Ancestry results= family bombshell??

[SqueakyRadish]

Hey!
So... I did an ancestry thing just for fun, thought it would be cool to see my heritage etc.

Had my results back last week and it has "matched" me with another user that I share 27% of my DNA with, who it suggests is a half sibling or niece.

The most likely explanation (due to various factors) is that this is a niece.

But what the actual fuck do I do now? I feel awful because I know this and, as far as I know, nobody else in the family does.

I have one brother who has no children (or so I thought!) but who has been living, happily, with his partner and her 2 children for around 10 years.

He could have no idea? He could know and just want to keep it secret? He could know and other people in the family might know but keep it secret?

I literally just don't know what to do. I feel like I can't ask anyone in my family for advice because then I'm putting it on them as well.

Plus, if this other person does not want to be contacted or have anything to do with us then it feels like it would be better to just keep things as they are and do nothing at all.

I don't really know what I want... I just needed somewhere to talk about this and figure out what, if anything, I do next...

There’s a free site owned by the same people called Family Search that should show you everyone who is dead. Would that help?

Why not just ignore it and get on with your life? If your (probable) niece is interested in her ancestry, she may well do a test at some stage but personally I wouldn't take it any further if I were in your place.

Doing Ancestry DNA scares me, I can imagine a can of worms opening. No thank, life is too short.

Its more likely if you all come from a small local community. There's a couple of surnames where I live which are VERY common but very distantly related.

If you have shared matches, you can use the closest you have and build a family tree until you find the common ancestor with you.

From there you can build trees downward (using records not DNA) and find as many descendants as possible to get a clearer picture of whats going on. If you know married names and maiden names you can do a lot of this on the gro index for free.

Or you could talk to your brother as a starting point.

Either way, its going to drive you nuts until you find out whats happened now and whatever the secret is, its out there and its not a secret that belongs to any individual.

Also my bet is she messaged you, assuming you knew the story to some degree and then panicked realising perhaps you didn't.

Oh well I have some experience here, so I know how it feels, in a lesser way. My second closest match puzzled me so I simply sent her a message, and was stunned to find my cousin had had a baby who had been adopted at birth. I haven't told a soul. It was her choice to reveal or not reveal, but not for me to spread it. For you, it's different since she could be your brother's child and it will niggle at your mind if you don't do anything. I think you should start by sending a message to your supposed niece. Remember this is just an estimate and the relationship could be different. Go carefully and find out what you can. If she thinks she's someone else's daughter, best to leave it. If she has no idea who her father is, then perhaps best to talk to your brother.

If you can build a tree out for this extended family match look at those you match in common with them & this woman & mine data for further clues.Is this the only shared match over about 100cm?

You may have answered but does her age fit with her being your brother’s child?

Re: extended family member match you should see a common ancestor no further out than great, great grandparent in your own tree.

It has the gro marriages and births with maiden names on so its useful to a certain extent yes. They don't have to be dead.

Its useful to search a surname with a known mothers maiden name to find siblings. My FIL thought he had x number of siblings but an extra one who died as an infant popped up through searching in this way.

It means you can build family trees fairly well without having to pay.

I wouldn’t start digging stuff up personally.

@op there are various groups on Facebook eg DNA Detectives UK that can really help you in your quest.

Could this be a cousin? Someone in your mum/dad's level of family?

If they were a sibling born of your dad having an affair with someone on your mum's side then wouldn't that be a higher % match?

If it were me, I'd talk to my brother. I think in this case holding on to that information would be worse than sharing that with him.

I'm unable to see any good whatsoever digging into this. Just as an example, after my mum died I found that she'd be married before she met my dad and I've got two half siblings somewhere in the world. I wouldn't make any attempt to contact them if you paid me.

Then, my brother in law's long lost / half suspected daughter turned up out of the blue after 30 years. Nothing good came of that, I can tell you.

Step back a moment and think rationally. What possible benefit can you see from pursuing this? Someone said 'can of worms.' Perfect.

Understand your shock and disorientation. However I would compassionately urge you to let this go.

https://whoareyoumadeof.com/blog/how-to-know-if-you-have-endogamy-in-your-dna-matches/

A 27% match is absolutely consistent with half siblings, I’m not sure I’d trust that it’s saying DNA is from both parents because how do you explain the test saying it could be a niece or half sibling?

My SIL did a DNA test and got a 25% match we think is either an uncle or grandfather (FILs paternity is in question).
Half sibling

• Typical shared DNA: ~25%
• One shared parent.
• Often one or more large matching segments.

Grandparent ↔ grandchild

• Typical: ~25%
• Usually distinguishable by generation gap age.

Aunt/Uncle ↔ Niece/Nephew

• Typical: ~25%
• Also around this range, depending on recombination.

The niece HAS done a test if she’s on the site. We aren’t al just on there waiting for matches 🤣

Could your father have donated sperm?

Why don't you make contact with the person?

Yes I thought that afterwards, also User12's suggestion, right below your post, of father being a sperm donor is quite feasible - and chilling.

I'd leave well alone unless niece makes contact.

Could you have other siblings of which you knew nothing about?
Could the person be their child?

The detective in me would have to find the connection.

I was never on ancestry, but because of another family member using it I found out at 40 years old my dad wasn't my dad. It was devastating. My mum had an affair and I knew my biological father, but it was an incredible shock.. still dealing with wounds from it. It doesn't help that my newly found half siblings see me as the enemy too. I wish that site didn't exist. But no one can hide from their actions now.

But no one can hide from their actions now.

This in a nutshell. You can't hide these secrets now. It's impossible. It will come out.

The only thing you can control is how sensitive you are about it and how you manage telling others.

You are often damned if you say anything, but if people find out you knew and said nothing you are damned anyway - and you can't hide this now because you have done a test and the other party has seen your results.

Putting your head in the sand about it, isn't a neutral act unfortunately. You have to deal with what you now know one way or another.

I'm so glad that website existed - my mum left my dad who subsequently died aged 38 - we didn't have any contact so I didn't find out until I was 38.

I joined Ancestry because there was a family story that he might have had other children & I felt as though half of me was missing from not knowing anything about my dad's family.

10 years after I joined my half sibling contacted me. It made such a difference to my personal well-being to find another connection to my dad.

DS did a test and, thankfully, he came back as 50% Scottish (me) and 50% Irish (DH).

It doesn't really work like that though. You need to look at his matches, not his "ethnicities". For example, he could have got some of his Scottish and Irish percentages from you and some from his biological father. Have you done yours? It's very unlikely that you are 100% Scottish and his dad 100% Irish.

The amount of lack of understanding about DNA tests is really quite alarming.

This thread is absolutely riddled with it in various forms.

Ok so I need to message my brother. I know people will probably say this is an "in person" discussion but honestly neither of us are like that and I feel like either a text or an email is better, because that way he doesn't have to respond immediately and can take time to think it through (regardless of the truth of the matter).

I just don't quite know how to word it.

I was also wondering about talking to my aunt, because she's sensible and intelligent and will probably know if it's something that other members of the family already know. But equally I don't want to put it on her if not, because I know I'd rather not know!

She's done that already by taking the DNA test. That's what has dug up this information that is now known by at least 2 people and anyone else doing out will see that OP knows.