happily, with his partner and her 2 children for around 10 years.

He could have no idea? He could know and just want to keep it secret? He could know and other people in the family might know but keep it secret?

I literally just don't know what to do. I feel like I can't ask anyone in my family for advice because then I'm putting it on them as well.

Plus, if this other person does not want to be contacted or have anything to do with us then it feels like it would be better to just keep things as they are and do nothing at all.

I don't really know what I want... I just needed somewhere to talk about this and figure out what, if anything, I do next...

That woman put her DNA into the public domain. OP matched to her because of this choice.

You can’t undo what’s been done. Now she has to tell the people it’s likely to affect.

Why does she have to tell them?

If he actually doesn’t know and he later finds out OP knew and didn’t tell him?

If OP doesn’t give the heads up someone else across the 2 families will get their dna tested and that person may not be so considerate or circumspect.

It’s already been said on this thread that people seem still naive about dna testing. The cats are coming out of bags and you cannot put them back in again.

Because it might be about him. He might have a daughter. That’s huge. She can’t not tell him.

Of course she can. It's easy. She deletes her account from ancestry and keeps the information to herself, what little of it there is. She does not throw a grenade into the brother's life based on a maybe.

She can let the daughter decide for herself if she wants to make contact with family. Assuming it is a daughter, because she doesn't know.

I’d never forgive a family member if they did this to me.

I wouldn't even phrase it like that.

I would say
"I have a close match who is either my niece or half sibling that seems to match with both mum and dad's side of the family. I don't know what to do with this information because it either means you have another child, our parents had a child we don't know about and this is their child or there's another explanation involving Dad and someone on mums side of the family. It's not some distant relation though. I can't just ignore this because it may impact on other people in the family at some point in the future and if they find out I know it may impact on my relationship with them because they may be upset I've kept this from them. I can't control anyone else in the family taking a test and if anyone does she has spoken to me after seeing me come up as match so I can't just remove my profile from the website. I don't want to hurt anyone but this isnt a secret anyone can keep and it will come out at some point. The only thing I can do is try and be as sensitive as possible about it. The most likely thing from her age is that you have a daughter so that's why I'm speaking to you first".

She can't.

Her match knows she's come up.

All that needs to happen is someone else does a test and messages this woman and the first thing she says is "oh I had a match with Squeaky but she deleted her profile" and OP is caught out anyway. That's the trouble. You can't predict what other people might do.

You'd be free to make that choice, of course.

Of course she can.

She does not have to blow up the brother's life based on a maybe, justified by another maybe that might never happen.

There are also potential implications if this woman has children and they live in the same area. You don't really want your kids ending up having a relationship with any of them.

She'd be fucking stupid to do this.

Secrets like this, don't stay secret.

Who knows if this woman won't in ten years time decide she's ready to talk to someone in the family?!

That's the woman's choice, though, surely, for her to make when she's ready, assuming she ever is.

A secret may not stay secret forever, but that doesn't mean you have to be the one to reveal it, especially when it's not your secret to tell.

What if OP’s brother did the test?

The woman CHOSE to make this public. She can’t undo that.

It’s not OP’s secret to keep. She has done the test, had some unexpected results and now has to deal with the consequences of her choice and the other woman’s choice.

Quietly closing the door and pretending you haven’t seen it is cowardly.

What if he did? If he had reason to suspect he might be the father, that would be between him and the child. He would be under no obligation to share this with wider family, or to contact the child.

Choosing to post on ancestry doesn't mean you have automatically consented to being outed by a stranger.

It's not just about her.

The OPs brother has kids. What about them? The OP doesn't have the right to make decisions on their behalf of that nature. Not when they are older. They might want to pursue something - if the OPs brother doesn't know about the niece then the OP is taking the decision away from all of them.

What about it possibly being a situation where his kids know her kids and end up dating? There's a phenomenon where close relations who don't know they are related are often more likely to be attracted to each other leading to some pretty awful situations if it then does come to light.

It's one of those scenarios where it is too big to sit on because you can't erase the person who exists and you can't magic away what you know.

It's a secret too big just to keep to yourself without at least saying something. Otherwise it will blow up in your face anyway.

Hope all works out ok x

Actually, that’s exactly what it means.

The OP doesn't know if her brother knows. She can't assume he does. If he does then she can go from there.

And that assumes it's her brother's in the first place.

What if it's not and it's something to do with their parents? The brother would be massively upset if OP knew and he didn't. There's a whole load of other scenarios that spring from that.

The OP doesn't know what's she's dealing with and that's part of the problem

Indeed.

The match isn't private. She knows anyone else can see it.

Speaking as someone who had an unknown sibling show up, I can tell you first hand that there is also the possibility that the siblings will not form any sort of relationship, that it will irreparably damage relationships in the wider family, and that everyone will wish it had all remained buried.

As for the idea that they will meet and form sexual relationships without realising therefore everyone must know to prevent incest, you are more likely to be struck by lightning.

Match has been told by her mother that Bob is the father, and Bob didn't want to know. However it turns out that she also had a one night stand with Fred the OPs brother. Fred didn't know.

Match has made a decision based off incorrect information but may take a different decision if more information comes to light.

You just don't know. The OP does not know.

Actions have consequences.

Adults have to face up to that.

Just because it worked out terribly for you doesn’t mean it will for this family. And even if it does, so what? It’s the truth. It’s real life. Hiding away from it doesn’t make it go away.

Unfortunately it's too fucking late to keep it buried though isn't it?

You've got no idea how the brother might feel. Nobody knows how they will feel until they find themselves in this situation. You might think you do, but you really don't. I have been there. It has happened to me.

It is important to take it slowly, to think it through properly, to make sure you have the information you need, and to be really sure that sharing the information is the right thing to do for all concerned before you do anything, not to rush in using emotional arguments to justify what you are doing