Ancestry results= family bombshell??

[SqueakyRadish]

Hey!
So... I did an ancestry thing just for fun, thought it would be cool to see my heritage etc.

Had my results back last week and it has "matched" me with another user that I share 27% of my DNA with, who it suggests is a half sibling or niece.

The most likely explanation (due to various factors) is that this is a niece.

But what the actual fuck do I do now? I feel awful because I know this and, as far as I know, nobody else in the family does.

I have one brother who has no children (or so I thought!) but who has been living, happily, with his partner and her 2 children for around 10 years.

He could have no idea? He could know and just want to keep it secret? He could know and other people in the family might know but keep it secret?

I literally just don't know what to do. I feel like I can't ask anyone in my family for advice because then I'm putting it on them as well.

Plus, if this other person does not want to be contacted or have anything to do with us then it feels like it would be better to just keep things as they are and do nothing at all.

I don't really know what I want... I just needed somewhere to talk about this and figure out what, if anything, I do next...

How so?

All there is is a maybe on a website.

It's perfectly possible to sit with that information and not share it.

What is that you’re not getting about dna testing? This woman’s dna is on Ancestry. Anyone across the 2 families will yield a match with her.

OP deleting her account makes no difference at all. And why should she, she hasn’t done anything wrong. If she wants to research her family tree and contact other family members that’s up to her.

She can give her DB the heads up, if it is he, he may already know, and the rest is up to them.

Because she can’t unknow the information

Ultimate point.

It's not about you.

Other people have different experiences. Other people have other relationships to consider.

OP can't pretend she doesn't know because ultimately she does and someone else knows she does.

I understand the DNA testing perfectly well, thanks

What is it you're not getting about the fact that the OP doesn't have to be the person to share this information with the wider family?

That if she does eventually decide to share it, she can take some time to think it through first and not rush?

That she can take some time to see if she can find further information about the relationship, which may not be with the brother at all anyway?

What's so hard to understand about that?

Digging around for more information is an even bigger betrayal. She should give her brother the facts as she knows them and leave him to make the decision about whether he wants to find out more.

Peoples sexual activities will have to change, taking more responsibility for both sexes, which should be a good thing.

Unfortunately we are in a time period whereby previous generations may be caught out.

There will be winners and losers with this knowledge but this is not going back in the bottle, we as humans will have to adapt.

Genetics is rapidly evolving in many areas, eugenics, health, crime, paternal genetics for financial surety, we can't go backwards. It's not a question of turning a blind eye and hope for the best, if you have secrets then you need to be prepared for truths to be revealed.
It may not suit you but it may suit someone elses life to know.

There are so many variables ... days of reckoning.

I never said she did have to share it with the wider family. It would be fair to give whoever the head’s up. What they do with that, and the knowledge it will come out eventually, is up to them.

Last post you were saying ”delete Ancestry account” & now you’re saying ”do further research”.

That poster’s point was that it may not be the brother, it’s only the most likely scenario.

It’s still a betrayal. She knows the woman isn’t her kid. All she should do is pass the information on the person it most likely pertains to and leave them to make any further decisions.

Just to clear a few things up since it's got a bit heated.

• If I talk to my brother it will be "this match came up, what do you think it means?"

He might already know he has a child. He may know, for some reason, that this is impossible and it might be something else, he might not want to discuss it at all. I would literally be letting him know that the information is there

• I have no intention of "outing" ANYONE. Even if I talk to my brother and he says "yeah that might be my kid" I would not give him her name or anything unless she had said I could.

• there's a lot of talk about "maybes" and how I should do nothing because I don't know anything for sure. I do know, for SURE, that there is someone out there that is a close relation to both me and my brother. And that is all I would be divulging.

• I'm not intending to start a family WhatsApp and announce this to the wider family and invite my newfound sister/niece to the family Christmas dinner, despite what some of the more rabid posters on here seem to think.

• I mentioned talking to my aunt because my brother and I are close to her and she is the kind of person who would look at this pragmatically. For all I know she could already know about this person! Obviously I wouldn't talk to her before speaking to my brother, but this may not even be his child (although it seems the most likely option)... In which case why shouldn't I discuss a potential half sibling with my own aunt?

You're taking a sensible and sensitive approach to it.

People assuming it’ll be like a Disney style reunion make me laugh.

For all we know he could have sold his sperm if he was short of cash.

She doesn’t know for sure who that is without more research. In those circs all can do is give the people it might be the head’s up.

Your dad has/had an identical twin?

Your approach is very sensible and sensitive OP. Unfortunately many posters don’t read or comprehend all the OPs postings and give opinions based on their own fallacious ideas.
Youhave a very interesting situation here and I hope there is an outcome satisfactory to all. If appropriate it would be good to know what this is.
Good luck.

OP, no way would I be able to just sit on this information. If it were me and my sibling didn’t tell me, I wouldn’t be happy. You should do exactly as you said and just give him the facts as presented by the test and see his reaction, then go from there. Your aunt sounds a good sounding board for further exploration if it really doesn’t seem to be your brother’s daughter.

@SqueakyRadish

I think whatever you plan to do you need to keep these words you said she used in your mind

She said that she knows "the story" but it isn't just hers to share

This is her, her mother and her father’s story to share. You do not know the father doesn’t already know and you don’t know for sure that she is your brother’s child - she could just as easily be a secret siblings child or your father’s child.

She isn’t ready to share the story with you. I think if you tell your brother at this stage, not only might you upset him unnecessarily, you could end up being the shot messenger and be blamed for throwing this grenade into the family. The story could be much bigger than you think it is. Imagine if it does turn out your father had a secret child with a member of your mother’s family, because although you think that’s unlikely, it is still a possibility. Would your family or your parents marriage survive that?

OP, sorry to ask this but do you still have your parents? (You mentioned an aunt.)

Yeah I still have both parents.

That's a very good response.

My experience on Ancestry has generally been very good however only a small percentage of members I’ve messaged have replied at all. Usually those who reply want info but have very little if any info to share themselves.
Tellingly the majority of my matches don’t have a family tree so are just starting out on their journey or are interested in their ethnicity only

I would try & nail down the closer mutually related cousin matches into your own family tree in the meantime as you contemplate next steps. Get as much clarity as possible. Do an extended tree for the match you mentioned. Have you got a full family tree for yourself back 3/4 gens with all descendants?

Also, I know of a case like your likely scenario, where a brother had a child with his then girlfriend, she hid pregnancy even from him, later they married & they had own children. None of children realise they have another full brother out there or even the father, although this earlier son knows about them.

Can you quietly look at who this poss niece/top match is (?) where & when born etc. Do some detective work? Age of her mother etc. Could her mother easily have had a relationship with your brother down to location or a past workplace in common? Etc. What was his lifestyle at time of conception etc (?)

I've signed up for a couple of places, including family search, to see if I can find out anything but nothing comes up for her name and age range, which is weird.

I did a bit of Facebook stalking and found someone who matches, and is local to me, but obviously that's nowhere near a certainty!

I must admit, family trees do confuse me a bit, but I'm pretty sure someone on my dad's side was mapping stuff out at some point. I'm seeing my parents tomorrow so I'll ask about it
Also my ex FIL is v big on genealogy and I know had done some of my family for completeness! So I guess I have some people I can ask.

My parents have never shown any concern about looking into family trees and things, which is another reason I feel like this is not something they are aware of. But who knows!?

I've signed up for a couple of places, including family search, to see if I can find out anything but nothing comes up for her name and age range, which is weird.

No, it's really not weird. Most sites like FamilySearch, Ancestry, FindMyPast will only show records in public domain - births over 100 years, marriages over 75 years, deaths over 50 years. These sites are for people researching ancestors. Not living people.